afterthought that become the forethought: mmm ramblings of the mind that come in a storm.. confusing perhaps to you.. to me it makes some sort of sense.. like an emotion, you can't explain it, it would only come out as jumble, mixed up phrases.. but you FEEL it..

anyway here goes:

jadeheart.. the name i so often use online, it came from my chinese name and developed into jadeheart.. but people often asked me why i was jaded so young. i used to deny that i was jaded.. but i came to the conclusion this weekend that i really am jaded in a way. not in all aspects of life, but the more i learn the more cynical i have become and the harder it becomes to just be 'nice' in this world. nothing is so nice anymore, nothing is so wonderful. there's pain and suffering all over the place and struggles taking place within everyone.

i knew a fairy tale was just that.. a tale, make believe.. but part of me wants to believe that some kind of fantasy still exists that there might be a bit of magic left in the world.. but everything i learn keeps denying it and showing me that perhaps the only magic one has is what we create on our own. but it's too much of a struggle.. to make magic on my own and no fun at that.. and i'm afraid if i keep looking for that dreamer with a little bit of magic to walk into my life it will never happen. i think it's time i came to grips with reality, but reality hurts and i want to turn back into that self centered fairy tale world. where i'm the princess and there's the prince and the world is right, where people love each other for who they are and there's no pain and struggle with society and what it wants us to do..

so i suppose my heart still believes there will be a bit of magic left in the world.. somewhere. i feel it every so often. but we still become selfish, in the fact that everything we do or anticipate is supposed to make our lives better somehow.. we forget the present.. and that's where i think the magic still may be..

so aptly named jadeheart.