Dalai Lama

I thought I'd enlighten myself and go listen to the Dalai Lama speak when he came to the bay area last weekend. When I was contemplating going I asked a friend if she thought I'd be able to understand it and she said probably. It's going be difficult, but that I would be able to get a gist. That's pretty much all I got minus a few sections here and there. But it was definitely amazing. I was giddy with excitement when I got to the Bill Graham Civic Auditorium... I was going to see the Dalai Lama.. that's like seeing the president or the queen!

The amazing thing is, he walks in and you just feel everything he symbolizes and there's this peaceful, calm, modest aura about him. I'll be honest I got more from just being in the same room as him than from what he was talking about.

It is amazing how simplicity can require so much discussion and incredibly difficult to explain. I wish I could tell you more, but I can't, I'd have to study a whole lot more outside of my one course in college and a two day lecture from the Dalai Lama himself.

So if you want to know what he was talking about?

Empty yourself of everything for enlightenment.

ques-flecting
(stole this from greedi in 2004... finally filled it out for 2006)

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
i adopted a dog and stuck to my convinctions in being totally honest after lying to myself for too long and went to a hula competition!

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more
for next year?
hmm can't remember if i had new year's resolutions and haven't made any for 2007, just trying to live life for each day.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
yeaup! my auntie and uncle.. our first new cousin in 8? 9? years! she's adorable! and my hula sister!

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My best friend and my dog. Can you get used to death? or does that mean you just understand it better...

5. What countries did you visit?
none.. but I did go to Costa Rica in 2007 and planned it in 2006.. does that count?

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
peace of heart and peace of mind

7. What date(s) from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
June 3, 2006 - hello HEART! , August 27, 2006 - goodbye heart, December 26, 2006 - goodbye again heart.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Making it through like a normal person and kept most of my optimism and love of life.. most of it.

9. What was your biggest failure?
not sure if it can be considered a failure.. life happens, you have downs.

10. Did you suffer any illness or injury?
only heart break

11. What was the best thing you bought?
my dog!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
ameer, he really lived life up here and helped keep me going some days whether he realizes that or not. i really admire that he made it up here and miss him terribly after he moved back down.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
the desperation of some people in this world.. those who would be capable of shooting and killing and innocent human being for no good reason.

14. Where did most of your money go?
somewhere between my savings account and my dog

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
adopting my furbaby (notice a pattern here?), he taught me how to love again in the short time he was with me, he was my heart and my everything

16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Grace by Kate Havenik

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
freer in a strange way with aches in my heart, but a smile on my face

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Appreciated more people and spent time with more people

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
wasting time indoors

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
not sure yet, but will be with family :)

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
hopelessly and completely, with a toothless, 11 year old, deaf pup who's tongue always stuck out to the left

23. How many one-night stands?
z-e-r-o

24. What was your favorite TV program?
Grey's Anatomy, I related to that show a little to well in 2006

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
hate is a strong word.. i have developed some dislikes for some people who weren't who i thought they were

26. What was the best book you read?
dog books, you'd be surprised what you can learn about yourself and people.. that or buddha in your mirror

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
gotan project - thanks tracy!

28. What did you want and get?
love

29. What did you want and not get?
haha.. a clearer idea of my goals

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
i can't remember, i watched so many in my queue.. yay for movies sent to your home to appease my laziness!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 26, had a great BBQ on the weekend, spent the actual day with my hula sisters and my dog.

32. What is one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not losing loved ones

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
comfortable

34. What kept you sane?
my dog and my friends

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Greg Sanders on CSI :) oo la la!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
*sigh*.. don't want to go there

37. Who did you miss?
the friends and family i couldn't see easily and the ones that have gone too soon

38. Who was the best new person you met?
oh geez.. now why play favorites? I met a lot of new people.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
death happens, you can't keep feeling sad your whole life and it doesn't diminish how much you love or miss the person/dog if you feel happy.. so go ahead, feel happy again.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Dont know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it was
Turn my grief to grace

Nothing comes easily
Where do I begin?
Nothing can bring me peace
Ive lost everything
I just want to feel your embrace

"Grace" - Kate Havenik

Updates list of countries and states I've visited..

Countries - hopefully one day I can hit 100 :) My friend Tracy and I had a conversation about this, apparently there's a club you can join if you've visited 100 or more countries, easier said than done..



create your own visited country map
or check our Venice travel guide

States - Wish - to drive across the US and visit random things and people.



create your own personalized map of the USA
or check out ourCalifornia travel guide

how many broken hearts have you had in your lifetime?

i saw that question on one of those survey's that friends forward you and if you don't fill out and forward will have 7 years of badluck... i probably have 3 lifetimes worth of bad luck by now.. hmm that might explain some things.

i don't believe that anyway, so it doesn't matter. but it got me thinking about broken hearts, just how do you know your heart is really broken? for me it's based on comparison.

my first love, it was wonderful, fleeting, and naive. you fly high and fast and passion comes to mind. but it also means you fall just as fast and HARD, like your whole body slams into the group and it hurts.

but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as when my grandfather died. suddenly, that first heart break was pulled into perspective. but he was older and had been getting sicker, it made it a little easier to understand. after he passed away i remembered when i lost my uncle at 14. he was like an older brother and we were quite close. i didn't quite understand death at the point, i know i hurt a lot, but it almost seemed easier to bounce back from that.

then it got worse, an infinite times worse when i lost my mother. she got sick and was gone in 3 months, i hadn't even had time to get over the denial that she might die before she actually did. i didn't have any time to process and then really spend time with her. my days at the hospital were spent reading a book, unable to speak much to her about deep feelings for fear of crying. just 3 months before she was laughing and going on spur of the moment trips to hawaii with my dad. she was still teaching me how to cook my favorite dishes over the phone and advising me on what to do since i had just graduated. i didn't even realize how deep my denial was until it was all over, too late. my heart had shattered in a way i never imagined possible and didn't see coming.

i didn't think i would be able to love like i wanted to love again. after i returned from england i really felt i was in a place to be in a relationship and ready to start a "new chapter" - yes it was cliche, but that's how i felt. i was happy, free from drama and content. and then i was throw for a loop. i didn't know what to do... funny thing was 3 years later, i learned to love again from a fluffy, white, toothless dog with a dopey grin. he walked in at just the right moment.. because 3 months later i received the worst phone call of my life.

the san diego police called to tell me that my best friend had been shot and murdered just 2-3 hours after i had last spoken to her. i was the only one they could reach and they needed her parents phone number to notify them. i spent the rest of the day with griffy in my lap, making phone call after phone call, repeating the same words twice.. "karen was shot and killed this morning".... "WHAT?!"... "karen was shot and killed this morning". our friends came over and we sat together, unable to say much, but appreciating that we could just be together.

it was after losing karen i stopped mourning my mother. i didn't realize i had spent so much time so hurt and sad and angry. after karen died i realized how much i had been carrying over the last 3 years and knew i couldn't keep going like this. they wouldn't want me to go on like this and i "snapped" out of it. i still let myself get sad and angry, i no longer block it out or push it away. i soak it in, let myself feel it, let myself cry and scream alone or with someone and then i let it go.

this helped prepare for the day after christmas when i had to make the decision to put griffy to sleep. his kidney's had failed and his age accelerated the process. we tried hospitalizing him and doing fluids, but he had a few seizures in the span of 24 hours and i knew i had to make that choice. he helped me in ways i never imagined possible in the 7 months i had him. i remembered what it was like to love something so much. as devastating as it was to lose him so soon and also so suddenly i let myself feel the pain and kept on going.

death doesn't stop, it doesn't discriminate against age, sex, color, religion... it's part of life, it happens. i know my heart will break again, either from losing a loved one or losing someone's love... i know i'll be okay. all i can do is let my heart break, "mend it", and keep on going..

because a heart that can be broken isn't really broken after all... right?

friends

"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

some of my most content moments have been with friends.

some of the most painful moments have been with friends.

sometimes you need to break up with a friend.

sometimes you just need to hug one.

Dear you,

I went to visit you on Wednesday, before I went to work. I went to a hula conference over the weekend and it was one of the most amazing experiences I've had in awhile. I got to take workshops with some amazing kumu hula's and it moved me. One song in particular, Nani Ahiahi, it was the last workshop I did with all my hula sisters that were there. It was wonderful. I danced it for you when I went to visit, I hope you saw it. You know there's this moth (maybe it's you) that always, always shows up when I visit you by myself. It's the strangest thing.. I'm sure it's coincedence, but I'd like to think maybe it's a part of you. :)

I can't tell you how much I miss you lately. I just want to talk to you, hear your voice and your laugh. Know that I'll see you soon and feel your hug. But now it will be a long time before that happens, or at least I hope it will be.

I'm heading to Disneyland this weekend and you were supposed to join us. We were going to run amuck among the gay men, sporting our smart red shirts, drooling over guys we'll never have. Jen sent me an evite for a Tahoe trip, it falls on what would have been the 3rd Annual Tahoe trip, but I can't bring myself to plan it without you yet. Maybe next year.

Some days it feels okay, and some days I want to weep. I don't feel so sad about my mom anymore, I'm not sure if your passing helped me through it..I sometimes wonder if I'm still in shock, or if I really have reached an understanding with death. It's unavoidable, we can't predict it, we can barely expect it. It happens. I can feel sad and I can grieve and then I can still be okay. I can miss you both and love you both forever, but I don't have to always be sad doing it. Neither of you would want me doing that, grieving forever. Because I could be doing it for the rest of my life.

We'll all go one day. Until then I'll live my life as full as I can, remembering everything you both taught me and how much you loved me. Then I'll see you again.

Love,
Me

Remembering

Happy 55th birthday mom. I love you and I miss you.

if remembering details about people is usually a sign of your love for them, she loved so many of us

I want to tell you a story, about a group of friends that started in Elementary school and grew up to be young, mature adults with the help of each other. I can't remember the exact details how this group started, but they have come a long way with each other. It was the forming of a strange, yet wonderful family, a group of brothers and sisters. This group would attend each other's birthday parties, experience childhood innocence and fun together. When the girls discovered boys, they would chase them, write stories about them, and go through all the years of teenage angst together. They would fight and make up, annoy each other, love each other and support each other through hard times. They would grow up and graduate high school only to scatter across the United States. One would think that would make them grow apart, but it didn't. Thanksgiving, Christmas, and summer would bring them back together again and as they experienced college life, serious significant others, graduating from college, and quarter life crises, they would grow closer and closer, despite all their differences. The plan was for them to watch each other grow older, find husbands and wives, get married, have children, and then watch their children play together and have lots of aunties and uncles. Unfortunately, a tragedy had befell this group earlier than they expected and little did they realize that they would need each other more than ever before. This group has spent this last week supporting each other, loving each other and today we have come together to remember the one we've lost.

Karen and I used to have this particular conversation over and over in the last few years since we both graduated college. And we would talk about it all the time, because it would amaze us at how lucky we both were to have so many close friends who know our past and was here for our future. There aren't many people out there who even talk to elementary or high school friends anymore, but we are different. She and I talked about how, if we met some of our high school friends in college, we may not have become close friends with them because we have become different individuals with many different interests. But having shared everything in our past and grown up with similar influences, our group is that close and I know Karen cherished every relationship she had with each one of us. As we've all matured and experienced new things in our life we've become even closer. Instead of attending each other's birthday parties, we are now going to each other's weddings.

Karen said it felt like having a larger family. As we've all grown older, we've come to see the differences in each other, yet still love each other for who we are. Karen was the best at that, she always loved each one of us for exactly who we are. For many of us Karen was our first friend, although quiet and somewhat shy as a child, she was the first to make many of us feel welcome. Something about her was just so approachable. Maybe it was the way her nose scrunched up, you couldn't be scared of the silly faces that she made or that laugh that would fill her smile and shine from her eyes. You were lucky if you got to meet her, she was quirky and fun and so loving. In high school we made up this family (don't ask me how it started, it's a long story, and something kids would do)… but she was the matriarch, the center of this family. Probably because she was the one who could remember everything we all did. She had this amazing memory and in a way was our historian. She could remember where we were, who was there, and what we all had been doing… sometimes even who said what. She was the best at remembering birthdays.

She paid attention to people and remembered even the small minute details. If she was out somewhere and saw something she thought someone would like, she'd surprised them with it. She always went out of her way to support us and be there. Whenever I was depressed, she had the right words to say, sometimes even if I didn't want to hear it. Even when she knew I wouldn't take her advice, she would still be there to listen to me complain or cry over the same subject over and over again… she was just there. As we've shared stories about her over this week, there are so many that talk about how she was like an older sister, always making sure people were okay. She was so calm when it came to her friends being in crisis, she let one friend throw up on her and was there to comforting another when she was throwing up in her car. We didn't give it a second thought when we decided to become roommates, it just felt like living with my sister. While we lived together she would often bring me coffee when I was tired, or food if I had been too lazy to cook. Karen always tried to show how much she loved us and made us feel special. Now that she's gone, her spirit will always remain with us and I know we will still hear her voice guiding us in our lives.

I know she would be proud that our family has come together today to draw strength from each other. I know none of us could be going through this without each other's support. So Karen, don't worry about us, we'll be okay, we'll take care of each other and support each other and things will be okay. We'll share stories about you to our children and will love and remember you forever.

Vote 4 Paws for Griffen!

http://www.skeeterspals.org/contest/viewphoto.php?photoid=385

Thanks!

More more info on Griffen click here.

when do you let it die?

"I’ve cut a lot of people out of my life for different reasons over the years, some of them even good friends, and always quickly without looking back. I’m not one for regrets. I’ve generally always believed that most of the people in your life are not meant to remain there. Friends and relatives die, relationships drift apart or explode, people change, move away, or go to jail. Until this happened, I never had any reason to doubt. Reviving my friendship with Momo is unfamiliar territory for me and I am treading through it carefully, surprised at what I am learning: not everything left for dead really is. Some relationships are actually in a coma. Some are zombies, wandering aimlessly without a soul. The trick is learning to tell the difference between them and knowing when to resucitate, and when to grab a shotgun and put it out of its misery." - Unexpected Necromancy: Raising an Old Friendship from the Dead by Lucky Machete

I was reading this article on "Who is Isabelle?", it's a great website full of chic reading and thoughts. Girls go check it out, boys go for some insight. Anyway, it got me thinking about my friendships, my relationships, ex boyfriends and how you can let a friendship die, never nuture it, or only nuture it a little bit to keep it barely breathing... perhaps hoping one day you'll finally give it the attention you've been meaning to give them. But life keeps on moving and sometimes those barely breathing friendships fade away and by the time you go to nuture it, you realize it's gone. Then there's a lot of awkwardness and sadness, sometimes it's the opposite and you re-learn things about that person and remember again and suddenly your friendship is back breathing and walking again.

I've realized I've made quite a few friends in my life, many whom after moving away from the physical area I rarely speak to again. Yet I still have very fond thoughts of many of them and feel that if I were to see them again, it would be good times. (Of course with the current development of myspace you can add the occasional comment just to say hi, i'm still thinking of you). There are others that I make sure to try and nurture and contact at least once every couple of months, hoping to keep it breathing so that when I see them again, so that it isn't just about playing catch up but seeing really how they are doing and feeling, not just what's been happening in their lives.

anyway.. there's more but that should be for a over dinner or coffee/boba conversation. don't really want to post it here since apparently there are some people who actually do read my blog. :) Thanks friends!

Love at 9 years old

My friend and I took a walk today, into our past by way of conversation. It was hilarious. She mentioned that she had recently come upon photos of her and I when we were young. I was trying to recall the first time I met her or even spoke to her, but I can't. I thought it was middle school, she says it was elementary. Or at least that's where we knew of each other's existence. I'm not quite sure if we ever talked, although I suppose we must have since our friends were the same. At least hi..

Anyway, it got me thinking about moments in my life that I still remember. They're not quite vivid anymore, but I remember them happening.. or at least I'm pretty sure they did.. who knows with memories anymore. I think the way these work is hopefully someone else who experienced it remembers it too. So there was my first friend, gloria and through her jenny, this was my first real Saratoga memory. Well that and losing my She-ra doll in our house when we first moved in. I think I was sad for about a day and came to the conclusion that she went on a trip. Don't ask how the mind of a 7 year old works.. gloria and I became friends because we were both shy, so we stuck to the back of the room. Then I remember my first crush, zach, he was in my 3/4th grade class. He was nice and I think he was cute, blond hair, blue eyes.

Then came the beginning of the boy crazy years. I'm not even really sure why I liked these guys, mostly I think because they were nice. I remember conversations among my girl friends, so who's your #1 crush... #2? Yes those were grand times, we thought we were so grown up and life was so complicated.. little did I know.. it gets worse. I remember chasing some boys around the playground with my friends Alvina and Katy.. we chased the boys all around the playground and they made the mistake to climb up the jungle gym.. a ha! trapped! I think Alvina made them give up who they liked, it was hilarious. I believe it was four boys and us.. turned out two had crushes on me (those two were also my #1 and #2, yeah I was a pimp!) and the other two like Katy and Alvina. Keep in mind.. we're 9 years old. What do 9 years old know about love?!

I remember throughout 10th grade my #1 crush and I wrote letters to each other. Yes.. 9 year old's writing "love" letters. I wish I still had them, they were hilarious. I remember finding them in high school and I couldn't stop laughing, it was great. (Coz you know in high school our idea of love is waaay more mature.. *note sarcasm*). I think my idea of love at 9 years old was better, things got more complicated in high school.. we got stupider about love too. I remember the letters ended when he went off to private school and I moved into middle school. That's when the trauma that is your friends helping you with your crushes kicked in. My #2 crush had the unfortunate circumstance, in that he went to the same middle school (we only had one where I lived). So he bore the brunt of all my friends doing stupid things.. this included loud talking using code names as we walk by them, them for some reason throwing my picture on his desk after school (thank you jane for saving me that day). I didn't suffer as badly as some others.. one friend followed another person's crush.. followed so closely she wasn't looking and stepped on his heel, there were the prank phone calls, the suggestive ones.. "so.. if so and so liked you, what would you think..". Oh it was awful, I'm pretty sure we were worse than most other normal kids our age. This is what happens when you grow up in a semi-strict culture and you have too much idle time. Instead of smoking or drinking.. we talked about boys, crushed on them, and pretended we knew what love was and all the pains and joys that come with it.

Believe it or not, we all survived middle school.. only to make it worse in high school. This time though the embarrassment factor was 10x higher. You're awkward and gawky.. or at least I was, dressed in my fancy art show sweatshirts and black leggings (I was so behind the times and my friends loved me so much they never said a word). I didn’t own my first pair of jeans (after 6 years old) until my junior year of high school.. sad isn’t it. I’m not longer ashamed to say this out loud.. I was a fashion freak. To top it off, I managed to burst the button off the jeans bending down for a book in the library, I was mortified, at least I was alone.. and thank goodness for the baggy art show sweatshirt (yes.. I was still wearing them). I remember at some point, I stopped liking guys, or at least the ones that were in my high school. I had just been around them for so long, the crushing kind of just ended. Granted #2 followed me there too and for the first 2 years I entertained the idea. Now that I think about it, I think I kept liking him out of idleness.. there was nothing else to do and my friends all had crushes on people and so he was mine. He was cute and very, very nice. I’m sure he still is. When I had stopped liking him, that was when he asked me to junior prom. I recall his best friend at the time, asking what I would do if he asked me.. and suddenly the tables were turned! It was his friend doing the embarrassing prelim interview now.. muwahahaha. I remember shooting back, we’ll see what happens if he asks. He did, I went, we had a great time, no pressure, just fun. Senior year went along pretty normally, I ended up crushing on a guy from a different school.. I should have been outreaching to other schools in the first place! I ended up at prom with a good friend and again we had a blast, no pressure, just fun. I think that’s the way to go.. I’ve always ended up having a great time with guy buds.. why? No pressure. I get to love them and have a great time and loads of laughs, plus if they’re really close friends, you can still snuggle without consequences and complications. Oh young love… how simple it was. Sometimes I wish I was still 9 years old, love wasn’t so complicated then.

dreaming of Italy

I'm not sure why, just been thinking about it a lot. Perhaps because it's the last my family went on vacation when my mom was still around. Anyway, I got attached to Florence, there was something about the town that I just loved. The whole area was wonderful. So I was trying to remember the name of this restaurant we went to that I desparately want to return to and finally found it after 30 minutes of searching online and then realizing I had written the name down as a caption under a photo I uploaded years ago.. thank goodness! So before I forget again.. Trattoria Pandemonio, just across the river on Via del Leone. Ask for Mamma!

Pandemonio
Telephone 055.22.40.02 Price Range €€€
Address Via del Leone, 50r Quarter Oltrarno - Piazza Tasso
Open 1:00 - 3:00 , 7:30 - 11:00 Closed Sunday

Do you have the Right Stuff?

So I was looking up some information for an auction item for our agency's BBQ/Auction (by the way tickets are on-sale - $35/adult, $10/child.. great food, great auction items.. and my company - priceless!

Anyway, so I was googling.. the Right Stuff. I was looking for the health clubs and instead pops up this.. The Right Stuff. A dating site for graduates and faculty of "excellent universities and colleges". You can see a list of who is considered "excellent" by clicking this link.. "Select Schools". So sad.. I'm sure if I write to her and say, hey what about UC Irvine, US News has us ranked 40th in the nation, she's turn her nose up at me and say, I don't think so. I never really understood what all the hype was about. No matter where you go, you'll end up with almost the same education. Granted, graduating from MIT almost gaurantees you a 80K a year job while graduating UC doens't really guarantee you anything.

I still remember a time when a friend told me that I should seriously consider transfering because why whould I want to graduate with a degree from Irvine. That I should consider a better school, like UC Davis (which by the way ranks 48th according to US News - not that that means anything either). I doubt he remembers ever saying that, but I wanted to smack him with my two inch psychology book for saying that to my face. He didn't realize it, but he basically called me stupid.. indirectly of course.

There was another time when an MIT grad friend told me her company was looking for people... the catch? They had to have graduated from an "excellent university". So sad, think of all the cheaper talent they could have missed out on. Some smart people can't afford to go to ivy leagues you know!! *shaking fist at air* Not saying I'm all that smart, probably more "street" savvy.. and I'm not talking about East LA or EPA streets... more along the lines of wordly streets. Anyway, I deviate... I'm sure some people would just read this and say... 'oh she's just bitter she didn't get into a better school.' Me? I'm just thankful I don't regret any part of my college career.

It just got me thinking about how the value of our selves in the working world and now even the dating world is based on what we can write under education on our resume. As you know people adjust their resumes for the jobs that they apply to.. well ladies and gents, time to dust off those pens and start thinking about how you want to sound to your future spouse (assuming you want to get married).

Hmm.. there's an idea, what to date me? Sumbit your resume, you'll receive a call back if you're selected for a first round interview, then we'll talk.

at some point

...you break, you fix yourself, everything becomes okay again, you give up, you're in that moment, you're in that memory, you're reliving a nightmare, you're dreams are coming true... at some point...



you can't explain it to people, you're tired of talking about it and you think people are tired of hearing about it. they give you the same advice over and over again, but no one who isn't living it can't really understand and there aren't any who haved lived it because it's never done. you'll live with it for the rest of your life and then someone will live with your it.

quite often it's dark here and you plug along because deep down inside you know you're completely sane and rational and that life wasn't like this before. but you still wish there was help somehow. someone who wasn't involved who could help you find peace with this point. yet somehow where you look for help it isn't about helping others anymore, why because others who have come before you have abused the helpers.

we all become so mixed up with all the experiences we have, we think we know better than anyone else and the only real path to peace is finding others like you who understand, but even then it's usually a connection to that one point, so you find others who will understand other parts and eventually you'll reach a point...

must love dogs

there is something to be said about a man who loves animals (well really about anyone who loves animals), particularly dogs. they are great human companions and quite often we fall in love with them rather quickly and they become our children. if you are a person who loves dogs or owns one you know what I'm talking about.

someone asked me how i could love griffen when i've only had him for a month. how could you not! dogs will love you unconditionally, you become the center of their world. they rely on you for food and love in the form of hugs, scratches, belly rubs, and playtime. in return they are devoted to you and love you back. they are the perfect companion. easy to please and with a look you can never say 'no' to.

now it's hard to give your heart or even share it with someone else. there's a danger in getting hurt, yet we will give our hearts to our animals quickly and without hesitation. now to watch a guy do that.... there's something to be said for men who love dogs.

voicemails

i like getting voicemails that someone's leaving you as you are calling them back. :)

fourth of july

Now I suppose I should post this tomorrow, but whatever. It feels like today should be the holiday, when are holiday's on Tuesdays! It's weird.. I went to work today and it only took me 8 minutes. Everything about this holiday feels strange this year.

I woke up and left the house and it was cloudy and there weren't any cars on the road.. barely any cars while I was driving. It almost felt like everyone else knew a secret and I missed out. Like they all left and I was stuck here.

The weird thing is, I usually don't celebrate the fourth of july, usually what happens is random mixes of friends, strange bbq's and sometimes fire works.

There are a few fourth of july's I do remember..

July 4, 1990

Driving around in our station wagon trying to find fireworks with my family and find the best spot to view them. It was funny, I think we got in the car and drove somewhere.. decided it wasn't that great, and while the fireworks were going off.. drove around again to find a better spot. It was great fun, there were pillows involved and lots of comfy lying down space.

July 4, 1997

With high school friends.. again driving around, just being stupid. Why? Because we had our licenses and at least some of us had cars. I don't really recall seeing fireworks.. hearing them yes.. visual contact.. no.

July 4, 1999

After our first year of college, we were all back in town. Summer fun and time to reconnect. We went to De Anza college and laid down on the grass. We put down all our sweaters and everyone's head was on someone else's tummy. It was the most fun I remember having at on a fourth. There we were all comfy, surrounded by tons of people doing the same thing, all watching the same bright shots of light in the sky.

July 4, 2002

I missed not celebrating, so I called up random people. It was the strangest mix.. Jane, Efrain, Luis, Angel, Clay, Me and a small little grill. Ef and Luis brought some great carne asada and did the bbq'ing. We all took a trip across the street later to purchase fireworks.. with the help of Jane's sweater and some boobie and direction from Clay we scored twice as many fireworks as we paid for. They were less than spectacular, but fun when you're full of food and beer. Then of all the randomness.. we went to a Kappa Sig house party in Newport. Interesting night.

July 4, 2006 (almost.. in another 3 hours)

The holiday is almost here and I can't help but feel that this is another holiday without my mom. As I was walking my dog, I was thinking about my family.. and for some reason Tahoe popped into my head. Tahoe in the summer.. the smell of it, the memories from all the vacations I've taken there. I think one future July 4th.. I'd like to spend in Tahoe, remembering my mom, eating bbq, and listening for fireworks. :) As for tomorrow.. four years later and here we are again, nothing planned. I'm sorta hoping something fun and surprising will happen...

My New Baby!

I made a decision to adopt a dog, but I didn't want to rush into it. Since this is a lifelong (at least for them) commitment. I wanted this dog to be happy, especially since I'm not always home, ie.. work. So I was going to approach this with care and find my perfect match. It just so happens I met him this weekend and he wiggled his way into my life. His name is Griffen, he's 11 years old (he'll live to be about 17-20), he has no teeth, but he's still got a happy grin and adores people. He's an absolute sweetheart and so lovey.

His story: Furry Friends Rescue thinks he was either lost or abandonded and then lived as a stray for quite awhile. Long enough for his diet to become so bad his teeth had almost rotted away. He was found and turned into the Fremont shelter, no one wanted to adopt him. He was going to be put down, and I believe was in the room, when a Furry Friends Rescue volunteer saw him and rescued him. Normally a dog is adopted within 4-6 weeks, but no one seemed to want Griffen. He was with his foster mom for a little over a year before I came upon his pictures on petfinder.com. I wasn't so sure about him as he seemed a little big, but it was mostly due to his fluffy fur. When I saw his photo on the Furry Friends Rescue site and read his information, the more I began to like him. It turned out we were a great match and when I met him I knew he was the one (wish finding a future husband was that easy). And voila! I adopted him and took him home and now he's mine. :)

Embrace and Detach

"What I'm doing now... is detaching myself from the experience."

Detaching Yourself?

"Yes. Detaching myself. And this is important - not just for someone like me, who is dying, but for someone like you, who is perfectly healthy. Learn to detach... You know what the Buddhists say? Don't cling to things, because everything is impermanent."

But wait, Aren't you always talking about experiencing life? All the good emotions, all the bad ones?

"Yes."

Well how can you do that if you're detached?

"Ah... But detachment doesn't mean you don't let the experience penetrate you. On the contrary, you like it penetrate you fully. That's how you are able to leave it."

I'm lost.

"Take any emotion - love for a women, or grief for a loved one... If you hold back on the emotions - if you don't allow yourself to go all the way through them - you can never get to being detached, you're too busy being afraid. You're afraid of the pain, you're afraid of the greif. You're afraid of the vulnerability that loving entails.

"But by throwing yourself into these emotions, by allowing yourself to dive in, all the way over your head even, you experience them fully and completely. You know what pain is. You know what love is. You know what grief is. And only then can you say. 'All right I have experience that emotion. I recognize that emotion. Now I need to detach from that emotion for a moment.'"

-tuesdays with Morrie, by Mitch Albom pg 103-104



I somehow learned that love was one of the greatest feelings and emotions on earth and that if I loved, I would be loved in return. But this is also how I have come to know "goodbyes" so thoroughly as well. I have been so blessed in my life with the people who've I've encountered through the years and who I've established long and deep friendships with. I think someone was watching out for me. Perhaps I didn't realize it but it would give me the support I would need when the good byes got to be too much for me to bear on my own. I haven't ever had to break up with many people, but I have had to say my fair share of goodbyes.

Goodbyes weren't so hard before. I'd embrace it and feel it, cry and hug those I was leaving. Promising to keep in touch even though it was difficult, we still try. But at least most of those moments during the time we had with each other helped create a great relationship that would let me come back and pick up where we left off. So the goodbye would come, but I knew there would be more moments of love and joy. I let myself love people as completely as I could because the returns are always greater and it's so much easier to trust and love than be bitter and mean. I guess I was addicted because for my whole life, the more I gave love the more I received it. You couldn't go wrong. Even the goodbye's still couldn't stop me from loving.

It helped because I still had my own source of never ending love from my family, parents, brother, cousins, aunts, uncles, "aunts", "uncles", long time family friends, etc. My parents love for their children helped raise happy, loving kids who learned to give to others and to love others. I learned to see people for who they are and for loving them for who they are. Things were wonderful and I almost had the perfect family. But then one of those sources, a major one, my mother passed away. Suddenly it's become harder and I felt I couldn't love like I did before, but I was wrong. I still do, but what's changed now is how I deal with goodbye's.

I'm still trying to learn how to grieve. I don't want to hang onto this anymore, I've let myself cry, but yet it still doesn't seem to be enough. Will I be crying for the rest of my life? My friend did some research to help me after my mom passed and she read that although it seems like I'm spirling downwards, it's really just me letting go more and more. So I've taken that advice to heart and I'm trying to get it out. I know I'm lucky I have safe people to cry to, who will let me cry and who I can share my pain with, but it still feels like never ending pain. Especially when new goodbye's come up, it feels like new pain layered on old pain. Suddenly I'm back in a whirlwind of feelings of pain, hurt, loss... I've got the embracing the emotion part down... but how does one detach and leg it go?

What's going to happen in the future if I can still love, but I can't let go of my goodbye's.

vous aviez l'habitude de dire la bonne nuit à moi presque chaque nuit