Thursday, December 02, 2004

stuffy nose delirium

Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.

Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..

see.. there I go again, not making any sense.

Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.

First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?

Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).

Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.

Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.

My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.

Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.

Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..

Tuesday, October 19, 2004

working in the dark

I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.

Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.

Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.

So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.

Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)

I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

end of innocence

i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.

i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.

and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much

he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows

and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...

i wake up

Friday, September 24, 2004

my third home

so visiting brighton was like returning home.. it was strange, but great!!
now in ireland.. 45 seconds left of internet. *muah*!

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

baby steps

had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.

gotta take the baby steps..

mamman j'aimerais toujours.

your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love

you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
labor day

so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.

but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'

so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.

so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.

so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.

my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.

the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.

and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.

Saturday, September 04, 2004

Why do Women Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."

that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.

Wednesday, September 01, 2004

hope in the heart

hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.

hope in the heart again

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.

Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.

Wednesday, August 25, 2004

the best birfday ever!!

so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!

friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)

we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.

wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!

Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.

I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!

Sunday, August 15, 2004


so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..

i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.

sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.

but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.

doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..

that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?

there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.

mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.

Tuesday, August 10, 2004

lies 1.1

the heart will lie to protect itself, but it still makes it lie. reality sucks. caring about people hurts. i'm changing into a different person. i don't like it. i hope life will prove me wrong. because if it doesn't.. i'll never love again. then what's the point to living?

Friday, August 06, 2004

fevered wakefulness

i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.

being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.

but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.

if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.

i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.

just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.

Wednesday, August 04, 2004

i miss her

i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.

if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.

love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.

i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.

i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.

shhhh let it fade away.
a faint memory

why are you mad?

because you're not listening to me.

I am listening, you're not hearing me.

okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?

I love you.

you do? what kind of love is that?

I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.

how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.

"i love you"

"i know"

"no seriously, i love you"

"I know"

"no, I really LOVE you."

"I KNOW.. I love you too."

....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.

it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.

my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.

Tuesday, August 03, 2004

i was mistaken

I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.

I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.

I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.

i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.

This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths

Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness

When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received

i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.

the man laughed at me.

Friday, July 23, 2004


i know that i can love again, that i can find someone who will stir my heart, body, mind and soul. i just wish that person would show up soon.

Tuesday, July 13, 2004

the up part of the rollercoaster

my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.

i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.

i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.

i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.

Friday, July 02, 2004

i'm in love.. with love

.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.

i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.

maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...

anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.

my heart is breaking because i'm in love

..with the hope that love will heal me.

Thursday, June 03, 2004

a gazillion times worse..

you never know when a smell, a feeling, an image, a sight, a sound will remind you of her. it took me years to get over a broken heart and this is so much worse its indescribable pain that lies in the undercurrent of my soul and surfaces ever so often in the presence of some trigger..

and most times when it happens i'm alone which makes it worse..
i forget that there's love actually out there, that i'm thought of and loved..
because in that moment when i'm alone and it hits me that i will never hear her, never smell her, never see her again i fall

and i just wish someone was there to hug me so tight i can't breath so i don't have to feel the pain.. someone to tell me that everything will be alright one day..

you don't have to say anything just hold me tight.

Monday, April 26, 2004


how are you supposed to live when each day you know something is missing from your life and you know you will never forget that?

Thursday, April 22, 2004

social animals: part 1

I'm not awake yet, it's almost 9am. I'm at work and bored. I've checked practically every e-mail account I have.. and on that note.. that's scary that I have more than one. hehe. Anyway, so I came across this American Eagle Outfitters email I got. And it showed a picture of a bunch of young people dressed for summer laying out on blankets and it made me think about warm summer nights and warm bodies all snuggled next to each other on blankets and/or sand and I got all nostalgic.

Ahh those were the days, when you were out with friends and just chillin' and being near each other. There's something about being near people that just brings a sense of security and well-being. I don't know what it is, but I miss it. Terribly. Yet I know things will never go back to the way they were. Life for me it seems will always be bittersweet because part of it will always be missing.

.. maybe that's why I so ardently search for love, wanting to be filled up again.. complete.. but it scares me too.. that I may never find that. Or maybe it scares me more than when I do, this aching from my loss still won't go away..

Sunday, March 21, 2004

slight desperation or just PMS

So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.

I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.

A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.

but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.

I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.

When is it going to be too late?

Monday, March 08, 2004


It's March already!! I can't believe it. I'm still itching to go snowboarding, it's so crazy. I never dreamed it would get to the day where I'd really really want to go snowboarding a lot more. I'm hoping we'll get one more good rain in so I can go enjoy the powder. I've still got two free tix to Heavenly that have to be used up by the end of this season.. soooo if anyone's interested ;) Let me know!

With this new weather feels like new beginnings.. although I kno this weather is not to last for very long. Just like new beginnings become the story. Anyways, I got promoted.. hooray for me! I'm so excited. I feel like fate is finally revealing a little bit more about my story to me. Although I'm still missing that love aspect, but anyone who knows me has already heard enough about that. I gripe and complain practically everyday.. so at this rate if the rule is that "it happens when you least expect it", it won't ever happen for me. I'm thinking about moving out. I miss my independence and my privacy, it's hard when you've had it for five years and then have to give it back or modify it. I kno.. I'm selfish.. so sue me.

I'm so tired of being the one to try and think of everyone and include everyone and not leave anyone out.. granted it's not like I've done that all the time. There have been times when I've left my own friends out and for that I'm truly sorry. They know who they are and I still love them all the same. I just want to know someone is thinking about me or have someone think about me for a change. And not because I ask them to.. just because they do.

Anyways, just like this random babble.. I'm sure the weather will soon change as will my moods.. oh damn it.

Tuesday, February 03, 2004

what it feels like...

Saturday, January 31, 2004

good days

I'm sure you've heard about those people who are sick or have a psychological disorder or something like that and they always say.. today's a good day or today's a bad day in relation to their 'illness'.

For me today was a good day.

I woke up feeling rested and took a nice long hot shower to wash last night's going out 'grime' off myself. Got dressed in my comfy clothes and took off to meet Jessica to feed the ducks at the park. (I never knew this.. but feeding ducks is actually extremely harmful to them.. we did it anyway, altho I'm never going to do it again. Feeding Water Fowl) It was really nice, Jess and I hung out a lot in middle school and I've known her all throughout high school. We kicked it in the same group of friends and I could always be super silly with her, it was great. We grew apart in college though and after my mom passed away we managed to reconnect. It was cool to just catch up while walking circles around the park and start rebuilding our friendship. Time has definitely changed the both of us and we see more eye to eye now.

I've noticed a lot of change in our high school friends over the years and it's strange to know that we probably all wouldn't be friends now if it hadn't been for our long history together. We're so different from one another, but it's great. I love how it's opening my eyes to see who they really are and it definitely makes me appreciate them way more than I ever have. I'm glad we have our childhood history to keep us together, because it makes them all the more special to me. I'm starting to see them through my 'college' eyes. The one that looks more critically at events and situations and sees the strength and compassion and wit that lives inside each of them. We've gone through a lot and I love learning what their opinions are of issues we never discussed in high school.

Fuzz has definitely been a strong support recently and I really love and appreciate the fact that he's like this big fuzzy bear that I can lean against when I'm lost. He's always willing to listen and he can definitely empathize with me. And then there's Jen, she always means well but lately I just haven't got the strength to deal with her iffyness and whining, but I still love her. She does the best she can to cheer me up and it's just nice to know that she's always there for me no matter what. And Jane, God I love that girl and I can't wait for her to come home!! It's been a long time and I miss having her around, she's just all around great and one of the few friends that understands a lot about the high school me. And then there's Virginia too, lately I've just come to appreciate her more and more. It all started with a snowboard trip to tahoe and it felt really comfortable to kick it w/ her and Loi and just have things feel normal. She's studying up in Vallejo so I don't see her much, but I think one of these weekends I'll hafta go up and see her just for fun.

Even with my ex I see new things in him that I had never noticed before and it makes me glad that we've managed to stay friends. Although for a long while it was rough for me and we actually didn't talk much at all in the last four and a half years, but with the past becoming a fading memory it's nice to be able to kick it with him once in awhile. He's one of the few whom I'm comfortable enough to be almost completely honest with. Some 'lies' still slip from my mouth to protect my own ego, altho i usually regret it later.

It's hard when you've trained yourself to protect your own heart that sometimes the truth becomes a half truth so you don't have to face pain.

I spent so much time running away from this place because it caused me so much pain and it was the greatest pain of all that brough me back. Perhaps this is my time to make it mine again, this is going to be difficult because my heart yearns to be away, off, it calls to the beach and the sun and So Cal and England, as much as it loves Nor Cal. Things have changed and it's hard to find rest, but I'm going to try.

Anyway today was a good day.

Saturday, January 24, 2004

the dark place

I've been there, that dark place where in the midst of people you feel completely alone and it seemed silly back then, but I grew out of it. I found confidence in myself and a niche where I flourished.. then my heart was broken (repeatedly) and I found myself slipping into that dark place again.. so easily over and over.. I began to wonder if perhaps one can never truly leave that darkness... and lo and behold I climbed out of it again.

I found love in my friends and joy in life and things were good. I was having fun and exploring the world and myself.. yet part of me still knew what alone was. I can't forget alone, it's like carrying a little bit of that darkness with me everywhere I go.. and along side of that darkness is my little ray of hope that someone will save me from all of this.

But then my world decided to come crashing down on me again, in a way I never realized was possibly. You never EVER truly understand someone's pain unless you experience what they've experienced. To imagine pain does not even come close to the actual slamming reality of it.

Anyway.. so I hadn't realized I was falling or losing control until these past two weeks. My defenses that I had put up around my mother's death were slowly crumbling, they were being chipped away and I was slowly losing it. Every little thing bothered me and I wanted to cry all the time and my whole life felt like ash.. it's the best way I can describe it.. ash. Last thursday the frustration of putting my roof rack on my car set me off and I snapped at a friend as she was drunkenly trying to console me.. which only further irritated me and for the first time I shouted the words out loud.. "she's dead and she isn't coming back." I had been bottling up this frustration and anger in me for so long. I remember standing in the hospital as we watched them turn the machines off.. a decision we made as a family.. and wanting to just SCREAM.. NO GOD DAMN IT, IT'S NOT FAIR, DON'T GO, COME BACK DON'T LEAVE US.. and just scream and scream and scream.. I never did.. I still haven't, it's too late for that now.

Then this past weekend everything just tipped over and out. I had gone up to Tahoe for a weekend and little things kept happening that just kept building on each other. I was already feeling vulnerable and then one of my friends wldn't drop a certain issue which added to my already delicate balance of things and then a certain situation including an ex caused a bit of pain to my already broken heart and then one night I have this wacked out dream which I won't describe, but made me feel like throwing up all day the next day.. and then we watch TV and in one show a guy's father ends up in a coma (which gets me thinking) and then the movie afterwards is She's All That, a story about a girl without a father who ends up finding love with a wonderful girl that helps fill the void her mother's passing left.. (hmm.... ).. and that was just it. I slipped into the back room barely holding it all together called my friend Dustin and let the dam break.

But then my ex's friend comes in the room and sees me crying and I think she tells him coz he ends up coming in and the tears are just flowing and all I can think about it how much it hurts without her.. the things I never got to say.. the last time I saw her awake.. the last words she heard me while conscious.. the decision we made to let her not suffer as her last wish was.. watching the doctors turn the machines down slowly.. the monitors levelling out and she was gone.. i watched her die... at the age of 23 I WATCHED her DIE.

It feels like someone had sucked all the life out of me and there's this void that just sits there, sometimes in the pit of my stomach and sometimes in my heart, but it's always there. I just need my heart to be safe right now and it's not and it feels like I carry an open wound around every day. I didn't realize what I had wanted was someone to just hold me while I cried and feel safe again. But the thing is, I've struggled my whole life to be strong, to never show weakness and crying... oh crying used to drive me crazy. There's only certain people I don't mind being weak around and many of them are scattered too far to be physically near me. Strangely enough the person who I long ago hated to be weak in front of the most was the person I was completely weak in front of this weekend... and it felt nice. I think I just needed someone to hold me while I cried, someone I felt safe with... but the hardest part is asking for that.

Monday, January 12, 2004

falling apart

People tell me they admire me for how strong I am being.

My Christian friends say 'God would not give you something he didn't believe you couldn't handle.'

A buddhist friend is supposed to send me materials and told me that chanting might help me find some peace.

Then why does it feel like I can barely hang on and hold up the walls that keep me sane.. the walls that help keep me moving forward. An action I took this weekend reminded me of how lonely I was. I remember from long ago what it was like to feel safe (or at least to think that I was safe) and how nice it felt to be physically near someone again, to be held. But I unknowingly unleashed upon myself a worse feeling. I was already feeling lonely.. but this was like a colorful reminder of what I haven't had in so long. And it doesn't help in this time of my life when it feels like no one is around. I know people say call if you need me.. but when I'm really in that low spot I want someone to find me.

I want someone to read that subtle, or sometimes not so subtle comment I make and just call or if they're in the area grab me and take me away from here.. even if it's only for an hour. This loneliness eats away at me.. it's like i'm standing at the edge of a cliff and the darkness looks so soft and quiet and peaceful below.

i want to fall apart.. into that soft darkness and know that someone below will catch me and that i can have a moments peace and that they'd watch over me.. just for a moment...

i want to fall apart.