Embrace and Detach

"What I'm doing now... is detaching myself from the experience."

Detaching Yourself?

"Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important - not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach... You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you like it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion - love for a women, or grief for a loved one... If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the greif. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say. 'All right I have experience that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

-tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom pg 103-104



I somehow learned that love was one of the greatest feelings and emotions on earth and that if I loved, I would be loved in return. But this is also how I have come to know "goodbyes" so thoroughly as well. I have been so blessed in my life with the people who've I've encountered through the years and who I've established long and deep friendships with. I think someone was watching out for me. Perhaps I didn't realize it but it would give me the support I would need when the good byes got to be too much for me to bear on my own. I haven't ever had to break up with many people, but I have had to say my fair share of goodbyes.

Goodbyes weren't so hard before. I'd embrace it and feel it, cry and hug those I was leaving. Promising to keep in touch even though it was difficult, we still try. But at least most of those moments during the time we had with each other helped create a great relationship that would let me come back and pick up where we left off. So the goodbye would come, but I knew there would be more moments of love and joy. I let myself love people as completely as I could because the returns are always greater and it's so much easier to trust and love than be bitter and mean. I guess I was addicted because for my whole life, the more I gave love the more I received it. You couldn't go wrong. Even the goodbye's still couldn't stop me from loving.

It helped because I still had my own source of never ending love from my family, parents, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, "aunts", "uncles", long time family friends, etc. My parents love for their children helped raise happy, loving kids who learned to give to others and to love others. I learned to see people for who they are and for loving them for who they are. Things were wonderful and I almost had the perfect family. But then one of those sources, a major one, my mother passed away. Suddenly it's become harder and I felt I couldn't love like I did before, but I was wrong. I still do, but what's changed now is how I deal with goodbye's.

I'm still trying to learn how to grieve. I don't want to hang onto this anymore, I've let myself cry, but yet it still doesn't seem to be enough. Will I be crying for the rest of my life? My friend did some research to help me after my mom passed and she read that although it seems like I'm spirling downwards, it's really just me letting go more and more. So I've taken that advice to heart and I'm trying to get it out. I know I'm lucky I have safe people to cry to, who will let me cry and who I can share my pain with, but it still feels like never ending pain. Especially when new goodbye's come up, it feels like new pain layered on old pain. Suddenly I'm back in a whirlwind of feelings of pain, hurt, loss... I've got the embracing the emotion part down... but how does one detach and leg it go?

What's going to happen in the future if I can still love, but I can't let go of my goodbye's.

vous aviez l'habitude de dire la bonne nuit à moi presque chaque nuit

i feel like Charlie Brown

Can I help it? I was taught to love with my whole heart.. I can't just turn it off.




click for a larger version

everything sounds prettier in french

je veux pleurer quelque part sûr et chute endormie à côté de vous que je veux rire jusqu'à ce qu'il blesse et j'oublie la douleur à mon coeur. je veux aimer et être a aimé pour le reste de ma vie - la même personne.

kicked when you're down

sometimes you hit low spots and you don't think it could get any lower.. but it does. almost doesn't hurt anymore since you're already there.

don't forget your momma

it's a hard day to get through.. i love you mom!

as much as your mom nags you and you sometimes can't stand her, image if that was all gone... for the majority it'll be the most heart breaking even you'll ever go through.. so give her today, call her, spend time with her, tell her you love her.

old men's club

I'm sitting in the midst of a not so secret society of men. A group that formed after the passing of my mother made their group of friends
sharply aware of life's fragility. It felt like this change where they
realized they were getting older and were losing the time to life for
its moments. I remember when my 'uncle' stood up and proclaimed the first saturday of each month to be the gathering time for the 'old man's club'.

Thus it was a born - a gathering time for laughter, drinking (wine, beer, liquor, tea) and eating good food, while enjoying each others
company. Meetings aren't mandatory, anyone is welcome irregardless of race or sex. The language of choice is chinese, but translations go on for those who don't understand. My grandfather is the oldest and a well-respected and admired man. It was until recently that I've really come to realy know this quiet man.

They reminisce, they joke (I understand about half), there are stupid sexual innuendos, more laughter, talk about family, talk about friends, politics, more food and wine and a lot of poking fun. Occasionally an interjection by a girlfriend/wife/daughter attending will occure, usually to best the men with some witty comment. It a feeling of revelry and comraderie and it feels good just to sit in surrounded by these good feelings.

These are men who are enjoying life to its fullest right now. Men who understand life is short and have found a way to collect the moments.
So that when that day comes, whern we pass on, they'll say - I can die
happy, I've lived.

wouldn't it be lovely

...to quit my job and move to Italy to learn the language and go to culinary school over there. Hopefully study with the owner of this wonderful restauarant in Florence where this Italian mama adopted our family for 3 hours, where I had the best meal I had ever had in Italy and it was good times with the family. Then I could open my own cafe in a city by the sea, my friend said he would come and sell flowers or rent bicycles to the passing tourists. It sounds so romantic and I don't mean the between two people type of romance, but the romance of life. How it should be lived, breathing in and out and living in the moment.

My mother had told me on that trip that if I wanted to become a chef that she would support and sponsor me to come to Italy to learn. She had always wanted to open a restaurant later in life and this woman could cook! Anything from complicated Chinese dishes to Italian calzone to French casseroles.. she was amazing! And I still miss her lamb chops! Our family had such a great time that trip, never realizing it would be our last as a whole family and it was wonderful. I realize now how much I am like her, we both had two sides to ourselves, the logical side that wanted/wants a good high-paying job to support our family (I never doubt that I will have children of my own) and the romantic side that loves to travel and dreams of abandoning all logic for passion.

However, instead of even taking steps towards something like this, I'm sitting in a gray cubicle (why is it always gray?), clacking away at my keyboard with a pile of envelopes that need stuff to my left and unfinished work to my right, with a GMAT book tucked under my desk to study later... still dreaming of Italy, wondering if I should abandon all logic and give into passion.

I suppose one could always try... at some point eh?

Whatever Gets You Through Today - RADiO (Grey's Anatomy Soundtrack)

Someone said today,
There's no other way
Of playing....

But I'll find a way,
I'll find another way
Of saying....

All the time we have for life,
Thinking 'bout the lives we had
Together....

Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today

Sometime yesterday,
There was another way
Of dreaming....

But there's another way
You don't have to be a hero....

God, it's not easy
There's a lot to keep you holding
On forever....

Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today
Whatever gets you through today

Whatever gets you through today (x12)

it may be your last

hug, kiss, or the last words you say to someone and sometimes you just never know. Would it make a difference if you did?

One of my volunteers who had a stroke a few months ago, passed away on Monday. I'm trying to remember the last time I hugged him, because he gave great hugs and had a wonderful smile. It made me think about the last words I had said to my mother and how often I wish it could have been more. I would say 'I Love You' every night I saw her, knowing there was a slight chance it might be the last. Although I was mostly in denial, I honestly thought she would get better. But I didn't want that to be the last, I wanted to have more conversations and I couldn't. For some reason, I couldn't bring myself to talk much to her when I sat in the hospital with her and I regret every minute of it. Had I known, I would have let myself cry in front of her and talked until I had no more to say and still would have talked more until my voice was dry and cracked.

I still don't always tell people everything I'm thinking. I only tell them what I think they need to know and only if I mean it. Although if one were to ask, I wouldn't lie. I always tell people I love them now (if I do) and mean it when I say it. I always try to hug them before I leave because you never know, it may just be the last and I'll always want to remember it. Memories start to fade with time, but at least for a short while I can hang on to it.

Scott AFB, IL and St. Louis, MO

So it wasn't the most glamours vacation (considering all I've been thinking about is Hawaii and France lately).. but it was a pretty great vacation. I decided that after the volunteer appreciation dinner I needed a break so I went to go visit some friends in Illinois. I flew into St. Louis and John picked me up from the airport. Boy was it warm! Thank goodness! I had enough rain and it felt nice to feel sun and see sun and wear tank tops and flip flops instead of rain coats and boots. We grabbed some food and just caught up, hung out w/ some of his military friends and just relaxed. On the way home we picked up Whitecastle burgers.. I was so excited!! They're just as tasty as I imagined and the chicken rings covered in cheese.. so good. I love food.

The next day we took a tour of the Anheuser-Busch factory in St. Louis with two of his friends. It was pretty interesting, granted a lot of it looks like the same stuff I see in most beer factories. Guiness is a little bit different, but still interesting. It was fun to see the clydesdales, they're beautiful horses. We also encountered a sleepy cat that looked like it had dipped into one of the barrels of beer. Good times, quick tour, then off to TGIF's (there's no real St. Louis food apparently) and a short nap then.. bowling! Ah yes.. the favorite blue collar sport of everyone. I bowled a 143, not bad, my highest thus far has been 145. I sent the picture to my friends in England, we're having a contest right now to see who can bowl the best.. Peter's winning with 150 I think. Afterwards, we ordered Chinese food (they deliver!!! I wish there were more delivery places in Nor Cal). Poor John, the moment they got here, a thunderstorm hit so he had to drive out and quickly exchange money for food. It was amazing, one minute it was nice and all of a sudden, crack, boom, pouring rain. I loved it. I wanted to go run around, but I don't think it would have been appropriate and they may have locked me up (j/k). Not a bad night, we putzed around on computers and watched TV. My brother laughed and asked if I couldn't have done that at home.. it's not the same though. Because at home I'd still be thinking about all the stuff I should be doing, like cleaning the house, etc. This way.. all I'm doing is having fun. Plus I hadn't seen John since my mom's funeral and that was over 2 1/2 years ago!

Monday.. went to see the St. Louis arch, it's pretty amazing. I learned quite a bit there and took some amusing pictures with stuffed animals. In order to get up to the top you have to travel in this pods that only hold 5 people and look like they came out of a 1960's space movie. I hit my head twice inside, once on the way up and you think I'd learn something... but no, once again on the way down. The view was pretty from the top, although it was mostly buildings, trees, lots of greenery and the occasional water tower. St. Louis.. not exactly glamourous. Then more fast food, computers, and TV. Yes I know.. we're terribly exciting. Actually we did rent two movies - Turtles Can Fly and Fun with Dick and Jane, Turtles Can Fly is an Iraqi/Iranaian film about these kids and what happened right before the war. Pretty interesting. Really sad too though. Fun with Dick and Jane was pretty amusing, good thing we saved that one for second.

Tuesday.. THE ZOO!! I love animals and happened to look up things to do in St. Louis and spotted a brochure.. so the zoo it was. Plus it's free and nothing beats free. We oogled fish, turtles, frogs, zebras, hippos (those are awesome), rhinos, elephants, monkeys!!, and quite a few large cats. It was freaking cold that day.. weird.. one day it's 70 and the next day it was 50. We trotted through the zoo pretty quickly and went to eat... where? the old spaghetti factory! I don't think it tastes quite as good as the one in Newport Beach, but then again I was a poor college student who happened to live across the street. Might have been more fun coz Mike was working there at the time too. Good times. Headed back and more computers and TV. My friend Todd drove down from Champaign which was nice of him. Poor guy was sick and still came down to see me. The three of us chatted and watched reality TV.. again terribly exciting aren't we. :) It felt good though, I laughed a lot this weekend and it was great to see the two of them. It's nice to know that even after years of not seeing friends you can still just jump right back into that relationship.

Anyway, if you read all of this.. wow. I'm surprised.. this was a pretty boring blog, but I didn't want to forget the stuff I did. Check out my smugmug site for pictures, Illinois 4.22.06-4.26.06.

recovering grief

Today I went to my first funeral since my mom and my grandma passed away. My hula sister lost her second grandmother a little over a week ago and when she sent out the information I decided I wanted to be there to support her. It wasn't until later that I realized I hadn't been to a funeral service since October 2003. I tried to remember what it was like for me those two weeks and I honestly don't really remember. I can vaguely remember what I was wearing, I know the walls were brown and I remember what they looked like in the box. I remember following people and hugging them, I don't know if I cried, I think I did.

I do remember clearly though, the faces of my friends who were there, the faces of my family members, their hugs and their support through the dinner afterwards. The cards, the flowers, just being there and seeing them there made it easier that day. I remember them being there for the nights where I cried afterwards, the nights I was angry, for letting me scream and cry if I needed too. For taking me to feed the ducks and painting on the walls. For all the tubs of icecream and cookies and movies. For just sitting with me.

I can't say I'm completely better even now, but this day did help me realize how I was feeling that day and how grateful I was that in my time of need they were all there to support me in some way.

I will always be thankful for their love.

nervous

My friend's grandmother passed away a week or so ago and I immediately agreed to go to the funeral service. It wasn't until after that I realized this would be the first funeral I'll be at since I lose my mother and grandmother. I wasn't nervous until now, the closer we get to leaving for it, the more nervous I'm becoming.

A co-worker lost her mom about a year or so after me and I almost went to hers.. but in the end I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready yet. I don't know if I am now...

the designer in me

I'd love to have a shirt in white or black with this Audrey Hepburn graphic on it.. too bad I'm not a screenprinter. But if anyone ever sees it, let me know! I love Audrey!

to my guy friends

I’ve always considered myself blessed in the area of friends. That someone was really watching out for me and it wasn’t just luck that I have who I have in my life. I think this is part of the reason where it makes it more difficult to find the right guy... the “one”.
Let’s just consider my guy friends at this moment. I’ve had the best relationships with guy friends and they’ve done so many things for me.
If we just look at their actions: I’ve had poems written to me when I was feeling sad, cough drops delivered when I was sick, dinner delivered when I couldn’t go get it. They’ve listened to me cry, held me, hugged me, slept next to me when I was scared, let me scream in their car when I was grieving, shown up without asking because they knew I needed them. They mail me presents on my birthday, take me out to dinner, fly up to see me to help me celebrate occasions, take me out to movies. Out of the blue and surprisingly when I’m feeling sad, I’ll usually get a text message, a letter, an e-mail or a postcard and my day is suddenly brightened. I’ve gotten flowers, some specially dyed, others with special meaning, roses just because and baby’s breath to ask me to a dance. They’ve brought me cookies and ice cream when I was feeling down, watched chick flicks with me because I wanted to, explored Fry’s because it’s fun, and laughed at all my stupid jokes.
If we consider the intangible: just the thought of them makes me smile, they somehow always have the right words for the moments and if they don’t their silence is enough. They tell it to me straight, not for their own benefit but for mine and when I need to hear it, even if they think I don’t want to hear it. Their logic makes sense of the chaos in my life and their support is everlasting. The best part about it is that their personalities are so giving, not just to me but to most everyone, or at least most of them are. We all get selfish once in awhile. They think outside of themselves and it shows because not many people do.
Just thinking of them makes me happy and I get this glow when I’m around them. When I come across a moment that reminds me of a memory I share with them or something they do or say it makes me smile and fills my heart with hope and contentment and love. Just to know that I have them in my life is a gift. I may not have known all of them that long, but it feels like I have and the closest ones I know are the ones I will know for the rest of my life. Where even if I don’t see them for days or weeks or months or years, that when I see them again, it will be as if we’ve never left…

To all the guy friends in my life, thank you.

Bad Day - Daniel Powter

Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

(Oh.. Holiday..)

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

(yeah...)

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

recently reminded

I was recently reminded that life is short..
that I sometimes get too comfortable to quickly..
that I my dreams had faded a bit..
that I stopped making plans because I was scared..

so I'm sitting here listening to James Blunt, not really paying attention to the words, but the music is resonating within me and sits right with my heart. I keep thinking about moments, the good ones, the ones that made me smile and made my heart feel so full. Where I'd look up into the sky and think, damn there is nothing better than right now. A friend of mine once commented on the phrase, "college are the best days of your life" - he said, "I don't think they'll be the best days of your life, but they'll be the best memories." I agree. The memories I have during those years, with my friends are the best I've had in my life.

I got lucky, I had lots of sky gazing moments where I got to think, there's nothing better than right here right now. Then life took an unexpected turn for the worse and still today I'm trying to let go of pain.. trying to remember who I was before and stay true to that person despite my loss. Part of me manages because I was that person, part of me manages because I know she wouldn't want me to be any other way.. the other part fights each day not to give into what could be a darker side.

A side that's sadder, more depressed, angry, and selfish.. because it doesn't make me happy. It offers little justification for the heartaches and the painful life lessons we often go through, some sooner than others. Recently I was reminded that it doesn't stop.. we will still love people, we will develop relationships, people will get sick and most certainly people will at some point die. Death is absolute certainty.

Only problem is seems is that those left behind die a little too. What I've come to realize is that we should embrace the pain and all that we've suffered and fill those little parts of our heart that die with new relationships and fill them with the memories, never forgetting who we are or that we still have a future to live. I suppose I've always known this, but recently, I was reminded this can be a long process. But that's okay. I've noticed recently, that what could have been "a great moment" is often now laced with a slight twinge knowing something's missing. But it still fills a little bit of my heart and that little twinge reminds me to relish it more. Laugh with everything you have, cry if you need too, and love as true as you can, most of all be as honest as you can be. Write those letters, take those trips, make those phone calls and live life. Dive into it and soak up every bit of it, because you'll never know when you get the next "moment". We fall so low because we can feel that high.

And live it I will.. one day at a time, from lows to highs, moment to moment.

Photoshop and Shopping Fun!

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death

the end is silent, even if it was violent or gentle.. it's still silent when it's done.

the pain though, everything that the living have to suffer after that, the anger, the torture, the loss, the tears, did i mention anger?

all of it.. not silent. they say time heals, but time is a human design, ticks on a watch.. no matter how much time passes, death can still tear fresh wounds in scars that heal over and over.

when do you let go?

and how do you let go?

confessions of a shopaholic pt.1

I admit it, I’m a mild shopaholic… what does this mean? Well I almost can’t control the impulse to buy things, but I’m not in debt yet and still able to save some money. It also means I have more clothes that I need in my closet and more shoes that I need… but hey.. it’s about choices right? I guess it can mean trouble if I have to plan out what to wear. :P

But there’s something slightly blissful about shopping. Especially when you find the right piece, whether it’s a top, pair of a jeans, a comfy sweater, beautiful shoes or cute accessories. There’s something about shopping that just makes me happy. It’s not just the purchasing part, it’s the whole hunt. It starts with an idea, flipping through magazines, watching tv, people watching or just an idea in the head. Something will pop up and then comes the hunt for that perfect piece that sits in my head. If I finally find it and then you price shop and compare (the internet makes this a lot easier). When I decide I really want it (sometimes this decision takes a few seconds only) and complete the purchase it sends little happy feelings throughout my body. I love it! I love the way wearing clothes and shoes makes me feel. It’s not about anyone else but me and my self expression. Sometimes it’s about that perfect gift for a friend. Same feeling of being able to match something with someone’s expression of themselves. I have to admit, my biggest weaknesses right now are shoes and sweaters. I just have to keep in mind that although it might look good on me, is it my style and do I really want it?

I would love to own my own clothing boutique!