ha ha
I was cleaning out e-mails and came across this link my friend sent me.
http://www.smh.com.au/ftimages/2003/03/26/1048354635257.html
Click the Ladder Theory
Friday, July 25, 2003
Friday, July 18, 2003
the right guys
So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.
Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.
So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.
Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.
Wednesday, July 09, 2003
Sunday, July 06, 2003
yay!.. boo!
So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...
yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it
boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon
July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.
So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...
yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it
boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon
July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.
Wednesday, July 02, 2003
The Office: part 1
So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at www.tolerance.org and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.
yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.
So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at www.tolerance.org and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.
yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.
Tuesday, July 01, 2003
stupid head
My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...
My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Monday, June 02, 2003
relief!
Seems that I've been more prone to stress and breaking down (meaning crying and a whole lot of frustration and anxiety overwhelming me psychologically and physically) lately and I couldn't really figure out why. Which is usually because I'll block what I can out so I don't have to feel bad feelings and therefore get on with my work. However there is a limit to everything and with the pressure of exams, trying to pass and graduate, dealing with leaving here and people here, things changing at home, finding a place to live, getting information and money moved around in the states while I'm in England, finding a job, did I mention revising for exams.. oh and exams.. and my future. So it has been realtively crazy up in my head over the last few weeks. But two days ago I got some of the best news I've ever heard! We got a house! A real house, not just a flat, a house in Huntington. I'm not sure what it looks like, but from the specs and my friends judgements it seems alright. Although my room apparently is really really tiny.. oh well I can deal with that, means less rent. And I don't have to worry about if I can get down there this summer or not. If I can, I will, if not then there will be someone living there already. So Phew.. it's nice to have a home to go back too. And now I just have to get past this last exam and I'll be okay. Then all that stands in the way really is my future.. hahaha.. finding a job or internship or just figuring out what I want to do with my life and then saying good bye.
I hate good byes
I'm lousy at them
I will hold back if i can and deny feelings so I don't have to feel anything
But I may cry
The words will escape me as to what to say
I'll cry
Hug them and walk away
and when I do I'll start bottling it all up again
Until I'm alone
Then I'll cry again
Good byes suck..
It's not even a see you later, I'll try to make a trip out once every few months..
It's more like a e-mail me coz I don't know when I'm going to see you again
Although if I have my way, it'll be next spring. :)
Saturday, May 24, 2003
revision sucks
I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.
funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence
I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.
funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence
Friday, May 23, 2003
bedtime
I really don't like going to bed lately, I don't like that bit before you fall asleep and it drives me crazy. Because I know exactly how much my mind is holding back and how much I just don't want to deal with it right now. Especially with exams coming up and trying to figure out my 'future' where I want to be and the people in my life seeming to scatter all over the place. I know that when I go home things will be the same and yet completely different at the same time. It scares me. I had this conversation with Theo today and he thinks I'm scared of everything and I realised I do get scared about a lot of things. It's not necessarily a big fear, but when I'm uncomfortable it's almost always associated with fear. I think I've built this thing up inside of me where if I'm not comfortable I get all weirded out and I don't like it. I remember too easily how little confidence I had before and what that felt like, that dark period of my life where everything would make me worry and just generally made me feel like shit. I don't want to remember it. But this uncertainty that lies before me is bringing that shit back up. But at the same time I know I'm different now I'm stronger and wiser.. but sometimes you just get tired.
Friday, May 16, 2003
Thursday, May 15, 2003
Resent
I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
oh dissertations.. how i do i love thee.. let me count the ways
Monday 5pm is the deadline to finish these suckers... I'm so tired of writing them and I'm tired of planning them and I should have gone to see my tutor today and gotten some advice on how to set this second one up.. but no I didn't. Instead I spent form 12pm to 5 pm, trying to cut 2,200 words out of my first dissertation! You think going over the word limit would be a good thing, but noooo it's a lot harder to cut out words than it is to add words I think. Luckily Mr. Barden saved me by not only reading through my 25 page paper, but showing me 'AutoSummarize' in MS word.. this little miracle tool goes through your essay and can highlight what it think it important and what you can cut out.. depending on how much of the original text you want to keep. It can do a few other nifty things as well..
anyway better get cracking faster on my second one.. capitalism and patriarchy: cycle of oppression woo hoo! at least I got the title down.
BTW: Guess who's seeing Matrix on May 21st at 8:30.. first showing in Brighton, England!!! Me!!!!!!!!!!!!! and Kristine and Matt and Peter and Hailin..
Saturday, May 10, 2003
where do i go?
just when i think i've found myself and i knew what i wanted to do with my life i've gotten lost again. it always feels like i know who i am at one point, but then the next thing you know.. poof you find yourself in a place where everything is uncertain and it's like you're walking in this thick fog where you can hear familiar voices but you're just not sure which direction to head in...
going home is going to be strange, things definitely aren't going to be the same because i've changed. just becoming more politically aware has created this thirst in me to want to read hoards and hoards of books about what's going on in the middle east and the history that led up to it, what's going on in africa because no one seems to care and especially about the US. i took AP US History in high school but honestly i can't remember very much from it, except for the major events, but my dates are all screwy if i know any of the dates at all
and with all that is going on in the world it seems like sitting at home in a 9 to 5 job where i'm doing nothing to try and help seems like such a waste. it's not the 9 to 5 part that bothers me, it's the feeling like i'm doing this job for selfish reason and only money that bothers me. i have all these big plans where i would love to work for an NGO or some international organisation where i can be helping people become more self-subsistent. the peace corps is starting to sound like a good idea as a starting point, but i'm still not even sure about that
i know i have to start from the bottom no matter what and to become a major part of an international organisation you'd need a PhD.. or at least a masters.. looks like more schooling might be in my future. as for right now, i'm not sure what to do.. i can go into human resources, but i feel that taking that path won't take me to where i want to be in life. perhaps public relations or maybe a masters in public health... well we will see i better start doing some research on this stuff as well...
that's the other problem, can't really do all the reading about stuff i'm interested in coz of my papers and exams.. not that it's not interesting.. it is.. it would just be more interesting if i didn't have to do it for a dissertation or exam.. haha... funny how if it's work no matter how interested i am in a topic i still want to procrastinate doing it.. damn psyche.
just when i think i've found myself and i knew what i wanted to do with my life i've gotten lost again. it always feels like i know who i am at one point, but then the next thing you know.. poof you find yourself in a place where everything is uncertain and it's like you're walking in this thick fog where you can hear familiar voices but you're just not sure which direction to head in...
going home is going to be strange, things definitely aren't going to be the same because i've changed. just becoming more politically aware has created this thirst in me to want to read hoards and hoards of books about what's going on in the middle east and the history that led up to it, what's going on in africa because no one seems to care and especially about the US. i took AP US History in high school but honestly i can't remember very much from it, except for the major events, but my dates are all screwy if i know any of the dates at all
and with all that is going on in the world it seems like sitting at home in a 9 to 5 job where i'm doing nothing to try and help seems like such a waste. it's not the 9 to 5 part that bothers me, it's the feeling like i'm doing this job for selfish reason and only money that bothers me. i have all these big plans where i would love to work for an NGO or some international organisation where i can be helping people become more self-subsistent. the peace corps is starting to sound like a good idea as a starting point, but i'm still not even sure about that
i know i have to start from the bottom no matter what and to become a major part of an international organisation you'd need a PhD.. or at least a masters.. looks like more schooling might be in my future. as for right now, i'm not sure what to do.. i can go into human resources, but i feel that taking that path won't take me to where i want to be in life. perhaps public relations or maybe a masters in public health... well we will see i better start doing some research on this stuff as well...
that's the other problem, can't really do all the reading about stuff i'm interested in coz of my papers and exams.. not that it's not interesting.. it is.. it would just be more interesting if i didn't have to do it for a dissertation or exam.. haha... funny how if it's work no matter how interested i am in a topic i still want to procrastinate doing it.. damn psyche.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Celebrating.. quietly...
OH MY GAWD! GUESS WHO JUST FINISHED HER DISSERTATION!! FINISHED IN THE SENSE THAT THE CONCLUSION'S A BIT SHIT AND I HAVE TO CUT OUT 1500 WORDS... BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES!!! IT'S WRITTEN! IT'S THERE!! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH JOY OF JOYS!! I'M IN THE LIBRARY SO I HAFTA BE QUIET.. BUT I'VE BEEN TEXTING ALL MY FRIENDS HERE.. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA SOOOOOOOOOOO HAPPY.. IN A STATE OF RELIEF AND EXTACSY!! AWWWWWWWWWWWWW YEAH...
now i have to start on the next one...
Friday, May 02, 2003
Going nowhere
Day after day it's the same thing.. dissertation work dissertation work.. and actually paid work coz I just got a job!! Yay about that one. But damn.. I feel like no matter what I do I'm never really going to understand all this ideology and Marx and everything and I really want to! But damn.. trying to define a Marxist theory of imperialism for today's modern society is not freaking easy.. not to mention I haven't even started the second dissertation on capitalism and patriarchy! I have no idea where I'm going with that one. Sometimes this stress is too much and instead of being productive I just want to run away and not face it.
There's this time.. right before I got to bed every night where I start to get anxious. Although I may be completely exhausted I don't want to go to bed.. because I'm afraid of something. Not sure what. Maybe I'm scared to face the growing pile of responsibility that I'll have to face when I wake up, maybe I'm afraid of that period of time because when I lay down I'm going to start thinking I can't jsut fall asleep immediately and then I know I'll dream those things.
I feel like I'm being pulled backwards and forwards and my life is just one big confusing ball of emotion.. coz that's me.. a big fat lame emotion ball sometimes.. all the time haha.. give me some denial privleges please! I want to say what's on my mind completely truthfully to everyone.. but that's never going to happen. It's like a blog.. you'll let some things out but you've still got your skeletons or just those little things you're afraid someone's going to hurt you with tucked away in a little chest because you're afraid of yourself.
Hmm... I think that was a few too many thoughts in one paragraph.. oh well.. Marxy poo here I come again!
Wednesday, April 23, 2003
AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUURGH
Yeah.. term's started, classes begin tomorrow.. 2 6,000 word dissertations due May 19th and then two unseen exams on classes that I took in freaking Autumn/Fall term/quarter!! I forgot what it's like to take tests and exams and do loooong papers. I had 5 weeks for Easter break and I was supposed to do work on my dissertations towards the end of it. I even came home early to get started.. but did I? Hahah! No way, I spent the time watching movies, eating, sitting on Brighton beach b/c it was 23 degrees Celsius.. so what.. about 75 F, went to town and wandered around, went shopping.. read about 10 pages total in two weeks. Finally I sat myself down and did 500 words in a few hours and then today came to the library, where I currently am and did 2,000 words! Whoo hoo. Feeling like more weight's been lifted off my shoulders. I've realized that he more stressed out I get, the more little itty bitty things, the bad things, and the sad things get to me in life. I should go work out or something.. too bad the gym's so freaking far and costs money to go to. Hmm maybe I'll look into a pilates class. Or just go for more walks. hehe. Okay back to my paper.
Tuesday, April 15, 2003
Lazy Ass
That's me.. one giant lazy ass. I seriously have been doing nothing but laying around all day watching movies I get from the library or off my friend's computer. Sad. I should go out there and do something with myself.. actually I should start reading more for my dissertations. It always seems easier to read for my dissertations when I'm not home and on a train traveling somewhere or in a hostel with a 12am curfew.. haha. Maybe I should plan a trip somewhere in England that's far away by train, so I can study and get some work done and then see a bit more of England. Hehe.. well we'll see. Although I should do this soon. Maybe Dustin wouldn't mind having me around for a bit. I think I'll give him a call.. someone's gotta save me from this boredom and myself.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)