Thursday, August 26, 2004

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

the best birfday ever!!

so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!

friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)

we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.

wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!

Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.

I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!

Sunday, August 15, 2004


so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..

i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.

sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.

but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.

doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..

that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?

there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.

mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

lies 1.1

the heart will lie to protect itself, but it still makes it lie. reality sucks. caring about people hurts. i'm changing into a different person. i don't like it. i hope life will prove me wrong. because if it doesn't.. i'll never love again. then what's the point to living?

Friday, August 06, 2004

fevered wakefulness

i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.

being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.

but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.

if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.

i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.

just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

i miss her

i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.

if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.

love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.

i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.

i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.

shhhh let it fade away.
a faint memory

why are you mad?

because you're not listening to me.

I am listening, you're not hearing me.

okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?

I love you.

you do? what kind of love is that?

I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.

how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.

"i love you"

"i know"

"no seriously, i love you"

"I know"

"no, I really LOVE you."

"I KNOW.. I love you too."

....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.

it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.

my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

i was mistaken

I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.

I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.

I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.

i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.

This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths

Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness

When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received

i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.

the man laughed at me.