AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH

Yeah.. term's started, classes begin tomorrow.. 2 6,000 word dissertations due May 19th and then two unseen exams on classes that I took in freaking Autumn/Fall term/quarter!! I forgot what it's like to take tests and exams and do loooong papers. I had 5 weeks for Easter break and I was supposed to do work on my dissertations towards the end of it. I even came home early to get started.. but did I? Hahah! No way, I spent the time watching movies, eating, sitting on Brighton beach b/c it was 23 degrees Celsius.. so what.. about 75 F, went to town and wandered around, went shopping.. read about 10 pages total in two weeks. Finally I sat myself down and did 500 words in a few hours and then today came to the library, where I currently am and did 2,000 words! Whoo hoo. Feeling like more weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I've realized that he more stressed out I get, the more little itty bitty things, the bad things, and the sad things get to me in life. I should go work out or something.. too bad the gym's so freaking far and costs money to go to. Hmm maybe I'll look into a pilates class. Or just go for more walks. hehe. Okay back to my paper.

D-Day: June 18th

bittersweet

Lazy Ass

That's me.. one giant lazy ass. I seriously have been doing nothing but laying around all day watching movies I get from the library or off my friend's computer. Sad. I should go out there and do something with myself.. actually I should start reading more for my dissertations. It always seems easier to read for my dissertations when I'm not home and on a train traveling somewhere or in a hostel with a 12am curfew.. haha. Maybe I should plan a trip somewhere in England that's far away by train, so I can study and get some work done and then see a bit more of England. Hehe.. well we'll see. Although I should do this soon. Maybe Dustin wouldn't mind having me around for a bit. I think I'll give him a call.. someone's gotta save me from this boredom and myself.

Adventure!

It started out with dry eyes and a slight irritation w/ having my contacts in, so I started taking them out. In went the plunger cuz I was lazy and out came the left contact, safely packed it away in solution in the case. Then the right eye... suddenly because the contact was so dry it slips off the plunger and falls, bouncing into the drain.. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looking with my specs on and can't spot it. Grab my flashlight in the hope that maybe it's still there somewhere.. gotcha! Hanging on a cliff ledge of metal underneath the strainer of the sink. Ungh, can't get the strainer off.. well.. what now? Bubble gum? Tape? Nope.. blue tack and a chopstick.. after some difficult manuevering and scraping the side of the pipe which I've realized is disgusting! Brown gunk all over.. Anyway I finally manage to get it to stick and only problem is my hand shakes.. so I clamp the chopstick in my mouth to help keep it steady, holding the flashlight w/ my left hand and manuevering the chopstick w/ my right I pull it out to freedom. Covered in a bit of gunk, washed off and checked, it's fine and now safely away in its case. Yay!!

I'm pathetic and lazy!

How sad.. I'm sooo bored and lazy, I've read a total of 6 pages today and took notes on it and watched movies through the blurry and fuzziness of static on the TV from lack of reception. And that is seriously all I can really remember doing, besides going to the store and purchasing food and a newspaper. So I read a bit of that and cooked food today. Sometimes i wonder what the heck I'm doing and how sad and pathetic I am.. especially when I start analyzing the thoughts that will run through my head sometimes.

Maybe i'm just crazy... and not actually pathetic and lazy..

OMG.. i'm in such a strange mood right now.. must be the lemon and ginger tea.. it made me light headed earlier and now this.. I could ramble some more, but I'll probably just scare people. haha. ok..

Motivation where are you?!

Two dissertations due May 19th, 6,000 words each (21 pages each) and two exams, which isn't nearly as bad as what some of my friends got. But damn.. I'm so over school!! I totally don't want to write these stupid papers. I just want to read for fun, this stuff is interesting to read on it's own, but I keep thinking about my papers and how I'm going to shove this information in. Although I suppose that's good, because it's making me think about this reading critically. Haha.. I'm turning into a nerd! Yay! Anyway, doesn't help that I've got my housemates TV and VCR in my room.. and that the library has a large selection of films to check out for free.. Last night it was A Hard Day's Night and The Picture of Dorian Gray (going to kill Theo for telling me to read the book.. since I couldn't get the book I got the movie and it's creeepy! and I'm all alone in the house!). So I got Eat Drink Man Woman, The Wedding Banquet, and Roman Holiday.. happy movies for tonite. whoo hoo. Suppose I should get a bit more work done before I leave the library.

As for the rest of my life, I've realized I've gotten more sensitive and emotional or something over the past few months.. and I don't like it. It's as if I feel more vulnerable for some reason and not really safe. It's a yucky feeling. Anyway, gonna read a bit more and then head home for some lunch.

Songs for the moment: India Arie- I Am Ready For Love and Avril Lavaigne - I'm With You

Being me is just fine

We all get into those times when life seems so uncertain and scary and it feels like things are falling apart because there's nothing to hold onto. Well that's how I've been feeling for awhile now.. and going to Italy with my family wasn't helping. If you know me and my dad and our relationship... oi. Anyway, so my head's been one big mess lately about everything in my life. Nothing felt normal and although everyone said that when I came home it would all be the same I know it's not. Two of my closest friends are heading off to New York together to grad school (they're together) and another is going to Columbia for grad school to be closer to his girl friend. Another good friend migth be moving back down to San Diego and all my high school friends are pretty much up North. I've still got a few close by in the So Cal area if I move back down there which is what I want to do. But still.. nothing's the same you know?

But I got letters recently from a few of them and it's amazing what a letter can do... and a 'sunshine CD' that one of them made. It totally reminded me of who I have in my life and how incredible they are and how I am capable and worthy and wonderful and gosh darn it people like me!!! So yeah, defiantely got a bit of confidence back inside of me and it feels great. Life may be uncertain, but I'll find my way eventually.

Thank God for amazing, incredible, indescribable friends. *muah* Thank god for love.