Friday, January 24, 2003

in limbo

You'd think that coming out to a whole different country and knowing that once I get home I have to enter the 'real' world would help clear up my mind as to what I want to do with me life. INSTEAD it only confuses me even more! Good grief! I knew I was going to meet new people and experience new things, but in my mind I knew that in 9 months I would be going home. I didn't think part of me would want to stay. Part of me wants to stay.. another year or something, I like it here. I have amazing people in my life that I would love to get to know better and there's this whole new opening up of ideas and thoughts and so much information to soak up. It's amazing how much thinking and change a person can go through by being 1/3 of the way around the world (did you know Japan, California, and England are the same distance apart from each other? more or less).

Getting actively involved in LIFE is wonderful. It's not to say I don't miss California and the sun and the beaches and my friends and family who know me inside and out. Because I do, I miss them like crazy and it didn't help that I was going to have to choose between Northern California and Southern California as a place to live. But chalk up one more choice.. Brighton. The other day Tilly and Noelle were telling me how they keep thinking of housing next year and who they want to live with and the one person they keep thinking of won't even be here anymore (it's me by the way.. haha). :( It makes me sooo sad, England's so far away from California. It seems no matter what happens at the end of this year, I'll be leaving someone and returning back to someone.. my whole life seems to be like that! A series of leaving and crying and loving and returning, but my heart has been split into so many pieces that are carried by people I love all over the world or even into the next (Grandpa I love you and think of you constantly).

Audrey Hepburn once said, "I was born with a terrible need for affection and a terrible need to give it."

Oh how funny life can be.

Friday, January 10, 2003

out of place

I suppose it's just one of those days, or maybe I say that to justify it to myself. But I'm sad today. I feel out of place in this country and in this school and with these people. There are so many cool people around me, in my house, and for some reason I feel like I can't get close to them. There is this wall, I don't know if it's mine or theirs or what. But something seems different. There is one guy in my house who I feel totally like myself around and completely comfortable with, although he's a little excitable at times and outta control, I don't have to try with him. Kristine, Peter (who's the guy I mentioned before) and I were kicking it in the house and talking last night when they mentioned that in my photos with Dustin I seemed to be all smiles and happy. But in pictures of me and my housemates, the ones caught off guard, sometimes I'm not smiling and look sad and lonely. I think its because with Peter and my American friends we have shared our lives with each other. I know about them and they know about me, but I don't really know that much about the other people in my house. Except for Theo maybe, he and I have had some really good converstions. But there are others whom I would LOVE to know better, but I'm not sure how to break through. I know how to make friends and how to trust and who to trust and how to read people back in the states. It's a place I understand and a place I grew up in, but England.. England is completely different.

any ideas? i'd love to hear them.. damn i'm missing my friends back home like crazy right now.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Bonne Annee *muah*

It's a new year. I made the resolution that upon my return to Sussex that I would try to act like myself more often. Too many times during the last term I would start to get uncomfortable and scared and the confidence in who I dropped. Although being sick right now it's helping a damn thing, so we'll see what happens. It's strange, I felt like coming back would change something in me, like a fresh start in some way. But it feels like things are ever just the same.. but not. We came back and in a sense picked up the university routine we had left behind, but something was slightly different. We now had a past with each other, a short one, but still we have shared experiences now. weird.. maybe it's just my aching sinuses making me feel funny.. hmm.. anyway back I suppose this is enough procrastinating. I was supposed to be reading the Communist Manifesto an hour ago.. haha..