firsts

so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..

i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.

sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.

but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.

doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..

that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?

there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.

mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.