Scott AFB, IL and St. Louis, MO
So it wasn't the most glamours vacation (considering all I've been thinking about is Hawaii and France lately).. but it was a pretty great vacation. I decided that after the volunteer appreciation dinner I needed a break so I went to go visit some friends in Illinois. I flew into St. Louis and John picked me up from the airport. Boy was it warm! Thank goodness! I had enough rain and it felt nice to feel sun and see sun and wear tank tops and flip flops instead of rain coats and boots. We grabbed some food and just caught up, hung out w/ some of his military friends and just relaxed. On the way home we picked up Whitecastle burgers.. I was so excited!! They're just as tasty as I imagined and the chicken rings covered in cheese.. so good. I love food.
The next day we took a tour of the Anheuser-Busch factory in St. Louis with two of his friends. It was pretty interesting, granted a lot of it looks like the same stuff I see in most beer factories. Guiness is a little bit different, but still interesting. It was fun to see the clydesdales, they're beautiful horses. We also encountered a sleepy cat that looked like it had dipped into one of the barrels of beer. Good times, quick tour, then off to TGIF's (there's no real St. Louis food apparently) and a short nap then.. bowling! Ah yes.. the favorite blue collar sport of everyone. I bowled a 143, not bad, my highest thus far has been 145. I sent the picture to my friends in England, we're having a contest right now to see who can bowl the best.. Peter's winning with 150 I think. Afterwards, we ordered Chinese food (they deliver!!! I wish there were more delivery places in Nor Cal). Poor John, the moment they got here, a thunderstorm hit so he had to drive out and quickly exchange money for food. It was amazing, one minute it was nice and all of a sudden, crack, boom, pouring rain. I loved it. I wanted to go run around, but I don't think it would have been appropriate and they may have locked me up (j/k). Not a bad night, we putzed around on computers and watched TV. My brother laughed and asked if I couldn't have done that at home.. it's not the same though. Because at home I'd still be thinking about all the stuff I should be doing, like cleaning the house, etc. This way.. all I'm doing is having fun. Plus I hadn't seen John since my mom's funeral and that was over 2 1/2 years ago!
Monday.. went to see the St. Louis arch, it's pretty amazing. I learned quite a bit there and took some amusing pictures with stuffed animals. In order to get up to the top you have to travel in this pods that only hold 5 people and look like they came out of a 1960's space movie. I hit my head twice inside, once on the way up and you think I'd learn something... but no, once again on the way down. The view was pretty from the top, although it was mostly buildings, trees, lots of greenery and the occasional water tower. St. Louis.. not exactly glamourous. Then more fast food, computers, and TV. Yes I know.. we're terribly exciting. Actually we did rent two movies - Turtles Can Fly and Fun with Dick and Jane, Turtles Can Fly is an Iraqi/Iranaian film about these kids and what happened right before the war. Pretty interesting. Really sad too though. Fun with Dick and Jane was pretty amusing, good thing we saved that one for second.
Tuesday.. THE ZOO!! I love animals and happened to look up things to do in St. Louis and spotted a brochure.. so the zoo it was. Plus it's free and nothing beats free. We oogled fish, turtles, frogs, zebras, hippos (those are awesome), rhinos, elephants, monkeys!!, and quite a few large cats. It was freaking cold that day.. weird.. one day it's 70 and the next day it was 50. We trotted through the zoo pretty quickly and went to eat... where? the old spaghetti factory! I don't think it tastes quite as good as the one in Newport Beach, but then again I was a poor college student who happened to live across the street. Might have been more fun coz Mike was working there at the time too. Good times. Headed back and more computers and TV. My friend Todd drove down from Champaign which was nice of him. Poor guy was sick and still came down to see me. The three of us chatted and watched reality TV.. again terribly exciting aren't we. :) It felt good though, I laughed a lot this weekend and it was great to see the two of them. It's nice to know that even after years of not seeing friends you can still just jump right back into that relationship.
Anyway, if you read all of this.. wow. I'm surprised.. this was a pretty boring blog, but I didn't want to forget the stuff I did. Check out my smugmug site for pictures, Illinois 4.22.06-4.26.06.
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
recovering grief
Today I went to my first funeral since my mom and my grandma passed away. My hula sister lost her second grandmother a little over a week ago and when she sent out the information I decided I wanted to be there to support her. It wasn't until later that I realized I hadn't been to a funeral service since October 2003. I tried to remember what it was like for me those two weeks and I honestly don't really remember. I can vaguely remember what I was wearing, I know the walls were brown and I remember what they looked like in the box. I remember following people and hugging them, I don't know if I cried, I think I did.
I do remember clearly though, the faces of my friends who were there, the faces of my family members, their hugs and their support through the dinner afterwards. The cards, the flowers, just being there and seeing them there made it easier that day. I remember them being there for the nights where I cried afterwards, the nights I was angry, for letting me scream and cry if I needed too. For taking me to feed the ducks and painting on the walls. For all the tubs of icecream and cookies and movies. For just sitting with me.
I can't say I'm completely better even now, but this day did help me realize how I was feeling that day and how grateful I was that in my time of need they were all there to support me in some way.
I will always be thankful for their love.
Today I went to my first funeral since my mom and my grandma passed away. My hula sister lost her second grandmother a little over a week ago and when she sent out the information I decided I wanted to be there to support her. It wasn't until later that I realized I hadn't been to a funeral service since October 2003. I tried to remember what it was like for me those two weeks and I honestly don't really remember. I can vaguely remember what I was wearing, I know the walls were brown and I remember what they looked like in the box. I remember following people and hugging them, I don't know if I cried, I think I did.
I do remember clearly though, the faces of my friends who were there, the faces of my family members, their hugs and their support through the dinner afterwards. The cards, the flowers, just being there and seeing them there made it easier that day. I remember them being there for the nights where I cried afterwards, the nights I was angry, for letting me scream and cry if I needed too. For taking me to feed the ducks and painting on the walls. For all the tubs of icecream and cookies and movies. For just sitting with me.
I can't say I'm completely better even now, but this day did help me realize how I was feeling that day and how grateful I was that in my time of need they were all there to support me in some way.
I will always be thankful for their love.
nervous
My friend's grandmother passed away a week or so ago and I immediately agreed to go to the funeral service. It wasn't until after that I realized this would be the first funeral I'll be at since I lose my mother and grandmother. I wasn't nervous until now, the closer we get to leaving for it, the more nervous I'm becoming.
A co-worker lost her mom about a year or so after me and I almost went to hers.. but in the end I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready yet. I don't know if I am now...
My friend's grandmother passed away a week or so ago and I immediately agreed to go to the funeral service. It wasn't until after that I realized this would be the first funeral I'll be at since I lose my mother and grandmother. I wasn't nervous until now, the closer we get to leaving for it, the more nervous I'm becoming.
A co-worker lost her mom about a year or so after me and I almost went to hers.. but in the end I couldn't do it. I wasn't ready yet. I don't know if I am now...
Thursday, April 13, 2006
to my guy friends
I’ve always considered myself blessed in the area of friends. That someone was really watching out for me and it wasn’t just luck that I have who I have in my life. I think this is part of the reason where it makes it more difficult to find the right guy... the “one”.
Let’s just consider my guy friends at this moment. I’ve had the best relationships with guy friends and they’ve done so many things for me.
If we just look at their actions: I’ve had poems written to me when I was feeling sad, cough drops delivered when I was sick, dinner delivered when I couldn’t go get it. They’ve listened to me cry, held me, hugged me, slept next to me when I was scared, let me scream in their car when I was grieving, shown up without asking because they knew I needed them. They mail me presents on my birthday, take me out to dinner, fly up to see me to help me celebrate occasions, take me out to movies. Out of the blue and surprisingly when I’m feeling sad, I’ll usually get a text message, a letter, an e-mail or a postcard and my day is suddenly brightened. I’ve gotten flowers, some specially dyed, others with special meaning, roses just because and baby’s breath to ask me to a dance. They’ve brought me cookies and ice cream when I was feeling down, watched chick flicks with me because I wanted to, explored Fry’s because it’s fun, and laughed at all my stupid jokes.
If we consider the intangible: just the thought of them makes me smile, they somehow always have the right words for the moments and if they don’t their silence is enough. They tell it to me straight, not for their own benefit but for mine and when I need to hear it, even if they think I don’t want to hear it. Their logic makes sense of the chaos in my life and their support is everlasting. The best part about it is that their personalities are so giving, not just to me but to most everyone, or at least most of them are. We all get selfish once in awhile. They think outside of themselves and it shows because not many people do.
Just thinking of them makes me happy and I get this glow when I’m around them. When I come across a moment that reminds me of a memory I share with them or something they do or say it makes me smile and fills my heart with hope and contentment and love. Just to know that I have them in my life is a gift. I may not have known all of them that long, but it feels like I have and the closest ones I know are the ones I will know for the rest of my life. Where even if I don’t see them for days or weeks or months or years, that when I see them again, it will be as if we’ve never left…
To all the guy friends in my life, thank you.
I’ve always considered myself blessed in the area of friends. That someone was really watching out for me and it wasn’t just luck that I have who I have in my life. I think this is part of the reason where it makes it more difficult to find the right guy... the “one”.
Let’s just consider my guy friends at this moment. I’ve had the best relationships with guy friends and they’ve done so many things for me.
If we just look at their actions: I’ve had poems written to me when I was feeling sad, cough drops delivered when I was sick, dinner delivered when I couldn’t go get it. They’ve listened to me cry, held me, hugged me, slept next to me when I was scared, let me scream in their car when I was grieving, shown up without asking because they knew I needed them. They mail me presents on my birthday, take me out to dinner, fly up to see me to help me celebrate occasions, take me out to movies. Out of the blue and surprisingly when I’m feeling sad, I’ll usually get a text message, a letter, an e-mail or a postcard and my day is suddenly brightened. I’ve gotten flowers, some specially dyed, others with special meaning, roses just because and baby’s breath to ask me to a dance. They’ve brought me cookies and ice cream when I was feeling down, watched chick flicks with me because I wanted to, explored Fry’s because it’s fun, and laughed at all my stupid jokes.
If we consider the intangible: just the thought of them makes me smile, they somehow always have the right words for the moments and if they don’t their silence is enough. They tell it to me straight, not for their own benefit but for mine and when I need to hear it, even if they think I don’t want to hear it. Their logic makes sense of the chaos in my life and their support is everlasting. The best part about it is that their personalities are so giving, not just to me but to most everyone, or at least most of them are. We all get selfish once in awhile. They think outside of themselves and it shows because not many people do.
Just thinking of them makes me happy and I get this glow when I’m around them. When I come across a moment that reminds me of a memory I share with them or something they do or say it makes me smile and fills my heart with hope and contentment and love. Just to know that I have them in my life is a gift. I may not have known all of them that long, but it feels like I have and the closest ones I know are the ones I will know for the rest of my life. Where even if I don’t see them for days or weeks or months or years, that when I see them again, it will be as if we’ve never left…
To all the guy friends in my life, thank you.
Thursday, April 06, 2006
Bad Day - Daniel Powter
Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
(yeah...)
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Where is the moment we need at the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to grey
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on
You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces everytime
And I don't need no carryin' on
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Well you need a blue sky holiday
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on
You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
(Oh.. Holiday..)
Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong
(yeah...)
So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day
Tuesday, April 04, 2006
recently reminded
I was recently reminded that life is short..
that I sometimes get too comfortable to quickly..
that I my dreams had faded a bit..
that I stopped making plans because I was scared..
so I'm sitting here listening to James Blunt, not really paying attention to the words, but the music is resonating within me and sits right with my heart. I keep thinking about moments, the good ones, the ones that made me smile and made my heart feel so full. Where I'd look up into the sky and think, damn there is nothing better than right now. A friend of mine once commented on the phrase, "college are the best days of your life" - he said, "I don't think they'll be the best days of your life, but they'll be the best memories." I agree. The memories I have during those years, with my friends are the best I've had in my life.
I got lucky, I had lots of sky gazing moments where I got to think, there's nothing better than right here right now. Then life took an unexpected turn for the worse and still today I'm trying to let go of pain.. trying to remember who I was before and stay true to that person despite my loss. Part of me manages because I was that person, part of me manages because I know she wouldn't want me to be any other way.. the other part fights each day not to give into what could be a darker side.
A side that's sadder, more depressed, angry, and selfish.. because it doesn't make me happy. It offers little justification for the heartaches and the painful life lessons we often go through, some sooner than others. Recently I was reminded that it doesn't stop.. we will still love people, we will develop relationships, people will get sick and most certainly people will at some point die. Death is absolute certainty.
Only problem is seems is that those left behind die a little too. What I've come to realize is that we should embrace the pain and all that we've suffered and fill those little parts of our heart that die with new relationships and fill them with the memories, never forgetting who we are or that we still have a future to live. I suppose I've always known this, but recently, I was reminded this can be a long process. But that's okay. I've noticed recently, that what could have been "a great moment" is often now laced with a slight twinge knowing something's missing. But it still fills a little bit of my heart and that little twinge reminds me to relish it more. Laugh with everything you have, cry if you need too, and love as true as you can, most of all be as honest as you can be. Write those letters, take those trips, make those phone calls and live life. Dive into it and soak up every bit of it, because you'll never know when you get the next "moment". We fall so low because we can feel that high.
And live it I will.. one day at a time, from lows to highs, moment to moment.
I was recently reminded that life is short..
that I sometimes get too comfortable to quickly..
that I my dreams had faded a bit..
that I stopped making plans because I was scared..
so I'm sitting here listening to James Blunt, not really paying attention to the words, but the music is resonating within me and sits right with my heart. I keep thinking about moments, the good ones, the ones that made me smile and made my heart feel so full. Where I'd look up into the sky and think, damn there is nothing better than right now. A friend of mine once commented on the phrase, "college are the best days of your life" - he said, "I don't think they'll be the best days of your life, but they'll be the best memories." I agree. The memories I have during those years, with my friends are the best I've had in my life.
I got lucky, I had lots of sky gazing moments where I got to think, there's nothing better than right here right now. Then life took an unexpected turn for the worse and still today I'm trying to let go of pain.. trying to remember who I was before and stay true to that person despite my loss. Part of me manages because I was that person, part of me manages because I know she wouldn't want me to be any other way.. the other part fights each day not to give into what could be a darker side.
A side that's sadder, more depressed, angry, and selfish.. because it doesn't make me happy. It offers little justification for the heartaches and the painful life lessons we often go through, some sooner than others. Recently I was reminded that it doesn't stop.. we will still love people, we will develop relationships, people will get sick and most certainly people will at some point die. Death is absolute certainty.
Only problem is seems is that those left behind die a little too. What I've come to realize is that we should embrace the pain and all that we've suffered and fill those little parts of our heart that die with new relationships and fill them with the memories, never forgetting who we are or that we still have a future to live. I suppose I've always known this, but recently, I was reminded this can be a long process. But that's okay. I've noticed recently, that what could have been "a great moment" is often now laced with a slight twinge knowing something's missing. But it still fills a little bit of my heart and that little twinge reminds me to relish it more. Laugh with everything you have, cry if you need too, and love as true as you can, most of all be as honest as you can be. Write those letters, take those trips, make those phone calls and live life. Dive into it and soak up every bit of it, because you'll never know when you get the next "moment". We fall so low because we can feel that high.
And live it I will.. one day at a time, from lows to highs, moment to moment.
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