i smell like garlic..

I swear I can't believe I'm here! It's absolutely incredible.. I'm LIVING in another country for a whole freaking year!! Scary to think about, but there is it. I'm here.. for the year. The weather has been nutty lately. I flew into London and was there for a three days and it was kind of cold. Needed a jacket. I had some great Indian food while I was there, compliments of the EAP office (which us students probably paid for anyway through out tuition and fees). Saw a play call the "daughter in law", it was weird and hard to understand considering they were speaking old english in english accents. I almost fell asleep. I also visited the Tate Modern, a museum of modern art, that was a lot of fun, really interesting. Let's see, I also wandered around London a lot, going to visit the stores and numerous "squares" of shops and stuff. I also went to Greenwich, where time begins and ends. You know that longitude line that starts off how time changes as you move around the globe! I was a big dork and took a picture of me standing over the line so one side of me is in one time zone and the other side is in another. haha. I'll upload it sometime maybe. I wonder if people there celebrate two new years.. when it starts and then when it ends.

After London I dragged my giant suitcase, duffel bag, travel backpack and laptop onto a taxi, off the taxi, into the train station, onto the train, off the train, onto a bus, off the bus, onto another bus and off the bus and then up some stairs and into my room. It was "great" fun. Brighton, the town I'm close too is 20 min away by bus, which isn't bad at all. I got lost the first time with my friend, so now I remember to bring the bus map. But over the last few days I've figured out how to get about. Their "beach" is not like California beaches for sure. Imagine our beaches.. covered in smooth rocks. Then you have Brighton Beach. It's like our sand blew up to the size of a large skipping stone. But it's still beautiful and sitting on the pier reminds me of home. The weather was beautiful when I go here, sunny and warm! And then two days later it rained and this morning everything was gray and wet and since I've been sitting at this computer the sun has come out again, so it's bright, but windy and cool outside. Yeah... no wonder weather's a topic of conversation here. The only topic I can really talk about sometimes with these people.

It's amazing to me how much knowledge the English and Europeans have!! They know so much and many of them have seen so much of the world by the time they're 18. Compared to us Americans they are so much more wordly. I know so many people who have never left the states and some of my flatmates have worked in other countries to make money as they traveled or taught English in third world countries. Absolutely incredible! And the information they know about other people's history and just general information is amazing. I need to start reading the newspaper more and more books so I can catch up with them.

I got my schedule finalized and I'm taking two classes, four hours a week total. I'm supposed to be receiving reading lists and then I have to pick books to go read on my own and do a lot of self-study. haha.. we'll see how that goes. I do need to pass though and graduate. These freshers.. all they have to do is pass the class.. so they're all about partying. I'm moderating myself, not to mention I'm tired and have gone through these "welcome week" acitivies three times before already. You know the whole been there done that type of thing. Maybe I'm getting old and lazy.. or just lazy. :) partying takes a lot out of you! Anyways, my flat mates are really cool and sweet. There are six girls and six guys, one of them is from France and another girl is part German, the rest are from around the UK. They're hilarious and very thoughtful people and we joke around a lot like I do with my friends back home. We all cooked dinner together last night and ate it together. We don't have a common room which sucks ass and our kitchens are tiny little things, but we managed. We fit 8 people into a kitchen where between the two counters on either side is only room enough for two of me to stand side by side. We cooked spaghetti bolonagease.. which is why I smell like garlic right now. It's still in my system. :) Well I guess that's all for now, I'm hungry and it's almost 1:30 here so I'm gonna head back to my tiny kitchen and make some food.

Bye for now!

counting down

T-minus.. uh.. several hundred minutes. Yeah I have about 8 hours before I have to leave the house and head to the airport, which means I can probably get in about a good 5 hours worth of sleep. I'm nervous and a bit scared and excited too. It's a strange feeling. Anyway, I keep feeling like I'm going to miss people and they're going to forget all about me. But I know that's not true, I am leaving gaps in people's lives just as they are leaving gaps in mine because of my absence. But distance makes the heart grow fonder. :) I will leave tomorrow knowing that I'm so incredibly loved by my family and friends. That I have people here who will always be there for me no matter what. It's an wonderfully warm feeling. I had a conversation with my friend Priya on the phone and she got me all psyched up to go. I love talking to her, she's already been abroad and her words infuse me with such energy because her passion for Europe and traveling shows in the way she speaks. I know I'm going to be okay, we humans have an incredible strength inside of us to deal with things. We often don't realize it though, but think about all the hard times you've gone through and made it to where you are now and although there will be more, you will get through those too. Look for the light. I've found mine, inside of me and in my family and friends and in the new friends I'm going to meet in England. People are such wonderful beings, you just have to find the wonderful. :)

what's the key to finding it? love

melodramatic

That's me, melodramatic, according to my friend Clay anyway. Although he didn't use those exact words, it's what he meant about the way I write. But I suppose he's right, when I write, things flow out of my more in emotions than in anything else, because that's usually what I think in. The way I feel. I supose most things anyone writes are colored by emotion. Anyway, it's my blog, so I'll write however I feel like, you can skim past all the boring stuff. :) I write to let go of things and let things out as well as let you all know what's going on in the my life. As boring as that is. At least next year, I can tell you all the places I've visited or "crazy" things I'm doing in England. haha.. yeah, if you know me and my "crazy" it probably won't be that exciting, but come by anyway. I'll try to think of something interesting to do just for you.

Besides, in everyone's somewhat self-centered lives it's always a drama.

I see in your future..

I just finished watching "life or something like it" and it got me thinking, about whether I really want to know what's going to happen in my future or not. My friend read my palm once and told me something about my future that didn't seem all that pretty and from the look on her face she was making it sound a lot nicer than it probably was. Then while I was in China my family had dinner with this monk who was now married and somewhat of a fortune teller. I won't say exactly what he said, but it followed along similar lines with what my friend had told me. Not exactly the same, but similar in a way. It was kind of scary, because if what they say is true, my future doesn't seem all that happy. Not that anyone is ever 100% happy ALL the time. Life always has it's ups and downs. But still.. if this is my future do I want it? Can I change it? Now that I know will something different happen or is it because I know that it will happen? I don't want to take too much of this to heart, because it'll scare me into not being able to live. Still.. when someone predicts and they are right most of the time it's a bit hard to ignore, not to mention the vagueness of his answers to my mother's questions about my love life don't help either.

But I worry that maybe I look for something that will never be, something too perfect in my mind and because of that I might pass by something that could have been so wonderful. But a small fear still holds me to my path. People have such power to hurt others and to be hurt by others, I don't want to be hurt or to hurt someone else. Maybe that's why I look for something too wonderful, at the same time I've seen things in front of me that are great, but something usually happens where it's just not the right time and it makes me wonder, am I making excuses? Or is it really just not the right time, or maybe not even the right person?

I'm waiting for it all to fit..hoping it will one day fit, worried that it won't.

peace of heart

it's almost 5 am and i'm suffering from jet lag. took a 5 hour nap today by accident and now i can't sleep. mostly because i keep thinking things. well trying to think of things anyway, so i can sort them out. but i've always been a person who felt my thoughts more than actually thought my thoughts. if that makes any sense at all. so many things are going through my mind right now that i can't even sort them out. i just feel it and it's driving me nuts. part of it is homesickness. odd considering i'm "home" in saratoga, i think it's because i'm missing souther california. it has been my home for the past four years, not just a place where i lived, but where i've "grown up" and it's where i feel most comfortable. i guess you could say my heart is there, most of it anyway.

on top of that, i'm leaving for England soon, 7 days to be exact. it's scary, i got my orientation packet today talking about welcome week at the university of sussex. i have to go through being a "freshman" all over again, normally this wouldn't scare me at all.. but having to do it in a completely new culture is a big frightening. it's exciting too though, but the excitment and fear has kind of scrambled itself all up inside me so that all i'm feeling is incredible nervousness and a pit kind of feeling in my stomach.

not all is bad though, this leaving has shown me who really does care about me and how much my friends are going to miss me and definately how much i'm going to miss them. i'm missing people already, but knowing that the love is still there keeps me strong and reminds me that i'm going to be okay. love is a wonderful thing and isn't just for couples, but between friends can produce amazing relationships. i thank the higher being for blessing me in my life with such wonderful people around me, who's little comments on AIM or a simple e-mail or phone call or text message, whatever it may be that sends their words to me warms my heart and calms my mind. :) thank goodness for loved ones.

So lately I've had all these thoughts running through my head, constantly. I don't always know what I'm thinking, so don't ask. I just know that they're there and bugging the heck out of me. I can't stand it anymore. It's worry, stress, happiness, fear, excitement, sadness, jealousy, joy... it's all so bittersweet leaving me feeling like i'm walking in a waking dream. All I do is eat and sleep all day, probably because my body can't handle all the noise in my head either, so it's either one of two options.. sleep so they are quiet or eat so I can think of something else. I spend a great deal of time watching the stupidest TV shows as well. Damn.. I better start clearing the mind or else I'm in BIG trouble. Tonight's random drive into the mountains helped a lot though. There's something to be said about alone time and just chilling with yourself. Funny, because I went to clear my head and sort things out and and instead nothing came to me, just peaceful calmness.. what a relief!

It's been a long time since I've posted anything. And a lot has happened during this time and a lot has gone through my head, is still going through my head.. and there will definately be more going through my head. I feel like my life is taking this huge turn, I'm almost out of school and even this coming year will not be in the same school or even the same country. It started out as an exciting adventure, applying for the study abroad program. There were a lot of papers to complete and write and people to see and I had envelopes floating all over and copies of things everywhere. As fate (I don't believe this was luck) would have it, I got accepted into the program and to my first choice school in England. So for the following year the University of Sussex will be my home. This was definately exciting news and did not get scary until the end of summer because my departure for England is fast approaching. This leaving the country for a year "thing" has definately been a catalyst for a lot of things in my life. Part of the catalyst has also been the fact that I have suddenly become aware of the fact that I am almost done with school and will shortly be leaving the safety of a well planned path for the "real world." Anyway, back to this catalyst thing. All my life, I have known how much a person with one word could impact my life. It's easy to know the impact someone has upon yourself, because you are the one feeling that impact. I have been blessed to know such great love from friends and it has turned my life around. To love is one of the greatest lessons I have ever learned and I still hang on to. I didn't realize that I was in turn impacting people, until I was getting ready to leave. Because I knew and felt that I was the one leaving and that I was the one who was going to be all alone without anything familiar in a country so far from home I took for granted many of my friendships. It didn't occur to me that my absence was going to make an emptiness in someone elses heart.

I spent this summer working SPOP and enjoying my last few moments of southern california sun before heading off to a cold, rainy, UK. It was absolutely amazing. I grew to love so many people and develop so many connections. I don't know how strong those connections are, but either way, the people who I have met this summer touched me in such an amazing way and so quickly. I told myself to leave for England "no strings attached" but it's too late. To love and give your heart to people creates a string and bond with that person. My heart is out there in hundreds of pieces to old and new friends alike. I have spent this last month saying "good bye" and it has to be one of the hardest things to do. It aches to know that I won't be seeing people I love for a whole year or feeling their hugs or hearing their voices. When I was telling this to a close friend of mine, he asked me "What if it didn't hurt? Wouldn't that mean people didn't care?" He's right, because this hurts so much I can leave known that I have something not many people have. I have lots of people to love and who love me and will miss me and who I will also miss. But I know in my heart, in the end I will be back in a year and they will be here and the love will be the same.

Thank God for Love.

friend management..

recently I realized I have pretty good time management. I'm on top of things, take care of my responsibilities and do what I plan to do. However, my friend management is another story.

oi.. it's july.. this is how busy i've been. well that and i can't get online because ATT suck and our cable modem is still on the fritz. But yeah, it seems like my life is just jam packed with constant activity and when there is no activity i'm so exhuasted i usually sleep. There's work and then summer school and then SPOP, not necessarily in that order. I should be doing a paper right now, I have to add 8 more pages to my rough draft due tomorrow and I need to read four more articles to help myself.. but whatever. I just wanted to put a note out there saying "HI". Although I don't think anyone really reads this stuff anymore, it's a nice place just to dump my day. I'm not sure I've got energy anymore, I feel like I'm running on very little sleep and a lot of love for what I do. I know I'm tried.. well at least I should be, but I don't really feel it until I stop and sit down, then it'll hit me. But hey.. how can you stop doing something you love. Life just feels good for me right now, and it's freaking great! I'll explain more later.. I can't tell I'm tired, because usually I don't ramble so badly and my thoughts are clear and fluid.. but since I've got stuff to do, I'm a mess :D yay me!

okay.. bye.

Wow.. May 30th.. already.. Craziness!! It's been over a month since I've posted and it's only because life just picked up and started running and I've been trying to keep up. SPOP has definately been taking up my time and the REACH project was too for awhile. But it turned out really really cool!! For those of you who came to see it, I really appreciate it because we worked really hard on it. I think we were all pretty proud of the exhibit. Let's see.. we'll play catch up with Vicki's life.. not that it's terribly exciting or anything. I'm getting closer to preparing stuff for England.. scary!! But I'm incredibly excited too, a new environment, new people, new types of stress.. yeah.. what can beat that.. ahhhhhh. I know next year will be up and down for sure, so make sure you write to me out there!! OR EVEN BETTER.. COME VISIT!! Yeah we'll go play in Europe.. come on.. you know you want too! So start saving up the money and vacation time so you can come visit me.

Let's see what else.. well duh.. SPOP. I have to say that my discussion group.. PEPPERONI NIPPLES!! are the best discussion group ever! You all are absolutely amazing and incredible and wonderful and I truly, honestly do love you all. We've still got the summer to go, I know SPOP can be kind of fun, intense, draining and crazy at the same time so if you ever need anyone to just chill with/talk with.. whatever I'm here for you (that goes out to all SPOP staffers)! Arrowhead was absolutely crazy!! Yeeeaahhh I hope everyone had a good time, I for sure did.. even though I did stress out a little.. it's the whole Asian mom thing. :) I'm only happy when other people are happy and I'm feeding people. hahaha.. so yeah you want dinner cooked for you.. just come to me, b/c most likely I'll do it. There's something about food that brings people together.. well that and alcohol I guess too. But alcohol isn't all that there is.. sober fun is possible. :D Trust me.. I know!! And for all the other people I still haven't gotten to know as well.. I look forward to it. :) So come chat me up or just chill w/ me.

Um... yeah so I think that's about it. still no boys.. well actually lots and lots of boys.. sorry I mean guys.. but you know how it goes.. smurfette syndrome, but damn if i don't appreciate all the guys in my life and all the girls. *muah*!

I think being sad has a lot to do with the way you see life. Therefore my theory is you can make yourself sad. Not that being sad is a bad thing, we need to be sad sometimes. But anyway, this is how I came upon this. Yesterday (i think it was yesterday) I had remembered something that made me sort of sad and I was going to write about it later, but today, I've forgotten what it was. All I remember is feeling somewhat sad yesterday over something, but since I've forgotten it I'm happy right now :) And that's even better! I sat here and tried to remember it when it dawned on me: why sit here and try to remember something sad, if you've forgotten about it, don't try to remember it. Stay with the happy feeling.

It amazes me how much people can change is such a sort time. It makes me wonder if that's who they were all along and it was waiting to come out, or if people develop completely new personalities... maybe it's a mixture of both. I can not deny my past and I wouldn't want to, I was who I was and it made me who I am today. There's still that big hopeless romantic geek inside of me and there always will be. I was just thinking about how I've grown closer to some people and apart from others and it's funny. I remember when I started out somewhat friends with this one guy and then he started to annoy me and was a bit of drama because our beliefs often clashed and yet all along we both want the same thing and understand each other a lot more than we think we did... and now we're better friends than ever. Sure our beliefs still aren't the same but at the same time he can understand what I want in love so completely.. and yes our relationship is platonic. :) but yeah he came over the other day and played me a song that made him think of me and I really appreciated it. I was just listening to it and yeaup I've come to that place in life where "I wanna always feel like part of this was mine. I wanna fall in love tonight." -(Jimmy Eat World "A Praise Chorus"). Thanks Eric.

WOW.. April!
I can't believe it. I spent Spring Break is SPAIN! It was absolutely amazing and beautiful there! The people were so friendly and the architechture was gorgeous. I was getting cranky at LAX though. I got there at 2pm, my flight was supposed to leave at 6:25.. we didn't leave until 11:00pm. There was something wrong with the AC which is supposed to keep us alive and give us air.. so yeah a good part to have working. Anyway, missed my flight in London, caught another and finally got to Madrid at 10:35 their time. That was a little over 24 hours of travel time for me. UGH. But it was wonderful to land and see Priya sitting on the railing like a little kid hehe.. she got stuck and almost fell off it. We went to Sheetal's place and had this really really yummy dinner cooked by her roommate. We left for Granada the next day and partied there, went out to bars and stuff. We shopped a little, had delicious falafel, tea, listened to some flamanco music. We also saw La Alhambra, this beautiful Mosque there, I've got pictures. It used to be a palace and it's just beautiful, the buildings are so delicate looking, w/ a lot of arch work and ponds, fountains and windows. Then we took a bus to Sevilla.. not knowing where we were going to stay that night, luckily at the bus station we found a guy who was renting out rooms. So we ended up staying with this sweet, cute old woman in her apartment. Sevilla is gorgeous too! We saw Plaza's (the Plaza d'Espagne is amazing!), churches, and processions.. lots of processions. It was Holy Week (semana santa) over there. There are these people wearing KKK looking outfits to hide their identity from all but God, for being penitent. There are hundreds that march ahead of this platform with a statue of the virgin mary crying and candles on it and a band behind it. This goes all all day from early afternoon to early morning.. like 12 hours a day for the whole week. Beautiful though. Again more bars, clubs, tapas mmmm. Then we went to Madrid and Sheetal showed us around, we went to some cool bars and a hip hop club and went shopping a bit and enjoyed Spain. So yeah, quite amazing.

I totally felt refreshed to come home. Probably because I was excited for the new quarter too! There's SPOP and friends and the summer to look forward to before I leave next year.. that's scary to think about. But right now life is GOOD.. and i'm going to enjoying it. There's no drama in my life as of yet, I know some will find it's way in later, but right now everything's good. :)

I'm contemplating cleaning my bathroom right now, the toilet and the shower could use a good scrubbing.. why am i contemplating this? Well finals are next week and this 8 page paper is going no where despite the fact that the topic is something I'm really interested in. I'm not too worried about the two other finals that I do have, because I've been pretty much on top of the reading (snoozing away on the books.. haha j/k) and I've been going to lectures (despite the fact that one of the teachers has to be one of the most boring women on earth, cheesy as hell (that's a good thing), but she's really into the topic so it was nice to see the enthusiam.. didn't save lecture though. So yeah.. in case you can't tell I'm procrastinating now. My paper is somewhere floating around behind this window I'll get to it later. Anyways, speaking of school, the other day I was at my friend Dustin's place with two other of my friends and we all got to talking, seriously talking about issues today. It was strange, but nice to actually have intellectual conversations.. I remember a time in high school when the conversation was dominated by the topic of boys and perhaps what we were going to do that weekend, occasionally school. Not saying I don't talk about that stuff now, I do, but intermixed into it now are conversations on diversity, LGBT issues, women's issues, politics, religion and more.. I guess it is a sign that we're growing up. Somewhat scary and at the same time exciting.. knowing you do have power in knowledge.

By the way congratulations to those who made SPOP staff this year! :) We're going to have fun. And to those who didn't make it, there's a reason for why things happen, if you can try out again because I know there's a lot of dope ass people that should be on staff who may not be this year. Okay.. I guess I'll take a look at the paper again.. wheeee... good luck on finals everyone.

i came to the conclusion today that i'm jealous.. jealous of the people who go out there and get fucked up on alcohol and have such a raging good time. it's not so much as i'm jealous that i can't, because my weak sauce ass can't handle the alcohol.. i'm jealous because once a person is slightly faded, or even drinking they're part of a group. a group that i'm often left out of because they look at me and go.. oh you're sober.. and don't talk to me as much. i'm not sure if it's because they think they're going to do something stupid or look stupid in front of me, or what. but then again there are those people who i can hang around and who when they drink and i'm still sober we still have an awesome time! those are usually my good friends, the ones that don't pressure me to do anything and don't care how stupid they look in front of me.. and i have to love them for that. but yeah. it just sucks sometimes because i've had people look at me and say "HOW DO YOU HAVE FUN SOBER?!" i just do. if you're a cool bunch of people i'm going to have fun no matter what, it's all about who you're comfortable with. doesn't mean i don't drink.. i do sometimes.. i just have to really be in the mood for it and with good people. i can see why people have more fun faded.. cuz your inhibitions go down and the world softens and gets warmer and "nicer".. as long as you're not on the edge of getting sick.. believe i know all the aspects of drinking.. probably because i have a knack for going through every stage in about two hours if you get a shot into me.. haha but please try and understand that there's sober fun too. alcohol is only a drink.. and if that's all i had to rely on to have fun.. my life would seem somewhat empty.. anyway.. that's how i feel.. to each man his own. :) i'll just be in the corner w/ a few good friends.

so this little thing happened to me today, it was so small.. like a 'hello' but it totally made my day!! and i got to carry that with me for the rest of the day and it just made me feel good all over. funny how such a little thing, a little word or action can make such a HUGE difference in someone's life. so do some little nice thing, it might just make someone's day a lot brighter and sweeter.

*cough cough cough cough cough hack cough gasp for breath cough cough cough* yeah so that's pretty much how it's going right now. the weekend before you can add a really runny and stuffy nose to that too. *cough cough* i think my lung is around here somewhere and my throat too.. darn it. oi. i need to get better FAST because this sickness is totally slowing me down! i don't feel like doing anything, studying, working out, nothing.. ugh.

so i have this dream where i'm with this guy and we're haning out and i think we get together and it's all peaches and cream and then he turns to me and i hear him so clearly say to me "i love you", i can't remember if i said something to him.. it might have been "thank you" but it was strange.. because this situation would probably never ever happen in real life because i don't know him that well. i wonder what it means.. hmmm but it left me with a strange feeling when i woke up, and i tried to remember if anyone (who wasn't a friend or family member) ever said that to me outloud..

okay so most guys think girls are drama right? i'd have to agree with that, we are, well we can be. but it isn't completely our fault alone, guys have to take some of the blame too. my friend was telling me about the drama she's having with her ex boyfriend.. how it still seems unclear where they stand. and then he does something that confuses her even more and when she straight up asks him what's going on he says that he did it because he thought she wanted it. that's what i'm talking about, mixed signals. boys! there are appropriate times to do stuff when you think its what we want, but if you're the ex.. then don't do it at all! it's only going to confuse us, and i have to tell you, if you haven't already noticed, females will nit pick and over analyze everything guys say and do (well most girls, i can't speak for all women). so this is to all people: say what you mean and mean what you say, same goes for actions.. i promise that i'm working on not over analyzing things and maybe learn to be a little braver while i'm at it.. can't let guys do all the work now can i? ;)

i'm waiting for my roommate to get out of the shower right now so we can grab some lunch and go to school to pick some stuff up.. so i thought i'd write a bit before heading out. it's so warm here!! high 80's, feels like low 90's almost, it's wonderful. i'm in my bikini and plan to kick it on the beach and boardwalk today.. which is right outside my house. :D muwahahahaha.. awww yeah. i'm a summer baby which is probably why i love warm weather more than cold... so then why the heck am i going to england next year to study!! where summer weather requires a long sleeved shirt still!! yeah.. i got accepted to the university of sussex.. i have to admit i'm excited, but i know i'm going to be incredibly homesick too.. so you lovely friends of mine out there, save up your cash and vacation days and come see me! please!! i'm going to be so lonely :( hahaha hopefully not.. i'd like to think i can make friends anywhere i go.. well we'll see next year. okay i'm off for now. peace out and have a great day!