eye!

--jadeheart

'getting over it'

- its a funny saying.. do people really 'get over' things, feelings, people, situations.. what does 'getting over it' really mean? dealing? letting go?

these days I feel like it means to learn to life with whatever 'it' is. it is a change of emotion or feeling about a situation. it can easily fall back as you move past one emotion into another. it feels like a
changing of the mind from one moment to the next. so many things swirl inside my head and almost 2 years later i've reduced it to only a dulled sense of the pain that hit me that day in october. the day when the 'the world isn't fair' revealed it's true self to me and introduced it's depth into my life. dramatic? of course as it should be.

let me let you in.. i wanted to rage that day but i couldnt . i knew that it was no one's fault? that death is the only true certain-ty that no one can escape. not to be feared but to be accepted. but that ever supposedly irrational side of emotion wanted/wants to argue otherwise. i know others who have had hard, 'unfair' lives and it occurs to me that there really isn't a measurement to 'unfair'. which leads into my empathy that often saves some poor soul from feeling the wrath of my grief. my patience is shorter these days and sometimes judgement pops into my head when others complain and that ever pervasive thought 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' screams at the forefront of my brain. but that sense of 'they can't understand because they haven't experienced it' will follow rapidly, closely followed by 'vicki, you probably don't understand their hardships and "unfairs" either, who are you to judge'. and the anger will fade but that thought doesn't disappear it just recedes back until it impetuously finds it's way back again.

I can only hope that someday 'getting over it' will mean that my patience will lengthen and the intervals between the 'you have NO IDEA about unfair' thoughts will grow and grow until it's negligable and replaced with a tender sorrow. no more anger. just a saddness that I know I will never forget followed by the memories of her love that keep me safe and looking towards the future. making her proud and being me to the best of my ability.

--jadeheart

auto-pilot

i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.

it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.

i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.

... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.

on a swing @ the park, mouth full of ham and cheese sammich....waiting
--jadeheart

I've had two near cases of food poisoning in the last two days you'd
think I'd have learned by now, but I really haven't. first it was bad
hummus, then it was to much dairy.. the syomach pain both of witch put
me to bed in the fetal position wishing it would disappear. why is it
that the mind so quickly forgets how much the body and soul hurt. each
time we experience pain it seems like hell on earth yet moments (be they
long or short) later we forget the pain we had jsut felt! defense
mechanism? ....further analysis will be done later... right now I just
wish the pain would go away.
--jadeheart

I want my photo to show up!!
--jadeheart

me bored at work. tired. 30 more minutes to go! my face has been
hurting.. I developed an allergic reaction to something in a lotion so
now my cheeks look like those of a little 2 year old who's been running
around and suddenly stopped.
joy! I wonder if tags work <b> bold </b>

mobile blogging

I'm so lazy look no posts since January! ahhh but now I can mobile
blog! perhaps this will make things easier...
--jadeheart

I am: drinking as much water as I possible can.
I think: people aren't really listening to each other.
I know: that I can do better.
I want: more than I have right now.
I wish: I had more of a goal in life.
I love: my bf, my family, my friends and that I can still feel love :).
I hate: liars, being too sensitive, commitmentphobia (my own).
I miss: my mom and my grandfather.
I fear: never achieving true potential (whatever that is).
I feel: my contacts squeezing my eyes and sleepy.
I hear: crazy people in the lobby.
I smell: hot coca with marshmallows.
I see: the monkeys on my wall.
I crave: tenderness.
I wonder: where I'll be in 3 years.
I regret: never having said enough.
I search: for my reality to align itself with my heart.
I am not: as patient as I once was.
I believe: in love.
I sing: in the car and the shower.
I have: more than I realize.
I dance: whenever I can get away with it.
I do not always: hear what my dad has to say.
I fight: back fear that I'll never do what I really want to do.
I hope: that I'll become who I want to be.
I never: say never.
I confuse: my words sometimes.
I ache: from loss.
I can usually be found: daydreaming.
I am scared: of the dark.
I need: love.
I lack: a bit of stability.
I am happy about: how I've handled my life so far.
I expect: to change and grow.

christmas on a plane, new years in shanghai

I spent Christmas Eve into Christmas day on the UA flight.. you'd think it was nice, but I have to say.. UA Business class (yes i'm spoiled) service has deteriorated. This is how I know I've turned into my father's daughter, when I want to take the flight attendents aside to teach them proper customer service. Now honestly, how hard can it be? Not to mention it's your job!

My dad has this tendency to 'teach' wherever he goes, mostly the waitresses, coz we pretty much eat dinner out at some chinese restaurant every night, so needless to say, I got to hear the 'lecture' given oh... 10 times at least.

Taiwan was lovely, humid, scattered showers and more warm than cold. Visited the new tallest building in the world Taiwan 101 and got to see mr. daniel lee! He's been teaching english in taiwan for the last 5 months. It was so good to see him, we went to Taipei 101 and had lunch.. lunch as in itself and experience. There are an incredible amount of people in Taiwan and on the weekend at the mall and for some reason they congregate as a mass in the food court. Now I hate to be rushed, especially while I'm eating, but you literally had to hunt like hungry lions after a gazelle for a place to sit! We were wandering around with our trays for what seemed like 10 minutes (it was prolly more like 5-7) til Daniel spotted somewhere. I got to taste traditional Taiwanese food, granted I picked the safer version with fried tofu, veggies, soup and rice. Daniel order oyster omelete, honestly tastes like oyster with egg.. I prefer the fried tofu.

I also visited my grandfather's grave, had to lots to say to him in my heart. I miss him so much and it still hurts to know that I couldn't have a few more words with him. I love you grandpa, always.

Next off to Shanghai.. and for political reasons, instead of flying 2 hours from Taipei to Shanghai, we had to fly to Hong Kong (1.5 hours) and wait another 1.5 hours to then fly north to shanghai (2 hours). Lovely.. gotta love the relationship between Taiwan and China right now.

We've been living at my dad's cousins places, one owns the top floor of an apartment building and the other the bottom floor. It's been great, my aunt took me shopping, then my cousin took me shopping and we've been having foot and body massages left and right.. I'm massaged out right now, and it's actually starting to hurt! I've had yummy chinese breakfast every morning and delicious food throughout the day. It's basically been, eat breakfast, shop, eat lunch, massage, eat dinner, come home and sleep.

We did stop by the buddhist temple to pay respects to my mom's memorial there. My dad had an 8 hour service done for her the last time he was here. Some monks chanted while we kneeled and kow towed. I always know she's gone, and if I think about it too much I feel her absence, I don't like to think about it to hard. But sometimes you can't help it, she really is gone... One year later and I know there's still a part of me that's died with her. It's like a room no one goes into anymore, it's door is shut and everything in it is left exactly as it is and yet I'm still not completely sure exactly what's in the room.. but I don't want to open the door.

Mom, I love you.

New years was spent uneventful, I was waiting for the clock to pass 12 so I could go to bed.

Alrighty, off I go, only a few more hours and I head to the airport to finally go home.. thank goodness I don't have to go straight to work. I took the day off, yipee! I miss the states! (Did I mention Shanghainese (many Chinese ppl in general) can be pushy and rude!... oh man.. going to develop an ulcer if I stay longer)

Bye family! Thanks for everything!

i hope in 2005...

to write more often in my blog (so perhaps others can make sense of my randomness)

to exercise more.. or rather continually/regularly

to create more of a plan for my future

to study a language

to save more money

to remember these hopes 3 months into the new year ;)


happy christmas and new years everyone! it's bloody cold in china right now!

stuffy nose delirium

Everytime i get a stuffy nose, my head gets all out of wack and my sinus hurt and it's just awful.. what's worse, I can't seem to control my mouth.. or rather what comes out of it.

Have you noticed that, the moment your head gets "foggy", like in times of drunkeness, intense sleepiness, or sickness, your mouth and your brain just lose control of each other. You can't get deep conversation out of me if you tried, but you ask the right questions and you'll get deeper truths, in a sense deeper truths. If you ask me what I got you for Christmas, I'll probably blurt it out, and you can't get any deeper truths than that during the holiday season. haha..

see.. there I go again, not making any sense.

Anyway.. here were random thoughts/occurances today during my walk through delirium.

First off, you say anything to me and it'll take a good 30 seconds for me to really soak it in.. and another 30 sec for me to give you an answer.. whether or not that answer makes any sense, we'll you'll have to let me know. what's that you say?

Secondly I'm way more polite when I'm sick, everything is a lot slower and I drive slower too (that sucks, I'm usually quick about everything).

Thirdly.. I go through periods where I'm so clouded I can't do anything, I was holding onto a really soft stuffed animal today and I had this intense urge to just lay down on it and sleep. We were going through donations of stuffed animals and the urge to lay upon them all and nap was great.. too bad my co workers were also in the room.

Fourthly.. I realized I don't do anything anymore. My coworker asked what is there to do Friday night and the only thing I could think of? Sit at home with the boyfriend, watch a movie, eat and cuddle. That's my life now.. I don't do anything. Well I do.. but it feels like I don't really.

My life is a pattern, I sleep, eat, work, go home, see bf on weekends, eat some more.. sleep.. only see certain people in my life, generally bf and roommate are about it.

Fifthly(?) I know I've been thinking strange thoughts almost like I'm watching my life through someone elses eyes, but I can't keep those thoughts in my head.. and this is weird, either it just got really really dark outside or the lights look brighter.. there goes my ear popping.

Man I hate being sick.. life's so much more boring when you're sick..

working in the dark

I woke up this morning and I could hear the rain outside and it was completely pitch black. Lately, more often than not, I wake up wondering if I've missed the changing of the clocks or maybe read my alarm wrong and it's really not 7am yet.. but it is. 10-15 minutes later the sky will lighten a tiny bit.

Today's the first day it's actually rained.. really rained, not the wimpy kind of light splatter, but hard plops of drops that cause giant puddles that spray out against your car when you go through a ditch you can't see the bottom of. It's great! I love rainy days too, not too many but I love them all the same. Makes me want to curl up with a cup of hot chocolate and snuggle up to someone, preferrably not just a chum.

Which I now have again in my life! Yay! And as most people say it happens when you least expect it, which it did. Granted, I did meet him online, but I wasn't planning on it. It started out as a joke and then we were talking and he sounded like fun and I was totally up for meeting new people. I was so tired of my friends all being so busy and me just sitting at home bored. So I thought.. well I'm a smart, confident girl, I know exactly what will make me feel better and what is lacking in my life.. my friends!! People to hang out with, to make stupid jokes with, people who love me for my dorkiness. Granted I still have my friends, but they're scattered all over and busy with their own lives, not to mention distance makes it hard to hang out.

So I start kicking it with this guy, he's funny, he's cute, he's 'normal', we're so different but things kind of clicked so I went with it. But it does feel a bit strange.. I've been single for so long and as much as I complained about it, I look back and realize how much of a blessing it actually was. I had LOTS of time for self reflection.. and I know this time around I won't lose myself so blindly into a relationship and forget who I am. I know I'm still capable of changing and I'm sure there's still more to learn about who I am as a person, but damn.. after all the shit I went through in the last few years, I'm glad I still managed to retain most of my 'sanity' and most of 'me'. I was so afraid I'd turn into this stone faced, stone hearted, bitter person. But I can't, I won't, and even if this relationship ends up hurting me, it's not going to stop me from ever loving people and trying to find that 'can't live w/out each other love'.

Already things are changing, more of my friends are in the area now, I'm getting more involved with the community, going to start hula lessons too! And now there's a new man in my life, it's strange to say boyfriend, I've never really used that word before. It's strange to hear him refer to me as his girlfriend.. strange but nice, comforting. Especially since just as I start getting settled, my brother takes off for school in So Cal and my dad moves out to North Carolina! They left me here!! At least I'm not alone. :P Although now.. I have another 'challenge' ahead of me, I've actually gotten used to being single, being independent. Now I'm going to have to learn to be part of a relationship that's not friendship. I have a feeling this is going to be fun... ;)

I guess I can let myself be happy.. right? I know I for sure as hell deserve it!

end of innocence

i'm actually watching this boy, sad looking dark haired boy about 13, he walks into a room and ppl are running around and there's this cold air about and i hear someone say, she's not going to make it.

i see this tv monitor, it's slightly fuzzy, the tracking is messed up and there's a slight crack in the screen, it's showing this girl who's about 7 and she's got this peaceful look on her face like she knows what's coming and has accepted it, yet somewhat sad too and i can hear her name miné (sounds like mee-neh) and then suddenly i'm in the room watching her and it's cold in the room, but i'm not and she isn't.

and the boy is suddenly there and she lights up and smiles and you can tell she really loves him and she hugs him and he sort of smiles back and you can tell he's in turmoil inside because he loves her so much

he says he'll always be there for her. and she's kind of got this wisdom in her eyes like she knows

and the room becomes warm and he knows he has to go, that's when she turns and looks at me (although this whole time i feel like i'm just floating and watching from another world) and she has this look on her face that says to me, it's time to go then...


i wake up

my third home

so visiting brighton was like returning home.. it was strange, but great!!
now in ireland.. 45 seconds left of internet. *muah*!

baby steps

had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.

gotta take the baby steps..

mamman j'aimerais toujours.

your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love

you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love

labor day

so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.

but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'

so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.

so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.

so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.

my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.

the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.

and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.

Why do Women Cry?

A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.

"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."

Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"

"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.

The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.

Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"

God said:

" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.

I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.

I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.

I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.

I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.

I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.

And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."

"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.

The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."



that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.

hope in the heart

hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.


hope in the heart again

www.colorquiz.com

Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.


Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.

Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.

Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.

Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.

Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.