Tuesday, September 23, 2003

stupid, smart people

So i've been applying to AmeriCorps Vista jobs lately and been getting numerous interview offers quickly. But of course, if you know what AmeriCorps is you'd kno they don't pay much and that it's basically like the national/state version of PeaceCorps. Which is cool with me, coz that's ultimately what I want to do. But my dad says it's perfect for people like me.. the smart, dumb people who will do a lot of work for basically no money. But it's okay, coz it's helping me realise what my focus is turning towards:

Community outreach, public service, national service, helping the people, doing programs, outreach, development, etc.

It's nice to have a direction in my life and feel that familiar feeling of confidence course through my veins in knowing that I'm going towards a goal that will fulfill my psychological and emotional needs.. however money as usual is always an issue. But I think after doing this AmeriCorps job (if I get one of them) it will definately open up doors to new places.

And hopefully give me ideas about what I want a masters in.. hehe.

Can't wait, sooo excited.. hope I get the one I want. *sigh*
Hope my mommy starts to get better too. :( ... ouch..
I hate it when my heart hurts like this.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

sorrow halved

they say happiness shared is happiness doubled and that sorrow shared is sorrow halved.. well i need to be majorly halving my sorrow. because my mom is sick, and i'm scared.. the worst case scenario is that we lose her. how do you deal with preparing for the worst? my dad wants us to talk this out, i don't want to talk it out, at least not with him or my brother for some reason. this has definitely put things in perspective for me. it's funny how we can go along with our lives and when something this drastic happens this quickly.. you find out what really matters to you will over power even the things your heart once desired.

i want to scream and kick and fight and cry and lose myself into something like stress or work or anything where i don't have to face this ache and uncertainty. i want someone to pick a physical fight with me because i want to blame someone and hit them and beat them into a pulp until all this frustration is gone.. and yet if i do i'd still feel guilty because i know they are not the reason for my anger and frustration. i want to cry, but i have to be strong for her and my family. i know they're there for me.. but i just don't want to talk to them about it.

it was a sudden onset and my mother's lungs seem to not be functioning well and her body is basically attacking itself. and there's nothing i can do, but be there to support her.
i look at her and i love her more than anything and if she was gone.. my very heart would break forever and there is nothing that could heal that heart ache. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that she recovers quickly.. but recovery seems slow.. if not uncertain as well. she seemed to be doing so well and she was scheduled to come home today.. on her birthday but i walked into the hospital room this morning and i knew that was not going to happen today.

so we wait and be there for her and hope that the chemo will start working and that she'll recover and be herself again. it's just hard knowing that this strong woman now hardly has the strength to even walk around her room without losing her breath. yet admist all this.. i selfishly want my life back, i want to be back in southern california doing my thing.. but i can't be. i'm angry, not at her or my family, but at the situation and as life likes to prove itself over and over again.. it's not fair.

all i have is hope.. and hope is so little in the face of such great hardship and it's hard to keep my mind on that goal. but i will carry that in my heart and pray that she gets better soon. i have to be strong for her..


je suis fatiguĂ© d'ĂȘtre fort

.. if i could ask that if you're spiritual in any way to send out a message and a thought for her. thank you..