auto-pilot

i start driving and blank out come into my eyes a few miles down the road not sure where my head has been only realized i've just kept going.. it's life's auto-pilot.

it turns on and you just keep going, the routine has become the same and suddenly the world's turned a dull, light gray and it feels like a giant cubicle. i've been removed from my friends and each day has become routine. it seems like we're not capable of handling the world larger than the immediate surroundings. We're like lighthouses who can only see and manage what we 'light', and we miss out on the other things, even things that used to be unless they're right there in front of us. Occasionally a boat will pass by and a hello will go out to an old friend, but back I go again.. same old routine in my light gray box.

i remember a time when i lived with roommates and even if i was home 'alone' i wasn't. i had someone to converse with, someone to play with, there was an immediate fix to my need for social gathering. but living at home, along right now sucks. my light gray box settles around my house when i'm by myself and i start at every sound that comes in the night, double check the doors are shut and locked, close each door on my way to my room, ears tuned for creepy crawlies and ghosts around the next corner. but when there's people in my house and life around me, social gathering and comfort, the light gray box disappears and it gets sunny again and my heart soaks it up, it's wonderful.

... but the people leave :( and my light gray box comes back. i wonder if that makes me needy. hehe or maybe i just miss people.