re-inking a fading tatoo

*GASP* you know that sound that people make when they come up for air and desperate need it? that sound feels like it's sitting deep inside my chest and echos in my ears lately. it's been almost two years and it feels like forever since she left us. for some reason as i get closer to the two year anniversary (if you can call it that) i have this desperate feeling that passes through me. i'm afraid i'll forget what she was like... her hugs and kisses, the sound of her voice, our talks, her teaching me how to cook (over the phone usually), just everything. i feel like i need to go through every memory of her that i have in my head like i'm trying to re-ink a fading tatoo.

i don't want to forget anything because this is all i have left. but i desperately want to see her now, to smell her, hug her, hold her and love her. i want to be able to ask her what to do now and to be able to ask those questions in the future when i need too. i want to be able to make new memories but i can't and it feels like i'm gasping for air trying to feel her again.

i don't want to forget her and it feels like so much time has passed.. i don't ever want to forget any of it, but there's this fear that her presence will fade and i will forget as more time passes.. how do you hold on and let go at the same time?