Tuesday, October 19, 2004

working in the dark

I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.

Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.

Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.

So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.

Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)

I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!

Thursday, October 14, 2004

end of innocence

i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.

i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.

and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much

he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows

and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...

i wake up