Thank you my Angel

I know there is an angel that watches over me and has been watching over me my whole life. Because there is no way, I could have made it this far on luck. I have so much to be thankful for and to celebrate this Christmas and New Year. I am living and experiencing a whole new culture and enjoying it. I was blessed to be put with such amazing housemates and wonderful American friends as well. And to still have people who love me and miss me back at home and who think about me and send me e-mails and cards and all that stuff. It's amazing. Over the past few days I have been numb and eerily alright, but the other day my mom and dad called and I broke down. Spent that day nearly sobbing all day long and not being able to stop. The the next day I was on the phone with Dustin walking around campus and nearly crying the other day, saying how people are being really supportive, but I for some reason wasn't opening up. I feel so vulnerable and just wanted someone who knew me well to be here with me and hold me. I think this vulnerability thing was making me keep to myself, but when I came home after class there was a card in front of my door. 'Ooo, Christmas card' I though. I opened it and it was a sympathy card Matt had bought and had all my housemates sign! It was so beautiful and of course I burst into tears again, but they weren't sad tears. They were grateful, happy tears. I could feel my grandfather there with me when I opened the card and hear his voice saying, 'See, it will be alright, I may be gone, but you'll be okay. Don't shut out what's around you.' I had a nice talk with some of my housemates and they keep making sure I'm alright. And part of me, the ME that usually trusts people so easily came back along with a bit more of my confidence.

I honestly don't know what I'd do if I wasn't in the house I lived in now and was somewhere else in England where my housemates weren't as amazing or wonderful. So a huge thanks to my angel or whoever is out there caring for me, you are truly appreciated with every breath I take.

Although.. right now that breath may be a bit herby, Tilly just cooked an amazing roast dinner! We had roast chicken, stir fried courgettes, steamed cabbage, roasted potatoes and parsnip, boiled carrots and home made gravy! Absolutely wonderful. Yum. So that's all for now. Gonna roll my fatty butt home soon.

Dear Grandpa

My grandfather passed away two days ago, December 8, 2002 around noon in Taiwan. I found out the afternoon of December 8th and my whole world felt like it came crashing down around me and I was going to suffocate. I knew he was getting older, his kidneys had failed a year ago and he needed dialysis every week. But people have lived years and years with their kidneys not working. But then the got sick when I came to England and my parents said he was in the hospital. Okay.. so people get sick, but they get better too. He didn't, and when my mom told me she and ALL her brothers and sisters were going back, I got this sick feeling in my stomach that something was wrong. So I wrote this letter and I painted this painting of me and my grandfather, to tell him how much I loved him and how I hoped that he was going to get better. I mailed it December 5, 2002 and I don't think it got there in time for my mother to read it to him or show him the painting. I'm sure he knew that I loved him, but it would have been nice for him to really know how I felt, because I could never tell him. My Chinese was never strong enought to say what I wanted to say and the words 'I Love You' in Chinese coming out of my mouth did not seem like enough. But since he did not get to read the letter, I will put it here to share with everyone else. My grandfather was a strong, highly respected man who touched everyone around him. Most of all he LOVED so greatly and was able to show people how to love and that was something that I will never forget...

Dear Grandpa,
I wish I had learned my Chinese better a long time ago, so that I could write this to you in Chinese or call you and tell you with my own voice how much you mean to me. No words can express how much I love, admire and respect you. You have been such a significant impact on my life every since I was little. I can still remember very vividly living in your house for two months when I was younger. I remember how much fun I had even though I missed home sometimes. I would always feel your love no matter what.
I always think of the times when the Hu family used to gather together during Christmas and summers or for special occasions. There was always this magic within our family that was born from such great love. I feel so incredibly blessed to have known such love from family and to have grandparents, aunts, uncles, and cousins who care so much for each other. All the memories I have of our family are always happy. Even though us cousins have gotten older, there are still those strong bonds we developed as children that will keep us forever together. My mom always says that blood is thicker than water and since she is often right, this has proven true. Especially since I am so far away from home now.
I loved the stories she would tell me about growing up. Especially how even with such a big family there was never a feeling of being left out or unloved by any of the siblings. I hear so many stories from aunts and uncles about how you raised them and loved them so well and how much they love and respect you. Mom would tell me about how you were proud of us, grandchildren, for all the accomplishments we have done in our lives. To know that I have made you proud gives me such a feeling of accomplishment and sense of self-confidence. It makes me so incredibly happy to know that I have turned out a good person because of you and because of my family – mostly because of love. Without love there is nothing and I have known great love in my life thanks to you.
There is so much I respect about you and just knowing about the things you have accomplished in your life so far is amazing. When you speak people listen and respect you so much for your opinion. I have often been asked whom do I respect and admire most in my life and often it is you I think of besides my own parents as well. I may not have understood everything when I was younger, but as I grew older and watched more, I realized just what a strong family I come from.
I hope you get well soon and know how much I love you.

Chapter 3: Silly Vicki.. Nice Guys are for other girls

Of course I have to put in a thing on men! It's me for crying out loud.. bitter single hopless romantic that I am. haha. But anyway.. can I tell you how sexy nice guys are?! They always say nice guys finish last, but that's not true! I was talking to Jane the other day and just going on and on about how great nice guys are. There's something incredibly sexy about a guy who is just genuinely nice. The way they'll notice something about you and help you out without being asked and you know it's not selfish. There are too many selfish pepole in the world, not to say that you shouldn't be at least a little bit selfish. But when someone does something nice, it shows that they're thinking about you and caring about you. It's the little things, remember you asked to borrow something or telling you about something that they remember you're interested in. Or just the fact that they're nice to everyone and notice things, it makes a person feel special. :) And it defiantely shows a lot about the character of the guy. *sigh* However I don't think it's my time to have one yet, but I'll find one... someday.

Chapter 2: 'Tis the Season to Stop Bombing

Since I've been out here I've started to get more politically active. I love it. I wish I had started sooner. Too many Americans are apathetic and take for granted the power that we have as 'free' individuals. I don't think enough people realize the impact that the US has upon the outside world and the damages being done by our country upon others. It's amazing how much one person can do and help start and motivate others to do. It's our job to educate each other on what's going on and to bring out the truth. I'm glad to be actively involved in something I truly believe in. I really had no idea what was going on outside of my little world and although my world still exists, it's growing a little bigger. I have found this thirst for knowledge about what's going on in the world. There's so much out there that does involve me and you and I'm mad at myself for not having realized it sooner. Don't throw away the power and freedoms you have, use them to help others. It's hard sometimes, to go to these talks and lectures and anti-war demonstrations and hear people not really bashing America (more so Bush), but at the same time, the US has done some pretty nasty things. We have our faults, but it's still my home, so that pretty much means I should be trying to change the things at home so the US stops being so stupid sometimes. There are the good things too about the US and I haven't forgotten them. :)

Anyways, some things you might want to look at if you have a chance: The newspaper :) (not just American ones), Stupid White Men (book by Michael Moore), Bowling for Columbine (movie by Michael Moore on American gun culture.. really really amazing film).

Okay that's it for now on politics. :)

Chapter 1: Happy Thanksgiving!

So I've been up to quite a bit lately and haven't really had time to update this page, but here goes. Thanksgiving was uneventful as it didn't really seem like Thanksgiving without the paper turkeys and horns of plenty and posters of smiling pilgrims and indians that look like little kids in everyone's windows. But I was thankful for: my life and health, my family and friends, my new friends in England, my amazing housemates, being able to study abroad and not have to worry about money, everything i have that makes my life so much more comfortable, food and drink and basic living substances, being able to live without fear of being bombed, basic human rights, freedom, and most of all LOVE.

Being away from home can change a persons perspective. :)

Belgium

Wow.. where do I start? I went to see Grandmaster Flash last Thursday, for those of you who don't know, he's the 'daddy' of all hip hop DJ's. Sooo old school, which is exactly what he played. It was freaking awesome, songs from the 60s and 70s, I totally had a good time. Then this Russian DJ - DJ Vadim and Mister Thing came on and they were amazing! I wish I understood spinning and all that better because then I'd probably appreciate more what they were doing. Matt told me that they had won the world's DJ competition or something like that. There was this other group that joined them later called the Russian Percussion and they were great too. Totally different vibe and tune from Rhazel and Blackalicious. The singer was singing poetry, like spoken word and it was really cool.

Saturday I left for Belgium with my friend Grace. So here are the highlights: 45 min bus ride into town, 4 hours coach (bus) ride to the airport, 50 min flight to Charleroi airport near Brussels, 1 hour coach ride into center of Brussels, 1 hour train ride to Brugge, 20 min bus ride to hostel.. where we sleep for 9 hours. Played in Brugge, saw a Salvador Dali exhibit, got gyped out of food prices from following stupid 'Lonely Planet' Guide Book, but the food was worth the price.. so we ate very very well. Toured the old buildings of Brugge and the medieval areas around the city. It used to be a port city, until the port suddenly disappeared as the water receded and they turned to lace-making instead. Belgium is known for 5 things: lace, chocolate, waffels, fries, and beer. So then.. we get back on a bus to the train station, 1 hour train ride back to Brussels, metro ride to hostel, went the wrong direction, found the hostel, went back out on the metro to the grand place, ran into a group of Americans from Colgate University and managed to get two free waffels from them because they had too many.. whoo hoo! Here's some money coming back to us. haha. Went back to the hostel (during this day I'm progressively getting more and more ill.. my nose is running and I'm not feeling too well), I get a fever that night and sleep 9 hours, waking up every so often, we get up eat breakfast at 8am, I can't handle it, my body is aching, so I go back to sleep and Grace gets some fever reducers, I pop those and sleep for another 45 minutes and finally feel better. We check out and head back to Brussels, run into a Cathedral and a statue of a man with a dog, eat some more food, get back on the Metro and get to the train station, take the 1 hour coach back to the airport, the 40 min flight back to London, the four hour coach ride back to Brighton, the 30 min bus ride to Sussex university and I'm home!!!

Never been soooooooooo happy to see it. It was good to see my housemates again too, I missed them. :) I end up sleeping 28 hours in the last three days and two nights, so I stay up until 4 am, because there's supposed to be a huge meteor shower! It was absolutely clear.. up until the point we went out to look at it. So that sucked. We climbed up the huge hills behind our school and my socks got all wet, but I was still warm and we sat on plastic bags trying to peak through the gaps in the clouds. We caught a few, so that was cool. I finally managed to get out of all my wet stuff and crawl into a nice warm bed and fall asleep.

The End. :)

Chinese Food.. mmm

Last night was soooo delicious! I was totally missing home and chinese food, so over the week I planned this big chinese feast for Saturday night. My friend came over and we made egg rolls, wontons and her gyoza's as well. It took us three freaking hours just to prepare that all so it would be ready to cook later. Then more of my American friends came over and we started chopping and preparing stuff at 6:45. OMG.. sooo funny. We had bought all this stuff for fried aubergines (eggplants), stir fried spinach, stir fried courgettes (zuchinnis), chinese scrambled egg, chicken drumsticks (w/ my family's "secret" recipe), egg rolls, wontons, and gyzoa. We had both of our kitchens going in the house w/ me deep frying egg rolls and eggplants and all the other veggies and people downstairs doing chicken, rice and gyoza. Soooo delicious. It felt like being back home again. There's something about having a bunch of friends sitting together eating food together that just feels sooo good to the soul. I love friends and food, that combination always makes people soo happy. Haha. Yeah.. good times. I've got pictures if you want to see up in the England photo album!

just like home..

I come home from dinner last night and my housemate tells me he met the person stealing food from our kitchen. I was thinking.. what?!! He said he came into the kitchen and some guy was in there with a stocking over his head and they had a sqirmish and the guy punched Theo (who had a black bruise over his right eye) and then jumped out the window and took off. So at first.. I don't believe him but he says ask Tilly and then I go downstairs later and Peter asks me if Theo told me how he got in a fight. If you've seen a picture of Theo, he DOES NOT look like he'd ever physically fight anyone, much less win or anything like that haha.. I still love him though.. but yeah. SO gullible me.. I believe him all the way until today when I aske Noelle if he's lying or not. And she gets that look like I do when someone asks me the same question. Damn that boy! and darn me for being so stupid sometimes. haha.. it's just like being back at home and getting picked on! Apparently some things are universal.

Hip-Hop, You the Love of my Life

OMG! So my Halloween had to be the most incredible and funniest Halloweed I have every had!! (...besides that time when I was eight and dressed up like a bunny walking through the mall with my parents and getting loads of candy!..) So this is how it went. I wasn't sure what I was going to do Halloween, probably just kick it with some UC kids and sit around and do nothing. Well it turned out there was a Rhazel concert at this club in Brighton. My housemate, Matt, had an extra ticket and his friend couldn't go, so he asked if I wanted it. I said ~ cool, yeah sure, why not, Rhazel would be tight to go watch. I'm still afraid something is going to go wrong and the plans will be messed up and I'll end up sitting on my ass again. But it didn't and I get dressed up, it was a beautiful, "warm", night in Brighton and we get to the club. I look on the ticket when we get in and it says Blackalicious too!! All for £11!!! And this British rapper B'Twang was on as well, he was really good. So I spent the night dancing away to some awesome music and just having a freaking amazing time with my housemates!! So yeah.. that was my Halloween! Haha.. yeah I know.. I'm bragging. But hey, I'm finally having fun in England and being happy, so it's a good thing. :D

It's a snowglobe day

...only it's not snow, it's rain. Well traditional English weather is settling in. Gloomy, gray skies that make me feel like I'm in a snowglobe and the occasional spurts of rain, with a tease from the sun once in awhile. But all in all, I'm in a relatively good mood. :) Not sure why, I think visiting family rejuvinated me and I'm starting to feel more like myself. My confidence is slowly returning and I'm feeling more comfortable around my housemates and feeling much more like myself lately. I think it's because things are in a sense going somewhere. I find it easier to talk to my housemates without feeling so stupidly nervous and more is going on in my life... in a sense. I have essays and presentations to work on, which although stresses me out at least gives me something to do. I still go to the African, Caribbean, and Asian Society meetings, I've missed one though. It's not so scary if I have someone to go with. One of my housemate's, Matt, goes occasionally so I think I'll tag along with him. He knows people in the society, so maybe I can meet people through him. I went with him to a kickboxing class today, thinking it's a good idea to get some exercise... oh lord.. I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I'm sore and my arms and calves ache and I'm tired. But it was good for me, I was sweating, breathing hard and getting that heart pumping.. haha. It almost felt like I was getting beat up though, we had to partner up and hold punching and kicking pads for our partner.. mine was my housemate and he's a good 6 feet I think and weighs quite a bit because he's got muscle.. and here I am this 5'5" girl w/ hardly any muscles and he's kicking and punching the pads that I have to hold up.. oi!! So not only was I kicking and punching, but taking it too. Haha.. don't know if I'm going to go back, but it was good for laughs and exercise. Still no job.. yuck. Oh well, I'm still looking. Let's see what else.. oh my French/English housemate. Theo, cooked this declicious meal last night! Cream over baked potatoe slices and mustard chicken.. delicious!! It's french food according to him. I loved it, 9 of us, allsitting in our little hallway/landing area (because we have no dining room) and had candle light and ate sitting on the floor together, then we had cheesecake that I made afterwards for dessert.. YUMMY! hehehe. it's things like that, that make me feel more at home and happier. Food and Friends, always a good combination. I hope this good feeling lasts for awhile. I can do without feeling homesick, although I do miss my friends back home. I love you all!

you never realize what you have until it's gone.. or until you're far away.

blood is thicker than water

It's funny how that saying makes sense sometimes. When you really need people, no doubt you've got those few friends who would be there, but you've also got forever Family. It's great! My cousin was in London for a business trip and she couldn't have come at a better time. My homesickness was really getting to me and I got so frustrated with my landline and with trying to call my grand aunt and uncle I had a small breakdown. But it's okay now, they got through to me eventually, after I called my mom and had her call them to call me. I spend most of the weekend with them. I got to play in London with my cousin, which was totally fun, we had an awesome dinner of paella's and tapas at a Spanish place in Covent Garden and then we went to Leicester Square and had ice cream and coffee and stuff. It felt sooo good to see my cousin and we had such a good time. Her co-worker Emily was there and two of their co-workers in the UK office, Jon and Kalpesh, took us out. They were so nice and carried my bags as well... haha such gentleman. :) ahhh but yeah after that I met up w/ my uncle and aunt and my aunt took me shopping and showed me around a bit. I ate sooo much good chinese food, even freshly made dim sum! That's rare even for the US! It was so wonderful of them to take care of me for a bit, and of course I came home with loads of food. It's great. :) I love my family!

my first time...

Yesterday was a pretty cool day! I went shopping w/ some of my friends in brighton and got some incense and an incense holder because it smells like stale smoke in my room. Not that I've started smoking, but my housemates do and when we go out to the bars on campus there's smoke everywhere. I also picked up groceries and some flower for my housemate Noelle's birthday. the house went out last night to celebrate with her, which was cool cuz I got to hang out w/ some of my housemates and get to know them better. Finally my first time in a brighton club. We went to this place called 'enigma' and some event called phonic:hoop was there. It was like break beats, a little bit of funk, hip hop, and almost salsa-ish. I can't explain it, but it was pretty good and the beat was fun to dance too. It was kind of pricy for a brighton club though, £7 which is about $14-15 US dollars. Which to us is around normal for some clubs up in LA. Usually it's around £3-4 which is about $5-7 US. I really like the music scene in Brighton, it's supposed to be the second main place for music and the arts in the UK. De La Soul was here a few nights ago and Rhazel is supposed to come I think end of October. And it's the home of Fat Boy Slim who does a show here every July. I want to check out some more clubs sometime during the year and if anyone comes visit we can go out and have some fun. :D You can find anything from Salsa to Hip Hop to Drum and Bass to House to Jazz.. anything! It's great and there are so many shows, ballets, musicals, plays, puppetry of penis' and as students we usually get discounts. I love it! Can't spend too much money though, have to save for traveling.. I should find a job soon or something as well. Ah well.. I've got some time.

Well I better get back to school work.. getting into this whole school mode isn't easy. 5 years... is almost a year too long.

It's raining, it's pouring, and I'm planning away..

It started to rain on Sunday.. and rain it did. Loud, pouring rain, that will disappear two minutes later and then you might have sun for a few minutes, then a torrential downpour once again! It's crazy, it's insane! And not to mention the wind! When I was in town it was blowing like crazy sometimes and it would push you a certain direction then disappear completely. Sussex is in a valley with the "downs", don't know what they're called that since they're big hills, surrounding the school. So on my way to the computer lab I was being pushed around as well. But that is okay, because I'm warm and dry in my new jacket that's a big puffy, but it's great. Don't know what I'm going to do when it's WET AND COLD! We'll see.

I got a tourbook today, Lonely Planet's Europe on a Shoe String and I've been looking at the map of Europe on my wall! Exciting!! I'm trying to figure out where I want to go during winter break. There's so many places and so many people to visit. Too many some of my friends are leaving after December so I might not get a chance to go visit them. But yeah, so far I'm looking at the Czech Republic, Germany, Italy, Spain, France.. okay so the list goes on and on. I still have to study too!

So if anyone wants to come play in Europe! I'm here and I'm totally down, not to mention you can get a free nights stay and some free food if you come visit me! haha.

Puppetry of the Penis

No joke, there's two "well-endowed" Australia men who perform puppetry with their penis. They're supposed to be really famous and will be appearing on Jay Leno I think Wednesday night! Three of my friends and I decided 'why the hell not' and went to see their show last night. HAHAHAHAHAHA... I swear I'm not a pervert! Honestly I did not find anything erotic about it. It was rather hilarious though, watching two grown men, naked on stage, warming up their goods, wearing only some coverses and socks, folding their penis' into different shapes. Some of these include the lock ness monster, a sea urchin, a snail, a roller skate, the eiffel tower, a hamburger, and much more. It was an interesting experience and needless to say, I won't be hungry for hamburger any time soon. hehehe.

When I got back is was more fun at the house. Bebe gun, newspaper bat fights, deoderant spraying everywhere, and a fire alarm going off. At least my life's not boring. :)

Anyway, I just put up some new photos I've taken so check them out http://jadeheart.tripod.com/england/!

yay for cheese sponge sugar cake

It's been a good day today. :) I'm glad. I spend the day goofing around my room and taking pictures, which I would have posted right now if I hadn't left the disk in my room. Stupid me. Anyway, I went to Brighton today with some friends and we found the Marina. I thought there was a shopping center there because I remember seeing a drawing of it in a magazine. Again.. stupid me.. the reason it was a drawing was because it wasn't actually finished yet.. not til November. Oh well, we did find ASDA which is like the Walmart here! It's great.. YAY for ASDA! And then after I filled up my backpack full of food and stuff we headed over to another supermarket called Iceland.. devoted to frozen and chilled foods mainly. I got some icecream and then we went to Sainsbury and I picked up more stuff for cheesecake making. Aww yeah cheesecake. It just gave me a good feeling of accomplishment knowing that I can get around this place with relatively little problems. Carrying my trusty map of Brighton and the bus map I can get anywhere.. well almost, at least if I'm sorta lost I can still manage to find my way back to the University. hehe.

Then I go home to make cheesecake. Only I mess it up, sort of. I read 1/3 cup of sugar as 2/3 for some strange dumb reason. Don't know why, I obviously know what 1/3 is. Guess I wasn't paying too much attention. Anyway, so I figure no biggie, probably won't make too much of a difference, it'll just be really sweet.. Then this country does not have sour cream, well not like what we have in the states, and if they do, I don't know where it is and neither do my housemates. So the inside of the cheescake is really liquidy. Not to mention the butter and cream cheese they have hear aren't wrapped the same way it is in the US, with cup measurements on the outside.. so I'm guessing with that too. I figure what the hell, I'm this far into making this cheesecake, might as well continue. So I shove the thing into the oven and wait.. and wait.. I forgot how long it takes to make cheesecake, so I'm just waiting... and waiting.. and waiting for an hour and a half and finally it's done. I take it out and pop it out of this cake thing and before I can even let it cool, my housemates have all come downstairs. Which I don't mind because I made the cake for them anyway for always feeding me. So they all try it and I hold my breath, because it DOES NOT look like my normal cheesecake.. nor does it taste like it normally would. But it's a hit, they love it. :) I like it too. It's pretty yummy, just different. It's more of a sugar spongy cheesecake. Anyways, no worries as of right now. Things are great, I'm getting along with my housemates and getting more comfortable around them. They're wonderful and compared to my friends flatmates, I've got some really really cool ones! I think we're actually going to play a game like assassins too!! hehehe. Yay for cool roommates. Well I guess that's it for me so far. I do miss the people at home, but things are getting better here so it's not as lonely. Send me a word once in awhile, I'd love to hear a voice or read a voice.

Much love for family and friends. *muah*

i need a hug

Aww, I'm sort of homesick. I haven't had a hug in awhile, except from a drunk fellow UC student at a club one night. :) Haha. I miss hugs and I miss physical affection, I know that sound stupid. But I do. My flatmates get really friendly when they're drunk, they're a lot more fun to be around. Hehe. I'm going to try to party with them more because apparently when they go out to drink and party is how they get to know each other a lot better. They're also different on E than the people in the states I noticed. At parties in the US you'll see people lying on the group or massaging each other, but my flatmates took some and were just sitting there bobbing their head to music. Then again we were just sitting around in the house so maybe that's why. Anyways, so yeah.. that's about it. I'm working on getting to know them better, but something makes me nervous and scared. I feel like I'm always going to say and do something stupid. I think I need to get over that fear and just take it as it comes. I feel like they're all way smarter than me and they've seen a lot more of life and the world than Americans in general have. It's amazing! I guess I'm just intimidated. Anyways, I suppose it's still early. I better get to bed soon, although I still haven't had class yet..

only four hours of class a week.. on thursday.. all i do is eat and sleep so far.. i'm turning into a panda bear. hehehe.

i smell like garlic..

I swear I can't believe I'm here! It's absolutely incredible.. I'm LIVING in another country for a whole freaking year!! Scary to think about, but there is it. I'm here.. for the year. The weather has been nutty lately. I flew into London and was there for a three days and it was kind of cold. Needed a jacket. I had some great Indian food while I was there, compliments of the EAP office (which us students probably paid for anyway through out tuition and fees). Saw a play call the "daughter in law", it was weird and hard to understand considering they were speaking old english in english accents. I almost fell asleep. I also visited the Tate Modern, a museum of modern art, that was a lot of fun, really interesting. Let's see, I also wandered around London a lot, going to visit the stores and numerous "squares" of shops and stuff. I also went to Greenwich, where time begins and ends. You know that longitude line that starts off how time changes as you move around the globe! I was a big dork and took a picture of me standing over the line so one side of me is in one time zone and the other side is in another. haha. I'll upload it sometime maybe. I wonder if people there celebrate two new years.. when it starts and then when it ends.

After London I dragged my giant suitcase, duffel bag, travel backpack and laptop onto a taxi, off the taxi, into the train station, onto the train, off the train, onto a bus, off the bus, onto another bus and off the bus and then up some stairs and into my room. It was "great" fun. Brighton, the town I'm close too is 20 min away by bus, which isn't bad at all. I got lost the first time with my friend, so now I remember to bring the bus map. But over the last few days I've figured out how to get about. Their "beach" is not like California beaches for sure. Imagine our beaches.. covered in smooth rocks. Then you have Brighton Beach. It's like our sand blew up to the size of a large skipping stone. But it's still beautiful and sitting on the pier reminds me of home. The weather was beautiful when I go here, sunny and warm! And then two days later it rained and this morning everything was gray and wet and since I've been sitting at this computer the sun has come out again, so it's bright, but windy and cool outside. Yeah... no wonder weather's a topic of conversation here. The only topic I can really talk about sometimes with these people.

It's amazing to me how much knowledge the English and Europeans have!! They know so much and many of them have seen so much of the world by the time they're 18. Compared to us Americans they are so much more wordly. I know so many people who have never left the states and some of my flatmates have worked in other countries to make money as they traveled or taught English in third world countries. Absolutely incredible! And the information they know about other people's history and just general information is amazing. I need to start reading the newspaper more and more books so I can catch up with them.

I got my schedule finalized and I'm taking two classes, four hours a week total. I'm supposed to be receiving reading lists and then I have to pick books to go read on my own and do a lot of self-study. haha.. we'll see how that goes. I do need to pass though and graduate. These freshers.. all they have to do is pass the class.. so they're all about partying. I'm moderating myself, not to mention I'm tired and have gone through these "welcome week" acitivies three times before already. You know the whole been there done that type of thing. Maybe I'm getting old and lazy.. or just lazy. :) partying takes a lot out of you! Anyways, my flat mates are really cool and sweet. There are six girls and six guys, one of them is from France and another girl is part German, the rest are from around the UK. They're hilarious and very thoughtful people and we joke around a lot like I do with my friends back home. We all cooked dinner together last night and ate it together. We don't have a common room which sucks ass and our kitchens are tiny little things, but we managed. We fit 8 people into a kitchen where between the two counters on either side is only room enough for two of me to stand side by side. We cooked spaghetti bolonagease.. which is why I smell like garlic right now. It's still in my system. :) Well I guess that's all for now, I'm hungry and it's almost 1:30 here so I'm gonna head back to my tiny kitchen and make some food.

Bye for now!

counting down

T-minus.. uh.. several hundred minutes. Yeah I have about 8 hours before I have to leave the house and head to the airport, which means I can probably get in about a good 5 hours worth of sleep. I'm nervous and a bit scared and excited too. It's a strange feeling. Anyway, I keep feeling like I'm going to miss people and they're going to forget all about me. But I know that's not true, I am leaving gaps in people's lives just as they are leaving gaps in mine because of my absence. But distance makes the heart grow fonder. :) I will leave tomorrow knowing that I'm so incredibly loved by my family and friends. That I have people here who will always be there for me no matter what. It's an wonderfully warm feeling. I had a conversation with my friend Priya on the phone and she got me all psyched up to go. I love talking to her, she's already been abroad and her words infuse me with such energy because her passion for Europe and traveling shows in the way she speaks. I know I'm going to be okay, we humans have an incredible strength inside of us to deal with things. We often don't realize it though, but think about all the hard times you've gone through and made it to where you are now and although there will be more, you will get through those too. Look for the light. I've found mine, inside of me and in my family and friends and in the new friends I'm going to meet in England. People are such wonderful beings, you just have to find the wonderful. :)

what's the key to finding it? love

melodramatic

That's me, melodramatic, according to my friend Clay anyway. Although he didn't use those exact words, it's what he meant about the way I write. But I suppose he's right, when I write, things flow out of my more in emotions than in anything else, because that's usually what I think in. The way I feel. I supose most things anyone writes are colored by emotion. Anyway, it's my blog, so I'll write however I feel like, you can skim past all the boring stuff. :) I write to let go of things and let things out as well as let you all know what's going on in the my life. As boring as that is. At least next year, I can tell you all the places I've visited or "crazy" things I'm doing in England. haha.. yeah, if you know me and my "crazy" it probably won't be that exciting, but come by anyway. I'll try to think of something interesting to do just for you.

Besides, in everyone's somewhat self-centered lives it's always a drama.

I see in your future..

I just finished watching "life or something like it" and it got me thinking, about whether I really want to know what's going to happen in my future or not. My friend read my palm once and told me something about my future that didn't seem all that pretty and from the look on her face she was making it sound a lot nicer than it probably was. Then while I was in China my family had dinner with this monk who was now married and somewhat of a fortune teller. I won't say exactly what he said, but it followed along similar lines with what my friend had told me. Not exactly the same, but similar in a way. It was kind of scary, because if what they say is true, my future doesn't seem all that happy. Not that anyone is ever 100% happy ALL the time. Life always has it's ups and downs. But still.. if this is my future do I want it? Can I change it? Now that I know will something different happen or is it because I know that it will happen? I don't want to take too much of this to heart, because it'll scare me into not being able to live. Still.. when someone predicts and they are right most of the time it's a bit hard to ignore, not to mention the vagueness of his answers to my mother's questions about my love life don't help either.

But I worry that maybe I look for something that will never be, something too perfect in my mind and because of that I might pass by something that could have been so wonderful. But a small fear still holds me to my path. People have such power to hurt others and to be hurt by others, I don't want to be hurt or to hurt someone else. Maybe that's why I look for something too wonderful, at the same time I've seen things in front of me that are great, but something usually happens where it's just not the right time and it makes me wonder, am I making excuses? Or is it really just not the right time, or maybe not even the right person?

I'm waiting for it all to fit..hoping it will one day fit, worried that it won't.

peace of heart

it's almost 5 am and i'm suffering from jet lag. took a 5 hour nap today by accident and now i can't sleep. mostly because i keep thinking things. well trying to think of things anyway, so i can sort them out. but i've always been a person who felt my thoughts more than actually thought my thoughts. if that makes any sense at all. so many things are going through my mind right now that i can't even sort them out. i just feel it and it's driving me nuts. part of it is homesickness. odd considering i'm "home" in saratoga, i think it's because i'm missing souther california. it has been my home for the past four years, not just a place where i lived, but where i've "grown up" and it's where i feel most comfortable. i guess you could say my heart is there, most of it anyway.

on top of that, i'm leaving for England soon, 7 days to be exact. it's scary, i got my orientation packet today talking about welcome week at the university of sussex. i have to go through being a "freshman" all over again, normally this wouldn't scare me at all.. but having to do it in a completely new culture is a big frightening. it's exciting too though, but the excitment and fear has kind of scrambled itself all up inside me so that all i'm feeling is incredible nervousness and a pit kind of feeling in my stomach.

not all is bad though, this leaving has shown me who really does care about me and how much my friends are going to miss me and definately how much i'm going to miss them. i'm missing people already, but knowing that the love is still there keeps me strong and reminds me that i'm going to be okay. love is a wonderful thing and isn't just for couples, but between friends can produce amazing relationships. i thank the higher being for blessing me in my life with such wonderful people around me, who's little comments on AIM or a simple e-mail or phone call or text message, whatever it may be that sends their words to me warms my heart and calms my mind. :) thank goodness for loved ones.

So lately I've had all these thoughts running through my head, constantly. I don't always know what I'm thinking, so don't ask. I just know that they're there and bugging the heck out of me. I can't stand it anymore. It's worry, stress, happiness, fear, excitement, sadness, jealousy, joy... it's all so bittersweet leaving me feeling like i'm walking in a waking dream. All I do is eat and sleep all day, probably because my body can't handle all the noise in my head either, so it's either one of two options.. sleep so they are quiet or eat so I can think of something else. I spend a great deal of time watching the stupidest TV shows as well. Damn.. I better start clearing the mind or else I'm in BIG trouble. Tonight's random drive into the mountains helped a lot though. There's something to be said about alone time and just chilling with yourself. Funny, because I went to clear my head and sort things out and and instead nothing came to me, just peaceful calmness.. what a relief!

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. And a lot has happened during this time and a lot has gone through my head, is still going through my head.. and there will definately be more going through my head. I feel like my life is taking this huge turn, I'm almost out of school and even this coming year will not be in the same school or even the same country. It started out as an exciting adventure, applying for the study abroad program. There were a lot of papers to complete and write and people to see and I had envelopes floating all over and copies of things everywhere. As fate (I don't believe this was luck) would have it, I got accepted into the program and to my first choice school in England. So for the following year the University of Sussex will be my home. This was definately exciting news and did not get scary until the end of summer because my departure for England is fast approaching. This leaving the country for a year "thing" has definately been a catalyst for a lot of things in my life. Part of the catalyst has also been the fact that I have suddenly become aware of the fact that I am almost done with school and will shortly be leaving the safety of a well planned path for the "real world." Anyway, back to this catalyst thing. All my life, I have known how much a person with one word could impact my life. It's easy to know the impact someone has upon yourself, because you are the one feeling that impact. I have been blessed to know such great love from friends and it has turned my life around. To love is one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned and I still hang on to. I didn't realize that I was in turn impacting people, until I was getting ready to leave. Because I knew and felt that I was the one leaving and that I was the one who was going to be all alone without anything familiar in a country so far from home I took for granted many of my friendships. It didn't occur to me that my absence was going to make an emptiness in someone elses heart.

I spent this summer working SPOP and enjoying my last few moments of southern california sun before heading off to a cold, rainy, UK. It was absolutely amazing. I grew to love so many people and develop so many connections. I don't know how strong those connections are, but either way, the people who I have met this summer touched me in such an amazing way and so quickly. I told myself to leave for England "no strings attached" but it's too late. To love and give your heart to people creates a string and bond with that person. My heart is out there in hundreds of pieces to old and new friends alike. I have spent this last month saying "good bye" and it has to be one of the hardest things to do. It aches to know that I won't be seeing people I love for a whole year or feeling their hugs or hearing their voices. When I was telling this to a close friend of mine, he asked me "What if it didn't hurt? Wouldn't that mean people didn't care?" He's right, because this hurts so much I can leave known that I have something not many people have. I have lots of people to love and who love me and will miss me and who I will also miss. But I know in my heart, in the end I will be back in a year and they will be here and the love will be the same.

Thank God for Love.

friend management..

recently I realized I have pretty good time management. I'm on top of things, take care of my responsibilities and do what I plan to do. However, my friend management is another story.

oi.. it's july.. this is how busy i've been. well that and i can't get online because ATT suck and our cable modem is still on the fritz. But yeah, it seems like my life is just jam packed with constant activity and when there is no activity i'm so exhuasted i usually sleep. There's work and then summer school and then SPOP, not necessarily in that order. I should be doing a paper right now, I have to add 8 more pages to my rough draft due tomorrow and I need to read four more articles to help myself.. but whatever. I just wanted to put a note out there saying "HI". Although I don't think anyone really reads this stuff anymore, it's a nice place just to dump my day. I'm not sure I've got energy anymore, I feel like I'm running on very little sleep and a lot of love for what I do. I know I'm tried.. well at least I should be, but I don't really feel it until I stop and sit down, then it'll hit me. But hey.. how can you stop doing something you love. Life just feels good for me right now, and it's freaking great! I'll explain more later.. I can't tell I'm tired, because usually I don't ramble so badly and my thoughts are clear and fluid.. but since I've got stuff to do, I'm a mess :D yay me!

okay.. bye.

Wow.. May 30th.. already.. Craziness!! It's been over a month since I've posted and it's only because life just picked up and started running and I've been trying to keep up. SPOP has definately been taking up my time and the REACH project was too for awhile. But it turned out really really cool!! For those of you who came to see it, I really appreciate it because we worked really hard on it. I think we were all pretty proud of the exhibit. Let's see.. we'll play catch up with Vicki's life.. not that it's terribly exciting or anything. I'm getting closer to preparing stuff for England.. scary!! But I'm incredibly excited too, a new environment, new people, new types of stress.. yeah.. what can beat that.. ahhhhhh. I know next year will be up and down for sure, so make sure you write to me out there!! OR EVEN BETTER.. COME VISIT!! Yeah we'll go play in Europe.. come on.. you know you want too! So start saving up the money and vacation time so you can come visit me.

Let's see what else.. well duh.. SPOP. I have to say that my discussion group.. PEPPERONI NIPPLES!! are the best discussion group ever! You all are absolutely amazing and incredible and wonderful and I truly, honestly do love you all. We've still got the summer to go, I know SPOP can be kind of fun, intense, draining and crazy at the same time so if you ever need anyone to just chill with/talk with.. whatever I'm here for you (that goes out to all SPOP staffers)! Arrowhead was absolutely crazy!! Yeeeaahhh I hope everyone had a good time, I for sure did.. even though I did stress out a little.. it's the whole Asian mom thing. :) I'm only happy when other people are happy and I'm feeding people. hahaha.. so yeah you want dinner cooked for you.. just come to me, b/c most likely I'll do it. There's something about food that brings people together.. well that and alcohol I guess too. But alcohol isn't all that there is.. sober fun is possible. :D Trust me.. I know!! And for all the other people I still haven't gotten to know as well.. I look forward to it. :) So come chat me up or just chill w/ me.

Um... yeah so I think that's about it. still no boys.. well actually lots and lots of boys.. sorry I mean guys.. but you know how it goes.. smurfette syndrome, but damn if i don't appreciate all the guys in my life and all the girls. *muah*!

I think being sad has a lot to do with the way you see life. Therefore my theory is you can make yourself sad. Not that being sad is a bad thing, we need to be sad sometimes. But anyway, this is how I came upon this. Yesterday (i think it was yesterday) I had remembered something that made me sort of sad and I was going to write about it later, but today, I've forgotten what it was. All I remember is feeling somewhat sad yesterday over something, but since I've forgotten it I'm happy right now :) And that's even better! I sat here and tried to remember it when it dawned on me: why sit here and try to remember something sad, if you've forgotten about it, don't try to remember it. Stay with the happy feeling.

It amazes me how much people can change is such a sort time. It makes me wonder if that's who they were all along and it was waiting to come out, or if people develop completely new personalities... maybe it's a mixture of both. I can not deny my past and I wouldn't want to, I was who I was and it made me who I am today. There's still that big hopeless romantic geek inside of me and there always will be. I was just thinking about how I've grown closer to some people and apart from others and it's funny. I remember when I started out somewhat friends with this one guy and then he started to annoy me and was a bit of drama because our beliefs often clashed and yet all along we both want the same thing and understand each other a lot more than we think we did... and now we're better friends than ever. Sure our beliefs still aren't the same but at the same time he can understand what I want in love so completely.. and yes our relationship is platonic. :) but yeah he came over the other day and played me a song that made him think of me and I really appreciated it. I was just listening to it and yeaup I've come to that place in life where "I wanna always feel like part of this was mine. I wanna fall in love tonight." -(Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chorus"). Thanks Eric.

WOW.. April!
I can't believe it. I spent Spring Break is SPAIN! It was absolutely amazing and beautiful there! The people were so friendly and the architechture was gorgeous. I was getting cranky at LAX though. I got there at 2pm, my flight was supposed to leave at 6:25.. we didn't leave until 11:00pm. There was something wrong with the AC which is supposed to keep us alive and give us air.. so yeah a good part to have working. Anyway, missed my flight in London, caught another and finally got to Madrid at 10:35 their time. That was a little over 24 hours of travel time for me. UGH. But it was wonderful to land and see Priya sitting on the railing like a little kid hehe.. she got stuck and almost fell off it. We went to Sheetal's place and had this really really yummy dinner cooked by her roommate. We left for Granada the next day and partied there, went out to bars and stuff. We shopped a little, had delicious falafel, tea, listened to some flamanco music. We also saw La Alhambra, this beautiful Mosque there, I've got pictures. It used to be a palace and it's just beautiful, the buildings are so delicate looking, w/ a lot of arch work and ponds, fountains and windows. Then we took a bus to Sevilla.. not knowing where we were going to stay that night, luckily at the bus station we found a guy who was renting out rooms. So we ended up staying with this sweet, cute old woman in her apartment. Sevilla is gorgeous too! We saw Plaza's (the Plaza d'Espagne is amazing!), churches, and processions.. lots of processions. It was Holy Week (semana santa) over there. There are these people wearing KKK looking outfits to hide their identity from all but God, for being penitent. There are hundreds that march ahead of this platform with a statue of the virgin mary crying and candles on it and a band behind it. This goes all all day from early afternoon to early morning.. like 12 hours a day for the whole week. Beautiful though. Again more bars, clubs, tapas mmmm. Then we went to Madrid and Sheetal showed us around, we went to some cool bars and a hip hop club and went shopping a bit and enjoyed Spain. So yeah, quite amazing.

I totally felt refreshed to come home. Probably because I was excited for the new quarter too! There's SPOP and friends and the summer to look forward to before I leave next year.. that's scary to think about. But right now life is GOOD.. and i'm going to enjoying it. There's no drama in my life as of yet, I know some will find it's way in later, but right now everything's good. :)

I'm contemplating cleaning my bathroom right now, the toilet and the shower could use a good scrubbing.. why am i contemplating this? Well finals are next week and this 8 page paper is going no where despite the fact that the topic is something I'm really interested in. I'm not too worried about the two other finals that I do have, because I've been pretty much on top of the reading (snoozing away on the books.. haha j/k) and I've been going to lectures (despite the fact that one of the teachers has to be one of the most boring women on earth, cheesy as hell (that's a good thing), but she's really into the topic so it was nice to see the enthusiam.. didn't save lecture though. So yeah.. in case you can't tell I'm procrastinating now. My paper is somewhere floating around behind this window I'll get to it later. Anyways, speaking of school, the other day I was at my friend Dustin's place with two other of my friends and we all got to talking, seriously talking about issues today. It was strange, but nice to actually have intellectual conversations.. I remember a time in high school when the conversation was dominated by the topic of boys and perhaps what we were going to do that weekend, occasionally school. Not saying I don't talk about that stuff now, I do, but intermixed into it now are conversations on diversity, LGBT issues, women's issues, politics, religion and more.. I guess it is a sign that we're growing up. Somewhat scary and at the same time exciting.. knowing you do have power in knowledge.

By the way congratulations to those who made SPOP staff this year! :) We're going to have fun. And to those who didn't make it, there's a reason for why things happen, if you can try out again because I know there's a lot of dope ass people that should be on staff who may not be this year. Okay.. I guess I'll take a look at the paper again.. wheeee... good luck on finals everyone.

i came to the conclusion today that i'm jealous.. jealous of the people who go out there and get fucked up on alcohol and have such a raging good time. it's not so much as i'm jealous that i can't, because my weak sauce ass can't handle the alcohol.. i'm jealous because once a person is slightly faded, or even drinking they're part of a group. a group that i'm often left out of because they look at me and go.. oh you're sober.. and don't talk to me as much. i'm not sure if it's because they think they're going to do something stupid or look stupid in front of me, or what. but then again there are those people who i can hang around and who when they drink and i'm still sober we still have an awesome time! those are usually my good friends, the ones that don't pressure me to do anything and don't care how stupid they look in front of me.. and i have to love them for that. but yeah. it just sucks sometimes because i've had people look at me and say "HOW DO YOU HAVE FUN SOBER?!" i just do. if you're a cool bunch of people i'm going to have fun no matter what, it's all about who you're comfortable with. doesn't mean i don't drink.. i do sometimes.. i just have to really be in the mood for it and with good people. i can see why people have more fun faded.. cuz your inhibitions go down and the world softens and gets warmer and "nicer".. as long as you're not on the edge of getting sick.. believe i know all the aspects of drinking.. probably because i have a knack for going through every stage in about two hours if you get a shot into me.. haha but please try and understand that there's sober fun too. alcohol is only a drink.. and if that's all i had to rely on to have fun.. my life would seem somewhat empty.. anyway.. that's how i feel.. to each man his own. :) i'll just be in the corner w/ a few good friends.

so this little thing happened to me today, it was so small.. like a 'hello' but it totally made my day!! and i got to carry that with me for the rest of the day and it just made me feel good all over. funny how such a little thing, a little word or action can make such a HUGE difference in someone's life. so do some little nice thing, it might just make someone's day a lot brighter and sweeter.

*cough cough cough cough cough hack cough gasp for breath cough cough cough* yeah so that's pretty much how it's going right now. the weekend before you can add a really runny and stuffy nose to that too. *cough cough* i think my lung is around here somewhere and my throat too.. darn it. oi. i need to get better FAST because this sickness is totally slowing me down! i don't feel like doing anything, studying, working out, nothing.. ugh.

so i have this dream where i'm with this guy and we're haning out and i think we get together and it's all peaches and cream and then he turns to me and i hear him so clearly say to me "i love you", i can't remember if i said something to him.. it might have been "thank you" but it was strange.. because this situation would probably never ever happen in real life because i don't know him that well. i wonder what it means.. hmmm but it left me with a strange feeling when i woke up, and i tried to remember if anyone (who wasn't a friend or family member) ever said that to me outloud..

okay so most guys think girls are drama right? i'd have to agree with that, we are, well we can be. but it isn't completely our fault alone, guys have to take some of the blame too. my friend was telling me about the drama she's having with her ex boyfriend.. how it still seems unclear where they stand. and then he does something that confuses her even more and when she straight up asks him what's going on he says that he did it because he thought she wanted it. that's what i'm talking about, mixed signals. boys! there are appropriate times to do stuff when you think its what we want, but if you're the ex.. then don't do it at all! it's only going to confuse us, and i have to tell you, if you haven't already noticed, females will nit pick and over analyze everything guys say and do (well most girls, i can't speak for all women). so this is to all people: say what you mean and mean what you say, same goes for actions.. i promise that i'm working on not over analyzing things and maybe learn to be a little braver while i'm at it.. can't let guys do all the work now can i? ;)

i'm waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower right now so we can grab some lunch and go to school to pick some stuff up.. so i thought i'd write a bit before heading out. it's so warm here!! high 80's, feels like low 90's almost, it's wonderful. i'm in my bikini and plan to kick it on the beach and boardwalk today.. which is right outside my house. :D muwahahahaha.. awww yeah. i'm a summer baby which is probably why i love warm weather more than cold... so then why the heck am i going to england next year to study!! where summer weather requires a long sleeved shirt still!! yeah.. i got accepted to the university of sussex.. i have to admit i'm excited, but i know i'm going to be incredibly homesick too.. so you lovely friends of mine out there, save up your cash and vacation days and come see me! please!! i'm going to be so lonely :( hahaha hopefully not.. i'd like to think i can make friends anywhere i go.. well we'll see next year. okay i'm off for now. peace out and have a great day!

i find it strange, that no matter how much i have changed over the years.. i'm still really the same person.. deep down inside i haven't changed that much. i still see me in everything i do and feel...

it's really nice to know that someone out there is listening, :) especially when it's a friend (thanks Ameer!).

funny, just to read comments can brighten my day. i guess it really is the little things... just to know someone is listening.

in one of my really sad periods.. a friend once told me that time would heal everything and that slowly i would start to forget the saddness and hurt until one day i'll be doing something and i'll remember that sad period and think "huh.. haven't thought of that in awhile" and it will just leave me with a memory of an ache.. and that's it.. he was right.

argh! so my DSL keeps having issues with itself or something, I don't know what. But it'll continually log me off repeatedly!! darn stupid thing... *sigh* at least I'm thankful I have it :) as much as I do complaing about it.

i signed up with YACCS so you guys can now comment.. let's hope this works.

it's scary how vulnerable we can become as people.. just by caring about another person.

OMG.. ANY PREDOMINATELY HETEROSEXUAL FEMALE WHO HAS EVER HAD HER HEART BROKEN MUST WATCH.. "SOMEONE LIKE YOU".

my roommate has been trying to get me to watch this movie.. which she first thought was titled "hanging on".. but it turned out it was "someone like you".. and it is totally one of those movies where if you have ever had your heart broken you totally can relate. well most of us heart broken, over analytical females can..

anyway so i started thinking.. remember actually.. a time when i trusted someone with everything i had, because i wanted to. trust is such a small word that carries with is a meaning we cannot even begin to understand the effects that it has upon us and how deeply it weaves into our lives. to break that bond is one of the most hurtful and painful things that can happen to a person. a broken trust isn't so easily healed and it affects every interpersonal relationship that comes after it. i didn't begin to understand this word until i experienced it myself.. and it cut so deep it's still has a strong grip on how i see things now.

when it first happened i remember being so fiercely angry and so desperately sad all at the same time. i wanted to understand why this had happened to me, was it because all men are bastards, assholes, and jerks? ...no... well yes.. at first that's what i kept thinking, no man could do right ever, not ever again, they would just screw up some how and i think that's when i started to get even picker about guys then i already was, or maybe i've always been picky (there's theory developing for that one too).. but i realized it wasn't about guys (thanks to my male roommates who made me realize some things).. it was about me. I'm the one in control of how I think and how I feel.. no doubt I still will have trouble trusting men, but at least i'm walking in an upward direction now and not down. So "no" not all guys are like that, granted sometimes even good guys screw up (i've learned that the hard way). Honestly.. i think most of them want the same thing we all want in the end.. (or beginning, depending on how you look at it). We just want someone to love us for who we are inside and think that we are the most beautiful thing (even if we look like shit). It's that loving a person on the inside that makes them beautiful to you no matter what. When you look at someone and think "God.. I love that person because" of something they do, who they are, what they look like in YOUR eyes, it feels so amazing and to know that you're being looked at like that too.. I'd like to believe that someone out there looked at me like that once and maybe i'll find it again someday.. i say maybe because it's still too hard to say when. but i guess that's why no one can ever really explain love ... because it is that amazing and wonderful.




i would end it there.. seems like a good place to end it, but nothing ever truly ends.. and if you noticed my thoughts tend to run all over the place. and here i'm trying to write as i think, so too bad for you (sorry if it does get hard to read.. but hey you asked for me and you got me). so anyway, back to this love thing.. over the past few years i've learned a lot about love and i have no doubt there's more learning involved in my lifetime. loving your friends can be just as amazing, it's like a small part of loving a significant other... and it helps.. when you have friends who do love you for who you are and you can see it when they look at you and show you.. i guess they help keep my faith in love alive.. because if i can love them, i can love again and be loved in return. life's not always about dark cynical experiences, it's about how you get out of them and make them something new and alive and beautiful..

Happy Valentine's Day!

.. so since i have never had a valentine, for valentine's day i figured i'd take this day to celebrate loving people in general.. afterall love is love. so a big THANK YOU (which i know will never be enough) to those people out there who have touched my life, and loved me so unselfishly and with everything they had just because i was me.. i know i have been truly blessed because there have been a lot of those people in my life.. i love you!

sometimes it's hard to accept something for what it is, and not what you want it to be.

can you really like someone if you don't really know them that well?

anyway so i think i'm getting sick again.. which sucks major fat bananas. my throat was sore and still is sort of and i either dreamed or was awake but feeling like i had body aches and a headache and really warm all over and uncomfortable. i think it was a dream though too because an old boss was in the dream and a car and this weird futuristic town that sort of looked like london.. anyway i've been drinking lots of tea and lemon/honey water and i made chicken soup today from scratch.. mmmmm sooo good. i even worked out still, but i think that left me feeling more tired. i feel like my mind is elsewhere and i'm still waiting for it to come back. i honestly don't know where it went, but it's definately not here.. so i actually don't know who's typing to you right now. and by now you are probably thinking what does this whole paragraph have to do with what i wrote way up there.. well nothing. and i'm going to leave it at that.. hahahahaha... sorry.

i remember the memories.. but the feelings have started to fade away and it's harder to remember what it felt like.

i was looking around.. cruising the internet and just following links from page to page. these were all personal homepages and as i looked at the titles and phrases on each page they started to run with a theme almost. every page had words upon it that talked about how life was so bittersweet. even my own title was created because of a sadness i once felt. funny, how happiness is hardly written about, we just enjoy it. but sadness, depression, rejection, bitterness, anger.. are written down, shared in ambiguous and yet soulful words sung from a keyboard in a room that is at that moment the most lonely place on earth. is this how it is with every generation, sad words sung in poetry and music woven into a place for all the world to see.. and perhaps someone to notice and understand? i suppose misery really does love company, it's easier to share your sadness with another person.. but i think we do it, because "sadness shared is sadness halved and happiness shared is happiness doubled"..i forgot who said that.. but it does hold some truth to it. it's easier to bear a burden with others there.. and so to all my soul bearing peers out there, you're not alone, we have each other.

can you be in love with someone if they're not in love with you?

There are times when I just want to say 'fuck it' go for it, but then fear factor holds you back..couldn't you just give me a sign?

bananas.. they're great.

but anyway what i have been thinking about lately are guys.. haha.. okay so i think about guys a lot. what else do you expect from a single 21 year old female? anyway. straight guys this is for you.. you want to know what turns a girl on? what makes them swoon for you? what makes you just that much hotter to us? BEING NICE (sincerely nice). that's it. that's all you have to do. be nice.. in a sincere way. My roommate and I were talking the other day about how hot a guy looks to us, when they do something nice. (Like help you up when you fall on your ass while snowboarding). You're not taking away our need to be independent or being to gentlemanly.. it's just about being nice to another person.. and damn if that isn't freaking hot! When a guy is truly sincere and not some jerk who plays girls, that's freaking hot.

I know guys are just as scared of girls as we are of guys. The fear of rejection, of opening yourself up to someone.. becoming vulnerable to them. There are days when I just want to say, "damn i think you're really attractive, want to go out with me?" Of course, that will never happen. My pride and the fear of tremendous embarrassment is going to stop me way before those thoughts even leave as a whisper on my lips... which I suppose doesn't help if the guy is just as shy. Oh well.. maybe one day, I'll grow some extra guts and just go for it. Until then.. I'll do some far away admiring and stick to being friends.

But for now I still have faith in love, all these years and having gone through heartaches and heard stories of other heartaches, I still believe in the stupid thing... love. Thanks to friends mostly. It's funny, because if you think about it, when you love someone they are that much more beautiful to you. I don't mean just loving a significant other.. I mean loving anyone. Think about it and try it.. when you're looking at a friend you love and care about deeply.. maybe you might find beauty you didn't realize was there before. And just remember that when someone who loves you looks at you, they're seeing someone beautiful as well.

Guess that's enough babbling for now.. night.

my goodness it's february already! i can't believe it. so yeah.. you know what that means.. valentine's day is coming up. ugh. i've never had a date on valentine's day.. in fact i don't htink i've ever really had a date. not one that was "official". i suppose this valentine's day is going to be no different. but hey.. at least there's one thing to celebrate.. my roommate's birthday! yup he was born valentine's day. so that makes the day not so bad anymore. but yeah, if any hot guys out there want something to do on valentine's day, i'm free to kick it :)

so i was thinking about what to write since i haven't written in awhile.. and it was funny, because numerous thoughts came to my head. but the idea of writing some of these on this online journal scared me. because some stuff is really personal and to put it on such a public and at the same time strangely private space was intimidating. what will i allow myself to share with the world and my friends and what do i want to keep a secret only for those i trust? i guess a lot of thoughts that seem interesting enough to write about also require me to trust the reader and with internet.. who knows who's reading. guess if you want to really know what's on my mind you'll have to ask.. and if i trust you enough, you'll know. :)

so i've been working out a lot lately, my goal is to at least make this last six weeks. :) and i have to admit, working out feels GREAT! it helps me relieve most of my stress and frustration and excess energy since i'm not doing anything else lately. so yeah off to the ARC i go.

Whoo hoo I went snowboarding yesterday! It was greeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaattttttttttttt. Although I'm still learning how to carve.. there's that fear of falling down that still stops me and the speed. But I realized I'm a person who needs to take their time at things like this. I need to get comfortable with it then I'll be okay. But I still have the rest of this season to practice :D so there's still time yet to get it down. But yeah, two of my HS friends from Santa Barbara came down and we all went. It was cool. Funny to see how we've changed throughout the years and how our thinking has changed.

Bathwater-no doubt

You and your museum of lovers
The precious collection you've housed in your covers
My simpleness threatened by my own admission

And the bags are much too heavy
In my insecure condition
My pregnant mind is fat full with envy again

But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Wanted and adored by attractive women
Bountiful selection at your discretion
I know I'm diving into my own destruction

So why do we choose the boys that are naughty?
I don't fit in so why do you want me?
I know I can't tame you...but I just keep trying

'Cause I love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
I'm on your list with all your other women
But I still love to wash in your old bathwater
You make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

Why do the good girls always want the bad boys?

So I pacify problems with kisses and cuddles
Diligenly doubtful through all kinds of trouble
Then I find myself choking on all my contradictions

'Cause I still love to wash in your old bathwater
Love to think that you couldn't love another
Share a toothbrush...you're my kind of man
I still love to wash in your old bath water
Make me feel like I couldn't love another
I can't help it...you're my kind of man

No I can't help myself
I can't help myself
I still love to wash in your old bathwater

Okay so it's a new year and new things have started.. like school.. and preparing to do commencement ceremonies. I'm not actually graduating, just walking, since I'll be in England next year. Whoo hoo! Still trying to find a job.. blech and just move on with life. Not that it's going anywhere. I don't really know where it is going actually, I just keep moving with it. Been thinking about my future a lot, I'll be leaving school for real soon.. what the hell am I going to do? where am I going to go? I really want to stay in Southern California, over the last three and a half years, it has become home to me. I'll always love Northern California, but So Cal has become sort of a sanctuary to me, it's now part of me too. A big part, since I did a lot of "growing" here. A hell of a lot. So we'll see what happens.