friends

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

some of my most content moments have been with friends.

some of the most painful moments have been with friends.

sometimes you need to break up with a friend.

sometimes you just need to hug one.

Dear you,

I went to visit you on Wednesday, before I went to work. I went to a hula conference over the weekend and it was one of the most amazing experiences I've had in awhile. I got to take workshops with some amazing kumu hula's and it moved me. One song in particular, Nani Ahiahi, it was the last workshop I did with all my hula sisters that were there. It was wonderful. I danced it for you when I went to visit, I hope you saw it. You know there's this moth (maybe it's you) that always, always shows up when I visit you by myself. It's the strangest thing.. I'm sure it's coincedence, but I'd like to think maybe it's a part of you. :)

I can't tell you how much I miss you lately. I just want to talk to you, hear your voice and your laugh. Know that I'll see you soon and feel your hug. But now it will be a long time before that happens, or at least I hope it will be.

I'm heading to Disneyland this weekend and you were supposed to join us. We were going to run amuck among the gay men, sporting our smart red shirts, drooling over guys we'll never have. Jen sent me an evite for a Tahoe trip, it falls on what would have been the 3rd Annual Tahoe trip, but I can't bring myself to plan it without you yet. Maybe next year.

Some days it feels okay, and some days I want to weep. I don't feel so sad about my mom anymore, I'm not sure if your passing helped me through it..I sometimes wonder if I'm still in shock, or if I really have reached an understanding with death. It's unavoidable, we can't predict it, we can barely expect it. It happens. I can feel sad and I can grieve and then I can still be okay. I can miss you both and love you both forever, but I don't have to always be sad doing it. Neither of you would want me doing that, grieving forever. Because I could be doing it for the rest of my life.

We'll all go one day. Until then I'll live my life as full as I can, remembering everything you both taught me and how much you loved me. Then I'll see you again.

Love,
Me

Remembering

Happy 55th birthday mom. I love you and I miss you.

if remembering details about people is usually a sign of your love for them, she loved so many of us

I want to tell you a story, about a group of friends that started in Elementary school and grew up to be young, mature adults with the help of each other. I can't remember the exact details how this group started, but they have come a long way with each other. It was the forming of a strange, yet wonderful family, a group of brothers and sisters. This group would attend each other's birthday parties, experience childhood innocence and fun together. When the girls discovered boys, they would chase them, write stories about them, and go through all the years of teenage angst together. They would fight and make up, annoy each other, love each other and support each other through hard times. They would grow up and graduate high school only to scatter across the United States. One would think that would make them grow apart, but it didn't. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer would bring them back together again and as they experienced college life, serious significant others, graduating from college, and quarter life crises, they would grow closer and closer, despite all their differences. The plan was for them to watch each other grow older, find husbands and wives, get married, have children, and then watch their children play together and have lots of aunties and uncles. Unfortunately, a tragedy had befell this group earlier than they expected and little did they realize that they would need each other more than ever before. This group has spent this last week supporting each other, loving each other and today we have come together to remember the one we've lost.

Karen and I used to have this particular conversation over and over in the last few years since we both graduated college. And we would talk about it all the time, because it would amaze us at how lucky we both were to have so many close friends who know our past and was here for our future. There aren't many people out there who even talk to elementary or high school friends anymore, but we are different. She and I talked about how, if we met some of our high school friends in college, we may not have become close friends with them because we have become different individuals with many different interests. But having shared everything in our past and grown up with similar influences, our group is that close and I know Karen cherished every relationship she had with each one of us. As we've all matured and experienced new things in our life we've become even closer. Instead of attending each other's birthday parties, we are now going to each other's weddings.

Karen said it felt like having a larger family. As we've all grown older, we've come to see the differences in each other, yet still love each other for who we are. Karen was the best at that, she always loved each one of us for exactly who we are. For many of us Karen was our first friend, although quiet and somewhat shy as a child, she was the first to make many of us feel welcome. Something about her was just so approachable. Maybe it was the way her nose scrunched up, you couldn't be scared of the silly faces that she made or that laugh that would fill her smile and shine from her eyes. You were lucky if you got to meet her, she was quirky and fun and so loving. In high school we made up this family (don't ask me how it started, it's a long story, and something kids would do)… but she was the matriarch, the center of this family. Probably because she was the one who could remember everything we all did. She had this amazing memory and in a way was our historian. She could remember where we were, who was there, and what we all had been doing… sometimes even who said what. She was the best at remembering birthdays.

She paid attention to people and remembered even the small minute details. If she was out somewhere and saw something she thought someone would like, she'd surprised them with it. She always went out of her way to support us and be there. Whenever I was depressed, she had the right words to say, sometimes even if I didn't want to hear it. Even when she knew I wouldn't take her advice, she would still be there to listen to me complain or cry over the same subject over and over again… she was just there. As we've shared stories about her over this week, there are so many that talk about how she was like an older sister, always making sure people were okay. She was so calm when it came to her friends being in crisis, she let one friend throw up on her and was there to comforting another when she was throwing up in her car. We didn't give it a second thought when we decided to become roommates, it just felt like living with my sister. While we lived together she would often bring me coffee when I was tired, or food if I had been too lazy to cook. Karen always tried to show how much she loved us and made us feel special. Now that she's gone, her spirit will always remain with us and I know we will still hear her voice guiding us in our lives.

I know she would be proud that our family has come together today to draw strength from each other. I know none of us could be going through this without each other's support. So Karen, don't worry about us, we'll be okay, we'll take care of each other and support each other and things will be okay. We'll share stories about you to our children and will love and remember you forever.

Vote 4 Paws for Griffen!

http://www.skeeterspals.org/contest/viewphoto.php?photoid=385

Thanks!

More more info on Griffen click here.

when do you let it die?

"I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life for different reasons over the years, some of them even good friends, and always quickly without looking back. I’m not one for regrets. I’ve generally always believed that most of the people in your life are not meant to remain there. Friends and relatives die, relationships drift apart or explode, people change, move away, or go to jail. Until this happened, I never had any reason to doubt. Reviving my friendship with Momo is unfamiliar territory for me and I am treading through it carefully, surprised at what I am learning: not everything left for dead really is. Some relationships are actually in a coma. Some are zombies, wandering aimlessly without a soul. The trick is learning to tell the difference between them and knowing when to resucitate, and when to grab a shotgun and put it out of its misery." - Unexpected Necromancy: Raising an Old Friendship from the Dead by Lucky Machete

I was reading this article on "Who is Isabelle?", it's a great website full of chic reading and thoughts. Girls go check it out, boys go for some insight. Anyway, it got me thinking about my friendships, my relationships, ex boyfriends and how you can let a friendship die, never nuture it, or only nuture it a little bit to keep it barely breathing... perhaps hoping one day you'll finally give it the attention you've been meaning to give them. But life keeps on moving and sometimes those barely breathing friendships fade away and by the time you go to nuture it, you realize it's gone. Then there's a lot of awkwardness and sadness, sometimes it's the opposite and you re-learn things about that person and remember again and suddenly your friendship is back breathing and walking again.

I've realized I've made quite a few friends in my life, many whom after moving away from the physical area I rarely speak to again. Yet I still have very fond thoughts of many of them and feel that if I were to see them again, it would be good times. (Of course with the current development of myspace you can add the occasional comment just to say hi, i'm still thinking of you). There are others that I make sure to try and nurture and contact at least once every couple of months, hoping to keep it breathing so that when I see them again, so that it isn't just about playing catch up but seeing really how they are doing and feeling, not just what's been happening in their lives.

anyway.. there's more but that should be for a over dinner or coffee/boba conversation. don't really want to post it here since apparently there are some people who actually do read my blog. :) Thanks friends!

Love at 9 years old

My friend and I took a walk today, into our past by way of conversation. It was hilarious. She mentioned that she had recently come upon photos of her and I when we were young. I was trying to recall the first time I met her or even spoke to her, but I can't. I thought it was middle school, she says it was elementary. Or at least that's where we knew of each other's existence. I'm not quite sure if we ever talked, although I suppose we must have since our friends were the same. At least hi..

Anyway, it got me thinking about moments in my life that I still remember. They're not quite vivid anymore, but I remember them happening.. or at least I'm pretty sure they did.. who knows with memories anymore. I think the way these work is hopefully someone else who experienced it remembers it too. So there was my first friend, gloria and through her jenny, this was my first real Saratoga memory. Well that and losing my She-ra doll in our house when we first moved in. I think I was sad for about a day and came to the conclusion that she went on a trip. Don't ask how the mind of a 7 year old works.. gloria and I became friends because we were both shy, so we stuck to the back of the room. Then I remember my first crush, zach, he was in my 3/4th grade class. He was nice and I think he was cute, blond hair, blue eyes.

Then came the beginning of the boy crazy years. I'm not even really sure why I liked these guys, mostly I think because they were nice. I remember conversations among my girl friends, so who's your #1 crush... #2? Yes those were grand times, we thought we were so grown up and life was so complicated.. little did I know.. it gets worse. I remember chasing some boys around the playground with my friends Alvina and Katy.. we chased the boys all around the playground and they made the mistake to climb up the jungle gym.. a ha! trapped! I think Alvina made them give up who they liked, it was hilarious. I believe it was four boys and us.. turned out two had crushes on me (those two were also my #1 and #2, yeah I was a pimp!) and the other two like Katy and Alvina. Keep in mind.. we're 9 years old. What do 9 years old know about love?!

I remember throughout 10th grade my #1 crush and I wrote letters to each other. Yes.. 9 year old's writing "love" letters. I wish I still had them, they were hilarious. I remember finding them in high school and I couldn't stop laughing, it was great. (Coz you know in high school our idea of love is waaay more mature.. *note sarcasm*). I think my idea of love at 9 years old was better, things got more complicated in high school.. we got stupider about love too. I remember the letters ended when he went off to private school and I moved into middle school. That's when the trauma that is your friends helping you with your crushes kicked in. My #2 crush had the unfortunate circumstance, in that he went to the same middle school (we only had one where I lived). So he bore the brunt of all my friends doing stupid things.. this included loud talking using code names as we walk by them, them for some reason throwing my picture on his desk after school (thank you jane for saving me that day). I didn't suffer as badly as some others.. one friend followed another person's crush.. followed so closely she wasn't looking and stepped on his heel, there were the prank phone calls, the suggestive ones.. "so.. if so and so liked you, what would you think..". Oh it was awful, I'm pretty sure we were worse than most other normal kids our age. This is what happens when you grow up in a semi-strict culture and you have too much idle time. Instead of smoking or drinking.. we talked about boys, crushed on them, and pretended we knew what love was and all the pains and joys that come with it.

Believe it or not, we all survived middle school.. only to make it worse in high school. This time though the embarrassment factor was 10x higher. You're awkward and gawky.. or at least I was, dressed in my fancy art show sweatshirts and black leggings (I was so behind the times and my friends loved me so much they never said a word). I didn’t own my first pair of jeans (after 6 years old) until my junior year of high school.. sad isn’t it. I’m not longer ashamed to say this out loud.. I was a fashion freak. To top it off, I managed to burst the button off the jeans bending down for a book in the library, I was mortified, at least I was alone.. and thank goodness for the baggy art show sweatshirt (yes.. I was still wearing them). I remember at some point, I stopped liking guys, or at least the ones that were in my high school. I had just been around them for so long, the crushing kind of just ended. Granted #2 followed me there too and for the first 2 years I entertained the idea. Now that I think about it, I think I kept liking him out of idleness.. there was nothing else to do and my friends all had crushes on people and so he was mine. He was cute and very, very nice. I’m sure he still is. When I had stopped liking him, that was when he asked me to junior prom. I recall his best friend at the time, asking what I would do if he asked me.. and suddenly the tables were turned! It was his friend doing the embarrassing prelim interview now.. muwahahaha. I remember shooting back, we’ll see what happens if he asks. He did, I went, we had a great time, no pressure, just fun. Senior year went along pretty normally, I ended up crushing on a guy from a different school.. I should have been outreaching to other schools in the first place! I ended up at prom with a good friend and again we had a blast, no pressure, just fun. I think that’s the way to go.. I’ve always ended up having a great time with guy buds.. why? No pressure. I get to love them and have a great time and loads of laughs, plus if they’re really close friends, you can still snuggle without consequences and complications. Oh young love… how simple it was. Sometimes I wish I was still 9 years old, love wasn’t so complicated then.

dreaming of Italy

I'm not sure why, just been thinking about it a lot. Perhaps because it's the last my family went on vacation when my mom was still around. Anyway, I got attached to Florence, there was something about the town that I just loved. The whole area was wonderful. So I was trying to remember the name of this restaurant we went to that I desparately want to return to and finally found it after 30 minutes of searching online and then realizing I had written the name down as a caption under a photo I uploaded years ago.. thank goodness! So before I forget again.. Trattoria Pandemonio, just across the river on Via del Leone. Ask for Mamma!

Pandemonio
Telephone 055.22.40.02 Price Range €€€
Address Via del Leone, 50r Quarter Oltrarno - Piazza Tasso
Open 1:00 - 3:00 , 7:30 - 11:00 Closed Sunday

Do you have the Right Stuff?

So I was looking up some information for an auction item for our agency's BBQ/Auction (by the way tickets are on-sale - $35/adult, $10/child.. great food, great auction items.. and my company - priceless!

Anyway, so I was googling.. the Right Stuff. I was looking for the health clubs and instead pops up this.. The Right Stuff. A dating site for graduates and faculty of "excellent universities and colleges". You can see a list of who is considered "excellent" by clicking this link.. "Select Schools". So sad.. I'm sure if I write to her and say, hey what about UC Irvine, US News has us ranked 40th in the nation, she's turn her nose up at me and say, I don't think so. I never really understood what all the hype was about. No matter where you go, you'll end up with almost the same education. Granted, graduating from MIT almost gaurantees you a 80K a year job while graduating UC doens't really guarantee you anything.

I still remember a time when a friend told me that I should seriously consider transfering because why whould I want to graduate with a degree from Irvine. That I should consider a better school, like UC Davis (which by the way ranks 48th according to US News - not that that means anything either). I doubt he remembers ever saying that, but I wanted to smack him with my two inch psychology book for saying that to my face. He didn't realize it, but he basically called me stupid.. indirectly of course.

There was another time when an MIT grad friend told me her company was looking for people... the catch? They had to have graduated from an "excellent university". So sad, think of all the cheaper talent they could have missed out on. Some smart people can't afford to go to ivy leagues you know!! *shaking fist at air* Not saying I'm all that smart, probably more "street" savvy.. and I'm not talking about East LA or EPA streets... more along the lines of wordly streets. Anyway, I deviate... I'm sure some people would just read this and say... 'oh she's just bitter she didn't get into a better school.' Me? I'm just thankful I don't regret any part of my college career.

It just got me thinking about how the value of our selves in the working world and now even the dating world is based on what we can write under education on our resume. As you know people adjust their resumes for the jobs that they apply to.. well ladies and gents, time to dust off those pens and start thinking about how you want to sound to your future spouse (assuming you want to get married).

Hmm.. there's an idea, what to date me? Sumbit your resume, you'll receive a call back if you're selected for a first round interview, then we'll talk.

at some point

...you break, you fix yourself, everything becomes okay again, you give up, you're in that moment, you're in that memory, you're reliving a nightmare, you're dreams are coming true... at some point...



you can't explain it to people, you're tired of talking about it and you think people are tired of hearing about it. they give you the same advice over and over again, but no one who isn't living it can't really understand and there aren't any who haved lived it because it's never done. you'll live with it for the rest of your life and then someone will live with your it.

quite often it's dark here and you plug along because deep down inside you know you're completely sane and rational and that life wasn't like this before. but you still wish there was help somehow. someone who wasn't involved who could help you find peace with this point. yet somehow where you look for help it isn't about helping others anymore, why because others who have come before you have abused the helpers.

we all become so mixed up with all the experiences we have, we think we know better than anyone else and the only real path to peace is finding others like you who understand, but even then it's usually a connection to that one point, so you find others who will understand other parts and eventually you'll reach a point...

must love dogs

there is something to be said about a man who loves animals (well really about anyone who loves animals), particularly dogs. they are great human companions and quite often we fall in love with them rather quickly and they become our children. if you are a person who loves dogs or owns one you know what I'm talking about.

someone asked me how i could love griffen when i've only had him for a month. how could you not! dogs will love you unconditionally, you become the center of their world. they rely on you for food and love in the form of hugs, scratches, belly rubs, and playtime. in return they are devoted to you and love you back. they are the perfect companion. easy to please and with a look you can never say 'no' to.

now it's hard to give your heart or even share it with someone else. there's a danger in getting hurt, yet we will give our hearts to our animals quickly and without hesitation. now to watch a guy do that.... there's something to be said for men who love dogs.

voicemails

i like getting voicemails that someone's leaving you as you are calling them back. :)

fourth of july

Now I suppose I should post this tomorrow, but whatever. It feels like today should be the holiday, when are holiday's on Tuesdays! It's weird.. I went to work today and it only took me 8 minutes. Everything about this holiday feels strange this year.

I woke up and left the house and it was cloudy and there weren't any cars on the road.. barely any cars while I was driving. It almost felt like everyone else knew a secret and I missed out. Like they all left and I was stuck here.

The weird thing is, I usually don't celebrate the fourth of july, usually what happens is random mixes of friends, strange bbq's and sometimes fire works.

There are a few fourth of july's I do remember..

July 4, 1990

Driving around in our station wagon trying to find fireworks with my family and find the best spot to view them. It was funny, I think we got in the car and drove somewhere.. decided it wasn't that great, and while the fireworks were going off.. drove around again to find a better spot. It was great fun, there were pillows involved and lots of comfy lying down space.

July 4, 1997

With high school friends.. again driving around, just being stupid. Why? Because we had our licenses and at least some of us had cars. I don't really recall seeing fireworks.. hearing them yes.. visual contact.. no.

July 4, 1999

After our first year of college, we were all back in town. Summer fun and time to reconnect. We went to De Anza college and laid down on the grass. We put down all our sweaters and everyone's head was on someone else's tummy. It was the most fun I remember having at on a fourth. There we were all comfy, surrounded by tons of people doing the same thing, all watching the same bright shots of light in the sky.

July 4, 2002

I missed not celebrating, so I called up random people. It was the strangest mix.. Jane, Efrain, Luis, Angel, Clay, Me and a small little grill. Ef and Luis brought some great carne asada and did the bbq'ing. We all took a trip across the street later to purchase fireworks.. with the help of Jane's sweater and some boobie and direction from Clay we scored twice as many fireworks as we paid for. They were less than spectacular, but fun when you're full of food and beer. Then of all the randomness.. we went to a Kappa Sig house party in Newport. Interesting night.

July 4, 2006 (almost.. in another 3 hours)

The holiday is almost here and I can't help but feel that this is another holiday without my mom. As I was walking my dog, I was thinking about my family.. and for some reason Tahoe popped into my head. Tahoe in the summer.. the smell of it, the memories from all the vacations I've taken there. I think one future July 4th.. I'd like to spend in Tahoe, remembering my mom, eating bbq, and listening for fireworks. :) As for tomorrow.. four years later and here we are again, nothing planned. I'm sorta hoping something fun and surprising will happen...

My New Baby!

I made a decision to adopt a dog, but I didn't want to rush into it. Since this is a lifelong (at least for them) commitment. I wanted this dog to be happy, especially since I'm not always home, ie.. work. So I was going to approach this with care and find my perfect match. It just so happens I met him this weekend and he wiggled his way into my life. His name is Griffen, he's 11 years old (he'll live to be about 17-20), he has no teeth, but he's still got a happy grin and adores people. He's an absolute sweetheart and so lovey.

His story: Furry Friends Rescue thinks he was either lost or abandonded and then lived as a stray for quite awhile. Long enough for his diet to become so bad his teeth had almost rotted away. He was found and turned into the Fremont shelter, no one wanted to adopt him. He was going to be put down, and I believe was in the room, when a Furry Friends Rescue volunteer saw him and rescued him. Normally a dog is adopted within 4-6 weeks, but no one seemed to want Griffen. He was with his foster mom for a little over a year before I came upon his pictures on petfinder.com. I wasn't so sure about him as he seemed a little big, but it was mostly due to his fluffy fur. When I saw his photo on the Furry Friends Rescue site and read his information, the more I began to like him. It turned out we were a great match and when I met him I knew he was the one (wish finding a future husband was that easy). And voila! I adopted him and took him home and now he's mine. :)

Embrace and Detach

"What I'm doing now... is detaching myself from the experience."

Detaching Yourself?

"Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important - not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach... You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you like it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion - love for a women, or grief for a loved one... If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the greif. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say. 'All right I have experience that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

-tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom pg 103-104



I somehow learned that love was one of the greatest feelings and emotions on earth and that if I loved, I would be loved in return. But this is also how I have come to know "goodbyes" so thoroughly as well. I have been so blessed in my life with the people who've I've encountered through the years and who I've established long and deep friendships with. I think someone was watching out for me. Perhaps I didn't realize it but it would give me the support I would need when the good byes got to be too much for me to bear on my own. I haven't ever had to break up with many people, but I have had to say my fair share of goodbyes.

Goodbyes weren't so hard before. I'd embrace it and feel it, cry and hug those I was leaving. Promising to keep in touch even though it was difficult, we still try. But at least most of those moments during the time we had with each other helped create a great relationship that would let me come back and pick up where we left off. So the goodbye would come, but I knew there would be more moments of love and joy. I let myself love people as completely as I could because the returns are always greater and it's so much easier to trust and love than be bitter and mean. I guess I was addicted because for my whole life, the more I gave love the more I received it. You couldn't go wrong. Even the goodbye's still couldn't stop me from loving.

It helped because I still had my own source of never ending love from my family, parents, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, "aunts", "uncles", long time family friends, etc. My parents love for their children helped raise happy, loving kids who learned to give to others and to love others. I learned to see people for who they are and for loving them for who they are. Things were wonderful and I almost had the perfect family. But then one of those sources, a major one, my mother passed away. Suddenly it's become harder and I felt I couldn't love like I did before, but I was wrong. I still do, but what's changed now is how I deal with goodbye's.

I'm still trying to learn how to grieve. I don't want to hang onto this anymore, I've let myself cry, but yet it still doesn't seem to be enough. Will I be crying for the rest of my life? My friend did some research to help me after my mom passed and she read that although it seems like I'm spirling downwards, it's really just me letting go more and more. So I've taken that advice to heart and I'm trying to get it out. I know I'm lucky I have safe people to cry to, who will let me cry and who I can share my pain with, but it still feels like never ending pain. Especially when new goodbye's come up, it feels like new pain layered on old pain. Suddenly I'm back in a whirlwind of feelings of pain, hurt, loss... I've got the embracing the emotion part down... but how does one detach and leg it go?

What's going to happen in the future if I can still love, but I can't let go of my goodbye's.

vous aviez l'habitude de dire la bonne nuit à moi presque chaque nuit

i feel like Charlie Brown

Can I help it? I was taught to love with my whole heart.. I can't just turn it off.




click for a larger version

everything sounds prettier in french

je veux pleurer quelque part sûr et chute endormie à côté de vous que je veux rire jusqu'à ce qu'il blesse et j'oublie la douleur à mon coeur. je veux aimer et être a aimé pour le reste de ma vie - la même personne.

kicked when you're down

sometimes you hit low spots and you don't think it could get any lower.. but it does. almost doesn't hurt anymore since you're already there.

don't forget your momma

it's a hard day to get through.. i love you mom!

as much as your mom nags you and you sometimes can't stand her, image if that was all gone... for the majority it'll be the most heart breaking even you'll ever go through.. so give her today, call her, spend time with her, tell her you love her.

old men's club

I'm sitting in the midst of a not so secret society of men. A group that formed after the passing of my mother made their group of friends
sharply aware of life's fragility. It felt like this change where they
realized they were getting older and were losing the time to life for
its moments. I remember when my 'uncle' stood up and proclaimed the first saturday of each month to be the gathering time for the 'old man's club'.

Thus it was a born - a gathering time for laughter, drinking (wine, beer, liquor, tea) and eating good food, while enjoying each others
company. Meetings aren't mandatory, anyone is welcome irregardless of race or sex. The language of choice is chinese, but translations go on for those who don't understand. My grandfather is the oldest and a well-respected and admired man. It was until recently that I've really come to realy know this quiet man.

They reminisce, they joke (I understand about half), there are stupid sexual innuendos, more laughter, talk about family, talk about friends, politics, more food and wine and a lot of poking fun. Occasionally an interjection by a girlfriend/wife/daughter attending will occure, usually to best the men with some witty comment. It a feeling of revelry and comraderie and it feels good just to sit in surrounded by these good feelings.

These are men who are enjoying life to its fullest right now. Men who understand life is short and have found a way to collect the moments.
So that when that day comes, whern we pass on, they'll say - I can die
happy, I've lived.

wouldn't it be lovely

...to quit my job and move to Italy to learn the language and go to culinary school over there. Hopefully study with the owner of this wonderful restauarant in Florence where this Italian mama adopted our family for 3 hours, where I had the best meal I had ever had in Italy and it was good times with the family. Then I could open my own cafe in a city by the sea, my friend said he would come and sell flowers or rent bicycles to the passing tourists. It sounds so romantic and I don't mean the between two people type of romance, but the romance of life. How it should be lived, breathing in and out and living in the moment.

My mother had told me on that trip that if I wanted to become a chef that she would support and sponsor me to come to Italy to learn. She had always wanted to open a restaurant later in life and this woman could cook! Anything from complicated Chinese dishes to Italian calzone to French casseroles.. she was amazing! And I still miss her lamb chops! Our family had such a great time that trip, never realizing it would be our last as a whole family and it was wonderful. I realize now how much I am like her, we both had two sides to ourselves, the logical side that wanted/wants a good high-paying job to support our family (I never doubt that I will have children of my own) and the romantic side that loves to travel and dreams of abandoning all logic for passion.

However, instead of even taking steps towards something like this, I'm sitting in a gray cubicle (why is it always gray?), clacking away at my keyboard with a pile of envelopes that need stuff to my left and unfinished work to my right, with a GMAT book tucked under my desk to study later... still dreaming of Italy, wondering if I should abandon all logic and give into passion.

I suppose one could always try... at some point eh?

Whatever Gets You Through Today - RADiO (Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack)

Someone said today,
There's no other way
Of playing....

But I'll find a way,
I'll find another way
Of saying....

All the time we have for life,
Thinking 'bout the lives we had
Together....

Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today

Sometime yesterday,
There was another way
Of dreaming....

But there's another way
You don't have to be a hero....

God, it's not easy
There's a lot to keep you holding
On forever....

Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today

Whatever gets you through today (x12)

it may be your last

hug, kiss, or the last words you say to someone and sometimes you just never know. Would it make a difference if you did?

One of my volunteers who had a stroke a few months ago, passed away on Monday. I'm trying to remember the last time I hugged him, because he gave great hugs and had a wonderful smile. It made me think about the last words I had said to my mother and how often I wish it could have been more. I would say 'I Love You' every night I saw her, knowing there was a slight chance it might be the last. Although I was mostly in denial, I honestly thought she would get better. But I didn't want that to be the last, I wanted to have more conversations and I couldn't. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk much to her when I sat in the hospital with her and I regret every minute of it. Had I known, I would have let myself cry in front of her and talked until I had no more to say and still would have talked more until my voice was dry and cracked.

I still don't always tell people everything I'm thinking. I only tell them what I think they need to know and only if I mean it. Although if one were to ask, I wouldn't lie. I always tell people I love them now (if I do) and mean it when I say it. I always try to hug them before I leave because you never know, it may just be the last and I'll always want to remember it. Memories start to fade with time, but at least for a short while I can hang on to it.

Scott AFB, IL and St. Louis, MO

So it wasn't the most glamours vacation (considering all I've been thinking about is Hawaii and France lately).. but it was a pretty great vacation. I decided that after the volunteer appreciation dinner I needed a break so I went to go visit some friends in Illinois. I flew into St. Louis and John picked me up from the airport. Boy was it warm! Thank goodness! I had enough rain and it felt nice to feel sun and see sun and wear tank tops and flip flops instead of rain coats and boots. We grabbed some food and just caught up, hung out w/ some of his military friends and just relaxed. On the way home we picked up Whitecastle burgers.. I was so excited!! They're just as tasty as I imagined and the chicken rings covered in cheese.. so good. I love food.

The next day we took a tour of the Anheuser-Busch factory in St. Louis with two of his friends. It was pretty interesting, granted a lot of it looks like the same stuff I see in most beer factories. Guiness is a little bit different, but still interesting. It was fun to see the clydesdales, they're beautiful horses. We also encountered a sleepy cat that looked like it had dipped into one of the barrels of beer. Good times, quick tour, then off to TGIF's (there's no real St. Louis food apparently) and a short nap then.. bowling! Ah yes.. the favorite blue collar sport of everyone. I bowled a 143, not bad, my highest thus far has been 145. I sent the picture to my friends in England, we're having a contest right now to see who can bowl the best.. Peter's winning with 150 I think. Afterwards, we ordered Chinese food (they deliver!!! I wish there were more delivery places in Nor Cal). Poor John, the moment they got here, a thunderstorm hit so he had to drive out and quickly exchange money for food. It was amazing, one minute it was nice and all of a sudden, crack, boom, pouring rain. I loved it. I wanted to go run around, but I don't think it would have been appropriate and they may have locked me up (j/k). Not a bad night, we putzed around on computers and watched TV. My brother laughed and asked if I couldn't have done that at home.. it's not the same though. Because at home I'd still be thinking about all the stuff I should be doing, like cleaning the house, etc. This way.. all I'm doing is having fun. Plus I hadn't seen John since my mom's funeral and that was over 2 1/2 years ago!

Monday.. went to see the St. Louis arch, it's pretty amazing. I learned quite a bit there and took some amusing pictures with stuffed animals. In order to get up to the top you have to travel in this pods that only hold 5 people and look like they came out of a 1960's space movie. I hit my head twice inside, once on the way up and you think I'd learn something... but no, once again on the way down. The view was pretty from the top, although it was mostly buildings, trees, lots of greenery and the occasional water tower. St. Louis.. not exactly glamourous. Then more fast food, computers, and TV. Yes I know.. we're terribly exciting. Actually we did rent two movies - Turtles Can Fly and Fun with Dick and Jane, Turtles Can Fly is an Iraqi/Iranaian film about these kids and what happened right before the war. Pretty interesting. Really sad too though. Fun with Dick and Jane was pretty amusing, good thing we saved that one for second.

Tuesday.. THE ZOO!! I love animals and happened to look up things to do in St. Louis and spotted a brochure.. so the zoo it was. Plus it's free and nothing beats free. We oogled fish, turtles, frogs, zebras, hippos (those are awesome), rhinos, elephants, monkeys!!, and quite a few large cats. It was freaking cold that day.. weird.. one day it's 70 and the next day it was 50. We trotted through the zoo pretty quickly and went to eat... where? the old spaghetti factory! I don't think it tastes quite as good as the one in Newport Beach, but then again I was a poor college student who happened to live across the street. Might have been more fun coz Mike was working there at the time too. Good times. Headed back and more computers and TV. My friend Todd drove down from Champaign which was nice of him. Poor guy was sick and still came down to see me. The three of us chatted and watched reality TV.. again terribly exciting aren't we. :) It felt good though, I laughed a lot this weekend and it was great to see the two of them. It's nice to know that even after years of not seeing friends you can still just jump right back into that relationship.

Anyway, if you read all of this.. wow. I'm surprised.. this was a pretty boring blog, but I didn't want to forget the stuff I did. Check out my smugmug site for pictures, Illinois 4.22.06-4.26.06.

recovering grief

Today I went to my first funeral since my mom and my grandma passed away. My hula sister lost her second grandmother a little over a week ago and when she sent out the information I decided I wanted to be there to support her. It wasn't until later that I realized I hadn't been to a funeral service since October 2003. I tried to remember what it was like for me those two weeks and I honestly don't really remember. I can vaguely remember what I was wearing, I know the walls were brown and I remember what they looked like in the box. I remember following people and hugging them, I don't know if I cried, I think I did.

I do remember clearly though, the faces of my friends who were there, the faces of my family members, their hugs and their support through the dinner afterwards. The cards, the flowers, just being there and seeing them there made it easier that day. I remember them being there for the nights where I cried afterwards, the nights I was angry, for letting me scream and cry if I needed too. For taking me to feed the ducks and painting on the walls. For all the tubs of icecream and cookies and movies. For just sitting with me.

I can't say I'm completely better even now, but this day did help me realize how I was feeling that day and how grateful I was that in my time of need they were all there to support me in some way.

I will always be thankful for their love.

nervous

My friend's grandmother passed away a week or so ago and I immediately agreed to go to the funeral service. It wasn't until after that I realized this would be the first funeral I'll be at since I lose my mother and grandmother. I wasn't nervous until now, the closer we get to leaving for it, the more nervous I'm becoming.

A co-worker lost her mom about a year or so after me and I almost went to hers.. but in the end I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready yet. I don't know if I am now...

the designer in me

I'd love to have a shirt in white or black with this Audrey Hepburn graphic on it.. too bad I'm not a screenprinter. But if anyone ever sees it, let me know! I love Audrey!

to my guy friends

I’ve always considered myself blessed in the area of friends. That someone was really watching out for me and it wasn’t just luck that I have who I have in my life. I think this is part of the reason where it makes it more difficult to find the right guy... the “one”.
Let’s just consider my guy friends at this moment. I’ve had the best relationships with guy friends and they’ve done so many things for me.
If we just look at their actions: I’ve had poems written to me when I was feeling sad, cough drops delivered when I was sick, dinner delivered when I couldn’t go get it. They’ve listened to me cry, held me, hugged me, slept next to me when I was scared, let me scream in their car when I was grieving, shown up without asking because they knew I needed them. They mail me presents on my birthday, take me out to dinner, fly up to see me to help me celebrate occasions, take me out to movies. Out of the blue and surprisingly when I’m feeling sad, I’ll usually get a text message, a letter, an e-mail or a postcard and my day is suddenly brightened. I’ve gotten flowers, some specially dyed, others with special meaning, roses just because and baby’s breath to ask me to a dance. They’ve brought me cookies and ice cream when I was feeling down, watched chick flicks with me because I wanted to, explored Fry’s because it’s fun, and laughed at all my stupid jokes.
If we consider the intangible: just the thought of them makes me smile, they somehow always have the right words for the moments and if they don’t their silence is enough. They tell it to me straight, not for their own benefit but for mine and when I need to hear it, even if they think I don’t want to hear it. Their logic makes sense of the chaos in my life and their support is everlasting. The best part about it is that their personalities are so giving, not just to me but to most everyone, or at least most of them are. We all get selfish once in awhile. They think outside of themselves and it shows because not many people do.
Just thinking of them makes me happy and I get this glow when I’m around them. When I come across a moment that reminds me of a memory I share with them or something they do or say it makes me smile and fills my heart with hope and contentment and love. Just to know that I have them in my life is a gift. I may not have known all of them that long, but it feels like I have and the closest ones I know are the ones I will know for the rest of my life. Where even if I don’t see them for days or weeks or months or years, that when I see them again, it will be as if we’ve never left…

To all the guy friends in my life, thank you.

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

recently reminded

I was recently reminded that life is short..
that I sometimes get too comfortable to quickly..
that I my dreams had faded a bit..
that I stopped making plans because I was scared..

so I'm sitting here listening to James Blunt, not really paying attention to the words, but the music is resonating within me and sits right with my heart. I keep thinking about moments, the good ones, the ones that made me smile and made my heart feel so full. Where I'd look up into the sky and think, damn there is nothing better than right now. A friend of mine once commented on the phrase, "college are the best days of your life" - he said, "I don't think they'll be the best days of your life, but they'll be the best memories." I agree. The memories I have during those years, with my friends are the best I've had in my life.

I got lucky, I had lots of sky gazing moments where I got to think, there's nothing better than right here right now. Then life took an unexpected turn for the worse and still today I'm trying to let go of pain.. trying to remember who I was before and stay true to that person despite my loss. Part of me manages because I was that person, part of me manages because I know she wouldn't want me to be any other way.. the other part fights each day not to give into what could be a darker side.

A side that's sadder, more depressed, angry, and selfish.. because it doesn't make me happy. It offers little justification for the heartaches and the painful life lessons we often go through, some sooner than others. Recently I was reminded that it doesn't stop.. we will still love people, we will develop relationships, people will get sick and most certainly people will at some point die. Death is absolute certainty.

Only problem is seems is that those left behind die a little too. What I've come to realize is that we should embrace the pain and all that we've suffered and fill those little parts of our heart that die with new relationships and fill them with the memories, never forgetting who we are or that we still have a future to live. I suppose I've always known this, but recently, I was reminded this can be a long process. But that's okay. I've noticed recently, that what could have been "a great moment" is often now laced with a slight twinge knowing something's missing. But it still fills a little bit of my heart and that little twinge reminds me to relish it more. Laugh with everything you have, cry if you need too, and love as true as you can, most of all be as honest as you can be. Write those letters, take those trips, make those phone calls and live life. Dive into it and soak up every bit of it, because you'll never know when you get the next "moment". We fall so low because we can feel that high.

And live it I will.. one day at a time, from lows to highs, moment to moment.

Photoshop and Shopping Fun!

I created this sticker to help advertise for Karmaloop. Check them out, they've got lots of trendy, hip, and cool clothing! Plus accessories and toys, what more could you ask for! Use promo code YANG80 to get 20% off!

death

the end is silent, even if it was violent or gentle.. it's still silent when it's done.

the pain though, everything that the living have to suffer after that, the anger, the torture, the loss, the tears, did i mention anger?

all of it.. not silent. they say time heals, but time is a human design, ticks on a watch.. no matter how much time passes, death can still tear fresh wounds in scars that heal over and over.

when do you let go?

and how do you let go?

confessions of a shopaholic pt.1

I admit it, I’m a mild shopaholic… what does this mean? Well I almost can’t control the impulse to buy things, but I’m not in debt yet and still able to save some money. It also means I have more clothes that I need in my closet and more shoes that I need… but hey.. it’s about choices right? I guess it can mean trouble if I have to plan out what to wear. :P

But there’s something slightly blissful about shopping. Especially when you find the right piece, whether it’s a top, pair of a jeans, a comfy sweater, beautiful shoes or cute accessories. There’s something about shopping that just makes me happy. It’s not just the purchasing part, it’s the whole hunt. It starts with an idea, flipping through magazines, watching tv, people watching or just an idea in the head. Something will pop up and then comes the hunt for that perfect piece that sits in my head. If I finally find it and then you price shop and compare (the internet makes this a lot easier). When I decide I really want it (sometimes this decision takes a few seconds only) and complete the purchase it sends little happy feelings throughout my body. I love it! I love the way wearing clothes and shoes makes me feel. It’s not about anyone else but me and my self expression. Sometimes it’s about that perfect gift for a friend. Same feeling of being able to match something with someone’s expression of themselves. I have to admit, my biggest weaknesses right now are shoes and sweaters. I just have to keep in mind that although it might look good on me, is it my style and do I really want it?

I would love to own my own clothing boutique!

shooz!

Why most shoe salespeole are men. What do most men know about shoes anyway? And do they even pay attention to shoes? My boyfriend notices when i have on something new, which is nice, but usually the next question is, 'how much did it cost?'

I think I’d rather have a sales person who knew a thing or two about shoes and loved shoes to be my salesperson. Then they can tell me what they think about styles, fit, comfort, color, etc. Most sales people are there just trying to make commission. A friend of mine was shoe shopping and asked this guy to get her a size, she waited about 20 minutes and he still hadn't come back yet. So she asked another guy to get her the size, that guy gets back faster with the shoe and the other one finally shows up. And What happens? The first sales guy almost yells at her for asking someone else to get her the shoe. I mean come on!! Whatever happened to customer service? (By the way this was at the macy's at valley fair.) He said, 'we make most of our money on comission, and you shouldn't be asking two different people to get the same shoe for you.' Last I heard.. in the mall, the customer is usually always right. What an ass.. I bet he's a lousy shoe salesman.

it's the little things...

So I've been stressed for awhile, you can tell by the time between my posts. Not that I always post regularly, but this time it really was because I was busy. At first it was good busy.. now it's the busy that's making me feel fatigued and stressed and sick and pushing me to the edges of my sanity. These last few weeks have just been exhausting and so many things have been tipping me over the edge and yet somehow I manage to get back on solid ground.. sort of.

Yesterday I had meetings.. all day long. Physically, emotionally, and mentally draining meetings. I also ended up making a stupid mistake that had I checked my voicemail could have been avoided.. not anyone's fault, just happened. But!! It was a a tiny gesture from my boyfriend that managed to soothe the horrendous feeling of the day and make things better.

I was telling him how stressed out I was and just how everything felt so crappy. When I picked him up he had a surprise for me. He had been walking by a stand and saw these flowers and decided to buy 2 beautiful gerber daisies (he thought they were sunflowers - "because I light up his life" - yes feel free to gag).

They're sitting on my desk now, making me happy and lighting up my life. :)

stress

it's all i've felt in the last two weeks.. my ear ache doesn't help and i'm grumpy.

Fw: hot or not?

look what I got!

--jadeheart