revision sucks

I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.

funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence

bedtime

I really don't like going to bed lately, I don't like that bit before you fall asleep and it drives me crazy. Because I know exactly how much my mind is holding back and how much I just don't want to deal with it right now. Especially with exams coming up and trying to figure out my 'future' where I want to be and the people in my life seeming to scatter all over the place. I know that when I go home things will be the same and yet completely different at the same time. It scares me. I had this conversation with Theo today and he thinks I'm scared of everything and I realised I do get scared about a lot of things. It's not necessarily a big fear, but when I'm uncomfortable it's almost always associated with fear. I think I've built this thing up inside of me where if I'm not comfortable I get all weirded out and I don't like it. I remember too easily how little confidence I had before and what that felt like, that dark period of my life where everything would make me worry and just generally made me feel like shit. I don't want to remember it. But this uncertainty that lies before me is bringing that shit back up. But at the same time I know I'm different now I'm stronger and wiser.. but sometimes you just get tired.

sometimes the loneliest time is that bit where you're all tucked into bed and right before you fall asleep...

Resent

I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..

ooo!

OOO I just found out I can change the time on my blog so it accurately reflects the English hour.. too bad I've only got a month left here.

OOO I just found out my friend Kris was a spelling bee champ in 3rd grade!!

oh dissertations.. how i do i love thee.. let me count the ways

Monday 5pm is the deadline to finish these suckers... I'm so tired of writing them and I'm tired of planning them and I should have gone to see my tutor today and gotten some advice on how to set this second one up.. but no I didn't. Instead I spent form 12pm to 5 pm, trying to cut 2,200 words out of my first dissertation! You think going over the word limit would be a good thing, but noooo it's a lot harder to cut out words than it is to add words I think. Luckily Mr. Barden saved me by not only reading through my 25 page paper, but showing me 'AutoSummarize' in MS word.. this little miracle tool goes through your essay and can highlight what it think it important and what you can cut out.. depending on how much of the original text you want to keep. It can do a few other nifty things as well..

anyway better get cracking faster on my second one.. capitalism and patriarchy: cycle of oppression woo hoo! at least I got the title down.

BTW: Guess who's seeing Matrix on May 21st at 8:30.. first showing in Brighton, England!!! Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Kristine and Matt and Peter and Hailin..

where do i go?

just when i think i've found myself and i knew what i wanted to do with my life i've gotten lost again. it always feels like i know who i am at one point, but then the next thing you know.. poof you find yourself in a place where everything is uncertain and it's like you're walking in this thick fog where you can hear familiar voices but you're just not sure which direction to head in...

going home is going to be strange, things definitely aren't going to be the same because i've changed. just becoming more politically aware has created this thirst in me to want to read hoards and hoards of books about what's going on in the middle east and the history that led up to it, what's going on in africa because no one seems to care and especially about the US. i took AP US History in high school but honestly i can't remember very much from it, except for the major events, but my dates are all screwy if i know any of the dates at all

and with all that is going on in the world it seems like sitting at home in a 9 to 5 job where i'm doing nothing to try and help seems like such a waste. it's not the 9 to 5 part that bothers me, it's the feeling like i'm doing this job for selfish reason and only money that bothers me. i have all these big plans where i would love to work for an NGO or some international organisation where i can be helping people become more self-subsistent. the peace corps is starting to sound like a good idea as a starting point, but i'm still not even sure about that

i know i have to start from the bottom no matter what and to become a major part of an international organisation you'd need a PhD.. or at least a masters.. looks like more schooling might be in my future. as for right now, i'm not sure what to do.. i can go into human resources, but i feel that taking that path won't take me to where i want to be in life. perhaps public relations or maybe a masters in public health... well we will see i better start doing some research on this stuff as well...

that's the other problem, can't really do all the reading about stuff i'm interested in coz of my papers and exams.. not that it's not interesting.. it is.. it would just be more interesting if i didn't have to do it for a dissertation or exam.. haha... funny how if it's work no matter how interested i am in a topic i still want to procrastinate doing it.. damn psyche.

Celebrating.. quietly...

OH MY GAWD! GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED HER DISSERTATION!! FINISHED IN THE SENSE THAT THE CONCLUSION'S A BIT SHIT AND I HAVE TO CUT OUT 1500 WORDS... BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES!!! IT'S WRITTEN! IT'S THERE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JOY OF JOYS!! I'M IN THE LIBRARY SO I HAFTA BE QUIET.. BUT I'VE BEEN TEXTING ALL MY FRIENDS HERE.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY.. IN A STATE OF RELIEF AND EXTACSY!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH...

now i have to start on the next one...

Going nowhere

Day after day it's the same thing.. dissertation work dissertation work.. and actually paid work coz I just got a job!! Yay about that one. But damn.. I feel like no matter what I do I'm never really going to understand all this ideology and Marx and everything and I really want to! But damn.. trying to define a Marxist theory of imperialism for today's modern society is not freaking easy.. not to mention I haven't even started the second dissertation on capitalism and patriarchy! I have no idea where I'm going with that one. Sometimes this stress is too much and instead of being productive I just want to run away and not face it.

There's this time.. right before I got to bed every night where I start to get anxious. Although I may be completely exhausted I don't want to go to bed.. because I'm afraid of something. Not sure what. Maybe I'm scared to face the growing pile of responsibility that I'll have to face when I wake up, maybe I'm afraid of that period of time because when I lay down I'm going to start thinking I can't jsut fall asleep immediately and then I know I'll dream those things.

I feel like I'm being pulled backwards and forwards and my life is just one big confusing ball of emotion.. coz that's me.. a big fat lame emotion ball sometimes.. all the time haha.. give me some denial privleges please! I want to say what's on my mind completely truthfully to everyone.. but that's never going to happen. It's like a blog.. you'll let some things out but you've still got your skeletons or just those little things you're afraid someone's going to hurt you with tucked away in a little chest because you're afraid of yourself.

Hmm... I think that was a few too many thoughts in one paragraph.. oh well.. Marxy poo here I come again!

AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH

Yeah.. term's started, classes begin tomorrow.. 2 6,000 word dissertations due May 19th and then two unseen exams on classes that I took in freaking Autumn/Fall term/quarter!! I forgot what it's like to take tests and exams and do loooong papers. I had 5 weeks for Easter break and I was supposed to do work on my dissertations towards the end of it. I even came home early to get started.. but did I? Hahah! No way, I spent the time watching movies, eating, sitting on Brighton beach b/c it was 23 degrees Celsius.. so what.. about 75 F, went to town and wandered around, went shopping.. read about 10 pages total in two weeks. Finally I sat myself down and did 500 words in a few hours and then today came to the library, where I currently am and did 2,000 words! Whoo hoo. Feeling like more weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I've realized that he more stressed out I get, the more little itty bitty things, the bad things, and the sad things get to me in life. I should go work out or something.. too bad the gym's so freaking far and costs money to go to. Hmm maybe I'll look into a pilates class. Or just go for more walks. hehe. Okay back to my paper.

D-Day: June 18th

bittersweet

Lazy Ass

That's me.. one giant lazy ass. I seriously have been doing nothing but laying around all day watching movies I get from the library or off my friend's computer. Sad. I should go out there and do something with myself.. actually I should start reading more for my dissertations. It always seems easier to read for my dissertations when I'm not home and on a train traveling somewhere or in a hostel with a 12am curfew.. haha. Maybe I should plan a trip somewhere in England that's far away by train, so I can study and get some work done and then see a bit more of England. Hehe.. well we'll see. Although I should do this soon. Maybe Dustin wouldn't mind having me around for a bit. I think I'll give him a call.. someone's gotta save me from this boredom and myself.

Adventure!

It started out with dry eyes and a slight irritation w/ having my contacts in, so I started taking them out. In went the plunger cuz I was lazy and out came the left contact, safely packed it away in solution in the case. Then the right eye... suddenly because the contact was so dry it slips off the plunger and falls, bouncing into the drain.. SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Looking with my specs on and can't spot it. Grab my flashlight in the hope that maybe it's still there somewhere.. gotcha! Hanging on a cliff ledge of metal underneath the strainer of the sink. Ungh, can't get the strainer off.. well.. what now? Bubble gum? Tape? Nope.. blue tack and a chopstick.. after some difficult manuevering and scraping the side of the pipe which I've realized is disgusting! Brown gunk all over.. Anyway I finally manage to get it to stick and only problem is my hand shakes.. so I clamp the chopstick in my mouth to help keep it steady, holding the flashlight w/ my left hand and manuevering the chopstick w/ my right I pull it out to freedom. Covered in a bit of gunk, washed off and checked, it's fine and now safely away in its case. Yay!!

I'm pathetic and lazy!

How sad.. I'm sooo bored and lazy, I've read a total of 6 pages today and took notes on it and watched movies through the blurry and fuzziness of static on the TV from lack of reception. And that is seriously all I can really remember doing, besides going to the store and purchasing food and a newspaper. So I read a bit of that and cooked food today. Sometimes i wonder what the heck I'm doing and how sad and pathetic I am.. especially when I start analyzing the thoughts that will run through my head sometimes.

Maybe i'm just crazy... and not actually pathetic and lazy..

OMG.. i'm in such a strange mood right now.. must be the lemon and ginger tea.. it made me light headed earlier and now this.. I could ramble some more, but I'll probably just scare people. haha. ok..

Motivation where are you?!

Two dissertations due May 19th, 6,000 words each (21 pages each) and two exams, which isn't nearly as bad as what some of my friends got. But damn.. I'm so over school!! I totally don't want to write these stupid papers. I just want to read for fun, this stuff is interesting to read on it's own, but I keep thinking about my papers and how I'm going to shove this information in. Although I suppose that's good, because it's making me think about this reading critically. Haha.. I'm turning into a nerd! Yay! Anyway, doesn't help that I've got my housemates TV and VCR in my room.. and that the library has a large selection of films to check out for free.. Last night it was A Hard Day's Night and The Picture of Dorian Gray (going to kill Theo for telling me to read the book.. since I couldn't get the book I got the movie and it's creeepy! and I'm all alone in the house!). So I got Eat Drink Man Woman, The Wedding Banquet, and Roman Holiday.. happy movies for tonite. whoo hoo. Suppose I should get a bit more work done before I leave the library.

As for the rest of my life, I've realized I've gotten more sensitive and emotional or something over the past few months.. and I don't like it. It's as if I feel more vulnerable for some reason and not really safe. It's a yucky feeling. Anyway, gonna read a bit more and then head home for some lunch.

Songs for the moment: India Arie- I Am Ready For Love and Avril Lavaigne - I'm With You

Being me is just fine

We all get into those times when life seems so uncertain and scary and it feels like things are falling apart because there's nothing to hold onto. Well that's how I've been feeling for awhile now.. and going to Italy with my family wasn't helping. If you know me and my dad and our relationship... oi. Anyway, so my head's been one big mess lately about everything in my life. Nothing felt normal and although everyone said that when I came home it would all be the same I know it's not. Two of my closest friends are heading off to New York together to grad school (they're together) and another is going to Columbia for grad school to be closer to his girl friend. Another good friend migth be moving back down to San Diego and all my high school friends are pretty much up North. I've still got a few close by in the So Cal area if I move back down there which is what I want to do. But still.. nothing's the same you know?

But I got letters recently from a few of them and it's amazing what a letter can do... and a 'sunshine CD' that one of them made. It totally reminded me of who I have in my life and how incredible they are and how I am capable and worthy and wonderful and gosh darn it people like me!!! So yeah, defiantely got a bit of confidence back inside of me and it feels great. Life may be uncertain, but I'll find my way eventually.

Thank God for amazing, incredible, indescribable friends. *muah* Thank god for love.

Mallorca and War! (although War could use a whole section on its own.)

Got back yesterday from Mallorca and it was absolutely beautiful. I left the country and it was cold and spent the week in the sunny Baleric Islands (part of Spain.. where Ibiza is). It wasn't that warm, but the last two days were nice enough to lay out and relax at the beach. We went shopping, walked around Palma, the capital and took a train ride to Soller and visited the small town of Valldemosa. Absolutely beautiful. I want to go back again some day and maybe party it up. All that were around were old German people and a lot of German speaking cyclers training for some bike marathon or something. Some 20 year old Austrian bloke just came up to us and started chatting with us. Me and Joy got hit on at the beach by some 15 year old Spanish blokes asking if we were going to 'fiesta' that night. But being the old fogies that we are we watched a bunch of German TV and tried to decipher the news in French, Spanish and German ( I swear it seems like the island isn't even Spanish!) and went to bed early.

It's crazy to imagine that I was laying at the beach and there was a war going on about 2,000 miles to my East.. scary. Felt a bit guilty about the fact that I was safe and sound and at the beach while people were being blitzed and hurt and killed. I could go on and on about how I feel about this war, but after having talked about it with my dad (mr. devil's advocate himself.. frustrating man that he is) and having a discussion with a pro-war ex-spopper of mine this morning, I don't really want to. I don't believe in it and everything I read in the newspaper makes me sadder and sadder at the state of our world and the American government. There seems to hardly be any humanity left in this world..

Just as I expected

I could have gone along just fine, not thought about it and would have gone home forgotten about it and have a great friendship with mr. man. But after the planting of hope by my housemates.. I actually got up enough guts to do something. Despite the fact that deep down in my gut I knew he didn't feel the same I JUST KNEW!! But when you've got three people in the house.. telling you you're wrong.. and giving you hope..making things uncertain, what are you going to do? So I wrote a letter (don't laugh.. please..) and Noelle delivered it (yeah I know childish in a way). And an hour later I got the resonse I knew was coming in the form of letter. Didn't feel the same way although I'm (list of good and flattering things.. wow.. am I really? awww how sweet). But we're gonna be friends still.. so as soon as I get over a bit of heart ache and this extreme embarrassment that I feel when I see him sometimes.. things will be all good. Although this does prove that I'm not completely off base.. not like I was about the last boy situation i was in way back when.. and that the masses may not necessarily be right. But it does make my life a bit more uneasy.. because then I haven no pattern to base the next situation on! Geez.. you think life could give me a break and not be so damn complicated and difficult and random! But then life would be boring..I suppose.

yay and boo all at the same time. life is definately bittersweet... maybe a bit more bitter.

Regrets..

Okay, so it's gotten to the point where the internal dialogue inside my head is about to kill me. Well not kill me but it's straight up bugging me like crazy. I haven't had someone occupy my thoughts in quite awhile. I'm usually just chillin' doing my own thing, no real drama in my life. Except for the occasional minor stuff that's been going on I've been relatively happy. Enjoying my singleness and just enjoying being myself.. so what the heck! I get this wrench thrown into the works and I'm sure this boy is totally chill about the whole situation and doesn't even realize what's going on anyway. Which means he probably doesn't like me. But I can't help but wonder and this uncertainty is one of the most annoying things in my life right now.

I've always told others to take the chance when they could because you could pass on something great and it's better to know than not to know.. but now that I'm in this situation I don't know if I can swallow my own pill and take my own advice. The fear of losing a friend is so great inside me and I hate weirdness. But then again.. when have I ever really taken a chance in my life? Situations have happened in my life where I have reacted or where I've spoken without thinking. And so many times these days I want to just blurt something out and it's sitting there in my throat and sometimes in my mouth but never past my lips. I just don't know what to do. Am I mistaken to take fate into my own hands and see what becomes of things?

Being the me that I am.. I have this tendency to overnanalyze every little bit of information that passes through my senses. It feels like the signals aren't there and then they are and all of it is so mixed up! How annoying! I thought I could understand men.. I can't. Because everytime I think I've got them.. someone will come along and change everything all up! Will you guys just quit it! Thank you. Anyways.. thinking of saying something next Friday.. because then there's 5 weeks of Easter break, so if all goes to hell maybe 5 weeks will fix it.. yeah? I don't want to regret something in my life.. and I'm afraid I may actually be faced with one possible regret if I stay silent...

How scary.. to know that perhaps you have control over one possible regret in your life, which may not be a regret later in life.. but whatevers. We'll see.. next Friday.. if I've sorted out my head a bit more by then..or maybe not.

I hate how pathetic I can get sometimes.. damn it.. I am me and that's all I'll ever be.

For Grace..

Okay so I got all excited cuz I saw that I had a message and it was Grace telling me I don't update enough. So here's the update and it's all for her.. well dedicated to her anyway. haha. But let's see.. life is good. The weather is getting a bit warmer.. although this probably means tomorrow it'll snow now that I've said that. Scary that I consider 50 degrees F warm. As for the house, all is well if not great, been getting into more 'philosophical' conversations about love. Probably because I've been 'fancying' someone and so my housemates have been trying to get me to say something.. but being the scared ass I am.. I'll ALMOST get the nerve to do or say something and then back down and think.. WTF am I doing. But oh well.. maybe I will maybe I won't.. probably maybe I won't. Not sure if the feelings are reciprocal, my housemates say yes.. I'm not so sure.

Been getting back into the dark room and I love it.. well sometimes.. I've fucked up the last three rolls of negatives I've done and no idea why or what's going on. I think the developer is wack. So we'll see.. it's making me really sad that the negatives come out so shiet. Cuz it means I have to spend more time trying to fix the damn photo w/ filters and light and etc. My first roll came out great.. I'll scan ASAP and put up photos on the England -> my art page. Been painting too just for fun. And getting more invovled with anti-war stuff. So sad. Just trying to learn all I can about what's going on. Ignorance is unfortunately a disease that plagues a lot of Americans.

Guess that's all for now. Getting late should sleep soon.
Oh yeah and I'm online finally in my room!! Slow modem, but cheaper than phone calls.. Although I'm not a big fan of the computer anymore. I kinda like hearing poeple's voices more and there's more to life than internet. haha. Ciao!