Resent

I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..