Sunday, December 30, 2007

"the wonderful thing about falling in love is that you learn everything about that person, and so quickly. And if it's true love, you start to see yourself through their eyes. It brings out the best in you. It's almost as if you were falling in love with yourself." - playing by heart

Friday, December 28, 2007

I didn't see that wall there.. did you?

I went to take the GMAT.. all I can say is I fucked it up. Someone or something is telling me to slow the hell down (at least that's my excuse). Talked to my teacher and based on my diagnostics, there was a 3-4% chance I could score that low.. 3-4!!! What the heck?

As much as I hate to blame the fact that it was cooler in the room (I study in 70 degree heat :D) and that the entry/exit door was right behind me. People were constantly going in and out and I could hear everything through the ear plugs, plus I could hear what was going on outside the door. How awful is that?!

So I'm going to miss almost every round 2 deadline. What do I do now?

I feel like I got slammed into a wall, I cried, I'm sad, but more so I'm disappointed in myself and pissed off beyond belief! I worked my butt off!!

so I guess we'll see, there's no giving up. I want to get into one of these schools, I know I can.. there's no ifs, ands, or buts about this. I just need to find a sledgehammer for this damn wall!

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

the marrying type

I went to visit some close friends this past weekend, to get away and get some advice. One of them shared a story with me, he jokingly said, 'my brother's in love with you.' I thought, what the.. really? I had only met his brother at his wedding this past summer and we talked, at most, just the two of us, for 15 minutes. My friend said, his brother, who isn't known for being monogamous, said that I wasn't just someone to date, I was someone he could see himself with for a very long time.

This brought a flashback to a conversation I once had with someone, about how I seem to be the "marrying type". Doing a quick google search, I came across this article:

For the most part, that's so me.

One part of the article that particularly caught my attention was a conversation the author had with a guy friend:
"Guys are afraid of you."
"Afraid of me?" I was hurt (and in denial). "Why?"
"They know you're not the sort of girl to mess around with. You are to be taken seriously. You aren't going to put up with a lot of crap so if they aren't at the point to commit, then they don't even bother."

I had a similar conversation with someone years ago. Only with the added, "guys don't want to hurt you, you're too good and they know it." I'm not saying I want to be married right now, but I'd definitely like to be in the future. And I have tried the dating for dating's sake. I ended up in a year and a half relationship that wasn't what I really wanted. It also led to a lot of 1st and sometimes 2nd dates with no chemistry. I saw myself making a lot of friends...

A lot of guys friends mostly. I have loads of guy friends, some of whom I had started liking, but somehow I usually end up being their girl Friday. I can't even count how many conversations started with, "Hey Vix, I need some advice, I really like this girl... *quietly my heart falls, just a little bit - I quickly recover in time to offer advice*." I think my wish for my friends to be happy often makes me put what I want on the back burner. That and according to another friend I never give off enough signals. I have trouble flirting, it's not that I flirt awkwardly, I just don't, I forget, I'm too used to becoming the friend.

Yay.. lucky me. Same friend with the brother was told me, he knows lots of guys that I would be great with, only thing is, they're not good enough for me. :) Got to love that my friend is looking out for me, sucks that there's still no one.

Maybe my friends just tell me this stuff because I'm still single. If that's the case, guys, help a girl out!! Otherwise I might end up with unrealistic expectations.. is it already too late? :) .. only half joking.

Friday, December 21, 2007

at 13 or 27.. it's still the same fear

I was watching a re-run of Private Practice last night during my "study" break. In the show Cooper (a pediatrician) is talking to this young 13/14 year old boy. The boy was brought in by the mom because she thought he was sick.. he said he wasn't sick, he was in love.

Cooper asks, "isn't that supposed to be great?" The boy responds, "Not if the person you love doesn't love you back." Coop reveals that he has a crush too, he's in love with a co-worker and hasn't told her. He's loved for her a very, very long time. So the two make a pact, the boy will tell his love how he feels and Coop will tell his. Turns out, the boy gets beat up because he's in love with his best friend, who is a guy. Coop chickens out, because Violet is still in love with her ex (who is married).

Violet spent the episode trying to find out if the new wife (Cammi) was married and eventually the two have a confrontation. Turns out Cammi was there to check Violet out. Violet tells her there's no competition, Cammi is young and beautiful. Cammi tells Violet she isn't so sure about that... which thus gives Violet hope (bad bad bad!! - that's a whole different blog there altogether).

So Coop chickens out and reassures Violet, "Of course he's still thinking about you, you're hard to forget..." (they pause and look at each other) "you know big fuzzy red hair, loud voice.." (laughter breaks the moment). That's as close as Coop gets to telling her how he feels.

No matter how old you are, that fear is still the same. I remember feeling that scared and anxious when I was young and it still feels the same when you're older. It's this feeling that makes you feel like you're standing in the middle of a tornado. You're safe if you stay in the middle, but if you dare to tell the person, it's like waiting to see if the tornado will dissipate and the sun will appear or hits you and pulls you into it.

You'd think it would feel different as you get older, I suppose if anything it should get more scary right? Unless you feel as though you have nothing to lose. But if you think about it, it's all relative to your experience. So as a child, that's all you know, this is LOVE, real love and it's extremely scary. You've never felt this "intense" before! Then as you get older, you realize more and more the complexity of such feelings.. so that fear is still the same, no matter how old you get.

So if you were in the middle of the tornado, do you think you'd stick to the middle or go for it?

Saturday, December 15, 2007

My life at the moment...

Geeks are Chic!

My friend Stacie, sent me this link and I loved the article!

It's so true and to be honest, I've always had a soft spot for geeky/slightly dorky men. :) One day I hope to marry a cute, nice, geek. Maybe because I was a geek in high school, okay maybe more of a dork than a geek, since geeks tend to be super smart. Either way, I was them. I wore clothes that were very unfashionable and spent my time trying to be smart, playing board games and talking about geeky tech toys. (Come to think of it, I still do a lot of that now, only I dress a lot better.)

I think most of the guys I've ever liked/crushed on were geeky in some way, extremely nice, or very humble.. it's always that sweetness that gets me. :) And if they love dogs, it's so over, I'm smitten!

three cheers for geeks because they're chic!

Friday, December 14, 2007

Chanson: i saw your away message

and it showed the part: cautiously hopeful...

so i was about to message ask

why not be: Hopeful with abandonment!

or some variation on that, ridiculously hopeful works too

or hopeful like on christmas morning

but then i saw the rest of your


the: i HOPE i HOPE!!! part

and it put a smile on my face

it's the yang family way

i know no yang's to be cautiously hopeful

hmmm.. he does have a point. :P

Friday, December 07, 2007

feeling special at at frou frou spa party

On occasion (when I can afford to splurge), I go to the Preston Wynne Spa in downtown Saratoga for a massage or facial or something. I first found out about them at a Next Door Solutions for Battered Women's fundraising event. The owner of the spa is on their board of directors and does a lot to support the organization and women in domestic violence situations.

I like how as I'm supporting my own well-being, I'm indirectly supporting Next Door and women. :)

So last night, was their client appreciation party, there were 400 RSVP's and you could feel the numbers. My friend Jess went with me, because these things are always more fun with someone else. We got to downtown Saratoga early and had some dinner and then headed over there. Got our gift bags and signed up for a bunch of mini-treatments. It's amazing how 5 minutes of massage can help you feel 10x lighter! We had a hand massage, scalp massage (I could have fallen asleep in the chair), neck and shoulder massage, had our make up done, flowers/xmas trees painted on our nails, and even a flower essence reading.

When I was getting my make up done, the make up artist kept remarking how beautiful I looked with the smokey eye she was applying. When I took a look later I was a little shocked, it was a bit much, but looked good from far away. Then I realized why she kept saying it looked so pretty, she had made me look like a stereotypical cat-eyed asian woman. All I needed was a red chi pao with the slit up my thigh so high I can't sit in the dress, a fur coat, and the arm of a rich asian ganster. Yeaup.. that would have done it.

Jess and I even got hair consultations from the hair salon where I had my hair chopped short for donation! I really liked the girl I spoke with an I have an appointment in January to get my hair fixed up and bangs put back in. Yay! It's going to be my, congrats you finished taking GMAT gift to myself, either that or sorry you did so crappy on the test, here hope you feel better soon gift.

We continued getting treatments, wandering around, all the while munching on delicious appetizers such as shrimp mix on chips, smoke salmon and crustini, small sandwiches, and hummus. We sipped cranberry sparkling soda with champagne and nibbled chocolates from the local chocolaterie across the street. My favorite was the hot chocolate, it was delicious and absolutely amazing, I wanted to take a thermos of it home for later. :)

We ended the night with the flower essence reading. She had me sit with my eyes closed and told me to breath deep and connect with the earth. Then I had to picture a question in my mind, something I've been thinking about a lot. Well a picture popped into my head and it could have symbolized two things. I then opened my eyes and had to pick a card with a flower on it that spoke to me and she told me what it meant. The advice she gave me? - give and keep on giving, don't let expectations block me and cause disappointments, just give if I want to give and if I do give, to give freely and expect nothing, or just don't give at all if I don't want to. This might need some analyzing, I only hope it's a good sign or it could be a warning. Terrific!

All in all, so glad Jess came with me, had a blast and it felt good to not think about other stuff in life for awhile. But now, it's over back to reality...

Tuesday, December 04, 2007

What I Imagine Heaven would taste like...

sorry bad photo.. i was 3/4 through heaven when i realized i wanted to take a photo. it's a Beard Papa's cream puff if you can't tell. :)

Monday, December 03, 2007

Saturday, December 01, 2007