i took a walk last night through my past and found lost memories i wasn't sure i wanted back. i was cleaning and discovered my old journals that spanned a lot of different heart aches.
it was funny because i had written down conversations i had had with these guys and my reactions and why it hurt, how it hurt, fake letters i had written to get it all out and as i read them i realized i didn't remember ANY of it. not even an inkling, i laid there in bed reading, trying to drawn up any sort of memory about it and i could barely do it. there were some that i can feel a faint wisp of, but it's like someone had gone in and wiped out a whole lot of it.
i wonder if it's time, or if it's the trauma from my mom's death and then later that of my best friend that i can't remember anymore. i don't remember if my ex did anything for valentine's day, i can't remember if we even spent new year's together, although we must've had because we shared at least one in our relationship.
i read about such loneliness and pain and looking back down can't even bring back the memory of that feeling at the time. part of me wants to burn these pieces of paper and just let them go to dust, and yet part of me is wondering if i should keep them and hold onto them, so i don't forget what i learned.
funny thing is, after reading it, i get this in my e-mail from the Daily Om:
Answers in History
You may be strongly drawn to your past today. A desire to learn more about yourself or a yearning for intuitive guidance may lie at the heart of your need to look backward. If you can engage in self-examination and reminisce about old memories, you may awaken long-buried pieces of your past that could help clarify your experiences in the present. By looking at the choices you have made throughout various periods of your life, you’ll likely gain insight into ways you can make your current reality more satisfying. If you have questions regarding the direction your life should take, your past may hold the answers. Looking through old photographs and journals may help you step into your memories. Our past is filled with experiences that we were meant to live and is the foundation upon which we’ve built today.
Your history can be a wonderful guidebook for life. Your past can hold valuable insights about your future. Everything you have done and experienced has granted you a measure of wisdom, and analyzing your life up to this point can help you learn about yourself, your reactions, your predilections, and your needs. A situation from your past may closely mirror your current circumstances so that how you responded then may hold clues for which action may benefit you today. Looking at your past today could guide you smoothly toward your future.