Going nowhere

Day after day it's the same thing.. dissertation work dissertation work.. and actually paid work coz I just got a job!! Yay about that one. But damn.. I feel like no matter what I do I'm never really going to understand all this ideology and Marx and everything and I really want to! But damn.. trying to define a Marxist theory of imperialism for today's modern society is not freaking easy.. not to mention I haven't even started the second dissertation on capitalism and patriarchy! I have no idea where I'm going with that one. Sometimes this stress is too much and instead of being productive I just want to run away and not face it.

There's this time.. right before I got to bed every night where I start to get anxious. Although I may be completely exhausted I don't want to go to bed.. because I'm afraid of something. Not sure what. Maybe I'm scared to face the growing pile of responsibility that I'll have to face when I wake up, maybe I'm afraid of that period of time because when I lay down I'm going to start thinking I can't jsut fall asleep immediately and then I know I'll dream those things.

I feel like I'm being pulled backwards and forwards and my life is just one big confusing ball of emotion.. coz that's me.. a big fat lame emotion ball sometimes.. all the time haha.. give me some denial privleges please! I want to say what's on my mind completely truthfully to everyone.. but that's never going to happen. It's like a blog.. you'll let some things out but you've still got your skeletons or just those little things you're afraid someone's going to hurt you with tucked away in a little chest because you're afraid of yourself.

Hmm... I think that was a few too many thoughts in one paragraph.. oh well.. Marxy poo here I come again!