lately some people have been telling me wise things, things I forget sometimes and should remember.

so this is so I don't forget:

1) "I know I can't change the world, but at least I can speak up for what I believe in." Thanks Daniel.

2) "Love shouldn't be work." Thanks Todd.

either way I'll probably forget when emotions start getting the best of me again, but hopefully a little voice will kick in and make me remember, emotions don't always make the best decisions in life.. unfortunately.. yet I wouldn't want to live without them. :) would you know what happiness was if you didn't know sadness?

okay so something weird is going on with my blogger and some posts ended up posting twice.. not sure why.

okay those of you who know me well know that i don't get angry often, and when i do not for very long..

BUT OH MY GOSH..

I can't stand it when people think I'm trying to be politically correct by not saying "that's so gay" or telling others not to say it.

SO DON'T FUCKING TELL ME I'M TRYING TO BE PC DAMMIT! it's not about that, how would you like it if someone used your race in a negative way, or your identity, or your name! It's about HURTING someone, about making them feel like shit, like their identity means nothing. think about if for a minute..

It's not about being PC anymore with me.. it's the fact that it hurts me, I may not be gay, lesbian, or bisexual.. but I have friends who are and I can understand how they hurt. I've felt hurt of a different kind which relates to someone badmouthing a part of who I am. Sure you may be "cool" with gay people, but if you still say it, you're telling other people it's okay to say it. Not everyone knows what you know. I understand that it's hard to judge when to draw the line, but damn.. remember a time someone hurt you by something they said.. it's the same thing. there's other slang to use out there, slang that doesn't require using someone's identity.

okay i'm done.. for now.

afterthought that become the forethought: mmm ramblings of the mind that come in a storm.. confusing perhaps to you.. to me it makes some sort of sense.. like an emotion, you can't explain it, it would only come out as jumble, mixed up phrases.. but you FEEL it..

anyway here goes:

jadeheart.. the name i so often use online, it came from my chinese name and developed into jadeheart.. but people often asked me why i was jaded so young. i used to deny that i was jaded.. but i came to the conclusion this weekend that i really am jaded in a way. not in all aspects of life, but the more i learn the more cynical i have become and the harder it becomes to just be 'nice' in this world. nothing is so nice anymore, nothing is so wonderful. there's pain and suffering all over the place and struggles taking place within everyone.

i knew a fairy tale was just that.. a tale, make believe.. but part of me wants to believe that some kind of fantasy still exists that there might be a bit of magic left in the world.. but everything i learn keeps denying it and showing me that perhaps the only magic one has is what we create on our own. but it's too much of a struggle.. to make magic on my own and no fun at that.. and i'm afraid if i keep looking for that dreamer with a little bit of magic to walk into my life it will never happen. i think it's time i came to grips with reality, but reality hurts and i want to turn back into that self centered fairy tale world. where i'm the princess and there's the prince and the world is right, where people love each other for who they are and there's no pain and struggle with society and what it wants us to do..

so i suppose my heart still believes there will be a bit of magic left in the world.. somewhere. i feel it every so often. but we still become selfish, in the fact that everything we do or anticipate is supposed to make our lives better somehow.. we forget the present.. and that's where i think the magic still may be..

so aptly named jadeheart.

i know i have so much, almost everything.. i'm safe, i have a loving family, loving friends, i'm so extremely lucky to not have to worry about my life, about food, or shelter or money. i know i can make it out there in the world "alone" if i had too.. i have been so blessed by everything and i know i take things for granted and i try to remind myself not too, everyday i know i should wake up happy just because i woke up in a warm bed.

i know there's something inside of me that doesn't trust guys, i'm not sure where it came from or how deep it runs.. i know i have been raised in a society where certain ideals are placed into my head.. i know that not everything is evil or bad.. i know that discrimination and oppression still exists.. i know the way i see things are always in conflict.. i know my identity is always changing and a struggle between emotional, physical, and psychological desires.. i know i want to cry, laugh, scream, fight, hit, make love to, fly, run, hug, hold, caress, love, hate, touch, kiss, etc.. the world, society, you, me, the earth, the sky, the water, the sun, moon, stars.. space.

i want to sit atop a cliff and touch the sky, kiss the stars, and weep upon the earth. i want to release my soul and let it fly above this earthly body.

i'm trapped, trying to make sense of myself and the world around me..

..trying to understand the thoughts that write lines into my hands..

..trying to understand the deep, complicated, simple meanings behind love and hate..

i miss you

okay so again i'm supposed to be doing my german politics paper... i have one paragraph.. the opening paragraph. all it's actually missing is the thesis.. ha! the most important part and i'm stalling. i don't know why, i like the class it's interesting. you wouldn't believe all the shit Germany has been through and the political drama its endured.. it's amazing! in such a short period of time that country has gone to hell and back and then through it all again. anyway, my teacher wants us to write about the unification of germany and the aftermath it has on a social group.. i was going to do blue-collar workers.. i actually did a whole page.. but i kept coming upon interesting stuff about women (which is what i originally wanted to write about, but couldn't find anything on in my textbooks.. but now i have) so i scrapped that one and started anew.. i can't believe it either.. i had a whole page on the other one done and now just a paragraph and i've been "working" on this for 2 hours. i don't have the motivation for it, i don't think i can finish it. but i have to.. damn it.and my coughing isn't helping and now i think my eyesite is going funny. *sigh* yeah i'm complaining again. i do a lot of it, i shouldn't.. i have so much.

i was all depressed last night, because i missed having someone in my life and i wanted to have someone hold me while i fell asleep in my freezing cold ass bed. but the more i thought about it (my whining) the more i realized how lucky i was.. i have a bed to sleep in and it happens to be a big one, with a fluffy down comforter, in a room that's all mine... in a flat (that's what an apartment in a two floored house is called) i share with three people who really really care about me in a house so close to the beach i hear it at night and wake up to it in the morning.. in that house is a garage housing a car my parents bought me (yes spoiled brat that i am) as an early graduation gift, a car that most people dream about having, a car that takes me to a university where i have more friends and fun times and i have the privilege of taking classes and earning a degree so that i can get a good job and earn a higher standard of living..

..suddenly my bed felt really warm and cozy as i fell asleep feeling safe..

then i woke up a few hours later and threw up cuz i was sick, but hey.. it's not so bad if that's the least of my worries :)

*sigh* it's 1:45 on a Saturday morning. I had no class on Friday, slept 12 hours, finally actually slept without coughing and waking myself up the whole time.. thanks for the Contact Beat it knocked me out. Got up, made some food was all ready to study, got food coma, took a nap from 2:45-4:45.. got up and did nothing. I was so lazy I can't believe it, but I couldn't focus on writing my two papers which are due Monday. All I did was whine (yes I know I'm whining now.. get over it) and bum around. oh well.. I'm sick.. I'm allowed it. :) I'll get the papers done, I'm sure of it, I usually do. That's what tomorrow nite and Sunday is for. Okay enough whining out of me.

The RA's are having a reunion tomorrow. I didn't realize how much I missed them and I missed having someone to talk to. It's like out of sight, out of mind.. sucks. It shouldn't be that way and I'm going to work harder to call them up just to talk. But sometimes my life feels so boring, but I miss them and their voices and their hugs. Especially the hugs :) and the way they made me smile just when I saw them. The amazing moments in life have to pass you by, but you'll always remember them, because they get you in the heart and soul and they won't leave. That's great. Makes me feel better knowing someone out there is thinking about me once in awhile and smiling.. *MUAH* love was redefined for me last year and it couldn't have come at a better time. it seems every year i grow stronger and change and flow and realize more about who i am and who i will be.

i don't believe a person stays the same throughout their whole life, they change, sure there's a base to start with.. but with every experience there comes change.. sometimes it's not so good.. i've see that.. and sometimes it's wonderful and that's great too.. hopefully in the end people realize what means the most to them and don't let it go.

life's short, we can't forget the past, ignore the future, or lose the present.. it's almost a war between time. but things work themselves out, they always do. just respect yourself, and the world around you... remember you're not the center of the universe, everythings a relationship.

mm ok, so i'm still at home. it was fun this time, things seem to be better on the home front, which is nice. i never realized how affected i was by how things are at home. but as most of you know if it isn't one thing it's another and i'm usually running off to somewhere for one reason or another.. haha.. makes me wonder where the hell i'm going to end up later in life, but hey i figure i'll eventually get to where i'm going. after all i'm smart and usually confident despite one identity discomforature or another.. mm that's it for now. got a bunch of thoughts lodged up in the brain, but they're not wanting to come out yet. so yeah

happy thanksgiving weekend everybody.

It's hard, to see what the media portrays to us. Then to see pictures such as these http://www.dqc.org/~ben/index.htm that show the cruelty of war. I'm taking a sociology class on collective behaviors and the social movments of the 60's and sort of sad to see the state of our society today. There no longer seems a need to anyone to fight for a cause anymore. There seems to be this lack of passion in the world, even in my part, because many of us have stopped caring.. or just don't have the energy to bring people out. I find myself riding the middle of the fence a lot, not really leaning one way or the other and it scares me to make a decision sometimes, because I don't feel like I know enough about what's going on. All I can offer you is what I do know and what I think now, but that may change later, so don't quote me on it as being a solid truth.

I believe in peace, I hate war and I don't think anyone wins a war but everyone loses. It seems to me an institution that continues to oppress people and keep the dominant culture dominant. Two dominant powers fighting each other with threats and words.. the actual blood shed and lives lost is done by the innocent people who don't often realize what exactly is going on. You stir up enough passion in a person and make them believe in something they'll go out and fight for it. But I think sometimes when you step back and see the whole picture and try to understand both sides, it takes away the passion and then like Eldridge Cleavers says in his book Soul on Ice "the war is only half hearted.. and who wants to fight a half hearted war".

sorry if these thoughts seem a bit scattered to you, I write them as they come, and sometimes the fingers aren't fast enough to catch them all. I'll fix it later.. maybe.

mind is swirling with thoughts once again..

"they" say be yourself, find your identity, realize who you are and embrace it, some say that your identity is always changing and should be because new information is acquired. how does identity come about anyway? is it already predetermined because of the way you were raised, where you grew up, who you've talked to?

it's insane, this idea of truly finding yourself.. you'll never find it, it's too deep.

all you can do is be it.

mood: feeling like a song.

Drive- Bic Runga

I know it's late now I know I
Ought to go
Ride in your car now
But please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy
Could
This be all a dream
Promise me
Maybes and say things
You don't mean
Rain fall from concrete colored skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Take me through make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Keep my heart turning on
Axles around you
Keep our love burning just
Like it used to do
Now just for us
They could
Play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss
All these
Things we can't undo
Let rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Speed me through
Make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive

..too late

i want to write and write and write, there's so much on my mind and then i sort of want to meditate to get this all out of my head or maybe vice versa.. i wish i could just concentrate on the now, the present and live in it.. but it seems like my mind only goes to the future. my parents complain that i tend to forget things and get distracted easily.. it's only because i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do, what i want to do, what they want me to do, that i stop looking at what's going on right now in the present.. i have this feeling i'm missing out on something.

so.. what's new in the life of vicki?

well mostly nothing.. been thinking a lot about the risks I take, the struggles or perhaps lack there of that i've been through, etc, etc.. the normally deep penetrating thoughts. I came across some things of my past and I read some of it again, it was scary that I had been in a place like that before and it makes me wonder if I could slip back into it sometimes... also been thinking about what I want to change about myself, how there are things about me I don't quite like, not so much physical anymore, more phsychological, spiritual, emotional... been thinking about how I'm single too, I should stop thinking about that..

I'm applying to go to England next year, to study there for a year, I think it will be good for me. I have this urge to travel now, I want to buy a backpack and go backpacking throughout Europe, learn to do things on my own.. grow up a little bit more. I moved from one bubble to another and sometimes don't feel like I have enough information to even be who I am or want to be.

so yeah.. that's what's new.

Sometimes it feels like people no longer do things for the fun of it, we're always so preoccupied with how something is going to benefit us, how it's going to help us and we keep concentrating on what we can learn or gain from it.. we stop becoming aware of what's around us. We don't see things for the pure beauty and experience of it anymore, there's always this cloud of "what can I take away from this" always in the air. True, you want to gain experience and learn things from everything you do, but I don't think it needs to be a constant thought in your head, because then you might miss something. Just take it for what it is, you'll learn either way and it will become a part of you.

So my new place is freaking awesome, I love it here. And my roommates.. omg.. make me laugh until it hurts and tears are coming out of my eyes. I hope it'll be fun like this all year long.. maybe not too fun.. I still need to study.. yay school!

Okay.. so it's been awhile since I've last posted. School's started, I've moved into my new place... BY THE BEACH!!! hehehe Okay I had to rub it in, it's beautiful here. Alrighty, gonna keep it short, until I have something good to write.

I used to sit and wonder
Would I ever be happy
Life was so bittersweet
So many disapointments
Too many ups and downs for me
When you live a nightmare
It's hard to dream

But sometimes life just isn't fair
So why complain nobody cares
And I don't wanna waste nobody's time
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Affraid of my reflection
Tell me that's not me I see
That's who I wanna be
Stuck somewhere in the middle
On half full or half empty
Waiting for somebody to come and rescue me

Can't let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
Only thing that does is bring me down
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Hurt so many times before
I use to cry but no more
Just let it go and life can feel
So good
Stop living that blues

Can't let that petty attitude
Start to jade my point of view
Only thing it does is bring me down
So I'm

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

I'm about to change my vibe
Today the sun's gonna shine
'cause I made up my mind
That today will be the start of better days
Leavin' old shit behind
And move on with my life
The blindfold's off my eyes
And now all I see for me is better days

Better Days-Janet Jackson

you know those trucks that carry the crates of chickens.. i was thinking, how they're all stacked up on top of each other in rows.. and how much it would suck to be the chickens on the very bottom.. because in a long truck ride you're gonna need to go to the bathroom sometime.

part of me wants to just ignore it, forget it, because it's so awful.. but I can't. It's there, it happened and I feel like I can see the explosion and the building collapse before my eyes.. imagining what it was like for the people dying. A complete act of hate and all I can do is pray, but it doesn't seem like it's enough. I keep going about my day and it will start to feel normal and then I remember, it won't ever be normal again. Once you feel something it's there forever, you can push it away and try to forget it, but it doesn't make it go away.. you felt it, now you know.

This will never go away. Remember it.

9/11/2001- Second Pearl Harbor they're calling it..they shouldn't.. remember what happened after the bombing? The racism brought forth against innocent people? It seems so surreal, like out of a movie. Suddenly the world doesn't seem so safe anymore, nothing does. Especially since we can't even put a face to the monsters who've done the bombing. All I can do it just sit here and go on with my day, seems kind of stupid, like I should be doing something else... still not quite sure what to do right now. >:| I hate feeling helpless.

I was reading my friends online diaries, and it's funny because when I read them I can hear their voices in my head. As if they were talking to me, I wonder if anyone hears my voice when reading mine.. or maybe I'm just one of those people who don't write like they talk.

STRENGTH- The state, property, or quality of being strong.

It's nice to know that you have friends who love you so much they'd do practically anything to make you happy and keep you safe.. and I can never thank them enough.

one minute you know exactly where you're going, what you're doing, and who you are.. and then suddenly someone or some thing could come in like a hurricane and blow you completely apart, and all you can do is just go back and pick up the pieces and maybe some new ones too to put yourself back together again.. but in the end you'll get there.

sanctuary- a place of refuge or asylum...

note to self: stop worrying so much.. and RELAX! try to enjoy life..

searching: a place where you feel like you're on top the world.. where it's just you and the sky and if you looked up it would seem as if the ground beneath you was gone. And for one brief moment, you feel like you're flying..

... still searching ...

I'm in Tahoe on family vacation and I'm online.. is that sad? Scary perhaps. All the conveniences of home, even the internet next to a gorgeous lake and beautiful trees. But anyway, it is beautiful up here and makes me feel so much more alive.. this place untouched and away from the rudeness of life you begin to see what really matters. Well it makes ME feel more reflective anyway.. haha I think too much as it is. But up here, I don't have to really think that much, everything seems clearer. And all you have to do is just enjoy what's there and not worry. It's like you're in a whole other world, the sky, the trees, the lake and you... no worries.

It's funny how a little note or phone call at the right time, from a friend can brighten your day.

There never seems to be moments rest with life, no moment of peace, because no matter what there's always something to be done, some thought in the mind. You might have a semblance of peace for a brief moment, but it's a lie.. because then life comes back and hits you in the face. But hey.. at least you get that one moment.

So I had one of the coolest birthday's ever yesterday!! :) 21 baby! yay! It's funny because when you turn 18, you sort of feel something, 19.. no.. 20.. no.. 21.. BAM! You're a legal adult! About the only thing you can't do is run for president. But hey.. clubs, bars, drinking, gambling, all legal now! Not that I do much of the last two anyway. My beginner's luck is pretty good, then it wears off.. and drinking, well that and my stomach just don't agree often if at all ever. So let me tell you about my day.. 12am First drink as a 21 year old, Sex on the Beach by the nice bar tender Sam at Gameworks. It would have been bought for me by my friend Hien, but Sam was nice enough to give it to me for free. Went home, slept, my boss called and cancelled work (yay!), my friend Priya calls all the way from Spain and wishes me a Happy Birthday! That definately was a highlight and made my day. Went shopping, found some cute shoes, had a yummy lunch bought at Superburger for me from my friend Beat. :) Went to the beach and just chilled with people I loved (not all could make it due to distance or other circumstances, but I still love you all anyway). Went to my friend's place and watched as my friends drank for me on my 21st..haha. it was great. Just to see people together and happy is freaking awesome. I love being 21! Thanks guys and gals!

I was thinking about the power of words spoken, rather than thought. Because once said outloud, it becomes so powerful. Because then words can be heard, but others and once they are heard, they cannot be taken back. Even if it's listening with your own years, to hear something said outloud makes it more real than a thought which may quickly slip away from your grasp.. anyway it was just a thought.. and now partially spoken.. think about it :)

Breathtaking.. I forgot what a star filled night looked like. Living in Southern California, the lights are usually to bright to see the stars at night. I went camping this weekend, and I remembered back in Senior year. My friends and I would just chill and look at the stars. It was amazing, a clear night and the dark midnight blue sky strewn with stars all across. I laid there for hours just staring, and watched shooting stars fall. So peaceful, so beautiful, I can't put into words the feeling I get just from looking at them. It makes me wonder what's out there.. the sky is so huge, and the universe so fast, are we truly the only ones out there...? To think.. most of the stars we see, are already dead and gone, but their light is still with us.

Anyway, I'm glad to have found stars again, I miss them.. if you know of a place near Irvine, where star gazing is good, let me know!

It's funny how big online diaries are getting. I hardly write in my journal anymore (the one that no one sees but me, the one that when I go back to reread turn red with embarrassement, shed a tear in sadness, and let out a laugh at something I had forgotten about, or even sometimes smile at when I remember a part of my life). Here we are sharing our feelings online instead. It makes me wonder who reads it and what's going through their minds?

They say writing is good for the soul, it lets things out so you don't keep it all bottled up. This is a nice way to do it, because you can bitch all you want about whatever it is you want and you know someone will see it. Someone will hear you and perhaps even understand the emotion you're feeling at that moment.. brief or as long as it may be. So thanks reader. :)

I miss you jen and jane!! :)

I helped my friend set up this romantic thing on the beach today for his girl friend's birthday and it just got me thinking.. damn.. no one's really ever done anything like that for me, the last sweet thing I remember is my friend giving me a dozen red roses and then asking me to prom (thanks bobby :) ). So me and my friends are running around setting up this blanket and rose petals and candles and etc etc... when we finally finish we step back and it's so beautiful that we want to barf cuz we're jealous as hell. but those two keep the hope alive that romanticism isn't dead.. haha.. but anyway I know guys do show that they care, just not always romantically, but sometimes it's nice.. so guys don't lose the romance, girls are still suckers for it.. well most of us... okay time to dash off and do something lazy now.

You know what I realized is kind of cool, when you're really hot and you hug someone and they have cold ears. :) yeah just an observation, I swear my thoughts do get deeper than this.. honestly.. just ask.

Feeling a bit homesick today, most likely because I actually have some real downtime right now where I'm not doing anything. Feels weird, I've always been busy, running around complaining that I don't get to rest.. and now that I do, I don't really like that either. :) So basically I'm a big whiner, who will never be happy. haha.. how every guy likes their girl to be. Speaking of guys.. (like how I transitioned into that?) what's with the ones who like to yell at girls on the street. It's really annoying and not very sexy, in fact it really makes a guy unattractive. I was boarding over to get some pearl milk tea (which I think I'm beginning to develop a distaste for.. too much of a good thing) when on my way there and on my way back, some guys scream at me, they don't even scream intelligible words, it's like this kind of "yeehaw" type of thing. So anyway I'm over it now, well until the next time some idiot decides to send out his mating call.

HERE'S TO THE NIGHT
Eve6

So denied so I lied are you the now or never kind
In a day and a day love I'm gonna be gone for good again
Are you willing to be had are you cool with just tonight
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

Put your name on the line along with place and time
Wanna stay not to go I wanna ditch the logical
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

All my time is froze in motion
Can't I stay an hour or two or more
Don't let me let you go
Here's a toast to all those who hear me all too well

Here's to the nights we felt alive
Here's to the tears you knew you'd cry
Here's to goodbye
Tomorrow's gonna come too soon

come dance with me

so..i'm back in Irvine :) It's weird how different places can make you feel something. When I went home it was weird and now that I'm down here again, it's still weird. I think part of it is the fact that I haven't had a permanant place to stay that lasted longer than a year. But yeah, back to the way places make you feel, I was home and it was funny how certain summer smells made me remember things from past summers and people and events. The smell of warm summer nights and with a slight breeze on your already warm skin and being with the same people from past summers.. but new ones too. It's like a whole time warp where different time periods come colliding into each other all at once. Only no one else feels it but you, because it's all in your own mind, your own perceptions of memories from before... kind of nice..when it's a happy memory, kind of scary too.. if the memory isn't a good one.

.........................soooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored................................ yes i'm whining. kinda mixed up not knowing what to do. *sigh* I need a hobby.. a cheap, fun one.

they say home is where the heart is... what do you do when pieces of your heart are all over the place right now?

It's funny, because I remember one time in my life when I had to say good bye to someone I loved.. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.. or how sad I was going to feel.. then I found out (obviously). And now having to say good bye one more time to people I love, this time more than just one, I know what it's going to feel like. And the feeling of impending sadness is almost just as bad, if not worse... heart wrenching.

I'm sick...I have one more final at 8.. starts at 8.. for some reason I thought I'd wake up at 8.. good thing I remembered right now.. Oi.. I've lost my mind too.. help!

I was reading an old AIM conversation I had saved awhile back, something my friend had said to me when I was really sad. And it was funny, because as I was reading it, I was imagining that the conversation had actually taken place with both of us in the room together, talking to each other. I could hear my friend's voice actually saying what was written and me replying back.. as if it were a movie playing in my head. But that conversation never actually happened, it was online, I couldn't see my friend's face or hear anything. Makes me wonder where the line between reality and this imaginary dream world of mine is drawn. This is what happens when you think too much.

I was walking back to my place today and I happened to be holding a clay cup in my head.. I guess it's clay. Anyway, I had this tremendous urge to just let it slip from my hands so that I could watch it shatter on the ground and heard the sound of it break. I had to fight the urge, because I really do like the cup and there didn't seem to be any rational reason for me to drop it. But yeah.. I really, really wanted too. :) I think the stress from finals and closing has gotten to me.. yay.

As it gets closer to the end of the school year, I always start to reflect, especially when my room is half empty and my walls once again bare like before. so these are my thoughts tonight:
..you know how people say that when you're in love you just know it.. you can't ask someone else what love is, you just feel it. I had be in love once before and had felt the pain from being hurt by it too, and had for awhile felt like I would never fall in love again (deep down inside you know you will, but it still hurts like you're never going to again for awhile).. then the most amazing thing happened, I fell in love this year, but not in the way one would normally think. I fell in love with a group of people. It was that indescribable feeling of joy at seeing a person and just being around them.. where they love you back so much that you start to see yourself through their eyes and you realize what a beautiful and wonderful person you are.. only I didn't realize it until now.. how much I love these people, needless to say it's not the same as the romantic/companionship love you'd feel with a significant other, but it runs parallel to it.. how often is it that you have a whole group of people who relate to you in some way, who feel things like you do and understand you when you don't even say a word.. it's amazing to be so loved like that and to love people like that.. sometimes I wish I could just touch someone to show them how I feel, if I could have this rush and of emotion shoot out of my fingertips to someone, so that they would know and how I feel about them, life would be great.. because no words could ever do justice to the describe love..now all I need to work on is realizing how much I love someone, without having to wait until good bye to realize it.. but it's not really good bye, it's more like a see you later.

It's weird, when life seems to be going really good and you're happy. I had forgotten what it was like to feel happy, it's nice. :) I like it. I suppose I should be happy more often, but it seems like I'm always so worried about one thing or another. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's kind of like this medium where you're just going, doing what you have to do. I got done what I wanted to do today, read a few chapters for my final on Tuesday, one more to go! Cleaned up my room, got most of it packed and moved over to where I'm staying this summer. Last week I figured out whether or not I was going to double major, I am, psychology and international studies. I'm almost done with the classes for my psychology major, it's weird being almost done. I'm a fourth year next year, I'll probably graduate in five. I want to study abroad so I'm working on that, it's exciting. I've made this list of things I want to do in life, before I enter the working world and become so busy I can't do them anymore. It's nice knowing what I want to do now and actually being able to go out and do them. It's no longer a "oh I want to.. but not right now.. NOW is the time." Can't wait any longer or else I'm out of time. Okay back to studying, maybe I can finish this chapter tonight.

after a few longs hours with bouts of studying in between, i've finally figured out how to get it to work and it all of a sudden seemed so silly that i was wasting so much time trying to figure stuff out.. yeah i know i'm not saying what it is, but oh well. you'd laugh. and all the my html-knowing buddies were no where to be found.. go figure. but anyway it's up and it's working, none of the links work yet.. they will. :) for now, this is it.. i really have to study.

so i'm starting a new design for my webpage.. and it's really rather frustrating.
but as frustrating as it is, i won't stop to study.. ha! oi.. i really should be studying right now.