mind is swirling with thoughts once again..

"they" say be yourself, find your identity, realize who you are and embrace it, some say that your identity is always changing and should be because new information is acquired. how does identity come about anyway? is it already predetermined because of the way you were raised, where you grew up, who you've talked to?

it's insane, this idea of truly finding yourself.. you'll never find it, it's too deep.

all you can do is be it.

mood: feeling like a song.

Drive- Bic Runga

I know it's late now I know I
Ought to go
Ride in your car now
But please don't drop me home
My head's so heavy
Could
This be all a dream
Promise me
Maybes and say things
You don't mean
Rain fall from concrete colored skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Take me through make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Keep my heart turning on
Axles around you
Keep our love burning just
Like it used to do
Now just for us
They could
Play our favourite tune
Let's not discuss
All these
Things we can't undo
Let rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive
Drive
Drive
Speed me through
Make me feel alive
Alive
When I ride with you
Rain fall from concrete coloured skies
No boy don't speak now
You just drive

..too late

i want to write and write and write, there's so much on my mind and then i sort of want to meditate to get this all out of my head or maybe vice versa.. i wish i could just concentrate on the now, the present and live in it.. but it seems like my mind only goes to the future. my parents complain that i tend to forget things and get distracted easily.. it's only because i'm constantly thinking about what i need to do, what i want to do, what they want me to do, that i stop looking at what's going on right now in the present.. i have this feeling i'm missing out on something.

so.. what's new in the life of vicki?

well mostly nothing.. been thinking a lot about the risks I take, the struggles or perhaps lack there of that i've been through, etc, etc.. the normally deep penetrating thoughts. I came across some things of my past and I read some of it again, it was scary that I had been in a place like that before and it makes me wonder if I could slip back into it sometimes... also been thinking about what I want to change about myself, how there are things about me I don't quite like, not so much physical anymore, more phsychological, spiritual, emotional... been thinking about how I'm single too, I should stop thinking about that..

I'm applying to go to England next year, to study there for a year, I think it will be good for me. I have this urge to travel now, I want to buy a backpack and go backpacking throughout Europe, learn to do things on my own.. grow up a little bit more. I moved from one bubble to another and sometimes don't feel like I have enough information to even be who I am or want to be.

so yeah.. that's what's new.

Sometimes it feels like people no longer do things for the fun of it, we're always so preoccupied with how something is going to benefit us, how it's going to help us and we keep concentrating on what we can learn or gain from it.. we stop becoming aware of what's around us. We don't see things for the pure beauty and experience of it anymore, there's always this cloud of "what can I take away from this" always in the air. True, you want to gain experience and learn things from everything you do, but I don't think it needs to be a constant thought in your head, because then you might miss something. Just take it for what it is, you'll learn either way and it will become a part of you.