Wednesday, September 25, 2002

counting down

T-minus.. uh.. several hundred minutes. Yeah I have about 8 hours before I have to leave the house and head to the airport, which means I can probably get in about a good 5 hours worth of sleep. I'm nervous and a bit scared and excited too. It's a strange feeling. Anyway, I keep feeling like I'm going to miss people and they're going to forget all about me. But I know that's not true, I am leaving gaps in people's lives just as they are leaving gaps in mine because of my absence. But distance makes the heart grow fonder. :) I will leave tomorrow knowing that I'm so incredibly loved by my family and friends. That I have people here who will always be there for me no matter what. It's an wonderfully warm feeling. I had a conversation with my friend Priya on the phone and she got me all psyched up to go. I love talking to her, she's already been abroad and her words infuse me with such energy because her passion for Europe and traveling shows in the way she speaks. I know I'm going to be okay, we humans have an incredible strength inside of us to deal with things. We often don't realize it though, but think about all the hard times you've gone through and made it to where you are now and although there will be more, you will get through those too. Look for the light. I've found mine, inside of me and in my family and friends and in the new friends I'm going to meet in England. People are such wonderful beings, you just have to find the wonderful. :)

what's the key to finding it? love

Sunday, September 22, 2002


That's me, melodramatic, according to my friend Clay anyway. Although he didn't use those exact words, it's what he meant about the way I write. But I suppose he's right, when I write, things flow out of my more in emotions than in anything else, because that's usually what I think in. The way I feel. I supose most things anyone writes are colored by emotion. Anyway, it's my blog, so I'll write however I feel like, you can skim past all the boring stuff. :) I write to let go of things and let things out as well as let you all know what's going on in the my life. As boring as that is. At least next year, I can tell you all the places I've visited or "crazy" things I'm doing in England. haha.. yeah, if you know me and my "crazy" it probably won't be that exciting, but come by anyway. I'll try to think of something interesting to do just for you.

Besides, in everyone's somewhat self-centered lives it's always a drama.

Saturday, September 21, 2002

I see in your future..

I just finished watching "life or something like it" and it got me thinking, about whether I really want to know what's going to happen in my future or not. My friend read my palm once and told me something about my future that didn't seem all that pretty and from the look on her face she was making it sound a lot nicer than it probably was. Then while I was in China my family had dinner with this monk who was now married and somewhat of a fortune teller. I won't say exactly what he said, but it followed along similar lines with what my friend had told me. Not exactly the same, but similar in a way. It was kind of scary, because if what they say is true, my future doesn't seem all that happy. Not that anyone is ever 100% happy ALL the time. Life always has it's ups and downs. But still.. if this is my future do I want it? Can I change it? Now that I know will something different happen or is it because I know that it will happen? I don't want to take too much of this to heart, because it'll scare me into not being able to live. Still.. when someone predicts and they are right most of the time it's a bit hard to ignore, not to mention the vagueness of his answers to my mother's questions about my love life don't help either.

But I worry that maybe I look for something that will never be, something too perfect in my mind and because of that I might pass by something that could have been so wonderful. But a small fear still holds me to my path. People have such power to hurt others and to be hurt by others, I don't want to be hurt or to hurt someone else. Maybe that's why I look for something too wonderful, at the same time I've seen things in front of me that are great, but something usually happens where it's just not the right time and it makes me wonder, am I making excuses? Or is it really just not the right time, or maybe not even the right person?

I'm waiting for it all to fit..hoping it will one day fit, worried that it won't.

Thursday, September 19, 2002

peace of heart

it's almost 5 am and i'm suffering from jet lag. took a 5 hour nap today by accident and now i can't sleep. mostly because i keep thinking things. well trying to think of things anyway, so i can sort them out. but i've always been a person who felt my thoughts more than actually thought my thoughts. if that makes any sense at all. so many things are going through my mind right now that i can't even sort them out. i just feel it and it's driving me nuts. part of it is homesickness. odd considering i'm "home" in saratoga, i think it's because i'm missing souther california. it has been my home for the past four years, not just a place where i lived, but where i've "grown up" and it's where i feel most comfortable. i guess you could say my heart is there, most of it anyway.

on top of that, i'm leaving for England soon, 7 days to be exact. it's scary, i got my orientation packet today talking about welcome week at the university of sussex. i have to go through being a "freshman" all over again, normally this wouldn't scare me at all.. but having to do it in a completely new culture is a big frightening. it's exciting too though, but the excitment and fear has kind of scrambled itself all up inside me so that all i'm feeling is incredible nervousness and a pit kind of feeling in my stomach.

not all is bad though, this leaving has shown me who really does care about me and how much my friends are going to miss me and definately how much i'm going to miss them. i'm missing people already, but knowing that the love is still there keeps me strong and reminds me that i'm going to be okay. love is a wonderful thing and isn't just for couples, but between friends can produce amazing relationships. i thank the higher being for blessing me in my life with such wonderful people around me, who's little comments on AIM or a simple e-mail or phone call or text message, whatever it may be that sends their words to me warms my heart and calms my mind. :) thank goodness for loved ones.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

So lately I've had all these thoughts running through my head, constantly. I don't always know what I'm thinking, so don't ask. I just know that they're there and bugging the heck out of me. I can't stand it anymore. It's worry, stress, happiness, fear, excitement, sadness, jealousy, joy... it's all so bittersweet leaving me feeling like i'm walking in a waking dream. All I do is eat and sleep all day, probably because my body can't handle all the noise in my head either, so it's either one of two options.. sleep so they are quiet or eat so I can think of something else. I spend a great deal of time watching the stupidest TV shows as well. Damn.. I better start clearing the mind or else I'm in BIG trouble. Tonight's random drive into the mountains helped a lot though. There's something to be said about alone time and just chilling with yourself. Funny, because I went to clear my head and sort things out and and instead nothing came to me, just peaceful calmness.. what a relief!