Friday, September 24, 2004

my third home

so visiting brighton was like returning home.. it was strange, but great!!
now in ireland.. 45 seconds left of internet. *muah*!

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

baby steps

had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.

gotta take the baby steps..

mamman j'aimerais toujours.

your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love

you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
labor day

so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.

but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'

so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.

so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.

so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.

my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.

the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.

and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Why do Women Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

hope in the heart

hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.

hope in the heart again