i love the outdoors!

i see waves and i crave to surf them.  i see rocks and i itch to climb them.

the list

some friends of mine tell me i'm too picky, to forget about the list...

you know that list of qualities you'd love your ideal partner to have.  i happen to like my list and won't give up on it, because i also believe that once i find the right person the list won't really matter anymore.

chemistry can't be faked, if it's there it's there.  if it's not, move on.

if i weren't doing what i do now

i'd have a floral shop that was half a cafe that served teas, coffee, cheese, meats, crackers and other tiny snackable things.

sometimes i wonder what it would have been like, had she not passed away.  where my life would be right now.  at the same time, i am thankful for all the amazing people i have met because of where life has led me.

#oceanthoughts

i think i've spent my whole life sitting on beaches staring at the ocean feeling drawn to it not realizing i wanted to be in it and now that i am i never want to leave.

Paddling with someone who attracts you in some way 

is like feeling the poles of energy that govern the universe. 

                        - Everpaddle SUP

here comes that ___________ feeling....

one summer, out of the blue my heart jump started and i realized i had a crush!  reminded me of how long it had been since i had felt that way about anyone.  it also reminded me that i had forgotten how incredibly heart breaking it can be as well... but really the chance of having that up, makes the risk of down so worth it.

love is a verb

my friends and i were talking about love and how it's a verb, you do love.  you want to do things for people you love that you normally wouldn't for those you don't.  that's how you know you love someone and that's how you know they love you.

do more love, don't be afraid.

‎"Don't be reckless with other people's hearts, and don't put up with people who are reckless with yours." -- Kurt Vonnegut

a walk through the past

i took a walk last night through my past and found lost memories i wasn't sure i wanted back.  i was cleaning and discovered my old journals that spanned a lot of different heart aches.

it was funny because i had written down conversations i had had with these guys and my reactions and why it hurt, how it hurt, fake letters i had written to get it all out and as i read them i realized i didn't remember ANY of it.  not even an inkling, i laid there in bed reading, trying to drawn up any sort of memory about it and i could barely do it.  there were some that i can feel a faint wisp of, but it's like someone had gone in and wiped out a whole lot of it.

i wonder if it's time, or if it's the trauma from my mom's death and then later that of my best friend that i can't remember anymore.  i don't remember if my ex did anything for valentine's day, i can't remember if we even spent new year's together, although we must've had because we shared at least one in our relationship.

i read about such loneliness and pain and looking back down can't even bring back the memory of that feeling at the time.  part of me wants to burn these pieces of paper and just let them go to dust, and yet part of me is wondering if i should keep them and hold onto them, so i don't forget what i learned.

funny thing is, after reading it, i get this in my e-mail from the Daily Om:

Answers in History

You may be strongly drawn to your past today. A desire to learn more about yourself or a yearning for intuitive guidance may lie at the heart of your need to look backward. If you can engage in self-examination and reminisce about old memories, you may awaken long-buried pieces of your past that could help clarify your experiences in the present. By looking at the choices you have made throughout various periods of your life, you’ll likely gain insight into ways you can make your current reality more satisfying. If you have questions regarding the direction your life should take, your past may hold the answers. Looking through old photographs and journals may help you step into your memories. Our past is filled with experiences that we were meant to live and is the foundation upon which we’ve built today. 


Your history can be a wonderful guidebook for life. Your past can hold valuable insights about your future. Everything you have done and experienced has granted you a measure of wisdom, and analyzing your life up to this point can help you learn about yourself, your reactions, your predilections, and your needs. A situation from your past may closely mirror your current circumstances so that how you responded then may hold clues for which action may benefit you today. Looking at your past today could guide you smoothly toward your future.

lessons from the surf

"Surfing is such an amazing concept. You're taking on Nature with a little stick and saying, 'I'm gonna ride you!' And a lot of times Nature says, 'No you're not!' and crashes you to the bottom."

                                           --Jolene Blalock

I can't believe I didn't start surfing when I first lived in Orange County.  It was always something I wanted to learn but I didn't try until 12 years later.  I finally told myself when I turned 30 that I was going to stop talking about all the things I wanted to try and just go do them.  I took a surfing class and it was hard, incredibly hard, and then I started stand up paddling and caught my first wave and rode it out on my SUP board.

It was indescribable, the feeling that very first time, where it felt like everything came together, the water, the board, my body - my soul/mind/heart all at once.  I knew right there and then I would never stop surfing, ever.

While I love that quote above, for me it would read something more like this, "Surfing is such an amazing concept.  You're trying to work with nature and time it just right so that the water, your body and your mind all come together at the right time.  You have to be patient and go with the flow and never forget your place, because Nature will come along and put you there."

Being on the water has taught me to be patient again, to wait, watch and learn.  Bide my time until things are right and then go for it.  It's also taught me that no matter how many times I fall, I need to just pick myself back up and try again, and keep on trying until I get it.

The ocean has really become my sanctuary and the one place that can set everything going on wrong right in me emotionally.

"The cure for anything is salt water - sweat, tears, or the sea" - Isak Dinesen

hard to imagine sometimes

there are moments when i look at a sweet photo of a couple and i get this sudden fear that i will never have that.  where i can't even picture a shadow of a person to be with.  i know how to be single, i'm so good at it. too good at it.

it's really a fear that i won't find someone who will fit me as well as i see some of my friends fit together with their partners.