love.. or lack there of..
So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.
I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).
Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.
Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!
I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.
I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.
All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.