Thursday, October 30, 2003


i'm done. this is it. no more. my heart just won't take it, it can't take it. that's three people in less than a fucking year. THREE loved ones. my grandfather last december, then my mother in october and not even a month past and my grandmother passes away too. is this some kind of sick joke.. it's almost funny.


ask me if i'm alright. i'm not, how could i be. devastated isn't even a word that means anything. it's not enough. anguish is not enough. grief is not enough. none of it is enough.

i'm done. i'm over.

i'm fine.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003


Tuesday, October 07, 2003


I didn't think it would actually happen that she would go. I thought the specialists at Stanford would find some miracle to save her life. And although they kept telling me the chances were slim, I kept thinking God would bring a miracle and bring her back to us. The day before she passed away my dad said the docs said she might not make it through the night. I hurried to the hospital and sat by her and with my family and friends and we left that night seeing her oxygen levels at low 90s. That's great I thought, she's fighting, she still has a chance! God can still give us that miracle!

Then the next morning my dad wakes me up and says O2 levels dropped to 40%.. she might go soon. I sat in the car stunned as my father had a burst of emotion and then calmed to continue driving to the hospital. Sixty percent is when brain damage occurs.. she had been at 40 for at least and hour and when we got there she was at 55 for a good two hours which later went up to 60 something. But it was too late.. I knew she wasn't going to make it, and even if she did.. she wouldn't be the same woman. She had made it clear to us repeatedly and to our family members that should she ever need to go on machines to let her go. She couldn't bear "living" like that.

Our family made the hardest decision of our lives.. the choices from the doctor 1) keep her on the machines for the next two days and let her die on the machines or 2) slowly take her off the meds (other than sedation to keep her comfortable) and let her pass peacefully. She wasn't coming back he said. We didn't let her suffer.. but up until the point of her last breath I kept hoping.. until I looked up and saw the machines registering no oxygen, no heart beat, and no brain function. The doctors had given her paralysis drugs so the machine cld help her breath better.. they let the drug wear off.. but she had regressed so much that she never started breathing on her own.. as soon as the machine slowed down she went on peacefully.

This is the hard part now.. the reality of what's gone from my life. My best friend and the only person in this world who knew me better than myself. It hurts to know she will never physically be with me in the next steps of my life, although I will forever hear her voice and feel her love. It hurts more to see the people who she touched, from those who've pratically known her all her life to those she had brief encounters with. It hurts the most to see my father lose his soul mate and for the first time look lost. But I thank the Lord for all the love he has surrounded us with, for the family and friends who share our burden and most of her for the time we had with my mother. It is her love that will keep us safe and heal our wounds in time and make us better and strong enough to continue our lives without her physical presence.

Mom, I know you can hear me and know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I will never stop loving you and that my world has forever changed from your presence and your absence. I will miss you always and love you always.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

i need your help

It's October and you can definitely feel it up here in Nor Cal. And my life in the last two weeks have been flipped upside down tremendously.. it went from having to give up a job to giving up my place in So Cal and moving back up here to my mom going to the hospital and then suddenly in the last three days - to her being in the hospital under heavy sedation and on machines helping her breath. I'm so scared we're going to lose her soon and the doctors aren't sure how long she's got left and she's not even conscious because she'll fight the tubes in her throat helping her breath if she's awake. They transfered her through helicopter to Stanford hospital yesterday and I pray the specialists there will be able to help her.

If any blog readers of mine know my mom, she's a really wonderful and caring person who's given so much to her family and more if that's possible. She is our reason for living and so selflessly gave everything to us and took less for herself. If you believe in a higher being send up prayers for her please, chants if your buddhist, and positive thoughts if nothing else.


ps. don't send flowers coz she can't be anywhere near them. cards are okay and if you wanna reach me, leave a message on the 'spill it' link.