rediscovering the girly side of me

there was a time when i used to wear dresses, slacks, and heels to work.  then all of that changed and it went to jeans, flats, and a nice top or sweater.  this became even more casual when i went back to business school.

if you asked me to choose though, i'd always choose something like this and flip flops over a dress and heels

sure.. it's grad school, but if i wasn't in a suit and heels for an event/networking/interview i was in flip flops, jeans, and a tank top, usually at the beach, on my board or somewhere outside soaking in the sun and relishing my freedom from a 40+ hour work week.  i knew what i had was precious and i was going to enjoy every minute of it.

fast foward two years and i'm back in the working world and all that's changed.  even thought i work for a company that let's us dress casually every day i've rediscovered the whole dress up idea.  back are the heels, the dresses (dressed down of course), and a bit more fashion.  granted the slacks are still hibernating in the back of the closet (i'll avoid those at all costs if possible), i'm still more of a jeans girl.

thanks to pinterest i'm also getting new ideas, i've got so many fashionable friends that are a constant inspiration to me!  if you want to buy me a present... click here. (i'll admit, i already bought some of it for myself). :D

safety and trust

it's funny how different i can be when i'm with people i feel completely safe with and trust.

i think it brings out the person that i really am inside.

why... why... why?

i often want to understand the "why"behind people, what motivates them to do what they do, to make them feel a certain way about something.  i guess that's why i was a psych major and why i do what i do for a living now.

anyway, my friend and i were talking about guys and she quotes this one book a lot.  almost like it's a medical study.  and i think people do this because we want to understand why.  why didn't things work out?  why didn't they feel this way?  why couldn't he have loved me as much as i loved him? why didn't he want me?

when the reality is you can't really explain it every time.  it doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you (although we can definitely feel like there is), but rather that the two of you just didn't work.

at some point, someone may have thought that about you too.  while there may be some reasons people can articulate about why it didn't work, is that what really matters in the end?

a long time ago i asked myself those why questions for a long time and struggled to find answers (not that i ever really asked the guy either).  when finally i realized, it didn't matter.  i realized i had to stop asking why, it wasn't fixing anything and the answers wouldn't fix anything either.  it was what happened, he did what he did and that was that.  and i moved on. it was liberating.

it just feels like there are articles and books and studies that argue about every angle of relationships and what/why/how things do or don't work.  was it always like this? or has the internet made it easier to access/produce all this "information".

i think i'm going to stop reading about dating and relationships and just let life happen.

the heart swings high, the heart swings low

when my heart breaks now, it breaks harder than it did before.

as if it re-breaks all that was broken before.

after experiencing so much death my sensitivity to emotional pain is higher...
but that also means when something amazing happens that happiness is sweeter than it's been before.

that feeling is like a good drug and i want more.

lace, you so sex-ay

I'm not really a girly girl, sometimes I play pretend, but I'd rather be in outdoor gear, getting bruised and scraped from paddling, surfing, or rock climbing.  That's usually what makes me feel bold and sexy... but I started to see lace in all the shopping emails I get and suddenly I realized I was falling in love with lace and it crept into my wardrobe...

As I embark on this journey to be a little more feminine (under the advice of my dad.. yeah can you believe he said that to me?) I've been experimenting more with my clothes, shoes, and accessories.  There was a time when I used to wear heels all the time and dress up for work.  Then I realized it didn't make sense working at a non-profit where I'd consistently spill papaya juice on myself moving fruit boxes and scuff my heels against the rolling racks, so I traded those clothes for jeans, flats and nice tops.

Then for the next six years that's how life was, enter b-school and I put suits on about once a month, but still I lived in flip flops, jeans and tanks.  Then I get a job at one of the coolest tech companies so it's not like we dress up there either.  (My jeans were thrilled, my dress pants not so much).  But enter lace...

Unassuming lace, this gentle, frilly, looking fabric that made its way onto dresses, underpinnings, sweaters, tops, you name it!  I become like a whole different girl with lace on!  The heels got dusted off and the dresses made a reappearance back into the general rotation of my wardrobe.  And most of all it's become fun!

I still haven't gotten rid of the jeans, I just dress them up now versus down.  Now that I remember that fashion was fun and not work and that clothing can make a girl experience a whole range of feelings - from sweet girl next door to sexy vixen.

Thanks lace for helping me remember that dressing up can also be bold and sexy.

I wonder if they make lacey looking wetsuits... kidding.

check out the cute lace stuff i've been finding on my pinterest!

i'd rather be drilling holes in my garage wall

i finally found a reason to buy a drill and was super excited to use my brand new drill! (no more borrowing from my guy friends and no it's not pink, ew.)

i was all excited to start working on my project, pulled everything out to the garage and got started.  phone rings and i pick it up without thinking.  it's a guy i went on a date with and he wanted to chat about our second date.  as the call progresses i realize something... i'd rather be drilling holes into the wall of my garage rather than talk to him on the phone.

not a good sign.

i finally decided that even though i know i should push myself out of my comfort zone when it comes to dating, i have to admit to myself when there just wasn't a spark with someone and let go of the idea that 'maybe it will come with a second date.'  there's nothing wrong with these guys (well with most of them anyway).  there's just a lack of chemistry.

i've come up with two main reasons for this:
1) it's online dating and i do better when i meet people organically
2) i'm too picky (yeah i admit it now)

but i look at it this way i'm a girl that knows the type of guy that i want and believe one of two things will happen:  a) i will find this guy or b) i will someone who makes me forget that i had this list of stuff i thought i wanted this person to have...

because either way, it's got to start with some sort of chemistry, some vibe or feeling that i will get knowing that i have a connection with this person, something that makes me want to hang out with them again.

with any luck/fate/universe making things happen this feeling will develop into something deeper and knock me off my feet. :)

people are inspired by different things...

as i walk around new york and live look at the tall buildings and the food and the people and the buzz and busy-ness it's amazing.

i can see how this inspires some, how some people love the city that never sleeps that always offers them something new.

but i realized it doesn't make my heart sing.  i knew years ago where my heart belonged only it took awhile for me to finally hear what she was saying to me.

it's the beach, it's the water, it's southern california.  some people laugh at me when i say that, they ask me what the difference is between nor cal and so cal.

but it's one of those things that i can't explain entirely.

the water makes my heart sing, the beach, the smell of the salt, the dolphins, fish, whales, seals, and other crazy wildlife.  being able to get 70 degree weather in winter, mixed in with rain and chilly days too.  being able to access the beach in less than 20 minutes.  i am happiest when i'm on the water at sunset or sunrise paddling next to dolphins.  that's what makes my heart sing.

that's what feeds my soul and makes me happy.

thank you steve jobs

my first memory of apple is as a kid, playing frogger on our apple IIe at home.  the computer sat in our dining room, next to the 5 1/2" floppy disk drive.  it was great, i loved that game.

but PCs started to dominate those dark years and although we had this rectangular looking Mac, I used our 'color' PC to do all my work.. but then came the iPod

and the courtship developed into a relationship, into love for things that "made music together".

iPod 2nd generation
15" refreshed Macbook Pro - circa 2003
iPod Nano - 1st generation
iPod Shuffle - 1st generation
Macbook - black - circa 2006
iPhone - 1st generation (went through three of them, first one's battery died, second was dead out of the box, third is now with my dad)
iPhone 3GS - (went through 2, first died, 2nd - now going to my dad)
13" Macbook Pro - circa 2009
10" Mackbook Air - circa 2010
iPhone 4s - <3

thank you steve jobs, for creating such beautiful products and feeding my love for beautiful tech gadgets that make life more 'efficient'.

some years are harder than others

dear mom,


it's been eight years since you've been gone and this year it's harder to bear than others.  i've just finished an amazing two years of my life, so much has changed and a new chapter in my life feels like it's starting.  i need your advice on love and life.  but you're not here anymore, i can't ask you, i can't hear your voice and it hurts right now more than it's hurt in awhile.


i wanted you to be there when i find love, true love.


i wanted you to be there when i get married.


i wanted you to be there when i have kids.


i wanted you to be there.


i know you loved me, i know you'd want me to be happy, but some years it's just harder than others...


this year i would give anything just to have one more moment with you.


love always,
your daughter.

love like a country song

i want love like country songs sing about.  

love where with just a kiss you find it hard to fight these feelings, when it feels so hard to breath and you're caught up in this moment and caught up in their smile.

where you both find it hard to hold back, don't want to mess this thing up but where it's a shot in the dark that he's the one I've been waiting for my whole life.

where on a friday night he'll want to set me free, take me high, where we can fill up our cup, make a memory, drink it up

where he won't wanna miss another minute, wanna live it with me, beneath the blue sky fallin' in love.

where I'll be riding shotgun, singin' just a little off key, tapping out the back beat while the song on the radio's talking about about the love we make and he'll know just what I'm thinking

and he'll say 'oh my sweet love, keep singing me home, keep singing, love, keep singing.'

where every time we touch... oh I can't get enough!

where I'm better than I was, more than I am and now that we're together I'm stronger than ever, I'm happy and free.  If you asked me why I've changed, it's your love, it just does something to me.

where I'm everything he's ever needed because he's thinking 'I got everything I've ever needed, in you, I found it in you.'

because maybe I'm just lucky, some people search the whole world over, just to find a love, that's even half as true, just to find a love, that's even half as true as the love I've found in you.

i want that kind of love, the type found in country songs.

.
.
.
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and if he ever breaks my heart, well then there are songs to sing me through that pain and if he cheats then I'll dig my key into the side of his pretty little souped up 4 wheel drive, carve my name into his leather seats and take a Louisville slugger to both headlights, slash a hole in all four tires and maybe next time he'll think before he cheats. ;)

for a split second I forgot you had died

happy birthday mom

I am thankful each day for every bit of your love for the time that I had you in my life.  For loving me so much and so strongly that I could carry on without you physically here with me.  For that love that reminds me of all the good that I deserve in this world and to be happy too.  For that love that reminds me everyday what it feels like to be loved.

dating - EEK!

for a whole slew of deep seated, you name it issues, feelings of loss and grief and heart break from all sorts of people, life occurrences and not so deep seated reasons i haven't really dated much in the last (let's not go there) years of my life.

i've finally hit a spot where i'm like.. oh i should think about dating, dating is the first step towards being in a relationship and relationships can lead to marriage.  i like all those things. :)

one would think this would be easy, being a somewhat cute (if i do say so myself), asian girl with a lot to offer in a relationship.  but said girl has also spent most of her life focusing on her career and gotten used to being single and doing what she wants to do and well... all those years led me to develop from interactions and observations an idea of what i want in a man... it also took awhile for anyone to spark my interest and remind me what it was like and what i was missing.

it also took awhile for me to realize i stayed away from anything that might break my heart because i was still trying to heal the wound from losing two of the closest people in my life.

so here i go, what else can i do but jump in that sea and hope the shock of the water won't kill me (metaphorically) before i find the right fish for me.

happy birthday k.

today would have been your 31st birthday and i miss you so much right now.  a friend once told me that she felt that i was putting too much faith in love (at least in romantic love) and that i see it too much as something that will fix my life.  but she's never gone through losing her mother or the murder of her best friend.  most people haven't... so they can't possibly understand... that my hope in romantic love, that my faith in it is what keeps me going.  the reminder that i can have something wonderful again, after going through so much pain.

i wished it for you and i know you wished it for me.

Tahoe sunset in March

Taken by a friend.