Sunday, March 23, 2003

Mallorca and War! (although War could use a whole section on its own.)

Got back yesterday from Mallorca and it was absolutely beautiful. I left the country and it was cold and spent the week in the sunny Baleric Islands (part of Spain.. where Ibiza is). It wasn't that warm, but the last two days were nice enough to lay out and relax at the beach. We went shopping, walked around Palma, the capital and took a train ride to Soller and visited the small town of Valldemosa. Absolutely beautiful. I want to go back again some day and maybe party it up. All that were around were old German people and a lot of German speaking cyclers training for some bike marathon or something. Some 20 year old Austrian bloke just came up to us and started chatting with us. Me and Joy got hit on at the beach by some 15 year old Spanish blokes asking if we were going to 'fiesta' that night. But being the old fogies that we are we watched a bunch of German TV and tried to decipher the news in French, Spanish and German ( I swear it seems like the island isn't even Spanish!) and went to bed early.

It's crazy to imagine that I was laying at the beach and there was a war going on about 2,000 miles to my East.. scary. Felt a bit guilty about the fact that I was safe and sound and at the beach while people were being blitzed and hurt and killed. I could go on and on about how I feel about this war, but after having talked about it with my dad (mr. devil's advocate himself.. frustrating man that he is) and having a discussion with a pro-war ex-spopper of mine this morning, I don't really want to. I don't believe in it and everything I read in the newspaper makes me sadder and sadder at the state of our world and the American government. There seems to hardly be any humanity left in this world..

Monday, March 10, 2003

Just as I expected

I could have gone along just fine, not thought about it and would have gone home forgotten about it and have a great friendship with mr. man. But after the planting of hope by my housemates.. I actually got up enough guts to do something. Despite the fact that deep down in my gut I knew he didn't feel the same I JUST KNEW!! But when you've got three people in the house.. telling you you're wrong.. and giving you hope..making things uncertain, what are you going to do? So I wrote a letter (don't laugh.. please..) and Noelle delivered it (yeah I know childish in a way). And an hour later I got the resonse I knew was coming in the form of letter. Didn't feel the same way although I'm (list of good and flattering things.. wow.. am I really? awww how sweet). But we're gonna be friends still.. so as soon as I get over a bit of heart ache and this extreme embarrassment that I feel when I see him sometimes.. things will be all good. Although this does prove that I'm not completely off base.. not like I was about the last boy situation i was in way back when.. and that the masses may not necessarily be right. But it does make my life a bit more uneasy.. because then I haven no pattern to base the next situation on! Geez.. you think life could give me a break and not be so damn complicated and difficult and random! But then life would be boring..I suppose.

yay and boo all at the same time. life is definately bittersweet... maybe a bit more bitter.

Saturday, March 08, 2003


Okay, so it's gotten to the point where the internal dialogue inside my head is about to kill me. Well not kill me but it's straight up bugging me like crazy. I haven't had someone occupy my thoughts in quite awhile. I'm usually just chillin' doing my own thing, no real drama in my life. Except for the occasional minor stuff that's been going on I've been relatively happy. Enjoying my singleness and just enjoying being myself.. so what the heck! I get this wrench thrown into the works and I'm sure this boy is totally chill about the whole situation and doesn't even realize what's going on anyway. Which means he probably doesn't like me. But I can't help but wonder and this uncertainty is one of the most annoying things in my life right now.

I've always told others to take the chance when they could because you could pass on something great and it's better to know than not to know.. but now that I'm in this situation I don't know if I can swallow my own pill and take my own advice. The fear of losing a friend is so great inside me and I hate weirdness. But then again.. when have I ever really taken a chance in my life? Situations have happened in my life where I have reacted or where I've spoken without thinking. And so many times these days I want to just blurt something out and it's sitting there in my throat and sometimes in my mouth but never past my lips. I just don't know what to do. Am I mistaken to take fate into my own hands and see what becomes of things?

Being the me that I am.. I have this tendency to overnanalyze every little bit of information that passes through my senses. It feels like the signals aren't there and then they are and all of it is so mixed up! How annoying! I thought I could understand men.. I can't. Because everytime I think I've got them.. someone will come along and change everything all up! Will you guys just quit it! Thank you. Anyways.. thinking of saying something next Friday.. because then there's 5 weeks of Easter break, so if all goes to hell maybe 5 weeks will fix it.. yeah? I don't want to regret something in my life.. and I'm afraid I may actually be faced with one possible regret if I stay silent...

How scary.. to know that perhaps you have control over one possible regret in your life, which may not be a regret later in life.. but whatevers. We'll see.. next Friday.. if I've sorted out my head a bit more by then..or maybe not.

I hate how pathetic I can get sometimes.. damn it.. I am me and that's all I'll ever be.

Tuesday, March 04, 2003

For Grace..

Okay so I got all excited cuz I saw that I had a message and it was Grace telling me I don't update enough. So here's the update and it's all for her.. well dedicated to her anyway. haha. But let's see.. life is good. The weather is getting a bit warmer.. although this probably means tomorrow it'll snow now that I've said that. Scary that I consider 50 degrees F warm. As for the house, all is well if not great, been getting into more 'philosophical' conversations about love. Probably because I've been 'fancying' someone and so my housemates have been trying to get me to say something.. but being the scared ass I am.. I'll ALMOST get the nerve to do or say something and then back down and think.. WTF am I doing. But oh well.. maybe I will maybe I won't.. probably maybe I won't. Not sure if the feelings are reciprocal, my housemates say yes.. I'm not so sure.

Been getting back into the dark room and I love it.. well sometimes.. I've fucked up the last three rolls of negatives I've done and no idea why or what's going on. I think the developer is wack. So we'll see.. it's making me really sad that the negatives come out so shiet. Cuz it means I have to spend more time trying to fix the damn photo w/ filters and light and etc. My first roll came out great.. I'll scan ASAP and put up photos on the England -> my art page. Been painting too just for fun. And getting more invovled with anti-war stuff. So sad. Just trying to learn all I can about what's going on. Ignorance is unfortunately a disease that plagues a lot of Americans.

Guess that's all for now. Getting late should sleep soon.
Oh yeah and I'm online finally in my room!! Slow modem, but cheaper than phone calls.. Although I'm not a big fan of the computer anymore. I kinda like hearing poeple's voices more and there's more to life than internet. haha. Ciao!