Wednesday, September 28, 2005

re-inking a fading tatoo

*GASP* you know that sound that people make when they come up for air and desperate need it? that sound feels like it's sitting deep inside my chest and echos in my ears lately. it's been almost two years and it feels like forever since she left us. for some reason as i get closer to the two year anniversary (if you can call it that) i have this desperate feeling that passes through me. i'm afraid i'll forget what she was like... her hugs and kisses, the sound of her voice, our talks, her teaching me how to cook (over the phone usually), just everything. i feel like i need to go through every memory of her that i have in my head like i'm trying to re-ink a fading tatoo.

i don't want to forget anything because this is all i have left. but i desperately want to see her now, to smell her, hug her, hold her and love her. i want to be able to ask her what to do now and to be able to ask those questions in the future when i need too. i want to be able to make new memories but i can't and it feels like i'm gasping for air trying to feel her again.

i don't want to forget her and it feels like so much time has passed.. i don't ever want to forget any of it, but there's this fear that her presence will fade and i will forget as more time passes.. how do you hold on and let go at the same time?

Monday, September 26, 2005

how to make..

How to make a jadeheart

1 part friendliness

5 parts courage

5 parts empathy
Add to a cocktail shaker and mix vigorously. Top it off with a sprinkle of lustfulness and enjoy!


Personality cocktail

Wednesday, September 21, 2005

5 senses

It's kind of funny how random thoughts will hit you while you're doing the most regular things. Last night I went to my first book club meeting, we read "The Girl With a Pearl Earring" by Tracy Chevalier and then saw the movie staring Scarlett Johannson and Colin Firth. I've always tended to like books better than the movies, minus maybe the Lord of the Rings triology (they can get a bit slow in the middle). Anyway, there are big differences between the movie and the book because of time constraints for the film. The characters tend to develop a bit different and some are missing. But since I had read the book I had all this background knowledge and it helped. This was the first time that I felt like the book and the movie meshed well together. The background helped enhance the visual aspect. So it got me thinking about how we see things in life.

Our eyes are biased, we think we see the truths, but they only catch a fraction of what happens in a moment. And if you really sit and think about it, there's a lot going on. Each person in the 'scene'has a life, has a history that develops who they are. There are so many complexities that make us each individuals.

Even if we could trust our eyes to see truth, our hears to hear it, and all our senses to feel it out. Even if they were all working together, the truth is still a perception that we interpret in our minds.

I think this is why I like interacting with people so much. There's so much going on , so much that can happen. There are no absolute truths, but there are the truths that happen in your life to make you who you are.

Monday, September 19, 2005

CCS 21st Annual Auction & BBQ

Just thought I'd post a few pictures of our BBQ/Auction fundrasier, while I was doing the layout for our newsletter. Since May has this project consumed much of my time and effort at work. It was a lot of fun and went really smoothly. Everything looked great and the minor glitches that came up, we smoothed out pretty quickly. The food was delicious as usual. The firefighters from Local 1165 always come out and cook for us, it's so good, they do tri-tip, ribs, huge chunks of chicken, beans, salad, garlic bread... yummy. Look at all those chickens! We had these great auction items too. Hotel stays, gift certificates, cookbooks, floral arrangements, teeth whitening (I lost that bid), jewelry, purses (I donated one that I had made), spa treatments, haircuts, manicures, vaccuums, antiques, handmade quilts, scarves, and the so much more! The live auction items were really cool too.. too bad I don't have enough money to bid on all that, there were Sharks tickets paired with dinner at Outback Steakhouse, getaways to Mexico, cruisetrips, dinners by local chefs. What I really wanted was this gorgeous beach cruiser.. but honestly.. where am I going to ride it? Around my house?! Give me a break.. with all those hills that thing wouldn't make it. If I still lived in Newport.. I would have gone for it. But I only convinced myself that if I was going to spend $300+ (the bike sold for $275, that's how much they cost - at cost), I may as well invest it in a bike I'll use. So I decided to get a mountain bike. This way I can go out and about, maybe use it to commute to work. I can't wait for it to get here. All in all, the event was fantastic, and I think we made a profit of around $50,000. At least that's done.. for now. I have about a month to breath, before the planning for the next fund development projects start picking up speed.. here we go! :)

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

happy birthday mom

she would have been 54. we don't realize just how short time is and how young we really are all at the same time.

Friday, September 09, 2005

brain is dead.. and i'm venting

the human body amazes me, what we're able to endure physically and emotionally, how it just keeps functioning. there are so many parts to you as a person that has to keep running to keep you moving, thinking, breathing. every little bit is entwined with another part and no matter what hits you, you just keep going.

well.. that's been me this week. i just keep going. our agency's major fundraiser is tomorrow and i've been working on it since may. meetings every month for the bbq, for the auction, just because, phone calls, letters, mailings (i've been to the bulk mailing office 3 times in one month), counting, sorting, databaseing, logging, graphic design, website, promotion, press releases.. all me. weeee. i've definitely learned a lot and if you know me, you know how i like event/program planning. must be the virgo side of me that can't help herself. anyway it's the week before the event and i'm brain dead. yesterday i felt like i had things running through my head about the bbq, what i have to finish, what i need to make sure is there, delegating tasks, testing the computers for check-out, finishing up auction stuff, cleaning the database.. and the auditor comes in the middle of everything to get stuff from me. talk about a near train wreck in my head!

i swear i had a blank look on my face all day, but i kept working. my manager was asking if everything was alright, my executive director was asking about the audit and i was trying desperately to hold onto bbq/auction stuff inside my head while finding the answer to her question. i kept imagining little people in my head running around managing thoughts (yes i know i'm crazy :P). anyway, all in all it was fine, by about 5:15pm i had most things sorted out and when i stepped through the doorway to hula class i was feeling great. i left everything i was thinking about and just enjoyed the dancing and the learning and the movement. that and i finally slept through the night relaxed last night.

phew! just one more day and the bbq will here.. then it will be over and i'm sure i'll find something else that needs to get fact my mind is already moving that way... newsletters, annual appeal, volunteer recruitment...

yes i love helping people.. can't help it. :) although some might look at it differently, i could just be in love with that self-sacrificing feeling of giving myself to help others.. but that involves a whole other post and more.

Wednesday, September 07, 2005

band geek

so i used to be a band geek or at least hang out with them, i don't know.. is the colorguard considered part of the band?

anyway.. yes i was in colorguard, spinning and tossing flags, sabres, and rifles and dancing across the field in funny look costumes. one year it was a tunic over a body suit (going to the bathroom was a chore), the next year it was a one piece suit over a ruffled shirt with ruffled cuffs, and then after that it was a black leotard with black velvet pants (that wasn't so bad). but yeah.. there was something glorious about running across a field while the band played, running from yardline to yardline, trying to reach your flags in time and not get in the way of the band or smack them with your flag.. hehe. okay may not sound so glorious, but when you win.. that felt good.

why am i going on about a cheesy high school memory? well.. last night i was channel surfing and i came upon the world band corp championships. yes folks, it goes on after high school ends. but you know what? some of them are really, really good! it was fun to watch. not to mention.. men in uniform ;) haha. you may laugh but some of those guys are pretty cute. if you think about it, they practice really, really hard, early in the morning, in the evenings, carrying their equipment and uniforms wherever they go. you can develop some serious muscle that way. Not to mention they're 'running' around on the field, non-stop... while playing an intstrument, that is not an easy feat. And the colorguard.. more running, dance practice, flag practice, etc. They work just as hard, on the field with the band and off.

So anyway.. just a bit of insight into a life of a band geek.. maybe they're not so geeky afterall.. where's the nearest field?