Wednesday, December 12, 2001

lately some people have been telling me wise things, things I forget sometimes and should remember.

so this is so I don't forget:

1) "I know I can't change the world, but at least I can speak up for what I believe in." Thanks Daniel.

2) "Love shouldn't be work." Thanks Todd.

either way I'll probably forget when emotions start getting the best of me again, but hopefully a little voice will kick in and make me remember, emotions don't always make the best decisions in life.. unfortunately.. yet I wouldn't want to live without them. :) would you know what happiness was if you didn't know sadness?

okay so something weird is going on with my blogger and some posts ended up posting twice.. not sure why.

Tuesday, December 11, 2001

okay those of you who know me well know that i don't get angry often, and when i do not for very long..


I can't stand it when people think I'm trying to be politically correct by not saying "that's so gay" or telling others not to say it.

SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I'M TRYING TO BE PC DAMMIT! it's not about that, how would you like it if someone used your race in a negative way, or your identity, or your name! It's about HURTING someone, about making them feel like shit, like their identity means nothing. think about if for a minute..

It's not about being PC anymore with me.. it's the fact that it hurts me, I may not be gay, lesbian, or bisexual.. but I have friends who are and I can understand how they hurt. I've felt hurt of a different kind which relates to someone badmouthing a part of who I am. Sure you may be "cool" with gay people, but if you still say it, you're telling other people it's okay to say it. Not everyone knows what you know. I understand that it's hard to judge when to draw the line, but damn.. remember a time someone hurt you by something they said.. it's the same thing. there's other slang to use out there, slang that doesn't require using someone's identity.

okay i'm done.. for now.
afterthought that become the forethought: mmm ramblings of the mind that come in a storm.. confusing perhaps to you.. to me it makes some sort of sense.. like an emotion, you can't explain it, it would only come out as jumble, mixed up phrases.. but you FEEL it..

anyway here goes:

jadeheart.. the name i so often use online, it came from my chinese name and developed into jadeheart.. but people often asked me why i was jaded so young. i used to deny that i was jaded.. but i came to the conclusion this weekend that i really am jaded in a way. not in all aspects of life, but the more i learn the more cynical i have become and the harder it becomes to just be 'nice' in this world. nothing is so nice anymore, nothing is so wonderful. there's pain and suffering all over the place and struggles taking place within everyone.

i knew a fairy tale was just that.. a tale, make believe.. but part of me wants to believe that some kind of fantasy still exists that there might be a bit of magic left in the world.. but everything i learn keeps denying it and showing me that perhaps the only magic one has is what we create on our own. but it's too much of a struggle.. to make magic on my own and no fun at that.. and i'm afraid if i keep looking for that dreamer with a little bit of magic to walk into my life it will never happen. i think it's time i came to grips with reality, but reality hurts and i want to turn back into that self centered fairy tale world. where i'm the princess and there's the prince and the world is right, where people love each other for who they are and there's no pain and struggle with society and what it wants us to do..

so i suppose my heart still believes there will be a bit of magic left in the world.. somewhere. i feel it every so often. but we still become selfish, in the fact that everything we do or anticipate is supposed to make our lives better somehow.. we forget the present.. and that's where i think the magic still may be..

so aptly named jadeheart.

Tuesday, December 04, 2001

i know i have so much, almost everything.. i'm safe, i have a loving family, loving friends, i'm so extremely lucky to not have to worry about my life, about food, or shelter or money. i know i can make it out there in the world "alone" if i had too.. i have been so blessed by everything and i know i take things for granted and i try to remind myself not too, everyday i know i should wake up happy just because i woke up in a warm bed.

i know there's something inside of me that doesn't trust guys, i'm not sure where it came from or how deep it runs.. i know i have been raised in a society where certain ideals are placed into my head.. i know that not everything is evil or bad.. i know that discrimination and oppression still exists.. i know the way i see things are always in conflict.. i know my identity is always changing and a struggle between emotional, physical, and psychological desires.. i know i want to cry, laugh, scream, fight, hit, make love to, fly, run, hug, hold, caress, love, hate, touch, kiss, etc.. the world, society, you, me, the earth, the sky, the water, the sun, moon, stars.. space.

i want to sit atop a cliff and touch the sky, kiss the stars, and weep upon the earth. i want to release my soul and let it fly above this earthly body.

i'm trapped, trying to make sense of myself and the world around me..

..trying to understand the thoughts that write lines into my hands..

..trying to understand the deep, complicated, simple meanings behind love and hate..

i miss you

Sunday, December 02, 2001

okay so again i'm supposed to be doing my german politics paper... i have one paragraph.. the opening paragraph. all it's actually missing is the thesis.. ha! the most important part and i'm stalling. i don't know why, i like the class it's interesting. you wouldn't believe all the shit Germany has been through and the political drama its endured.. it's amazing! in such a short period of time that country has gone to hell and back and then through it all again. anyway, my teacher wants us to write about the unification of germany and the aftermath it has on a social group.. i was going to do blue-collar workers.. i actually did a whole page.. but i kept coming upon interesting stuff about women (which is what i originally wanted to write about, but couldn't find anything on in my textbooks.. but now i have) so i scrapped that one and started anew.. i can't believe it either.. i had a whole page on the other one done and now just a paragraph and i've been "working" on this for 2 hours. i don't have the motivation for it, i don't think i can finish it. but i have to.. damn it.and my coughing isn't helping and now i think my eyesite is going funny. *sigh* yeah i'm complaining again. i do a lot of it, i shouldn't.. i have so much.

i was all depressed last night, because i missed having someone in my life and i wanted to have someone hold me while i fell asleep in my freezing cold ass bed. but the more i thought about it (my whining) the more i realized how lucky i was.. i have a bed to sleep in and it happens to be a big one, with a fluffy down comforter, in a room that's all mine... in a flat (that's what an apartment in a two floored house is called) i share with three people who really really care about me in a house so close to the beach i hear it at night and wake up to it in the morning.. in that house is a garage housing a car my parents bought me (yes spoiled brat that i am) as an early graduation gift, a car that most people dream about having, a car that takes me to a university where i have more friends and fun times and i have the privilege of taking classes and earning a degree so that i can get a good job and earn a higher standard of living..

..suddenly my bed felt really warm and cozy as i fell asleep feeling safe..

then i woke up a few hours later and threw up cuz i was sick, but hey.. it's not so bad if that's the least of my worries :)

Saturday, December 01, 2001

*sigh* it's 1:45 on a Saturday morning. I had no class on Friday, slept 12 hours, finally actually slept without coughing and waking myself up the whole time.. thanks for the Contact Beat it knocked me out. Got up, made some food was all ready to study, got food coma, took a nap from 2:45-4:45.. got up and did nothing. I was so lazy I can't believe it, but I couldn't focus on writing my two papers which are due Monday. All I did was whine (yes I know I'm whining now.. get over it) and bum around. oh well.. I'm sick.. I'm allowed it. :) I'll get the papers done, I'm sure of it, I usually do. That's what tomorrow nite and Sunday is for. Okay enough whining out of me.

The RA's are having a reunion tomorrow. I didn't realize how much I missed them and I missed having someone to talk to. It's like out of sight, out of mind.. sucks. It shouldn't be that way and I'm going to work harder to call them up just to talk. But sometimes my life feels so boring, but I miss them and their voices and their hugs. Especially the hugs :) and the way they made me smile just when I saw them. The amazing moments in life have to pass you by, but you'll always remember them, because they get you in the heart and soul and they won't leave. That's great. Makes me feel better knowing someone out there is thinking about me once in awhile and smiling.. *MUAH* love was redefined for me last year and it couldn't have come at a better time. it seems every year i grow stronger and change and flow and realize more about who i am and who i will be.

i don't believe a person stays the same throughout their whole life, they change, sure there's a base to start with.. but with every experience there comes change.. sometimes it's not so good.. i've see that.. and sometimes it's wonderful and that's great too.. hopefully in the end people realize what means the most to them and don't let it go.

life's short, we can't forget the past, ignore the future, or lose the present.. it's almost a war between time. but things work themselves out, they always do. just respect yourself, and the world around you... remember you're not the center of the universe, everythings a relationship.