Tuesday, March 20, 2007

(stole this from greedi in 2004... finally filled it out for 2006)

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
i adopted a dog and stuck to my convinctions in being totally honest after lying to myself for too long and went to a hula competition!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more
for next year?
hmm can't remember if i had new year's resolutions and haven't made any for 2007, just trying to live life for each day.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yeaup! my auntie and uncle.. our first new cousin in 8? 9? years! she's adorable! and my hula sister!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend and my dog. Can you get used to death? or does that mean you just understand it better...

5. What countries did you visit?
none.. but I did go to Costa Rica in 2007 and planned it in 2006.. does that count?

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
peace of heart and peace of mind

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 3, 2006 - hello HEART! , August 27, 2006 - goodbye heart, December 26, 2006 - goodbye again heart.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through like a normal person and kept most of my optimism and love of life.. most of it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not sure if it can be considered a failure.. life happens, you have downs.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
only heart break

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my dog!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
ameer, he really lived life up here and helped keep me going some days whether he realizes that or not. i really admire that he made it up here and miss him terribly after he moved back down.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the desperation of some people in this world.. those who would be capable of shooting and killing and innocent human being for no good reason.

14. Where did most of your money go?
somewhere between my savings account and my dog

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
adopting my furbaby (notice a pattern here?), he taught me how to love again in the short time he was with me, he was my heart and my everything

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Grace by Kate Havenik

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
freer in a strange way with aches in my heart, but a smile on my face

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Appreciated more people and spent time with more people

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
wasting time indoors

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
not sure yet, but will be with family :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
hopelessly and completely, with a toothless, 11 year old, deaf pup who's tongue always stuck out to the left

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, I related to that show a little to well in 2006

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word.. i have developed some dislikes for some people who weren't who i thought they were

26. What was the best book you read?
dog books, you'd be surprised what you can learn about yourself and people.. that or buddha in your mirror

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
gotan project - thanks tracy!

28. What did you want and get?

29. What did you want and not get?
haha.. a clearer idea of my goals

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i can't remember, i watched so many in my queue.. yay for movies sent to your home to appease my laziness!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26, had a great BBQ on the weekend, spent the actual day with my hula sisters and my dog.

32. What is one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not losing loved ones

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

34. What kept you sane?
my dog and my friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Greg Sanders on CSI :) oo la la!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
*sigh*.. don't want to go there

37. Who did you miss?
the friends and family i couldn't see easily and the ones that have gone too soon

38. Who was the best new person you met?
oh geez.. now why play favorites? I met a lot of new people.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
death happens, you can't keep feeling sad your whole life and it doesn't diminish how much you love or miss the person/dog if you feel happy.. so go ahead, feel happy again.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

"Grace" - Kate Havenik
Updates list of countries and states I've visited..

Countries - hopefully one day I can hit 100 :) My friend Tracy and I had a conversation about this, apparently there's a club you can join if you've visited 100 or more countries, easier said than done..

create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

States - Wish - to drive across the US and visit random things and people.

create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

Thursday, March 15, 2007

how many broken hearts have you had in your lifetime?

i saw that question on one of those survey's that friends forward you and if you don't fill out and forward will have 7 years of badluck... i probably have 3 lifetimes worth of bad luck by now.. hmm that might explain some things.

i don't believe that anyway, so it doesn't matter. but it got me thinking about broken hearts, just how do you know your heart is really broken? for me it's based on comparison.

my first love, it was wonderful, fleeting, and naive. you fly high and fast and passion comes to mind. but it also means you fall just as fast and HARD, like your whole body slams into the group and it hurts.

but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as when my grandfather died. suddenly, that first heart break was pulled into perspective. but he was older and had been getting sicker, it made it a little easier to understand. after he passed away i remembered when i lost my uncle at 14. he was like an older brother and we were quite close. i didn't quite understand death at the point, i know i hurt a lot, but it almost seemed easier to bounce back from that.

then it got worse, an infinite times worse when i lost my mother. she got sick and was gone in 3 months, i hadn't even had time to get over the denial that she might die before she actually did. i didn't have any time to process and then really spend time with her. my days at the hospital were spent reading a book, unable to speak much to her about deep feelings for fear of crying. just 3 months before she was laughing and going on spur of the moment trips to hawaii with my dad. she was still teaching me how to cook my favorite dishes over the phone and advising me on what to do since i had just graduated. i didn't even realize how deep my denial was until it was all over, too late. my heart had shattered in a way i never imagined possible and didn't see coming.

i didn't think i would be able to love like i wanted to love again. after i returned from england i really felt i was in a place to be in a relationship and ready to start a "new chapter" - yes it was cliche, but that's how i felt. i was happy, free from drama and content. and then i was throw for a loop. i didn't know what to do... funny thing was 3 years later, i learned to love again from a fluffy, white, toothless dog with a dopey grin. he walked in at just the right moment.. because 3 months later i received the worst phone call of my life.

the san diego police called to tell me that my best friend had been shot and murdered just 2-3 hours after i had last spoken to her. i was the only one they could reach and they needed her parents phone number to notify them. i spent the rest of the day with griffy in my lap, making phone call after phone call, repeating the same words twice.. "karen was shot and killed this morning".... "WHAT?!"... "karen was shot and killed this morning". our friends came over and we sat together, unable to say much, but appreciating that we could just be together.

it was after losing karen i stopped mourning my mother. i didn't realize i had spent so much time so hurt and sad and angry. after karen died i realized how much i had been carrying over the last 3 years and knew i couldn't keep going like this. they wouldn't want me to go on like this and i "snapped" out of it. i still let myself get sad and angry, i no longer block it out or push it away. i soak it in, let myself feel it, let myself cry and scream alone or with someone and then i let it go.

this helped prepare for the day after christmas when i had to make the decision to put griffy to sleep. his kidney's had failed and his age accelerated the process. we tried hospitalizing him and doing fluids, but he had a few seizures in the span of 24 hours and i knew i had to make that choice. he helped me in ways i never imagined possible in the 7 months i had him. i remembered what it was like to love something so much. as devastating as it was to lose him so soon and also so suddenly i let myself feel the pain and kept on going.

death doesn't stop, it doesn't discriminate against age, sex, color, religion... it's part of life, it happens. i know my heart will break again, either from losing a loved one or losing someone's love... i know i'll be okay. all i can do is let my heart break, "mend it", and keep on going..

because a heart that can be broken isn't really broken after all... right?