Friday, December 30, 2005

i like round things

Sunday, December 25, 2005

one christmas eve

i want to have a house big enough to fill my family and friends comfortably and have them all there. to hear the jostling and welcoming of bodies from all over. to see my cousins who will possibly be married then come with their spouses, arms overflowing with food, presents, and jackets.. the laughter of little ones from those who've had children. seeing my dad, aunts, uncles, and other elders gathered drinking XO and wine and laughing and talking. there will be a fire roaring in the fire place, while the living room smells like pine needles from the fully decorated tree which is strung with multi colored lights, ornaments, and cheesy ornaments made by my kids. i'll smell like food from having cooked all day long. we'll all sit down at the tables, the kids in the other room with their kids table. my cousins will laugh and someone will tell a story about the kids table and when we used to sit there. stories will fly around about the past and about the future. funny stories about our kids, about when we were kids from our parents and stories from our parents about when they were kids. Food and drink will be overflowing the table and i'll look around and finally feel like it's Christmas again and look up and thank God for having given me my mother for as long as he did and giving me a wonderful childhood so that i know i have something to look forward to. that even though she's gone and these christmas' feel slightly off.. one christmas eve it will be full again. she will always be missed and loved forever. mom you did a great job. we miss and love you always.

merry christmas everyone! hang on to who you have and remember those who've left. remember the love they left and that still exists and have a wonderful holiday season. i hope it's merry and bright!

Thursday, December 22, 2005

I like shiny objects

Did I mention that before? And round ones too.. :)
Click here to see the rest of my "magical" ride through a lighted California winter wonderland.. (yes I'm being slightly sarcastic). It's the random trips that are the best.

just sit

I wish I had time this morning to find a tall parking structure and just sit and watch the sunrise. I feel like I'm always rushing somewhere or stuck inside the house and I'm missing the world moving. If you sit there and stop and think about how tiny you are compared to the piece of land you're sitting on.. it's peaceful. It's the same feeling I get when I sit on the beach and listen to the waves and think about how much water is stretched out before me and how deep it goes. How vast the sky is as it protects us from the outside.

I wish I had time this morning to just sit and watch it and think about it and have everything else go quiet. It feel peaceful.

Monday, December 19, 2005

too public?

it makes me wonder just how private our "private" lives are nowadays..

we can google each other's names.. up pop zanga's, myspace, facebook, friendster, blogger links... among other things. Published articles, forums, discussion groups.. and more.

if people know enough about me they can track their way to my hometown, find out my favorite things, even scope out pictures of my family and friends.. makes me wonder if i should start taking some of these things down. or at least not listing the links so that one can jump from one page to a blog to my photos and into my life..

then again, i've found old friends, dormmates and connected with people i once thought were lost to me. some days i still type in names of old friends to see if maybe they've popped up somewhere. usually no luck with the ones i know who never were that 'good' with computers. ah well..

then there's also the major point.. who really wants to know about me anyway besides people i already know. ;) so i suppose there's a false sense of security or i can always get software to track those who visit my pages..

haha.. goes both ways! well just in case you're bored.. ..haha here we go!

I need to go to the spa, everytime I come into work, I can feel it in my shoulders. The tension. It's been there for a month and I'm about to crack. Work has been so crazy and this fundraiser we're doing NEVER runs smoothly. You'd think we'd learn year after year to somehow improve it, but nope.. always goes crazy. I guess that's what happens when you're trying to manage too many groups of people, too many shifts, for a whole month straight.

I just feels like every day I've come into work and something goes wrong. And this past weekend I was getting calls all weekend! ON THE WEEKEND! argh.

Need spa.. need massage.. need rest..

On the plus side, I got my Kim Taylor Reece calendar!! Yipee. :) Gonna put it up at work, although I may have to put a stickie note over certain body parts that might occasionally pop up.

Maybe the sight of hula dancers will help keep me more calm. I miss dancing.. we're on winter break right now. :(

Thursday, December 15, 2005

random thought 1.1

Does the light in the elevator turn off if no one's using it?

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Strangely True..

I received this in an email from a friend:

Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

Why do banks charge a fee on insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw revolver at him?

Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are
always white?

Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?

How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right, so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot?"

Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

And my FAVORITE......
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is
suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three best
friends -- if they're okay, then it's you.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Food and Memories

So most people know that smells can bring up memories so tangible you can almost see them replay in you mind. Passing smells usualy bring to my mind images of people and a moment that we shared. Well.. so does Food! I associate certain foods with certain people. I just remember yesterday at work that I had to make lumpia for a Philipino Food Potluck with my hula sisters. Now I'm not Philipino.. and lumpia is the only thing I knew how to make.. think smaller eggrolls with slightly different stuff in the middle. Well the first time I learned to make lumpia was in England with my friend Kris while we were studying abroad in England. Good times, we brought asian food into the house. So of course the moment I thought lumpia I though about Kris and man.. it's not as much fun making lumpia on your own!

But it's nice to have these memories pop up once in awhile. They're like cool surprises you get out of the day. I could be walking along and when I think of Spam.. bam Jane and Ameer pop to mind.. along with Jane comes rice, frozen veggies and banana sauce.. mmmmmmm. Then there's Arby's and I think Mike Knox. Making wontons immediate conjures up images of my younger self on a stool with my mom, folding, getting dusty, and loving the smell of the wonton wrappers.

Food feeds life. I suppose it's only natural for me to link these memories.. since food and family/friends are two things that go hand in hand in my life. It's what has always brought people together. So while I enjoy a bit of savoury or sweet I also get a flashback to good times in the past.


Tuesday, November 22, 2005


Some of my college girl friends every year take a trip around fall/winter time. Usually it was up to Nor Cal to see the ones who are up here. This year, we went to Vegas! :) Man.. this is the last time I take a flight after work to Vegas on Vetern's Day weekend.. it was nutso! My flight was delayed and it still took us forever to get off the ground. I was supposed to land at 9:30, I didn't get to the Monte Carlo until 11 (I didn't even have check-in luggage).

I called two of my friends who were already there, they were drunk and somewhere on the strip. :) Hilarious. I was so exhausted it took me forever to get ready (I'm getting too old for this). Finally by the time I was ready, the rest of the ladies had arrived so I figured I'd wait for them. We finally got to Club Tao at the Venetian at 12? 1? I lost track of time. More hassle, I work in non-profit and it's all about most things are. And I was raised with a high expectation of customer service. After spending a week at work I just wanted to have a good time. But of course.. it's a club. The bouncers who power trip have to make you wait, I won't go into too much detail, coz it's making me irritated already.. but I almost got us in trouble without saying much at all.. we finally got in. It was a good time, we were there until about 5am, then headed back. May and I got hungry so we grabbed some food and then I tried to pass out on the floor.

I didn't sleep too well and was so exhausted the next day. After lunch at 3 at the Monte Carlo buffet I wanted to pass out. We walked all the way down to the Wynn checking out the hotels and shopped in Ceasar's and walked back. Three of the party animals, May, Sonia, and Ami dressed to go out. They're like energizer bunnies I swear! They went to Pure (I really wanted to go, but physically there was no way). I had blisters on my feet and I was ready to fall asleep anywhere. Sherwynn, Chiemi and I decided to go eat and just hang out. I couldn't handle anymore at about 3am I finally slept. Delicious sleep! Then it was wake up, pack, wake the girls up, eat McDonald's (ugh) and off to the airport. We had no problems getting taxi's the whole day.. then the day we need to get to the airport.. there's a freaking long line! I had to hussle a bit, but I made it. Phew..

Vegas felt like a single breath, in and out.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

Monday, November 07, 2005


So most of my friends know I like round objects.. there's just something nice about them. Well let's add to the list squishy!! Okay you're probably thinking.. geez the girl's gone crazy! I have a perfectly good rational explanation for my sudden discovery in squishy things. Since part of the time I work with families with young children I naturally get a lot of toys and stuff that come into the office. Not for me to keep but to give away. Well one day I got a small, sample tub of Play-Doh. Now I haven't touched Play-Doh in I don't know long. I put it on my desk thinking if I'm ever working with a client the child could sit there and play with it. Well today I got bored and pick up the container and opened it. Inside was a perfect piece of orange Play-Doh, untouched and untarnished. Do you ever remember how nasty Play-Doh could get in school with all those oily, dirty hands and carpet dirt and fibers getting into it? Well this was brand new pristine. So I did what anyone would do, poked it with my finger.

And lo and behold! My mind was remember the hours of fun I'd have just squishing it. It's purposely putting elmer's glue on your fingers and waiting for it to dry to pull it off piece by piece. I managed to pull the Play-Doh out of the container after having it get stuck under my nails (not a problem when I was a kid..) and I had this silly grin on my face. Squishy things are great! If you think about it, it's like kitten's paws (they remind me of little grapes), grapes themselves, stress balls (not nearly as much fun as Play-Doh), those pillows you can get at Sharper Image. It's great! You should try it, when you're stressed out, get some Play-Doh and just mess around. Plus it's easy to clean up and in a small container no one will notice it. ;)

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

between two worlds

I was driving to work yesterday morning and when I left my house it was foggy, slightly dark and gloomy. As I turned onto the main cross street and looked forward, this beautiful sight blew me away. It felt like I was caught in between two worlds. Behind me was the fog and gloom, with a purple/pink sky and ahead of me was this warm yellow with hints of blue sky peaking around the sunlight. For a moment it felt like dawn and sunset all at once.

That's one of my favorite times of time, where the sky is changing and it feels as if two worlds are merging and changing over. That time of day where night and day are existing at the same moment.

Friday, October 21, 2005


I am definitely getting sucked into Apple mania. They've really gotten good at what they do. And now that I've been able to upgrade to Tiger OS X I get widgets! Yahoo! If anyone knows of good widgets, let me know!
what's the deal with height?

You can now predict your babies height within 2-2.5" thanks to the advances in medicine. The College of Kinesiology have even developed an online tool to help parents. I wonder what's changed? Doctors were predicted babies height way before now!

When I was born, the doctor predicted that I would be 5'9". At least this is what my mother told me in high school. I thought, great.. well where's my other four inches? At that time I was almost 18, so I figured I was pretty much done growing. I would be at my 5'4" stature and that was it. Within the next four years I received an extra inch, hooray! I don't know why I wanted to be taller, it didn't seem to make a big difference, I just wanted it. And here's the creepy thing, I went with my mom to her herbal doctor and after he finished checking up with her, he took a lot at me. He pulled my lower eyelids down and said to my mom, "Why isn't she 5'9"?" Great. I'm not even meeting the goals set forth by my own body!? What the heck!

Anyway, so it got me thinking. Height always seems like such a big deal, almost everyone wants to be a little bit taller. My mother was 5'7" and my father is 5'5", you think I'd ignore height as a factor in physical attractivness then, right? Wrong.. I still like my men tall. Tall men who can wrap their arms around me and make me feel safe. Not that I don't feel safe with my dad, he's like a round bull dog (better looking of course). It's not to say I'm not attracted to short men. I've liked shorter guys or guys who were my height or just a little bit taller, they were all cute and their personalities just drew me in. It's just that height adds extra bonus points I guess.. can't help it. Everyone's a little bit shallow, like ugly teeth.. I can't stand that.

Even in myself, I still wish I was little bit taller. My mom always said 5'7" or 5'8" would have been good, then she'd always tack on, "Buying clothes would be easier". Don't ask me why buying clothes would be easier if I was taller.. I mean I'm average for women and compared to some asian women, I'm tall. I guess there's no getting around it, I'm not growing anymore anyway. I can stretch all I want, eat chicken soup til it comes out of my ears, but for this lifetime I am 5'5" and loving it. Maybe I can credit the missing inches to my future children..I'll just hope my mother's genetics kick in in them then. ;)

Monday, October 17, 2005

love is cooking for another

Food is a huge part of my life.. when I want to get together with someone(s) I usually always suggest dinner, coffee, smoothie, donut, some form of food. It's just nice to share a meal. There's is something that makes a person feel connected to another when sharing a meal. I could go into this in more depth, but it ruins the fun of it. :) Food is great in general, but even better when you have someone to share it with. Especially when it's made with love... and behold! The cooking male.. a rarity in this world. Quite often you see them prowling about or sitting on the couc
h in front of a sports game. But occasionally if you are patient they surprise you and cook you breakfast. :)

i'm in love again!

The RA's had a reunion this past weekend in LA and they all went out to dinner.. unfortunately I couldn't make it. :( So sad. I did see a picture of them though and my goodness if that isn't a fine looking group of people! Roowwrrrrr. I love seeing pictures of them because it reminds me of how much love I have for family and friends. They are absolutely amazing, that year was incredibly. These 19 individuals impacted my life in a way that I will never forget and created memories that will always bring a smile to my face even in the worst of times. They were my support and my family and I fell in crazy love with them. I know how lucky I am to have such great friends and even when I can't be with them, I still feel their spirit surrounding me and lifting me up always. Find the incredible people in your life and don't let them go. :) Even from so far away, just seeing a picture of them lifts my spirits and makes my day so much brighter.

Now I'm just waiting for the next wedding to bring us all together again and I heard a few of them are engaged. ;)

Thursday, October 13, 2005


It's like early Christmas for myself! :P I know I should have, but I did. I found my snowboard. I wrote to a few months ago and gave up the cause. When out of the blue.. I received an email with a website to where I could buy it! I open up the website.. it's in German.. great.. but wait! There's an english version.. and the snowboard is 50 Euros off and it comes with a free snowboard bag! I'm in! It finally arrived today and I'm totally excited. I'm actually looking forward to the cold weather now coz I've got a new toy!!

Not to mention my other new toy. My brand new Trek Mountain bike. Wooweeeeeee (so I gave up on the snowboard and found another hobby). I was using an old bike we had in the garage. It wasn't the most attractive thing, imagine a purple frame with a flame design on it and tires that are black with two red stripes on the outside and hot yellow highlighter colored splash cards.. not pretty. My new Trek.. much prettier.. see, black and red and wonderful. I never realized how much the frame could matter. My posture is better and I don't tire as easily on this new bike. So I just had to share my joy! But no more big purchases.. at least not until January.. minus Christmas presents for family and friends of course. :)

Friday, October 07, 2005

spirit of hula

My kumu just combine the intermediate wahine (my class) with the advanced wahine and now we dance every Thursday from 7-9pm. Last night was the first time we did this and it was amazing! There was a fire in the class and things just felt good. It was great to feel all this aloha and hula energy in the room. All I've learned so far are kahiko's (tradition hula dance). This is a dance done to chanters using traditional hawaiian instruments. But last night he started our first auwana! Auwana is "modern" hula, a combination of traditional hula with Western influence in the music. So it can be danced to pretty much any song.

Anyway.. yay for hula! :)

Thursday, October 06, 2005

Chomping in the Big Apple

I just got back from a vacation in New York City.. and all I did was eat! :) It was fantastic. Well eat and walk around. So I know you're all incredibly interested in what I ate and did in between eating..

Day 1 - leave SFO at 4:00pm on Friday, on-time.. yahoo! Watched "The Longest Yard" on the airplane, amusing movie. Did I mention it sucks to be in economy and not have your own personal TV? yes.. yes it does. I arrived at JFK at 12:30am Saturnday morning.. call the Super Shuttle people and guess what happens.. so this guy shows up and I noticed there were two shuttles outside. The guy sends the other shuttle away (I'm assuming) and calls me to come out. He asks if I'm Samantha.. "Uh.. no I'm Victoria, but there's another girl inside.." (who apparently was Samantha). He asks where I'm going I say Roosevelt Island (it's an island between Manhattan and Queens). So he tells me he's not going there, but to get in anyway and he'll drive me to another van (this is where I think he sent MY van away.. idiot!). Well.. everyone looks pretty grumpy in the van already, it's stuffed, he drives all the way around the terminal.. stopping at a green light to look at his cell phone.. running a red light for no reason and drops me back off at the same freaking terminal. I'm pissed.. what a waste of 10 minutes! Tells me ot call the office again.. which I do, it's already 1AM.. they tell me to take a taxi and mail them the receipt and they'll refund me. Okay no problem.. I go out to look for a taxi and there's none around. This guy near the taxi stand asks if I'm looking for a taxi and where I'm going. Roosevelt Island I say, he says, $40 and I can give you a receipt. Yahoo! I get in and as we start moving I'm thinking.. wait a minute.. crap. I'm in an unmarked car, it's a "taxi service", but of course he's not a licensed private taxi person because he's done a bit of time and has a few marks on his record.. great I'm going to die before I even get to Kris' place. So I'm keeping myself alert, looking at the street signs to make sure he's not taking me somewhere to mug, rape, or kill me.. And this whole time he's talking about politics! We covered the Port Authority, Bush, Clinton, NY's troubled times with racial politics, the mayor, Palestine, his favorite Chinese food place, and where he gets his haircut now that he's had a falling out with his old barber. I don't even bother arguing with any of it, just listen to his rambling for 45 minutes and lo and behold I'm there! Yes, still alive, thank goodness. He scrawls a receipt on the back of his card and hands it to me.. guess what it says:

Cousin Vinny
Airport Car Service

Classic!! At least I'm there finally.. Kris and I end up staying up until 5 talking anyway. Good times.

Day 2 - Saturday

We wake up around 10, I think.. and decide to go shopping. *grin* you know me.. I loves to shop. First store, Urban Outfitters (btw I love love love the NY subway system.. so efficient.. beautiful)..we try on hates and accessories. I realized I look stupid in most hats, except for beanies. Although with my short hair now, I look more like a boy with a hat on then ever. "Can I take you somewhere sir?" - fake newsie accent. Kris gets these really cute fingerless gloves, I wanted some, but hello California.. not necessary. It's about 3pm and we're hungry now, we pass by Gray's Papaya but the line is so long. Next stop a quick walk by Times Sqaure during the day, overrated and then off to Kangol (my co-worker wanted a hat). We try on more hats, both deciding the newsboy/taxi driver hats look horrible on us. The guy at the store was really weird too, he was 50, looked young far away but old up close. The other girl in the store looked like she hated working with him. He kept asking us weird questions.. anyway, I pick out a hat and then it's off to lunch. We find this nice cafe place that reminds us of Europe and chomp away. I noticed there's lots of places in NY that serve breakfast at all hours and serve a mimosa or some other alocholic drink as part of the meal.. interesting. After lunch at 3pm.. we head to H&M. Talk about crazy! It was a weekend and there were clothes everywhere, it made me not really want to shop. I did get a cute, bat-wing looking sweater and a dark brown blazer. There was this adorable black blazer made out of cable sweater material, but they didn't have any in my size. boo.. I hate wearing blazers and jackets usually, but if it feels like a sweater, I'm in love!

It's getting kinda late and we're both so tired, so we head back to her place. Dinner at Trellis on the island. It was actually pretty good! I had a Chicken Sulvaki.. yuuuuuummmmmm. She had cheesecake with no crust. Back to her apartment, chatting away and then bedtime.

Day 3 - Sunday

I got to church with her. It was pretty interesting, but I started yawning anyway. The pastor is also a professor so it didn't sound as much like preaching as it did like a lecture/talk. I realized I kinda liked it, but I don't know if it's for me. I loved the diversity though. There were so many different people there. After church it was time to eat again! We went to meet up with her friends and went for Mexican Brunch.. so I'm pretty open to anything, but I'm thinking it's going to be burritos from a hole in the wall place. We ended up at Dos Caminos, a beautifully decorated restaurant with live music and warm, earthy decor. The food.. amazing! Served with alcohol of course, but I had orange juice. We had fresh guacamole made at the table, then I had banana and pecan pancakes with pecan syrup and butter.

Kris had chorizo with eggs, black beans and tortiallas. We shared.. I LOVE FOOD! I also got to try her friends tortilla casserole and salmon/avocado benedict on cornbread. Yuuuummmy. Then we went off to Chinatown to walk off our food. Her roommate got some huge pieces of chicken for $1.29!! That much chicken in a store would cost $5-6. I was amazed. Then back home. I know I haven't done much sightseeing, but I've been there before and my parents dragged me EVERYWHERE. We ordered Thai food and just hung out for the evening.

Day 3 - Monday

I was on my own since she was in class. So following the advice of my friend I went to Century 21, a discount clothing department store. I took the subway down there, somehow mixed up where to change trains and ended up walking 20 blocks to get there. It's all good though, I got to walk around Greenich Village and SOHO area and then came upon all the "official" buildings like City Hall, etc. I was close to site of the former world trade towers, but didn't feel up to going. So I finally found my way over there and wasn't in the mood to shop. But it was fun looking at all the designer clothes on "sale".. Pucci, D&G, Roberto Cavalli, etc. It was kinda sad though, to see them tied to the racks, a $1000 dress going for $600 tied to a rack..*sigh*. I looked for some Missoni, but they didn't have any and I was getting dizzy from all the clothes. I took the train back up to where SUNY optometry was and met Kris for a "drink". We watched the Yankee's rally in Bryant Park across the street from her school. It was funny, guys in suits shouting and cheering. There was one guy, really gorgeous body, just sun tanning in the middle of the grass. He took of his shirt, pulled one of the green chairs to the lawn, sat there and just napped. I guess this is how New Yorkers tan.

Wandered around some more, went to Midtown, lots of shopping. I did a lot of window shopping, tried some stuff on, didn't really feel like buying anything. Came upon a few other H&M's and got another top. Finally my feet were about to give and all I had to eat was a granola bar and a banana, hopped in a McDonald's got myself a Fish Filet (in memory of my mother.. it was 2 years to the day October 3, 2003 when she passed.. she loved Fish Filets for some reason) and parked my butt in a park to just relax and reflect. I was watching a squirrel try to find a spot to bury his nut.. and it dawned on me, that the only place to 'get away' in the city was the park. And that this squirrel probably knows nothing else except his park, he'd get sqashed the moment he left. Second thought was.. how did they get there in the first place..

5:30 rolled around and I met Kris back at her school and we headed home. Dinner time came and we went over to the Kebab King in Queens.. delicious. We had Tikka Marsala, Kebab, and one more.. it was a red looking chicken but oooo so yummy. With naan of course. We had to roll ourselves home we were so stuffed.

Day 4 - Tuesday

My last day! We were so lazy, and it was all gloomy.. until we decided to go outside. Then it totally cleared up, as if it knew we were heading out. My friend gave me a list of things I should eat, so today was the day to do it. We took the tram over to Manhattan instead of the Subway, really pretty. First stop, the Buttercup Bake Shop for Red Velvet Cupcakes.. oh all the cupcakes they had in there.. looked so beautiful. I could feel the sweetness penetrating the enamel on my teeth. After one cupcake each we headed to Gray's Papaya.. yahoo! Hot dog time! I got two hot dogs and drenched them in Ketchup (yes I'm californian) and a Banana daiquiri (virgin). Delicious. Subway to Central Park and we layed out for an hour, watching the horses go by and listening to the sounds of cars whizzing past and watched the couple to our right get all cuddly, while two guys in business suits sat on newspapers to keep themselves clean, and another bloke to the left slept with his pimp hat over his face.

Then it's off to SUNY Optometry again, I told Kris I'd let her practice on me. Their teachers decided to come in on the holiday and help them out. I let them shine a light in my eye.. over and over again. It was funny and I actually learned a little bit. Then Kris practiced that too and did the whole drops in the eye to check something else. I forgot what it was called.. (HERE'S A DISCLAIMER: if you're sensitive about your eyes, skip the next paragraph) I don't think the optometrists ever told you this.. when they put the drops in your eye and you look at the blue light, they actually TOUCH your eye! The drops are there to numb it so you don't feel it. It still didn't hurt, but it definitely felt weirder now that I was aware of this.

We were in there for two hours before we finished. Just in time for dinner! We decided on hamburgers and her roommate Hang said there was a good place in downtown. Back on the subway and to the Corner Bistro. There was a long line though, so we waited, and waited, and half an hour later were seated and another 15 minutes later these giant hamburgers with cheese and bacon was layed before us. Sooo good, don't forget the fries! After we finished it was time for dessert. So off to Cafe Lalo, remember that cafe in "You've Got Mail", where she's waiting for him with a book and a rose and he realizes the girl is his rival? Yeah we went there. It's a lot brighter and they definite cram more people into that place than it looked in the movie. The desserts aren't bad, but I didn't think they were exceptional, although there sure were a lot.. the pictures is of Kris in front of the case of desserts. Then again, when you've had tiramisu made from scratch in Florence nothing's as good anymore.

We got home around midnight and I was exhausted. All this walking around has left my calves aching every night. So I re-pack everything and set my alarm as tomorrow is leaving day. :(

Day 5 - Wednesday

Stupid stupid stupid me.. my cell phone was set to silent.. so the dumb phone rings silently... luckily I've already checked-in online because I wake up at 9:30, we're supposed to be out the door at 9:40. I wake Kris up and we get dressed and scrambled outside, just in time to find the bus coming around the corner. We get lucky, instead of having to walk 10 minutes to the subway station we bus it for a quarter. hehe. She leaves me at the train shuttle to the airport and we say our good byes. *sniff* My flights are all on-time thankfully and off I go. Eating more crappy airplane food while trying to watch Batman Begins on the tiny screens. I swear the food was the same.. only instead of lasanga I had ravioli (tasted the same). I did finish my book finally.. I've been trying to read the Rape of Nanking for the last three weeks. Finished the last 85% on the flight home. Transfer in LA for SF to arrive exactly on the dot at 4:54 as they said.

So that's it, my brief NY vacation and I'm back in California. I feel like I've been gone awhile, but really it's only been four whole days. Back to the same ol' routine I guess. Although I just found out one of my housemates from England is going to work in Argentina, in fact he's already there! I wonder how much flights are to Buenos Aires..

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

re-inking a fading tatoo

*GASP* you know that sound that people make when they come up for air and desperate need it? that sound feels like it's sitting deep inside my chest and echos in my ears lately. it's been almost two years and it feels like forever since she left us. for some reason as i get closer to the two year anniversary (if you can call it that) i have this desperate feeling that passes through me. i'm afraid i'll forget what she was like... her hugs and kisses, the sound of her voice, our talks, her teaching me how to cook (over the phone usually), just everything. i feel like i need to go through every memory of her that i have in my head like i'm trying to re-ink a fading tatoo.

i don't want to forget anything because this is all i have left. but i desperately want to see her now, to smell her, hug her, hold her and love her. i want to be able to ask her what to do now and to be able to ask those questions in the future when i need too. i want to be able to make new memories but i can't and it feels like i'm gasping for air trying to feel her again.

i don't want to forget her and it feels like so much time has passed.. i don't ever want to forget any of it, but there's this fear that her presence will fade and i will forget as more time passes.. how do you hold on and let go at the same time?

Monday, September 26, 2005

how to make..

How to make a jadeheart

1 part friendliness

5 parts courage

5 parts empathy
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy!


Personality cocktail

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

5 senses

It's kind of funny how random thoughts will hit you while you're doing the most regular things. Last night I went to my first book club meeting, we read "The Girl With a Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier and then saw the movie staring Scarlett Johannson and Colin Firth. I've always tended to like books better than the movies, minus maybe the Lord of the Rings triology (they can get a bit slow in the middle). Anyway, there are big differences between the movie and the book because of time constraints for the film. The characters tend to develop a bit different and some are missing. But since I had read the book I had all this background knowledge and it helped. This was the first time that I felt like the book and the movie meshed well together. The background helped enhance the visual aspect. So it got me thinking about how we see things in life.

Our eyes are biased, we think we see the truths, but they only catch a fraction of what happens in a moment. And if you really sit and think about it, there's a lot going on. Each person in the 'scene'has a life, has a history that develops who they are. There are so many complexities that make us each individuals.

Even if we could trust our eyes to see truth, our hears to hear it, and all our senses to feel it out. Even if they were all working together, the truth is still a perception that we interpret in our minds.

I think this is why I like interacting with people so much. There's so much going on , so much that can happen. There are no absolute truths, but there are the truths that happen in your life to make you who you are.

Monday, September 19, 2005

CCS 21st Annual Auction & BBQ

Just thought I'd post a few pictures of our BBQ/Auction fundrasier, while I was doing the layout for our newsletter. Since May has this project consumed much of my time and effort at work. It was a lot of fun and went really smoothly. Everything looked great and the minor glitches that came up, we smoothed out pretty quickly. The food was delicious as usual. The firefighters from Local 1165 always come out and cook for us, it's so good, they do tri-tip, ribs, huge chunks of chicken, beans, salad, garlic bread... yummy. Look at all those chickens! We had these great auction items too. Hotel stays, gift certificates, cookbooks, floral arrangements, teeth whitening (I lost that bid), jewelry, purses (I donated one that I had made), spa treatments, haircuts, manicures, vaccuums, antiques, handmade quilts, scarves, and the so much more! The live auction items were really cool too.. too bad I don't have enough money to bid on all that, there were Sharks tickets paired with dinner at Outback Steakhouse, getaways to Mexico, cruisetrips, dinners by local chefs. What I really wanted was this gorgeous beach cruiser.. but honestly.. where am I going to ride it? Around my house?! Give me a break.. with all those hills that thing wouldn't make it. If I still lived in Newport.. I would have gone for it. But I only convinced myself that if I was going to spend $300+ (the bike sold for $275, that's how much they cost - at cost), I may as well invest it in a bike I'll use. So I decided to get a mountain bike. This way I can go out and about, maybe use it to commute to work. I can't wait for it to get here. All in all, the event was fantastic, and I think we made a profit of around $50,000. At least that's done.. for now. I have about a month to breath, before the planning for the next fund development projects start picking up speed.. here we go! :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

happy birthday mom

she would have been 54. we don't realize just how short time is and how young we really are all at the same time.

Friday, September 09, 2005

brain is dead.. and i'm venting

the human body amazes me, what we're able to endure physically and emotionally, how it just keeps functioning. there are so many parts to you as a person that has to keep running to keep you moving, thinking, breathing. every little bit is entwined with another part and no matter what hits you, you just keep going.

well.. that's been me this week. i just keep going. our agency's major fundraiser is tomorrow and i've been working on it since may. meetings every month for the bbq, for the auction, just because, phone calls, letters, mailings (i've been to the bulk mailing office 3 times in one month), counting, sorting, databaseing, logging, graphic design, website, promotion, press releases.. all me. weeee. i've definitely learned a lot and if you know me, you know how i like event/program planning. must be the virgo side of me that can't help herself. anyway it's the week before the event and i'm brain dead. yesterday i felt like i had things running through my head about the bbq, what i have to finish, what i need to make sure is there, delegating tasks, testing the computers for check-out, finishing up auction stuff, cleaning the database.. and the auditor comes in the middle of everything to get stuff from me. talk about a near train wreck in my head!

i swear i had a blank look on my face all day, but i kept working. my manager was asking if everything was alright, my executive director was asking about the audit and i was trying desperately to hold onto bbq/auction stuff inside my head while finding the answer to her question. i kept imagining little people in my head running around managing thoughts (yes i know i'm crazy :P). anyway, all in all it was fine, by about 5:15pm i had most things sorted out and when i stepped through the doorway to hula class i was feeling great. i left everything i was thinking about and just enjoyed the dancing and the learning and the movement. that and i finally slept through the night relaxed last night.

phew! just one more day and the bbq will here.. then it will be over and i'm sure i'll find something else that needs to get fact my mind is already moving that way... newsletters, annual appeal, volunteer recruitment...

yes i love helping people.. can't help it. :) although some might look at it differently, i could just be in love with that self-sacrificing feeling of giving myself to help others.. but that involves a whole other post and more.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

band geek

so i used to be a band geek or at least hang out with them, i don't know.. is the colorguard considered part of the band?

anyway.. yes i was in colorguard, spinning and tossing flags, sabres, and rifles and dancing across the field in funny look costumes. one year it was a tunic over a body suit (going to the bathroom was a chore), the next year it was a one piece suit over a ruffled shirt with ruffled cuffs, and then after that it was a black leotard with black velvet pants (that wasn't so bad). but yeah.. there was something glorious about running across a field while the band played, running from yardline to yardline, trying to reach your flags in time and not get in the way of the band or smack them with your flag.. hehe. okay may not sound so glorious, but when you win.. that felt good.

why am i going on about a cheesy high school memory? well.. last night i was channel surfing and i came upon the world band corp championships. yes folks, it goes on after high school ends. but you know what? some of them are really, really good! it was fun to watch. not to mention.. men in uniform ;) haha. you may laugh but some of those guys are pretty cute. if you think about it, they practice really, really hard, early in the morning, in the evenings, carrying their equipment and uniforms wherever they go. you can develop some serious muscle that way. Not to mention they're 'running' around on the field, non-stop... while playing an intstrument, that is not an easy feat. And the colorguard.. more running, dance practice, flag practice, etc. They work just as hard, on the field with the band and off.

So anyway.. just a bit of insight into a life of a band geek.. maybe they're not so geeky afterall.. where's the nearest field?

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

look it flips out too!

Monday, August 29, 2005

25 year old Monkeys

jumping on the bed! Yay, I'm 25, I can finally rent a car coz ya'll know how long I've been waiting for that.. (note sarcasm). But really, turning 25 doesn't feel like 25, in fact it doesn't really feel like anything.. other than a reason to party and get lots of present and birthday wishes.

It's fun coz I get birthday wishes on my birthday and the belated ones that come after only remind me of the fun I had. So this past Saturday I got to celebrate with other Virgo babies - Virginia, Karen, and Jen (I'm the oldest.. by a few days. :P). We went to Dragon Bar which is a nice place, low-key, mixed crowd, not snobby, pretty good music, free (before 11), so for the value I give it an A. Anyway, here's one of my favorite pictures from the night. Click on it to see more. We were trying to squish into the photo, the first one cut Jen's head off and then this one looks mushed. Which is how the night went.. with Jen doing most of the mushing.

A great time of dancing, drinking (coke), and friends. :) Thank you to the ones that made it out. And for those that missed it, let's just go out again. I'm done sitting on my butt watching movies.. I want out!! The going out bug has hit and I need bodies and ideas.. so let's go!

Friday, August 26, 2005

human zoo exhibit!

Sometimes I wish it was easier to travel around the world, because this is something I'd like to see.. London Zoo's New Exhibit: The Human Zoo. Click here for the Yahoo article on it. Trust the British to come up with something so zany, just like the rest of their dry humor.

Honestly, I'm not sure what this proves, besides the fact that you can watch a few people (what looks like at least 7 people) run around in a zoo exhibit for four days. They say "the four day event aims to demonstrate the basic nature of man as an animal and examine the impact that Homo sapiens have on the rest of the animal kingdom." Riiight... basic nature I think would come out if a group of people crashed on a deserted island with no way off and no hope of rescue.. not in a zoo exhibit where people can come watch scantily clad Brits run around playing. And the impact we have on the animal kingdom? Don't think you'll see it in a contained unit where they are without all the industrial innovations that are slowly killing our planet. Not saying that I'm an angel.. shoot I love apple products and clothes and shoes, etc. I'm sure some of my purchases are only helping the slow destruction of our earth. But either way, I'm a bit skeptical about this whole "human zoo", but curious at the same time. What exactly is London Zoo trying to show? You'd think with all the technology we do have, they'd put up a camera or more information on the website, but all it's got is a summary, a link to buy tickets and two photos..

ah well..!

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

quarter of a century old

I had a great birthday today! Woke up and went to the spa, which felt soooo great. I'm a true believer in the healing power of the spa. If I could I'd definitely open one. Too bad it's so expensive to run, I'd love to be able to make it affordable to everyone. As it is, when I want to go I have to save up to splurge.. but I definitely find it worth it. Luckily, my dad gave this to me as a birthday gift, along with my hair cut the day before. Yipee!! Then I headed over to San Mateo for lunch had a light lunch of pho and sat outside eating chinese roll cake.. yummy. Drove up to Fremont to have dinner at Champion Teppanyaki.. Chinese style teppanyaki. Total we had 25 people attend. Me, dad, grandpa, my friend Mason, the Shen family (Uncle PJ, Auntie Di Fen, Beverly, and Evelyn), and the Cisco ASR team (all 16 of them). It was great fun, lots of people, lots of food, and wine, wine, and more wine.. and some water. :D

And all throughout the day I got phone calls, texts, emails and lots of happy birthday wishes.

Thanks everyone for making it such a great birthday!! :)*HUUUUUUUUUUUG*

practicing "styling"

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

chop chop.. it's off!

Sunday, August 21, 2005

laughter from the belly into the heart

it's 8:30am and i just finished watching two videos on my friend "greedi's" website.. and man am i missing so cal right now. now just the great weather and the beaches, but the memories with my friends and most of all them.. no matter how bad my life has gotten they've always been there for me and they watched me grow out of my awkward stage.. granted into a different awkward stage.. but hey. :) it's a transition folks!

anyway, everytime i think about them they bring a huge smile to my face and i'm reminded most of all about how they make me laugh. it's not just about humor... this is a laugh from the belly that goes into the heart and fills you up completely with warmth. and as your laughing you know that this is a moment you're sharing and enjoying and reveling in that you have this wonderful friend to love and share this with. it's a total mind and body experience and you don't realize it until one day something triggers a memory..

..or like a drug if you haven't had it for a long time, and you go and visit and it happens and you get this huge rush because you remember what it feels like to laugh that hard with the belly and have it fill you up inside.

good times. good times.

i love seeing how my life has changed over time. and the great thing about having friends all over california is.. no matter where i fall, someone will catch me.

Thursday, August 18, 2005

snow in august

I'm already thinking about it. For some reason I'm still getting Transworld Snowboarding and Skiing magazines. I started flipping through the boarding ones.. if anyone wants the ski ones let me know. Anyway, they've totally got more articles about and for women now! Sic!

So today I've spent a few minutes purusing the internet and decided to devote a blog entry to snowboarding. So far I've been thinking a few things, I didn't get a season pass again, because work prevents me from going up enough to get proper usage out of it. But I do think I want to take a few days off to spend up there if possible.. means more saving money needed.

Anyway, so first visit to and looking around, the muse tribute is a beautiful board, design/construction wise. But I'm not much of a pipe/park person, still working on that. So thus my eyes turn to the Cuna Union.. *happy sigh*. I ride a Santa Cruz board right now and love it and they've done some changes to the tips and construction so yipeeee!!

BUUUUTTT THIS is the board I've been pining after for soooo very long... Hyleyn by Hammer Snowboards(see pic at top and click link for details). Ever since I started looking/shopping/researching boards back when I first decided to purchase ones.. I've drooled over this board. There's just something about it, I've never even ridden the darn thing and it just caught my eye. What can I say I'm a sucker for advertising. And this years graphic, totally me! Although the graphic from 2000 (?) was equally amazing. Didn't like the ones in between so much. But yeah.. a woman can dream can't she?

Either way, I don't technically need a new board, definitely need new boots though. Maybe I should just get a whole new set and sell the old one ;). Haha.. we'll see how it goes.. did I mention my birthday is coming up soon? j/k.

Wednesday, August 17, 2005

greedi sticki

so it's my birthday month.. and i've spent a few hundred this month on stuff I really didn't need.. my justification? it's my birthday. i think i'll return some of it, coz i REALLY don't need all of it.

anyway, i'm supposed to be saving money in my IRA and just in general, especially since i want to go on vacation soon.. i'm thinking NY to see Kris or Hawaii would be nice!

Anyway.. so for my birthday wish list (hint, hint ):

bose sounddock for ipod
apple isight
apple mighty mouse
woman's mountain bike or cruiser bike
new snowboard boots
new snowboard - my dream
lacoste mystere sneakers w/ green velcro straps
tiger x os
ipod shuffle (for snowboarding!)

... i'm sure i'll add more to this list later.. :P
one click leads to another

As usual my boredom will lead me to the internet. The one place where it looks like I'm still doing work, while passing away the time. Not that I'm not working. You know how we're supposed to take breaks once in awhile.. well I consider these modifications to my sites those breaks. :)

Anyway, I was trying to figure out how to change my myspace page to look less... sterile. I joined because my hula brothers and sisters are all on there (yay hula!).. and then I remembered one of my other friends was there too, so I found him.. and then in his friends list saw a few more of my friends, clicked them, and saw more people, clicked them... and before I knew it, I was adding friends like crazy, doing some catching up, and had a million pages up.

:) Granted I didn't sit and read most of the profiles only because I already know them. But it's fun to see the recent pictures and see what they're up too. Life gets a bit boring and the internet has become my phone/window/letter to those friends who are too far to physically see or hug. Anyway, if you get bored check it out.

Monday, August 15, 2005


it's one of those days where you end up doing some soul searching.. here's what i found out about myself:

You are

Theme songs of your life
by eponine
your name?
love song:morning song - jewel
depressing song:you were meant for me - jewel
party song:senorita - justin timberlake
what-the-hell-ever song:the wreckoning - boomkat
your lifeordinary day - vanessa carlton
Quiz created with MemeGen!

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your lover is creative and never lets you feel bored.

You'd like to your lover to think you are loyal and faithful... that you'll never change.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was ruthless, cold-blooded, and sarcastic.

Your ideal relationship is open. Both of you can talk about everything... no secrets.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

You are dependable, popular, and observant.
Deep and thoughtful, you are prone to moodiness.
In fact, your emotions tend to influence everything you do.

You are unique, creative, and expressive.
You don't mind waving your freak flag every once and a while.
And lucky for you, most people find your weird ways charming!

good thing there's tests out there to help you remember who you really are.. hehe.

Friday, August 12, 2005


there are days when one gets bored at the office.. and wonders what it would look like if one stuffs the squishy thing one sits against inside one's sweater..



Wednesday, August 10, 2005

self-analyzing culture

I know culture affects who we are and who we become, it is both a cause, catalyst, and a result. One could mix in up-brining with culture, but techically, you can lump all of it together into one thing, you.

We joke, we mimic, and mock or pride ourselves in who we are and where our background comes from. Look at Margaret Cho, Russell Peters, Chris Rock... our ethnicity, our race, and our stereotypes make us laugh. Why? Because half the time it's true, you get it. You hear your mother's voice in Margaret's. Those How Do You Know if Your Asian lists?.. At least 90% of that list pertains to my family.. mother had short, permed curly hair, shoes at the door, played an instrument, the list goes on.

What isn't quite so obvious, but has recently over the past few years presented itself in a more personal and tangible way is how my culture "dictates" the way I react to certain situations.

1) Guilt.. oh boy, I could write a whole book on how my life seems to be lived in guilt. I don't know if this is a predominately Chinese feature, or a result of my Chinese American upbringing. The sense to honor our parents and make them proud can also lead to feelings of guilt for me. The American side says, be more independent, you don't owe anything to anyone but yourself (not that I really believe that, but the thought is there). The Chinese side says don't make waves, accept, roll with it and do better for my family and community. What elders say goes.

2) Don't cause trouble, falls in line with listen to your elders, don't ask too many questions. Does this mean when I get older I get to tell younger people that? But then if we're raised not to do that, how do we know when we get to have that 'privilege'. I guess it just happens, coz one day you start to realize you're turning into your parents.. not always a bad thing, not always a good thing.

Anyway, so my situation as of late: miscommunication with a co-worker leading to my unhappiness at work and wanting to leave. Not that I would, I have a responsibility to our clients and anyone else leaving the agency right now would just not be a good thing. But yeah, back to miscommunication, I think sometimse she expresses herself in the wrong way and I interpret it differently. Either way it had led to mistrust and frustration on my part. As much as I know I should 'confront' someone when I"m feeling this way, it's difficult being I never do stuff like that. Most of the time I'm so easy going I'll roll with it, or deal with it in a way where confrontation becomes unecessary. I don't say I ignore it (sometimes I do), but there are ways to say things or actions that can be taken to reach a compromise. There was no way around it this time, I had to talk with her. I've always known miscommunication generally leads to negative feelings, but while you're feeling them it can be hard to see clearly. Talking it out with the ED helped me realize just what I was feeling and why and what I needed from my co-worker to help me better understand the situation. Hopefully this will all work out, I've already talked to her and it was a good talk.. we'll see what happens. At least now I know what I need in terms of communication with people and I think this has helped me sort some stuff out about myself.

I strongly value honesty above all else, never lie to me because finding out the truth later hurts much more. One can never fault someone for being honest at least about important things. :)

Friday, August 05, 2005

butterflies in the stomach

They're back! That nervous feeling you get before a competition, before going on stage, knowing you've been practicing and you're about to share a part of yourself with however many are watching...

I'm so excited! I love that feeling! Going out on the field for colorguard (yes laugh if you want), getting that rush as the music fills you up and you are performing in front of hundreds of people. The best part of that was winning.

The second time I remember that feeling was performing for a talent show during UCI's SPOP program. All the summer orientation staffers would practice to do this show, I've played a 'hoochie' in Kung Fu theatre, although later playing the head bad guy was much more fun. Then there was the hip hop dance group we created for the show, that was fun. But the best part? Being able to sing in front of 500 people, something I had always wanted to do and wasn't sure I'd be able too. One of my fellow staffers (or Hot Travis) as he was called played the guitar most beautifully and I sang Bizzare Love Triangle, the Frente version. I remember how nervous I was, but I loved it.

Now here we go again! Hula performance tomorrow. It's great, that anxious, excited feeling, remembering what it's like to have a good performance. YAHOOO!! The costumes are made, making the accessories, I feel like so much of me has gone into this for a mere few minutes on stage, but hey.. YAHOOOOOO all the same! For those of you who are coming to watch, MAHALO! Thanks for the aloha and support.

See you tomorrow!

Friday, July 15, 2005

Off with her hair!

So I decided I'm finally going to do it! Two things that I've had on my list of "to do before i die" items.

1) Cut my hair short! And that means above my neck.
2) Donate my hair to cancer patients!

Well a few days ago I actually noticed the length of my hair. I hadn't been paying attention, since I was my hair in the morning I'm usually not quite awake yet. Then it just goes into a bun so it's out of my face so I can get my work done.

Anyways, I took it out one day and looked at it and thought hmm.. I wonder how long it is. Generally organizations only take 10" or longer, those are "Locks of Love"'s requirements anyway. So I tied my hair in a ponytail and got out my trusty measuring tape. 10" for the longest bit and 8" for the shorter layered pieces. So it looks like I'll have to wait another 2-4 months so that more pieces are 10" long. They can't really use shorter pieces, although those will be separated out and sold, the money still goes back to "Locks of Love".

So yeaup, that's my goal, in the next 2-4 months, try to think loooooooooong (there isn't anything I can really do to make my hair grow faster). And maybe by November you'll see me with really short hair! Yikes!

If anyone's got any cute short hair cut ideas, let me know. :)

Thursday, June 23, 2005



Wednesday, June 08, 2005

'getting over it'

- its a funny saying.. do people really 'get over' things, feelings, people, situations.. what does 'getting over it' really mean? dealing? letting go?

these days I feel like it means to learn to life with whatever 'it' is. it is a change of emotion or feeling about a situation. it can easily fall back as you move past one emotion into another. it feels like a
changing of the mind from one moment to the next. so many things swirl inside my head and almost 2 years later i've reduced it to only a dulled sense of the pain that hit me that day in october. the day when the 'the world isn't fair' revealed it's true self to me and introduced it's depth into my life. dramatic? of course as it should be.

let me let you in.. i wanted to rage that day but i couldnt . i knew that it was no one's fault? that death is the only true certain-ty that no one can escape. not to be feared but to be accepted. but that ever supposedly irrational side of emotion wanted/wants to argue otherwise. i know others who have had hard, 'unfair' lives and it occurs to me that there really isn't a measurement to 'unfair'. which leads into my empathy that often saves some poor soul from feeling the wrath of my grief. my patience is shorter these days and sometimes judgement pops into my head when others complain and that ever pervasive thought 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' screams at the forefront of my brain. but that sense of 'they can't understand because they haven't experienced it' will follow rapidly, closely followed by 'vicki, you probably don't understand their hardships and "unfairs" either, who are you to judge'. and the anger will fade but that thought doesn't disappear it just recedes back until it impetuously finds it's way back again.

I can only hope that someday 'getting over it' will mean that my patience will lengthen and the intervals between the 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' thoughts will grow and grow until it's negligable and replaced with a tender sorrow. no more anger. just a saddness that I know I will never forget followed by the memories of her love that keep me safe and looking towards the future. making her proud and being me to the best of my ability.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005


i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.

it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.

i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.

... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.

Saturday, May 28, 2005

on a swing @ the park, mouth full of ham and cheese sammich....waiting

I've had two near cases of food poisoning in the last two days you'd
think I'd have learned by now, but I really haven't. first it was bad
hummus, then it was to much dairy.. the syomach pain both of witch put
me to bed in the fetal position wishing it would disappear. why is it
that the mind so quickly forgets how much the body and soul hurt. each
time we experience pain it seems like hell on earth yet moments (be they
long or short) later we forget the pain we had jsut felt! defense
mechanism? ....further analysis will be done later... right now I just
wish the pain would go away.

Tuesday, May 24, 2005

I want my photo to show up!!

me bored at work. tired. 30 more minutes to go! my face has been
hurting.. I developed an allergic reaction to something in a lotion so
now my cheeks look like those of a little 2 year old who's been running
around and suddenly stopped.
joy! I wonder if tags work <b> bold </b>

mobile blogging

I'm so lazy look no posts since January! ahhh but now I can mobile
blog! perhaps this will make things easier...

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

I am: drinking as much water as I possible can.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.

Sunday, January 02, 2005

christmas on a plane, new years in shanghai

I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!

My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.

Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.

I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.

Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.

We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.

We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.

Mom, I love you.

New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.

Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)

Bye family! Thanks for everything!
i hope in 2005...

to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)

to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly

to create more of a plan for my future

to study a language

to save more money

to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)

happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!