revision sucks

I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.

funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence

bedtime

I really don't like going to bed lately, I don't like that bit before you fall asleep and it drives me crazy. Because I know exactly how much my mind is holding back and how much I just don't want to deal with it right now. Especially with exams coming up and trying to figure out my 'future' where I want to be and the people in my life seeming to scatter all over the place. I know that when I go home things will be the same and yet completely different at the same time. It scares me. I had this conversation with Theo today and he thinks I'm scared of everything and I realised I do get scared about a lot of things. It's not necessarily a big fear, but when I'm uncomfortable it's almost always associated with fear. I think I've built this thing up inside of me where if I'm not comfortable I get all weirded out and I don't like it. I remember too easily how little confidence I had before and what that felt like, that dark period of my life where everything would make me worry and just generally made me feel like shit. I don't want to remember it. But this uncertainty that lies before me is bringing that shit back up. But at the same time I know I'm different now I'm stronger and wiser.. but sometimes you just get tired.

sometimes the loneliest time is that bit where you're all tucked into bed and right before you fall asleep...

Resent

I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..

ooo!

OOO I just found out I can change the time on my blog so it accurately reflects the English hour.. too bad I've only got a month left here.

OOO I just found out my friend Kris was a spelling bee champ in 3rd grade!!

oh dissertations.. how i do i love thee.. let me count the ways

Monday 5pm is the deadline to finish these suckers... I'm so tired of writing them and I'm tired of planning them and I should have gone to see my tutor today and gotten some advice on how to set this second one up.. but no I didn't. Instead I spent form 12pm to 5 pm, trying to cut 2,200 words out of my first dissertation! You think going over the word limit would be a good thing, but noooo it's a lot harder to cut out words than it is to add words I think. Luckily Mr. Barden saved me by not only reading through my 25 page paper, but showing me 'AutoSummarize' in MS word.. this little miracle tool goes through your essay and can highlight what it think it important and what you can cut out.. depending on how much of the original text you want to keep. It can do a few other nifty things as well..

anyway better get cracking faster on my second one.. capitalism and patriarchy: cycle of oppression woo hoo! at least I got the title down.

BTW: Guess who's seeing Matrix on May 21st at 8:30.. first showing in Brighton, England!!! Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Kristine and Matt and Peter and Hailin..

where do i go?

just when i think i've found myself and i knew what i wanted to do with my life i've gotten lost again. it always feels like i know who i am at one point, but then the next thing you know.. poof you find yourself in a place where everything is uncertain and it's like you're walking in this thick fog where you can hear familiar voices but you're just not sure which direction to head in...

going home is going to be strange, things definitely aren't going to be the same because i've changed. just becoming more politically aware has created this thirst in me to want to read hoards and hoards of books about what's going on in the middle east and the history that led up to it, what's going on in africa because no one seems to care and especially about the US. i took AP US History in high school but honestly i can't remember very much from it, except for the major events, but my dates are all screwy if i know any of the dates at all

and with all that is going on in the world it seems like sitting at home in a 9 to 5 job where i'm doing nothing to try and help seems like such a waste. it's not the 9 to 5 part that bothers me, it's the feeling like i'm doing this job for selfish reason and only money that bothers me. i have all these big plans where i would love to work for an NGO or some international organisation where i can be helping people become more self-subsistent. the peace corps is starting to sound like a good idea as a starting point, but i'm still not even sure about that

i know i have to start from the bottom no matter what and to become a major part of an international organisation you'd need a PhD.. or at least a masters.. looks like more schooling might be in my future. as for right now, i'm not sure what to do.. i can go into human resources, but i feel that taking that path won't take me to where i want to be in life. perhaps public relations or maybe a masters in public health... well we will see i better start doing some research on this stuff as well...

that's the other problem, can't really do all the reading about stuff i'm interested in coz of my papers and exams.. not that it's not interesting.. it is.. it would just be more interesting if i didn't have to do it for a dissertation or exam.. haha... funny how if it's work no matter how interested i am in a topic i still want to procrastinate doing it.. damn psyche.

Celebrating.. quietly...

OH MY GAWD! GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED HER DISSERTATION!! FINISHED IN THE SENSE THAT THE CONCLUSION'S A BIT SHIT AND I HAVE TO CUT OUT 1500 WORDS... BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES!!! IT'S WRITTEN! IT'S THERE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JOY OF JOYS!! I'M IN THE LIBRARY SO I HAFTA BE QUIET.. BUT I'VE BEEN TEXTING ALL MY FRIENDS HERE.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY.. IN A STATE OF RELIEF AND EXTACSY!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH...

now i have to start on the next one...

Going nowhere

Day after day it's the same thing.. dissertation work dissertation work.. and actually paid work coz I just got a job!! Yay about that one. But damn.. I feel like no matter what I do I'm never really going to understand all this ideology and Marx and everything and I really want to! But damn.. trying to define a Marxist theory of imperialism for today's modern society is not freaking easy.. not to mention I haven't even started the second dissertation on capitalism and patriarchy! I have no idea where I'm going with that one. Sometimes this stress is too much and instead of being productive I just want to run away and not face it.

There's this time.. right before I got to bed every night where I start to get anxious. Although I may be completely exhausted I don't want to go to bed.. because I'm afraid of something. Not sure what. Maybe I'm scared to face the growing pile of responsibility that I'll have to face when I wake up, maybe I'm afraid of that period of time because when I lay down I'm going to start thinking I can't jsut fall asleep immediately and then I know I'll dream those things.

I feel like I'm being pulled backwards and forwards and my life is just one big confusing ball of emotion.. coz that's me.. a big fat lame emotion ball sometimes.. all the time haha.. give me some denial privleges please! I want to say what's on my mind completely truthfully to everyone.. but that's never going to happen. It's like a blog.. you'll let some things out but you've still got your skeletons or just those little things you're afraid someone's going to hurt you with tucked away in a little chest because you're afraid of yourself.

Hmm... I think that was a few too many thoughts in one paragraph.. oh well.. Marxy poo here I come again!