fevered wakefulness

i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.

being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.

but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.

if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.

i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.

just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.