how many broken hearts have you had in your lifetime?

i saw that question on one of those survey's that friends forward you and if you don't fill out and forward will have 7 years of badluck... i probably have 3 lifetimes worth of bad luck by now.. hmm that might explain some things.

i don't believe that anyway, so it doesn't matter. but it got me thinking about broken hearts, just how do you know your heart is really broken? for me it's based on comparison.

my first love, it was wonderful, fleeting, and naive. you fly high and fast and passion comes to mind. but it also means you fall just as fast and HARD, like your whole body slams into the group and it hurts.

but it didn't hurt nearly as bad as when my grandfather died. suddenly, that first heart break was pulled into perspective. but he was older and had been getting sicker, it made it a little easier to understand. after he passed away i remembered when i lost my uncle at 14. he was like an older brother and we were quite close. i didn't quite understand death at the point, i know i hurt a lot, but it almost seemed easier to bounce back from that.

then it got worse, an infinite times worse when i lost my mother. she got sick and was gone in 3 months, i hadn't even had time to get over the denial that she might die before she actually did. i didn't have any time to process and then really spend time with her. my days at the hospital were spent reading a book, unable to speak much to her about deep feelings for fear of crying. just 3 months before she was laughing and going on spur of the moment trips to hawaii with my dad. she was still teaching me how to cook my favorite dishes over the phone and advising me on what to do since i had just graduated. i didn't even realize how deep my denial was until it was all over, too late. my heart had shattered in a way i never imagined possible and didn't see coming.

i didn't think i would be able to love like i wanted to love again. after i returned from england i really felt i was in a place to be in a relationship and ready to start a "new chapter" - yes it was cliche, but that's how i felt. i was happy, free from drama and content. and then i was throw for a loop. i didn't know what to do... funny thing was 3 years later, i learned to love again from a fluffy, white, toothless dog with a dopey grin. he walked in at just the right moment.. because 3 months later i received the worst phone call of my life.

the san diego police called to tell me that my best friend had been shot and murdered just 2-3 hours after i had last spoken to her. i was the only one they could reach and they needed her parents phone number to notify them. i spent the rest of the day with griffy in my lap, making phone call after phone call, repeating the same words twice.. "karen was shot and killed this morning".... "WHAT?!"... "karen was shot and killed this morning". our friends came over and we sat together, unable to say much, but appreciating that we could just be together.

it was after losing karen i stopped mourning my mother. i didn't realize i had spent so much time so hurt and sad and angry. after karen died i realized how much i had been carrying over the last 3 years and knew i couldn't keep going like this. they wouldn't want me to go on like this and i "snapped" out of it. i still let myself get sad and angry, i no longer block it out or push it away. i soak it in, let myself feel it, let myself cry and scream alone or with someone and then i let it go.

this helped prepare for the day after christmas when i had to make the decision to put griffy to sleep. his kidney's had failed and his age accelerated the process. we tried hospitalizing him and doing fluids, but he had a few seizures in the span of 24 hours and i knew i had to make that choice. he helped me in ways i never imagined possible in the 7 months i had him. i remembered what it was like to love something so much. as devastating as it was to lose him so soon and also so suddenly i let myself feel the pain and kept on going.

death doesn't stop, it doesn't discriminate against age, sex, color, religion... it's part of life, it happens. i know my heart will break again, either from losing a loved one or losing someone's love... i know i'll be okay. all i can do is let my heart break, "mend it", and keep on going..

because a heart that can be broken isn't really broken after all... right?