so..i'm back in Irvine :) It's weird how different places can make you feel something. When I went home it was weird and now that I'm down here again, it's still weird. I think part of it is the fact that I haven't had a permanant place to stay that lasted longer than a year. But yeah, back to the way places make you feel, I was home and it was funny how certain summer smells made me remember things from past summers and people and events. The smell of warm summer nights and with a slight breeze on your already warm skin and being with the same people from past summers.. but new ones too. It's like a whole time warp where different time periods come colliding into each other all at once. Only no one else feels it but you, because it's all in your own mind, your own perceptions of memories from before... kind of nice..when it's a happy memory, kind of scary too.. if the memory isn't a good one.

.........................soooooooooooooooooooooooooo bored................................ yes i'm whining. kinda mixed up not knowing what to do. *sigh* I need a hobby.. a cheap, fun one.

they say home is where the heart is... what do you do when pieces of your heart are all over the place right now?

It's funny, because I remember one time in my life when I had to say good bye to someone I loved.. I didn't realize how hard it was going to be.. or how sad I was going to feel.. then I found out (obviously). And now having to say good bye one more time to people I love, this time more than just one, I know what it's going to feel like. And the feeling of impending sadness is almost just as bad, if not worse... heart wrenching.

I'm sick...I have one more final at 8.. starts at 8.. for some reason I thought I'd wake up at 8.. good thing I remembered right now.. Oi.. I've lost my mind too.. help!

I was reading an old AIM conversation I had saved awhile back, something my friend had said to me when I was really sad. And it was funny, because as I was reading it, I was imagining that the conversation had actually taken place with both of us in the room together, talking to each other. I could hear my friend's voice actually saying what was written and me replying back.. as if it were a movie playing in my head. But that conversation never actually happened, it was online, I couldn't see my friend's face or hear anything. Makes me wonder where the line between reality and this imaginary dream world of mine is drawn. This is what happens when you think too much.

I was walking back to my place today and I happened to be holding a clay cup in my head.. I guess it's clay. Anyway, I had this tremendous urge to just let it slip from my hands so that I could watch it shatter on the ground and heard the sound of it break. I had to fight the urge, because I really do like the cup and there didn't seem to be any rational reason for me to drop it. But yeah.. I really, really wanted too. :) I think the stress from finals and closing has gotten to me.. yay.

As it gets closer to the end of the school year, I always start to reflect, especially when my room is half empty and my walls once again bare like before. so these are my thoughts tonight:
..you know how people say that when you're in love you just know it.. you can't ask someone else what love is, you just feel it. I had be in love once before and had felt the pain from being hurt by it too, and had for awhile felt like I would never fall in love again (deep down inside you know you will, but it still hurts like you're never going to again for awhile).. then the most amazing thing happened, I fell in love this year, but not in the way one would normally think. I fell in love with a group of people. It was that indescribable feeling of joy at seeing a person and just being around them.. where they love you back so much that you start to see yourself through their eyes and you realize what a beautiful and wonderful person you are.. only I didn't realize it until now.. how much I love these people, needless to say it's not the same as the romantic/companionship love you'd feel with a significant other, but it runs parallel to it.. how often is it that you have a whole group of people who relate to you in some way, who feel things like you do and understand you when you don't even say a word.. it's amazing to be so loved like that and to love people like that.. sometimes I wish I could just touch someone to show them how I feel, if I could have this rush and of emotion shoot out of my fingertips to someone, so that they would know and how I feel about them, life would be great.. because no words could ever do justice to the describe love..now all I need to work on is realizing how much I love someone, without having to wait until good bye to realize it.. but it's not really good bye, it's more like a see you later.

It's weird, when life seems to be going really good and you're happy. I had forgotten what it was like to feel happy, it's nice. :) I like it. I suppose I should be happy more often, but it seems like I'm always so worried about one thing or another. It's not that I'm unhappy, it's kind of like this medium where you're just going, doing what you have to do. I got done what I wanted to do today, read a few chapters for my final on Tuesday, one more to go! Cleaned up my room, got most of it packed and moved over to where I'm staying this summer. Last week I figured out whether or not I was going to double major, I am, psychology and international studies. I'm almost done with the classes for my psychology major, it's weird being almost done. I'm a fourth year next year, I'll probably graduate in five. I want to study abroad so I'm working on that, it's exciting. I've made this list of things I want to do in life, before I enter the working world and become so busy I can't do them anymore. It's nice knowing what I want to do now and actually being able to go out and do them. It's no longer a "oh I want to.. but not right now.. NOW is the time." Can't wait any longer or else I'm out of time. Okay back to studying, maybe I can finish this chapter tonight.

after a few longs hours with bouts of studying in between, i've finally figured out how to get it to work and it all of a sudden seemed so silly that i was wasting so much time trying to figure stuff out.. yeah i know i'm not saying what it is, but oh well. you'd laugh. and all the my html-knowing buddies were no where to be found.. go figure. but anyway it's up and it's working, none of the links work yet.. they will. :) for now, this is it.. i really have to study.

so i'm starting a new design for my webpage.. and it's really rather frustrating.
but as frustrating as it is, i won't stop to study.. ha! oi.. i really should be studying right now.