faceless

i know that i can love again, that i can find someone who will stir my heart, body, mind and soul. i just wish that person would show up soon.

the up part of the rollercoaster

my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.

i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.

i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.

i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.

i'm in love.. with love

.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.

i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.

maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...

anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.

my heart is breaking because i'm in love

..with the hope that love will heal me.