i miss her

i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.

if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.

love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.

i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.

i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.

shhhh let it fade away.