Friday, October 06, 2006

Dear you,

I went to visit you on Wednesday, before I went to work. I went to a hula conference over the weekend and it was one of the most amazing experiences I've had in awhile. I got to take workshops with some amazing kumu hula's and it moved me. One song in particular, Nani Ahiahi, it was the last workshop I did with all my hula sisters that were there. It was wonderful. I danced it for you when I went to visit, I hope you saw it. You know there's this moth (maybe it's you) that always, always shows up when I visit you by myself. It's the strangest thing.. I'm sure it's coincedence, but I'd like to think maybe it's a part of you. :)

I can't tell you how much I miss you lately. I just want to talk to you, hear your voice and your laugh. Know that I'll see you soon and feel your hug. But now it will be a long time before that happens, or at least I hope it will be.

I'm heading to Disneyland this weekend and you were supposed to join us. We were going to run amuck among the gay men, sporting our smart red shirts, drooling over guys we'll never have. Jen sent me an evite for a Tahoe trip, it falls on what would have been the 3rd Annual Tahoe trip, but I can't bring myself to plan it without you yet. Maybe next year.

Some days it feels okay, and some days I want to weep. I don't feel so sad about my mom anymore, I'm not sure if your passing helped me through it..I sometimes wonder if I'm still in shock, or if I really have reached an understanding with death. It's unavoidable, we can't predict it, we can barely expect it. It happens. I can feel sad and I can grieve and then I can still be okay. I can miss you both and love you both forever, but I don't have to always be sad doing it. Neither of you would want me doing that, grieving forever. Because I could be doing it for the rest of my life.

We'll all go one day. Until then I'll live my life as full as I can, remembering everything you both taught me and how much you loved me. Then I'll see you again.