Thursday, June 23, 2005



Wednesday, June 08, 2005

'getting over it'

- its a funny saying.. do people really 'get over' things, feelings, people, situations.. what does 'getting over it' really mean? dealing? letting go?

these days I feel like it means to learn to life with whatever 'it' is. it is a change of emotion or feeling about a situation. it can easily fall back as you move past one emotion into another. it feels like a
changing of the mind from one moment to the next. so many things swirl inside my head and almost 2 years later i've reduced it to only a dulled sense of the pain that hit me that day in october. the day when the 'the world isn't fair' revealed it's true self to me and introduced it's depth into my life. dramatic? of course as it should be.

let me let you in.. i wanted to rage that day but i couldnt . i knew that it was no one's fault? that death is the only true certain-ty that no one can escape. not to be feared but to be accepted. but that ever supposedly irrational side of emotion wanted/wants to argue otherwise. i know others who have had hard, 'unfair' lives and it occurs to me that there really isn't a measurement to 'unfair'. which leads into my empathy that often saves some poor soul from feeling the wrath of my grief. my patience is shorter these days and sometimes judgement pops into my head when others complain and that ever pervasive thought 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' screams at the forefront of my brain. but that sense of 'they can't understand because they haven't experienced it' will follow rapidly, closely followed by 'vicki, you probably don't understand their hardships and "unfairs" either, who are you to judge'. and the anger will fade but that thought doesn't disappear it just recedes back until it impetuously finds it's way back again.

I can only hope that someday 'getting over it' will mean that my patience will lengthen and the intervals between the 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' thoughts will grow and grow until it's negligable and replaced with a tender sorrow. no more anger. just a saddness that I know I will never forget followed by the memories of her love that keep me safe and looking towards the future. making her proud and being me to the best of my ability.


Tuesday, June 07, 2005


i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.

it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.

i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.

... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.