Sunday, March 21, 2004

slight desperation or just PMS

So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.

I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.

A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.

but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.

I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.

When is it going to be too late?

Monday, March 08, 2004


It's March already!! I can't believe it. I'm still itching to go snowboarding, it's so crazy. I never dreamed it would get to the day where I'd really really want to go snowboarding a lot more. I'm hoping we'll get one more good rain in so I can go enjoy the powder. I've still got two free tix to Heavenly that have to be used up by the end of this season.. soooo if anyone's interested ;) Let me know!

With this new weather feels like new beginnings.. although I kno this weather is not to last for very long. Just like new beginnings become the story. Anyways, I got promoted.. hooray for me! I'm so excited. I feel like fate is finally revealing a little bit more about my story to me. Although I'm still missing that love aspect, but anyone who knows me has already heard enough about that. I gripe and complain practically everyday.. so at this rate if the rule is that "it happens when you least expect it", it won't ever happen for me. I'm thinking about moving out. I miss my independence and my privacy, it's hard when you've had it for five years and then have to give it back or modify it. I kno.. I'm selfish.. so sue me.

I'm so tired of being the one to try and think of everyone and include everyone and not leave anyone out.. granted it's not like I've done that all the time. There have been times when I've left my own friends out and for that I'm truly sorry. They know who they are and I still love them all the same. I just want to know someone is thinking about me or have someone think about me for a change. And not because I ask them to.. just because they do.

Anyways, just like this random babble.. I'm sure the weather will soon change as will my moods.. oh damn it.