i know i have so much, almost everything.. i'm safe, i have a loving family, loving friends, i'm so extremely lucky to not have to worry about my life, about food, or shelter or money. i know i can make it out there in the world "alone" if i had too.. i have been so blessed by everything and i know i take things for granted and i try to remind myself not too, everyday i know i should wake up happy just because i woke up in a warm bed.

i know there's something inside of me that doesn't trust guys, i'm not sure where it came from or how deep it runs.. i know i have been raised in a society where certain ideals are placed into my head.. i know that not everything is evil or bad.. i know that discrimination and oppression still exists.. i know the way i see things are always in conflict.. i know my identity is always changing and a struggle between emotional, physical, and psychological desires.. i know i want to cry, laugh, scream, fight, hit, make love to, fly, run, hug, hold, caress, love, hate, touch, kiss, etc.. the world, society, you, me, the earth, the sky, the water, the sun, moon, stars.. space.

i want to sit atop a cliff and touch the sky, kiss the stars, and weep upon the earth. i want to release my soul and let it fly above this earthly body.

i'm trapped, trying to make sense of myself and the world around me..

..trying to understand the thoughts that write lines into my hands..

..trying to understand the deep, complicated, simple meanings behind love and hate..