Sunday, December 07, 2003

love.. or lack there of..

So, with my mom gone, I've come to realize there's a void in my life. Especially since I've had to move back up to Nor Cal. Don't get me wrong, I love Nor Cal because it's where I grew up. I love my friends that I've made here, they're great. But somehow, things just don't seem to be enough up here anymore. Hardly any of my friends are really around, most of them are seeing people, so it's even harder to get ahold of them and life just isn't the same anymore.

I miss So Cal, I miss having roommates and my own independence and place. I miss having guy friends around!! (Seriously, most of my high school friends are girls.. something you just want to 'dick' around and be stupid and guys are just better at that.. haha).

Anyway, I'm glad my friends have found 'love' in their lives, but I can't help but feel jealous too. They say it hits when you least expect it too.. well shit I'm in trouble then coz I want it and I can't get it out of my head. I read an article off MSN on speed dating which really amused me and then I decided what the heck, nothing to do go look at personals on craigslist. And as I got to reading them.. the lower and lower my confidence dropped.

Which brings me to what I've been thinking lately.. maybe I'm just not cute enough for the guys I want. I know that's stupid, soooo I'm NOT drop dead gorgeous, but hey I'm worth loving for sure!! I guess it's a lot easier to remind yourself of that when you've got lots of friends around to boost your ego for you. And I think without them, I'm having trouble. Especially with all that's happened to me.. I'm running low on love. I know I've got my dad and my brother, but it's not the same. Sometimes you just want to curl next to your friend and feel that love. I don't even know what I want anymore. I think about the qualities I want in a man and it just gets all muddled and confusing because I'm never going to find that!

I'm stuck in a rut and I hate it, but there's really no way out of it. I don't trust random people I meet and let's face it, I'm really not going to meet anyone through my friends at this rate. So basically?.. I just frustrated and annoyed.

I really did have it easy, I had a family who loved me, both my parents, loads of friends around - and now? It just feels like I've been left with next to nothing. My dad is in some ways a 'broken' man without my mother, my brother seems to be bottling things up.. and me? Well.. everyone tells me I'm strong and you know what, I WANT to fall apart and scream and kick and fight and blame someone for all this shit that's happening to me. I want to GIVE UP. I know I'm not without love.. my brain tells me and part of my heart knows.. but it's still really hard coz I just can't feel it anymore.

All I know is that I have this void, and something had better help me fill it.. I can't be this strong forever.

Thursday, October 30, 2003


i'm done. this is it. no more. my heart just won't take it, it can't take it. that's three people in less than a fucking year. THREE loved ones. my grandfather last december, then my mother in october and not even a month past and my grandmother passes away too. is this some kind of sick joke.. it's almost funny.


ask me if i'm alright. i'm not, how could i be. devastated isn't even a word that means anything. it's not enough. anguish is not enough. grief is not enough. none of it is enough.

i'm done. i'm over.

i'm fine.

Wednesday, October 29, 2003


Tuesday, October 07, 2003


I didn't think it would actually happen that she would go. I thought the specialists at Stanford would find some miracle to save her life. And although they kept telling me the chances were slim, I kept thinking God would bring a miracle and bring her back to us. The day before she passed away my dad said the docs said she might not make it through the night. I hurried to the hospital and sat by her and with my family and friends and we left that night seeing her oxygen levels at low 90s. That's great I thought, she's fighting, she still has a chance! God can still give us that miracle!

Then the next morning my dad wakes me up and says O2 levels dropped to 40%.. she might go soon. I sat in the car stunned as my father had a burst of emotion and then calmed to continue driving to the hospital. Sixty percent is when brain damage occurs.. she had been at 40 for at least and hour and when we got there she was at 55 for a good two hours which later went up to 60 something. But it was too late.. I knew she wasn't going to make it, and even if she did.. she wouldn't be the same woman. She had made it clear to us repeatedly and to our family members that should she ever need to go on machines to let her go. She couldn't bear "living" like that.

Our family made the hardest decision of our lives.. the choices from the doctor 1) keep her on the machines for the next two days and let her die on the machines or 2) slowly take her off the meds (other than sedation to keep her comfortable) and let her pass peacefully. She wasn't coming back he said. We didn't let her suffer.. but up until the point of her last breath I kept hoping.. until I looked up and saw the machines registering no oxygen, no heart beat, and no brain function. The doctors had given her paralysis drugs so the machine cld help her breath better.. they let the drug wear off.. but she had regressed so much that she never started breathing on her own.. as soon as the machine slowed down she went on peacefully.

This is the hard part now.. the reality of what's gone from my life. My best friend and the only person in this world who knew me better than myself. It hurts to know she will never physically be with me in the next steps of my life, although I will forever hear her voice and feel her love. It hurts more to see the people who she touched, from those who've pratically known her all her life to those she had brief encounters with. It hurts the most to see my father lose his soul mate and for the first time look lost. But I thank the Lord for all the love he has surrounded us with, for the family and friends who share our burden and most of her for the time we had with my mother. It is her love that will keep us safe and heal our wounds in time and make us better and strong enough to continue our lives without her physical presence.

Mom, I know you can hear me and know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I will never stop loving you and that my world has forever changed from your presence and your absence. I will miss you always and love you always.

Thursday, October 02, 2003

i need your help

It's October and you can definitely feel it up here in Nor Cal. And my life in the last two weeks have been flipped upside down tremendously.. it went from having to give up a job to giving up my place in So Cal and moving back up here to my mom going to the hospital and then suddenly in the last three days - to her being in the hospital under heavy sedation and on machines helping her breath. I'm so scared we're going to lose her soon and the doctors aren't sure how long she's got left and she's not even conscious because she'll fight the tubes in her throat helping her breath if she's awake. They transfered her through helicopter to Stanford hospital yesterday and I pray the specialists there will be able to help her.

If any blog readers of mine know my mom, she's a really wonderful and caring person who's given so much to her family and more if that's possible. She is our reason for living and so selflessly gave everything to us and took less for herself. If you believe in a higher being send up prayers for her please, chants if your buddhist, and positive thoughts if nothing else.


ps. don't send flowers coz she can't be anywhere near them. cards are okay and if you wanna reach me, leave a message on the 'spill it' link.

Tuesday, September 23, 2003

stupid, smart people

So i've been applying to AmeriCorps Vista jobs lately and been getting numerous interview offers quickly. But of course, if you know what AmeriCorps is you'd kno they don't pay much and that it's basically like the national/state version of PeaceCorps. Which is cool with me, coz that's ultimately what I want to do. But my dad says it's perfect for people like me.. the smart, dumb people who will do a lot of work for basically no money. But it's okay, coz it's helping me realise what my focus is turning towards:

Community outreach, public service, national service, helping the people, doing programs, outreach, development, etc.

It's nice to have a direction in my life and feel that familiar feeling of confidence course through my veins in knowing that I'm going towards a goal that will fulfill my psychological and emotional needs.. however money as usual is always an issue. But I think after doing this AmeriCorps job (if I get one of them) it will definately open up doors to new places.

And hopefully give me ideas about what I want a masters in.. hehe.

Can't wait, sooo excited.. hope I get the one I want. *sigh*
Hope my mommy starts to get better too. :( ... ouch..
I hate it when my heart hurts like this.

Saturday, September 13, 2003

sorrow halved

they say happiness shared is happiness doubled and that sorrow shared is sorrow halved.. well i need to be majorly halving my sorrow. because my mom is sick, and i'm scared.. the worst case scenario is that we lose her. how do you deal with preparing for the worst? my dad wants us to talk this out, i don't want to talk it out, at least not with him or my brother for some reason. this has definitely put things in perspective for me. it's funny how we can go along with our lives and when something this drastic happens this quickly.. you find out what really matters to you will over power even the things your heart once desired.

i want to scream and kick and fight and cry and lose myself into something like stress or work or anything where i don't have to face this ache and uncertainty. i want someone to pick a physical fight with me because i want to blame someone and hit them and beat them into a pulp until all this frustration is gone.. and yet if i do i'd still feel guilty because i know they are not the reason for my anger and frustration. i want to cry, but i have to be strong for her and my family. i know they're there for me.. but i just don't want to talk to them about it.

it was a sudden onset and my mother's lungs seem to not be functioning well and her body is basically attacking itself. and there's nothing i can do, but be there to support her.
i look at her and i love her more than anything and if she was gone.. my very heart would break forever and there is nothing that could heal that heart ache. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that she recovers quickly.. but recovery seems slow.. if not uncertain as well. she seemed to be doing so well and she was scheduled to come home today.. on her birthday but i walked into the hospital room this morning and i knew that was not going to happen today.

so we wait and be there for her and hope that the chemo will start working and that she'll recover and be herself again. it's just hard knowing that this strong woman now hardly has the strength to even walk around her room without losing her breath. yet admist all this.. i selfishly want my life back, i want to be back in southern california doing my thing.. but i can't be. i'm angry, not at her or my family, but at the situation and as life likes to prove itself over and over again.. it's not fair.

all i have is hope.. and hope is so little in the face of such great hardship and it's hard to keep my mind on that goal. but i will carry that in my heart and pray that she gets better soon. i have to be strong for her..


je suis fatiguĂ© d'ĂȘtre fort

.. if i could ask that if you're spiritual in any way to send out a message and a thought for her. thank you..

Sunday, August 10, 2003

soon to be...

over: the internship, thank goodness! It's been a great experience I've learned a lot and it's the first internship I've walked away from really thinking it's helped me look forward to the future and possibly a career path of some sort. Not to mention I've met some really great peopl in my fellow interns and the intern coord/ admin asst.

23: it's august, I'm turning 23 in 14 days!! Scary... I still look like I'm 16. *sigh* I wish people would treat me as if I were older, I'd think I'd start acting older.

fall: it's been soo hot lately, haven't gotten to see the OC beaches yet :(

home: yay get to see mommy, daddy, and jon. i miss them. i love them.

Friday, July 25, 2003

ha ha
I was cleaning out e-mails and came across this link my friend sent me.

Click the Ladder Theory

Friday, July 18, 2003

the right guys

So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.

Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003

Still looking..

Sunday, July 06, 2003

yay!.. boo!

So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...

yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it

boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon

July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.

Wednesday, July 02, 2003

The Office: part 1

So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.

yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.

Tuesday, July 01, 2003

stupid head

My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...

Tuesday, June 24, 2003


i feel like i don't quite belong here anymore and i'm not sure where i belong.

Monday, June 02, 2003


Seems that I've been more prone to stress and breaking down (meaning crying and a whole lot of frustration and anxiety overwhelming me psychologically and physically) lately and I couldn't really figure out why. Which is usually because I'll block what I can out so I don't have to feel bad feelings and therefore get on with my work. However there is a limit to everything and with the pressure of exams, trying to pass and graduate, dealing with leaving here and people here, things changing at home, finding a place to live, getting information and money moved around in the states while I'm in England, finding a job, did I mention revising for exams.. oh and exams.. and my future. So it has been realtively crazy up in my head over the last few weeks. But two days ago I got some of the best news I've ever heard! We got a house! A real house, not just a flat, a house in Huntington. I'm not sure what it looks like, but from the specs and my friends judgements it seems alright. Although my room apparently is really really tiny.. oh well I can deal with that, means less rent. And I don't have to worry about if I can get down there this summer or not. If I can, I will, if not then there will be someone living there already. So Phew.. it's nice to have a home to go back too. And now I just have to get past this last exam and I'll be okay. Then all that stands in the way really is my future.. hahaha.. finding a job or internship or just figuring out what I want to do with my life and then saying good bye.

I hate good byes
I'm lousy at them
I will hold back if i can and deny feelings so I don't have to feel anything
But I may cry
The words will escape me as to what to say
I'll cry
Hug them and walk away
and when I do I'll start bottling it all up again
Until I'm alone
Then I'll cry again
Good byes suck..
It's not even a see you later, I'll try to make a trip out once every few months..
It's more like a e-mail me coz I don't know when I'm going to see you again
Although if I have my way, it'll be next spring. :)

Saturday, May 24, 2003

revision sucks

I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.

funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence

Friday, May 23, 2003


I really don't like going to bed lately, I don't like that bit before you fall asleep and it drives me crazy. Because I know exactly how much my mind is holding back and how much I just don't want to deal with it right now. Especially with exams coming up and trying to figure out my 'future' where I want to be and the people in my life seeming to scatter all over the place. I know that when I go home things will be the same and yet completely different at the same time. It scares me. I had this conversation with Theo today and he thinks I'm scared of everything and I realised I do get scared about a lot of things. It's not necessarily a big fear, but when I'm uncomfortable it's almost always associated with fear. I think I've built this thing up inside of me where if I'm not comfortable I get all weirded out and I don't like it. I remember too easily how little confidence I had before and what that felt like, that dark period of my life where everything would make me worry and just generally made me feel like shit. I don't want to remember it. But this uncertainty that lies before me is bringing that shit back up. But at the same time I know I'm different now I'm stronger and wiser.. but sometimes you just get tired.

Friday, May 16, 2003

sometimes the loneliest time is that bit where you're all tucked into bed and right before you fall asleep...

Thursday, May 15, 2003


I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..

Tuesday, May 13, 2003


OOO I just found out I can change the time on my blog so it accurately reflects the English hour.. too bad I've only got a month left here.

OOO I just found out my friend Kris was a spelling bee champ in 3rd grade!!

oh dissertations.. how i do i love thee.. let me count the ways

Monday 5pm is the deadline to finish these suckers... I'm so tired of writing them and I'm tired of planning them and I should have gone to see my tutor today and gotten some advice on how to set this second one up.. but no I didn't. Instead I spent form 12pm to 5 pm, trying to cut 2,200 words out of my first dissertation! You think going over the word limit would be a good thing, but noooo it's a lot harder to cut out words than it is to add words I think. Luckily Mr. Barden saved me by not only reading through my 25 page paper, but showing me 'AutoSummarize' in MS word.. this little miracle tool goes through your essay and can highlight what it think it important and what you can cut out.. depending on how much of the original text you want to keep. It can do a few other nifty things as well..

anyway better get cracking faster on my second one.. capitalism and patriarchy: cycle of oppression woo hoo! at least I got the title down.

BTW: Guess who's seeing Matrix on May 21st at 8:30.. first showing in Brighton, England!!! Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Kristine and Matt and Peter and Hailin..

Saturday, May 10, 2003

where do i go?

just when i think i've found myself and i knew what i wanted to do with my life i've gotten lost again. it always feels like i know who i am at one point, but then the next thing you know.. poof you find yourself in a place where everything is uncertain and it's like you're walking in this thick fog where you can hear familiar voices but you're just not sure which direction to head in...

going home is going to be strange, things definitely aren't going to be the same because i've changed. just becoming more politically aware has created this thirst in me to want to read hoards and hoards of books about what's going on in the middle east and the history that led up to it, what's going on in africa because no one seems to care and especially about the US. i took AP US History in high school but honestly i can't remember very much from it, except for the major events, but my dates are all screwy if i know any of the dates at all

and with all that is going on in the world it seems like sitting at home in a 9 to 5 job where i'm doing nothing to try and help seems like such a waste. it's not the 9 to 5 part that bothers me, it's the feeling like i'm doing this job for selfish reason and only money that bothers me. i have all these big plans where i would love to work for an NGO or some international organisation where i can be helping people become more self-subsistent. the peace corps is starting to sound like a good idea as a starting point, but i'm still not even sure about that

i know i have to start from the bottom no matter what and to become a major part of an international organisation you'd need a PhD.. or at least a masters.. looks like more schooling might be in my future. as for right now, i'm not sure what to do.. i can go into human resources, but i feel that taking that path won't take me to where i want to be in life. perhaps public relations or maybe a masters in public health... well we will see i better start doing some research on this stuff as well...

that's the other problem, can't really do all the reading about stuff i'm interested in coz of my papers and exams.. not that it's not interesting.. it is.. it would just be more interesting if i didn't have to do it for a dissertation or exam.. haha... funny how if it's work no matter how interested i am in a topic i still want to procrastinate doing it.. damn psyche.

Saturday, May 03, 2003

Celebrating.. quietly...


now i have to start on the next one...

Friday, May 02, 2003

Going nowhere

Day after day it's the same thing.. dissertation work dissertation work.. and actually paid work coz I just got a job!! Yay about that one. But damn.. I feel like no matter what I do I'm never really going to understand all this ideology and Marx and everything and I really want to! But damn.. trying to define a Marxist theory of imperialism for today's modern society is not freaking easy.. not to mention I haven't even started the second dissertation on capitalism and patriarchy! I have no idea where I'm going with that one. Sometimes this stress is too much and instead of being productive I just want to run away and not face it.

There's this time.. right before I got to bed every night where I start to get anxious. Although I may be completely exhausted I don't want to go to bed.. because I'm afraid of something. Not sure what. Maybe I'm scared to face the growing pile of responsibility that I'll have to face when I wake up, maybe I'm afraid of that period of time because when I lay down I'm going to start thinking I can't jsut fall asleep immediately and then I know I'll dream those things.

I feel like I'm being pulled backwards and forwards and my life is just one big confusing ball of emotion.. coz that's me.. a big fat lame emotion ball sometimes.. all the time haha.. give me some denial privleges please! I want to say what's on my mind completely truthfully to everyone.. but that's never going to happen. It's like a blog.. you'll let some things out but you've still got your skeletons or just those little things you're afraid someone's going to hurt you with tucked away in a little chest because you're afraid of yourself.

Hmm... I think that was a few too many thoughts in one paragraph.. oh well.. Marxy poo here I come again!

Wednesday, April 23, 2003


Yeah.. term's started, classes begin tomorrow.. 2 6,000 word dissertations due May 19th and then two unseen exams on classes that I took in freaking Autumn/Fall term/quarter!! I forgot what it's like to take tests and exams and do loooong papers. I had 5 weeks for Easter break and I was supposed to do work on my dissertations towards the end of it. I even came home early to get started.. but did I? Hahah! No way, I spent the time watching movies, eating, sitting on Brighton beach b/c it was 23 degrees Celsius.. so what.. about 75 F, went to town and wandered around, went shopping.. read about 10 pages total in two weeks. Finally I sat myself down and did 500 words in a few hours and then today came to the library, where I currently am and did 2,000 words! Whoo hoo. Feeling like more weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I've realized that he more stressed out I get, the more little itty bitty things, the bad things, and the sad things get to me in life. I should go work out or something.. too bad the gym's so freaking far and costs money to go to. Hmm maybe I'll look into a pilates class. Or just go for more walks. hehe. Okay back to my paper.

Tuesday, April 15, 2003

D-Day: June 18th


Lazy Ass

That's me.. one giant lazy ass. I seriously have been doing nothing but laying around all day watching movies I get from the library or off my friend's computer. Sad. I should go out there and do something with myself.. actually I should start reading more for my dissertations. It always seems easier to read for my dissertations when I'm not home and on a train traveling somewhere or in a hostel with a 12am curfew.. haha. Maybe I should plan a trip somewhere in England that's far away by train, so I can study and get some work done and then see a bit more of England. Hehe.. well we'll see. Although I should do this soon. Maybe Dustin wouldn't mind having me around for a bit. I think I'll give him a call.. someone's gotta save me from this boredom and myself.

Saturday, April 12, 2003


It started out with dry eyes and a slight irritation w/ having my contacts in, so I started taking them out. In went the plunger cuz I was lazy and out came the left contact, safely packed it away in solution in the case. Then the right eye... suddenly because the contact was so dry it slips off the plunger and falls, bouncing into the drain.. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looking with my specs on and can't spot it. Grab my flashlight in the hope that maybe it's still there somewhere.. gotcha! Hanging on a cliff ledge of metal underneath the strainer of the sink. Ungh, can't get the strainer off.. well.. what now? Bubble gum? Tape? Nope.. blue tack and a chopstick.. after some difficult manuevering and scraping the side of the pipe which I've realized is disgusting! Brown gunk all over.. Anyway I finally manage to get it to stick and only problem is my hand shakes.. so I clamp the chopstick in my mouth to help keep it steady, holding the flashlight w/ my left hand and manuevering the chopstick w/ my right I pull it out to freedom. Covered in a bit of gunk, washed off and checked, it's fine and now safely away in its case. Yay!!

I'm pathetic and lazy!

How sad.. I'm sooo bored and lazy, I've read a total of 6 pages today and took notes on it and watched movies through the blurry and fuzziness of static on the TV from lack of reception. And that is seriously all I can really remember doing, besides going to the store and purchasing food and a newspaper. So I read a bit of that and cooked food today. Sometimes i wonder what the heck I'm doing and how sad and pathetic I am.. especially when I start analyzing the thoughts that will run through my head sometimes.

Maybe i'm just crazy... and not actually pathetic and lazy..

OMG.. i'm in such a strange mood right now.. must be the lemon and ginger tea.. it made me light headed earlier and now this.. I could ramble some more, but I'll probably just scare people. haha. ok..

Friday, April 11, 2003

Motivation where are you?!

Two dissertations due May 19th, 6,000 words each (21 pages each) and two exams, which isn't nearly as bad as what some of my friends got. But damn.. I'm so over school!! I totally don't want to write these stupid papers. I just want to read for fun, this stuff is interesting to read on it's own, but I keep thinking about my papers and how I'm going to shove this information in. Although I suppose that's good, because it's making me think about this reading critically. Haha.. I'm turning into a nerd! Yay! Anyway, doesn't help that I've got my housemates TV and VCR in my room.. and that the library has a large selection of films to check out for free.. Last night it was A Hard Day's Night and The Picture of Dorian Gray (going to kill Theo for telling me to read the book.. since I couldn't get the book I got the movie and it's creeepy! and I'm all alone in the house!). So I got Eat Drink Man Woman, The Wedding Banquet, and Roman Holiday.. happy movies for tonite. whoo hoo. Suppose I should get a bit more work done before I leave the library.

As for the rest of my life, I've realized I've gotten more sensitive and emotional or something over the past few months.. and I don't like it. It's as if I feel more vulnerable for some reason and not really safe. It's a yucky feeling. Anyway, gonna read a bit more and then head home for some lunch.

Songs for the moment: India Arie- I Am Ready For Love and Avril Lavaigne - I'm With You

Thursday, April 10, 2003

Being me is just fine

We all get into those times when life seems so uncertain and scary and it feels like things are falling apart because there's nothing to hold onto. Well that's how I've been feeling for awhile now.. and going to Italy with my family wasn't helping. If you know me and my dad and our relationship... oi. Anyway, so my head's been one big mess lately about everything in my life. Nothing felt normal and although everyone said that when I came home it would all be the same I know it's not. Two of my closest friends are heading off to New York together to grad school (they're together) and another is going to Columbia for grad school to be closer to his girl friend. Another good friend migth be moving back down to San Diego and all my high school friends are pretty much up North. I've still got a few close by in the So Cal area if I move back down there which is what I want to do. But still.. nothing's the same you know?

But I got letters recently from a few of them and it's amazing what a letter can do... and a 'sunshine CD' that one of them made. It totally reminded me of who I have in my life and how incredible they are and how I am capable and worthy and wonderful and gosh darn it people like me!!! So yeah, defiantely got a bit of confidence back inside of me and it feels great. Life may be uncertain, but I'll find my way eventually.

Thank God for amazing, incredible, indescribable friends. *muah* Thank god for love.

Sunday, March 23, 2003

Mallorca and War! (although War could use a whole section on its own.)

Got back yesterday from Mallorca and it was absolutely beautiful. I left the country and it was cold and spent the week in the sunny Baleric Islands (part of Spain.. where Ibiza is). It wasn't that warm, but the last two days were nice enough to lay out and relax at the beach. We went shopping, walked around Palma, the capital and took a train ride to Soller and visited the small town of Valldemosa. Absolutely beautiful. I want to go back again some day and maybe party it up. All that were around were old German people and a lot of German speaking cyclers training for some bike marathon or something. Some 20 year old Austrian bloke just came up to us and started chatting with us. Me and Joy got hit on at the beach by some 15 year old Spanish blokes asking if we were going to 'fiesta' that night. But being the old fogies that we are we watched a bunch of German TV and tried to decipher the news in French, Spanish and German ( I swear it seems like the island isn't even Spanish!) and went to bed early.

It's crazy to imagine that I was laying at the beach and there was a war going on about 2,000 miles to my East.. scary. Felt a bit guilty about the fact that I was safe and sound and at the beach while people were being blitzed and hurt and killed. I could go on and on about how I feel about this war, but after having talked about it with my dad (mr. devil's advocate himself.. frustrating man that he is) and having a discussion with a pro-war ex-spopper of mine this morning, I don't really want to. I don't believe in it and everything I read in the newspaper makes me sadder and sadder at the state of our world and the American government. There seems to hardly be any humanity left in this world..

Monday, March 10, 2003

Just as I expected

I could have gone along just fine, not thought about it and would have gone home forgotten about it and have a great friendship with mr. man. But after the planting of hope by my housemates.. I actually got up enough guts to do something. Despite the fact that deep down in my gut I knew he didn't feel the same I JUST KNEW!! But when you've got three people in the house.. telling you you're wrong.. and giving you hope..making things uncertain, what are you going to do? So I wrote a letter (don't laugh.. please..) and Noelle delivered it (yeah I know childish in a way). And an hour later I got the resonse I knew was coming in the form of letter. Didn't feel the same way although I'm (list of good and flattering things.. wow.. am I really? awww how sweet). But we're gonna be friends still.. so as soon as I get over a bit of heart ache and this extreme embarrassment that I feel when I see him sometimes.. things will be all good. Although this does prove that I'm not completely off base.. not like I was about the last boy situation i was in way back when.. and that the masses may not necessarily be right. But it does make my life a bit more uneasy.. because then I haven no pattern to base the next situation on! Geez.. you think life could give me a break and not be so damn complicated and difficult and random! But then life would be boring..I suppose.

yay and boo all at the same time. life is definately bittersweet... maybe a bit more bitter.

Saturday, March 08, 2003


Okay, so it's gotten to the point where the internal dialogue inside my head is about to kill me. Well not kill me but it's straight up bugging me like crazy. I haven't had someone occupy my thoughts in quite awhile. I'm usually just chillin' doing my own thing, no real drama in my life. Except for the occasional minor stuff that's been going on I've been relatively happy. Enjoying my singleness and just enjoying being myself.. so what the heck! I get this wrench thrown into the works and I'm sure this boy is totally chill about the whole situation and doesn't even realize what's going on anyway. Which means he probably doesn't like me. But I can't help but wonder and this uncertainty is one of the most annoying things in my life right now.

I've always told others to take the chance when they could because you could pass on something great and it's better to know than not to know.. but now that I'm in this situation I don't know if I can swallow my own pill and take my own advice. The fear of losing a friend is so great inside me and I hate weirdness. But then again.. when have I ever really taken a chance in my life? Situations have happened in my life where I have reacted or where I've spoken without thinking. And so many times these days I want to just blurt something out and it's sitting there in my throat and sometimes in my mouth but never past my lips. I just don't know what to do. Am I mistaken to take fate into my own hands and see what becomes of things?

Being the me that I am.. I have this tendency to overnanalyze every little bit of information that passes through my senses. It feels like the signals aren't there and then they are and all of it is so mixed up! How annoying! I thought I could understand men.. I can't. Because everytime I think I've got them.. someone will come along and change everything all up! Will you guys just quit it! Thank you. Anyways.. thinking of saying something next Friday.. because then there's 5 weeks of Easter break, so if all goes to hell maybe 5 weeks will fix it.. yeah? I don't want to regret something in my life.. and I'm afraid I may actually be faced with one possible regret if I stay silent...

How scary.. to know that perhaps you have control over one possible regret in your life, which may not be a regret later in life.. but whatevers. We'll see.. next Friday.. if I've sorted out my head a bit more by then..or maybe not.

I hate how pathetic I can get sometimes.. damn it.. I am me and that's all I'll ever be.

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

For Grace..

Okay so I got all excited cuz I saw that I had a message and it was Grace telling me I don't update enough. So here's the update and it's all for her.. well dedicated to her anyway. haha. But let's see.. life is good. The weather is getting a bit warmer.. although this probably means tomorrow it'll snow now that I've said that. Scary that I consider 50 degrees F warm. As for the house, all is well if not great, been getting into more 'philosophical' conversations about love. Probably because I've been 'fancying' someone and so my housemates have been trying to get me to say something.. but being the scared ass I am.. I'll ALMOST get the nerve to do or say something and then back down and think.. WTF am I doing. But oh well.. maybe I will maybe I won't.. probably maybe I won't. Not sure if the feelings are reciprocal, my housemates say yes.. I'm not so sure.

Been getting back into the dark room and I love it.. well sometimes.. I've fucked up the last three rolls of negatives I've done and no idea why or what's going on. I think the developer is wack. So we'll see.. it's making me really sad that the negatives come out so shiet. Cuz it means I have to spend more time trying to fix the damn photo w/ filters and light and etc. My first roll came out great.. I'll scan ASAP and put up photos on the England -> my art page. Been painting too just for fun. And getting more invovled with anti-war stuff. So sad. Just trying to learn all I can about what's going on. Ignorance is unfortunately a disease that plagues a lot of Americans.

Guess that's all for now. Getting late should sleep soon.
Oh yeah and I'm online finally in my room!! Slow modem, but cheaper than phone calls.. Although I'm not a big fan of the computer anymore. I kinda like hearing poeple's voices more and there's more to life than internet. haha. Ciao!

Monday, February 10, 2003

Ewww.. I never learn

Okay so I went to watch a British film last night called 28 days later. It's a bit like Resident Evil, if you don't want to hear about the movie, skip the next bit.

So it's about this plague of Rage that is transmitted through blood, usually if an infected one bites you (they constantly have blood in the mouth) then you're infected in 10-20 seconds and you go around like a zombie eating people and killing things. Of course the plague was injected into some chimps by a lab and some animal rights activists let them out.. hahaha..

It was my first 'real' british film, not counting harry potter and lord of the rings, because those are really hollywood. the filming was really different and the way the script was written was really different. you'd get nothing out of Resident Evil but pure gore and zombies and scare scenes. You get all that, minus some of the gore, lots of blood and a lesson about the military, activists, human nature and etc.. weird. :)

anyways, yeah that's all. had a weird dream last night as i had to continually tell myself that it was okay, just a movie, everything is fine... and all the shadows in my room moved and i had to call Beat so he could make me feel better b/c last time we watched Resident Evil together i was messed up for days.. i never learn..

Sunday, February 09, 2003

I feel old.. sometimes

So of all the random things I did yesterday I went to a Sum 41 concert. They're a punk band from Canada. My friend Kristine had gotten tickets and she didn't have anyone to go with so I said I'd go. So we took off for London and had some yummy Tapa's at this place called La Tasca.. YUMMMMMMMMM I want some more paella right now. Anyway, after that we wandered around for a bit and got on the tube to get out to Wembley Arena. We follow the crowd of predominantly 13 year olds or even younger kids with their parents! And a few 16-18 year olds to this huge arena that's pretty much packed with people. So Kristine's a huge fan of Sum 41 and I've heard two of their songs before, but I managed to get into it and it was good times anyway. But Gawd.. if I didn't feel soooooooo old.. here we are (21 and 22), dressed in tank tops, a jumper, and a coat with our purses and 'regular' jeans.. in a crowd of 0-18 year olds with parents, who are wearing baggy, WIDE leg jeans with chains and straps all over the place and black hoodies and crazy tank tops.. haha.. I forgot what punk was like. It was cool.. interesting to see the punk world over in England since I've only been experiencing the hip hop stuff. Boy do I love hip hop. Punk is good.. but don't know if I'm digging the punk concert scene.

Two night before Sum 41, we went out for Hailin's 21st birthday! Happy Birthday Hailin. Had some chinese food, not as good as home, but good enough.. and some BOBA!! For the first time in god knows how long! It was sooooooooooooooooo good. Then we hopped over to the Event II and saw Cash Money, Rhazel and the Beatnuts.. awesome night. Unfortunately I had yoga earlier that day so I was utterly exhausted.. by the end of the night my mind was completely gone and my body pretty much dead tired. The next day was even stranger as I walked around not quite sure of what I was doing. It was the strangest feeling. Almost as if I was outside of my body, watching all the stuff go on.. or just deep inside my head looking out through my eyes. Everything seemed so far away... weird out of body experience.. or into body experience.

Other than that, life is really good right now. I'm totally enjoying England, weather is still a bit funky, but I love my housemates and we're having good times. As evident by the lack of postings I suppose. I just can't be asked to write much lately, or spend much time in the computer lab. Mostly because reading and studying and essays have me swamped with work.. ugh. It's my fifth year! You'd think I could relax.. but noooooo. Anyways, I better get some reading done for Monday or I'll feel lame in class not having anything to say.. there's only 6 people in my class! 6!! So i can't exactly sit there and not say anything.. well I could.. but I'd feel lame.. yeah I know I'm a nerd.

Friday, January 24, 2003

in limbo

You'd think that coming out to a whole different country and knowing that once I get home I have to enter the 'real' world would help clear up my mind as to what I want to do with me life. INSTEAD it only confuses me even more! Good grief! I knew I was going to meet new people and experience new things, but in my mind I knew that in 9 months I would be going home. I didn't think part of me would want to stay. Part of me wants to stay.. another year or something, I like it here. I have amazing people in my life that I would love to get to know better and there's this whole new opening up of ideas and thoughts and so much information to soak up. It's amazing how much thinking and change a person can go through by being 1/3 of the way around the world (did you know Japan, California, and England are the same distance apart from each other? more or less).

Getting actively involved in LIFE is wonderful. It's not to say I don't miss California and the sun and the beaches and my friends and family who know me inside and out. Because I do, I miss them like crazy and it didn't help that I was going to have to choose between Northern California and Southern California as a place to live. But chalk up one more choice.. Brighton. The other day Tilly and Noelle were telling me how they keep thinking of housing next year and who they want to live with and the one person they keep thinking of won't even be here anymore (it's me by the way.. haha). :( It makes me sooo sad, England's so far away from California. It seems no matter what happens at the end of this year, I'll be leaving someone and returning back to someone.. my whole life seems to be like that! A series of leaving and crying and loving and returning, but my heart has been split into so many pieces that are carried by people I love all over the world or even into the next (Grandpa I love you and think of you constantly).

Audrey Hepburn once said, "I was born with a terrible need for affection and a terrible need to give it."

Oh how funny life can be.

Friday, January 10, 2003

out of place

I suppose it's just one of those days, or maybe I say that to justify it to myself. But I'm sad today. I feel out of place in this country and in this school and with these people. There are so many cool people around me, in my house, and for some reason I feel like I can't get close to them. There is this wall, I don't know if it's mine or theirs or what. But something seems different. There is one guy in my house who I feel totally like myself around and completely comfortable with, although he's a little excitable at times and outta control, I don't have to try with him. Kristine, Peter (who's the guy I mentioned before) and I were kicking it in the house and talking last night when they mentioned that in my photos with Dustin I seemed to be all smiles and happy. But in pictures of me and my housemates, the ones caught off guard, sometimes I'm not smiling and look sad and lonely. I think its because with Peter and my American friends we have shared our lives with each other. I know about them and they know about me, but I don't really know that much about the other people in my house. Except for Theo maybe, he and I have had some really good converstions. But there are others whom I would LOVE to know better, but I'm not sure how to break through. I know how to make friends and how to trust and who to trust and how to read people back in the states. It's a place I understand and a place I grew up in, but England.. England is completely different.

any ideas? i'd love to hear them.. damn i'm missing my friends back home like crazy right now.

Wednesday, January 08, 2003

Bonne Annee *muah*

It's a new year. I made the resolution that upon my return to Sussex that I would try to act like myself more often. Too many times during the last term I would start to get uncomfortable and scared and the confidence in who I dropped. Although being sick right now it's helping a damn thing, so we'll see what happens. It's strange, I felt like coming back would change something in me, like a fresh start in some way. But it feels like things are ever just the same.. but not. We came back and in a sense picked up the university routine we had left behind, but something was slightly different. We now had a past with each other, a short one, but still we have shared experiences now. weird.. maybe it's just my aching sinuses making me feel funny.. hmm.. anyway back I suppose this is enough procrastinating. I was supposed to be reading the Communist Manifesto an hour ago.. haha..