my third home
so visiting brighton was like returning home.. it was strange, but great!!
now in ireland.. 45 seconds left of internet. *muah*!
Friday, September 24, 2004
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
baby steps
had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.
gotta take the baby steps..
mamman j'aimerais toujours.
your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love
you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
had a really good conversation w/ my dad tonight about my mom. it's taken awhile to be able to talk to him about her, because when i did i really wanted to cry, for him, for me, for my brother, for our family and our loss. but finally tonight i could tell him i was okay and talk about her w/out crying.
gotta take the baby steps..
mamman j'aimerais toujours.
your love carries me through each day
it reminds me i have so much to live for
i still have so much to give
i can still love
you are my strength and my heart
i am who i am because of you
and even though you are gone
i am still me because of your love
labor day
so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.
but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'
so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.
so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.
so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.
my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.
the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.
and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.
so i was so busy last week that i didn't even notice labor day weekend sneaking up on me. regular two day weekends.. fine, no problem, but an unplanned three day weekend!! what was i too do!? i hate not having things to do, which is why most days when i'm sick.. but not sick enough to stay home i'd rather go to work. at least i'm being productive.
but anyway! so friday night i'm like.. hmm well i'm kind of in the mood to just chill and be a homebody.. BUT! i get home and it's dark, the power had gone out, so i think okay i'll take a nap and when i wake up hopefully it'll be back on.. bad idea. i wake up in the heat and i'm completely groggy and confused, so i decide to go to the mall.. where else am i going to go? everyone's gone for the weekend w/ their boyfriends (sucks to be single sometimes). anyway, i remember bobby and lily are around, so i call them up, go over and we watch van helsing and eat tator tots and cookies.. fun times. :D i'm so glad those two have walked back into my life, coz they're good people. and as a fortune cookie once told me, 'you're always surrounded by true friends.'
so saturday we go to the beach early and i finally get some color into my skin.. sitting in an office all day doesn't help, but silly me i forget to put sunblock on my chest... i put it on my arms and legs. so now it's slightly red and itchy and bit burned. i hope it doesn't peel. but aloe is a blessing. anyway i get home and i find out my cousin's coming into town!! YAY! i meet up w/ her and another cousin and my brother, they come over and we just hang out for it. sunday i spent pratically all day with her and we really got to talk and chat about everything and anything, which was great. then we met up w/ these two guys to go to a greek festival. soooo much fun, not to mention one's really cute ;) and "normal".. you'll have to ask me what that means! we had some good food, pork kebabs and did a bit of greek dancing, and for some reason the guys kept making me laugh, my cheeks started to hurt, haven't laughed like that since verwin came to visit me.. hehe not that it's hard to make me laugh since i'm always smiling anyway. but yeah it really felt nice to be hanging out w/ people and have it be effortless and fun! (again missing my friends and thinking about the ones who can't be near me right now) So yeah sunday night i came home w/ a big ol' fatty smile on my face, lately since my 24th birthday i've just been feeling more and more 'normal' and i hope it lasts for quite some time.
so yeah, after i got back tho.. sucked.. try sleeping in heat. it's awful, i felt so sick and i kept tossing and turning. i had to get up early to meet some friends for breakfast, but i was seriously zoning and feeling ill. of course when i see sonia everything gets better, then we met up w/ ami and her sister, and had vietnamese sandwiches. it was good to just sit there and yack about a whole bunch of whatever, even tho sone lives in milpitas i hardly see her and it sucks. altho i'm sure both of us could make a better effort to hang out, she's one of the few people who despite being different from me knows me so incredibly well. it's nice to be understood, in fact it's great to be understood and to just tell her what goes on in my life and have her understand how i feel about it.
so yeah, that was my labor day, chilled monday picked up mendel from the airport which was fun, i love meeting people at the airport or getting met at the airport, there's a sense of security and feeling like i'm being welcomed back to a safe place.
my heart is with my friends and family always and they're what keep me safe. i don't know what i'd do w/out any of them. i came upon this ephiphany last week that put some solace into my heart.
the fact that i can hurt so deeply only means i can love that deeply.
and when i feared i'd never love again, that thought brings me comfort. love is pain and pleasure.
Saturday, September 04, 2004
Why do Women Cry?
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:
" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.
A little boy asked his mother, "Why are you crying?" "Because I'm a woman," she told him.
"I don't understand," he said. His Mom just hugged him and said, "And you never will."
Later the little boy asked his father, "Why does mother seem to cry for no reason?"
"All women cry for no reason," was all his dad could say.
The little boy grew up and became a man, still wondering why women cry.
Finally he asked God. He said, "God, why do women cry so easily?"
God said:
" When I made the woman she had to be special.
I made her shoulders strong enough to carry the weight of the world, yet gentle enough to give comfort.
I gave her an inner strength to endure childbirth and the rejection that many times comes from her children.
I gave her a hardness that allows her to keep going when everyone else gives up, and take care of her family through sickness and fatigue without complaining.
I gave her the sensitivity to love her children under any and all circumstances, even when her child has hurt her very badly.
I gave her strength to carry her husband through his faults and fashioned her from his rib to protect his heart.
I gave her wisdom to know that a good husband never hurts his wife, but sometimes tests her strengths and her resolve to stand beside him unfalteringly.
And finally, I gave her a tear to shed. This is hers exclusively to use whenever it is needed."
"You see my son," said God, "the beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure that she carries, or the way she combs her hair.
The beauty of a woman must be seen in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart - the place where love resides."
that's how my mother loved our family and that's how i hope i will love my family.
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
hope in the heart
hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.
hope in the heart again
hmmm don't know what it is, but life feels like it's happening and moving.. feels good. :) there's hope in my heart and i feel like something's about to happen in my life, hopefully good.. nothing's been getting me down lately. something in my heart has settled a bit more these last few days and even things that used to hurt the heart i chuckle at. as if life and i know better.. the hurt won't last, something will come alone to soothe that away and put hope back in the heart.
hope in the heart again
Thursday, August 26, 2004
www.colorquiz.com
Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.
Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.
Your Existing Situation
Works well in cooperation with others but is disinclined to take the leading role. Needs a personal life of mutual understanding and freedom from discord.
Your Stress Sources
Wants to overcome a feeling of emptiness and to bridge the gap which she feels separates herself from others. Anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to explore all its possibilities, and to live it to the fullest. She therefore resents any restriction or limitation being imposed on her and insists on being free and unhampered.
Your Restrained Characteristics
Feels that she cannot do much about her existing problems and difficulties and that she must make the best of things as they are. Able to achieve satisfaction through sexual activity.
Your Desired Objective
Over-imaginative and given to fantasy or day-dreaming. Longs for interesting and exciting things to happen and wants to be admired for her charm.
Your Actual Problem
Feels restricted and prevented from progressing; seeking a solution which will remove these limitations.
Your Actual Problem #2
The fear that she may be prevented from achieving the things she wants leads her into a relentless search for satisfaction in the pursuit of illusory or meaningless activities.
Wednesday, August 25, 2004
the best birfday ever!!
so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!
friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)
we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.
wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!
Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.
I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!
so i just wanted to write it down so i remember what happened!
friday night 9:30 pick greedi, ef, pena, and the captain up from the airport, drop stuff off at home and go to santana row. seeing as how san jose isn't that fun.. it was the only place i could really think of. we wander around and end up at this irish pub called rosie's.. an irish pub that served mojitos and played house music! fantastic!! haha it was hilarious and laods of fun. smokin' drinkin' sober me.. fun :)
we get home, crash and sleep, wake up and go to indian buffet.. yuuuummmmyyy. then back to santa row in the day time to 'shop' and walk off our tummies. wander around, take a picture w/ a beautiful black great dane, walk all the way over to valley fair, all over valley fair, i think the only things we bought were drinks the whole time, wander back to the car and go home, chill hang out watch olympics, i think i fell asleep at one point for a short while.. i think.. decide where we want to go for dinner and get dressed and head out. delancey street cafe - one of my favourite places to eat in the city! it's awesome, the appetizers are terrific and i think we were served by ex-cons trying to empower themselves and get a stable life together. anyways, seared tuna.. yuuuummy. they drank some more, i ate some more, and we hop back in the car over to suite 181. they start drinkin' in the car (we were parked) and we head inside. ALLLLLLLL these people showed up!! it was great! scattered but great. I got to celebrate it w/ my roommate and jen and virginia and all their friends and our mutual friends, my high school buddies, and Dip showed up when I didn't expect him, dustin came too! It was wonderful! I had such a great time, a smile plastered on my face the entire night. Despite the fact my feet were killing me it was fantastic. Drove home, watched greedi and the captain somehow walk upstairs, downstairs, change into pjs, walk back upstairs and pass out and not remember a thing. *gropy* hilarious! i love being sober sometimes w/ drunk friends, it's pure entertainment.
wake up the next morning, go to a vegetarian place to meet my dad, bro, grandpa, auntie and cousin and we all chow down on yummy chinese vegetarian food. who'd thought it would taste good! all pile back in my car, pass a tan in-n-out which seem to merit a photo by greedi. get home, i pass out again.. sorry tired, didn't sleep much.. wake up, order pizza, drive them back to the airport and off they went back to OC. :( booo.. so monday was monday.. went to jen's to eat dinner after having eaten at a FIRST 5 event.. man soo much food I was stuffed. I get home and karen hands me a piece of paper.. my birthday gift from her, joe, mendel, mason, jane, fuzz? and jen (i think that's it). Anyways on it is a list of DARKROOM EQUIPMENT!! It was everything else I needed to complete my darkroom and now I can set it up and do my photos again! How freaking awesome is that! it's the best present ever!!!!!!!
Tuesday! I turned 24 on the 24th of August!! Supposedly that means it's going to be the best year of my life. I hope it doesn't stop there, but I wouldn't mind this year being the best so far. Anyway I couldn't have asked for a better day considering the hardships I went through the last two years. So I get to work, people are already wishing me a happy birthday, phone calls, text messages, IM's, the works.. then I get a package.. roses!! at work!! I've always wanted flowers at work and here they were! They're sitting on my desk and I stare at them everyday. :) My co-workers take me to lunch and get me a $50 giftcard to ValleyFair.. muwahahaha. More shopping for me yay! And every single one of them was there too, it was great fun. Get back to work, more wishes and fun surprises. I get an email from one of my best friends, Mike and it said hey vix check this out and please read it.. i was kinda sad at first coz I thot boo he forgot my birthday.. open up the word document and it's a card to me! Smiles all over again!! haha I don't think I had been this happy in a long time for so long! Work ends at 5, I get home, park, open my back door, get the mail key, open the front door to have a bouquet of balloons smack me in the head! Angie,, you're the best cousin ever! The balloons are great. Then Mendel comes over for dinner, w/ Naked Juice. :) and jane comes over w/ a cake that has a smiling sun (who looks like it's on crack) and bobby and lily (whom i haven't seen in years) come over w/ tubs of icecream!! hehe. It was just plain good.
I had the best birthday I've ever had and I can't thank my friends enough for caring so much about me and remembering and making me feel so incredibly special. You're all wonderful and I love you!
Sunday, August 15, 2004
firsts
so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..
i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.
sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.
but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.
doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..
that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?
there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.
mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.
so there's a first time for everything.. first time you talk, walk, speak.. first crush, kiss, boyfriend, first love.. first time you have your heart broken, first time you truly lose someone you love and then the first time it happens again after that..
i realize i'm going through a whole new set of firsts.. first christmas without her, first new year without her, first birthday without her. it's a strange, empty feeling.
sometimes i get scared to talk to people about it, coz i feel like they're going to think i'm just using her passing as an excuse. but if you remember who i was before she died and how i am now.. how could it possibly ever be an excuse. this is a life changing event that one will never understand until one goes through it.
but if you could just for a minute.. imagine what it might be like to lose your mom.. multiply that by infinite and you'll know what i'm feeling.
doesn't mean i'm wallowing in self pity. i hurt from her loss still.. even though it's almost been a year, i miss her everyday. the only way i can explain it, is through firsts..
that's why the pain is still there, because to me.. most of this is the first time i've had to do things in a world where she's no longer physically part of. but i've realized, that i'm a lot stronger than i believed i was. and although some days i would love to be weak and fall, there's still strength in that weakness because i'm still here the next day... hope still exists and she taught me to love, so how could i not?
there is a bit of comfort in my pain.. i know i hurt because i love and i'm glad i can still love.. friends and family at least and that's what matters most to me right now.
mamman, je vous aimerai toujours.
Tuesday, August 10, 2004
Friday, August 06, 2004
fevered wakefulness
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
i haven't had a fever in a year, guess that flu shot is wearing off or something. anyway all i could think about today was how lonely i felt being sick and at home alone. it sucked, i was sick enough that standing up and walking around made me dizzy, not sick enough to just pass out and sleep. thank goodness for dvd's and a laptop that plays them. it's early in the morning and i'm not sure if it's the caffeine from the herbal tea (if there's any in there) or if i'm too afraid to go to sleep.
being sick makes me sad, it makes me miss my mom a lot more and i seem to be on the downside of my usual up/down depression (no thanks to a few other incidents in my life). i didn't think i could hit any lower since october and yet life continues to prove me wrong. my fault really, i knew the truth of the matter and didn't want to acknowledge it. it seems my expectations in life have heightened.. part of believes that i am owed for all that i've lost and endured.. all the pain i've had to experience within the last two years alone. all these thoughts swam through my head today and many of them i wish would just leave and never return. but it hurts, to think these thoughts because pain comes with these thoughts. i'm tired of pain, i just want peace.
but all i can think about as i lay here in bed is God, I wish someone was here to hold me, to tell me everything's going to be okay. instead i'm all alone in the house, which makes it feel even lonlier and instead i wish for a dream. i know what it's like to be held.. i remember how it felt to love someone like that and believe that they love you. to be only concerned with each other, to keep each other safe. oh to have someone love me the way i know i can love a person..i need to feel safe tonight but i don't. i feel fevered and sick and lonely.. it sucks.
if God is so all powerful, can't he at least send me a dream? in the words of one of my closest friends, 'throw me a freakin' bone would ya?' one dream.. a nice long one of someone holding me safe throughout the night. is that too much to ask for? He obviously isn't going to send my perfect man to knock on the bloody door anytime soon now is He.. but a dream.. I could do with a dream. or heck.. just knock me out and let me not dream for once tonite.. i wouldn't mind that either.
i hate that part when you close your eyes, before sleep takes ahold of you, because that's when the pain is the worst. that's when you really feel it.. physically and it's like your heart is being squeezed and i imagine someone holding me and for a split second i can feel that too, but then it's gone and that hurts as well.
just peace would be nice.. i better close my eyes.. have to get past that part for sleep.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
i miss her
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
i was training at stanford hospital the last two days and as i walked through the building all i could think of was.. this was the place where my mother passed away. i could vaguely remember how i felt and what had happened, but now it seems all so far away. it's like i've automatically pushed everything away, this pain sits behind a gray hazey veil that walks along side my life. and yet it still seems absolutely real, sharp and clear. this pain.. this indescribable feeling of loneliness because no one can possible understand what i have to live with every day of my life.
if something were to feel unreal and all too real at the same time it is this, this feeling of pain with no hope at the end of it. only a waiting for time to dull the wound and ease the loneliness. a hope that some love will enter my life and fill a part of the void that has entered my heart.
love has this way of building upon itself, renewing itself, because if you love and are loved in return it feeds into each other and creates this safe place. because if you love someone, they're what matters and you would give whatever you could to them.
i want to believe again. i hate this bitterness that builds, who deserves this? i just feel like i keep giving but nothing comes back to me, i'm not going to have anything left to give soon, only bitterness and anger in my heart. as much as i hope for love, i'm not strong enough for all of this. and despite knowing my friends are always there.. this is a love they cannot offer and with this pain it is a love i will never hope to find.
i just want peace. i want to be normal again. i don't want to hope for love.
shhhh let it fade away.
a faint memory
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
why are you mad?
because you're not listening to me.
I am listening, you're not hearing me.
okay fine, I'm listening, what do you want to tell me?
I love you.
you do? what kind of love is that?
I don't know. the kind where I love you but I can't.
how do you silence thoughts that wish to be words but to be spoken would only complicate life.. so thus they remain whispered only in dreams.
"i love you"
"i know"
"no seriously, i love you"
"I know"
"no, I really LOVE you."
"I KNOW.. I love you too."
....I'm sorry, I didn't know... I still don't.
it's so far away now that i'm not sure about the context of things anymore. i have known love of all types.. and this is what i get for believing.
my past is my past and i need to let it lie, the present is what was the future and the future hopefully will have a light.
Tuesday, August 03, 2004
i was mistaken
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
I made a mistake this time around and I was wrong. I let me heart tell my mind lies because the rest of my life hurt so bad and instead I only ended with more pain. I almost lost something something I didn't want taken. I'm paying for it now as I paid for it once before.
I forgot the one rule I said applied. it is what is it and nothing more.
I just needed you to care, but you never will, not for me.
i was wrong, my heart can become more bitter and the more bitter the heart, the more it hopes to be saved, but the more it believes it never will be.
This is what it’s like to walk half blind
Listening to sugar coated lies
Gray haze following you through
Heart creating lies from mind’s truths
Every heart break leads
To heart hardening
Anger numbing pain
Until it fades away to bitterness
When you imagine nothing good will ever come again
Coz life’s dealt you a shit hand
And you found that for all you gave
Nothing was received
i dream when i sleep, i never want to dream again.
the man laughed at me.
Friday, July 23, 2004
Tuesday, July 13, 2004
the up part of the rollercoaster
my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.
i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.
i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.
i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.
my cousin got married this past weekend and it was wonderful. I had the honor of being her maid of honor and watched her marry the man she loves, the one guy in this world who is absolutely perfect for her. It was so great to see that love between them grow so strong over the years and to know that their love will carry them through good times and bad times in the future.
i cried when i gave my toast. :P i've gone through a lot of hard times in the past year and it's still hard to this day. going to that wedding made it so bittersweet. this was the first time in about 10 or more years that the cousins on my mother's side of the family was all together again.. and thankfully it was for a happy occasion. we've been having too many funerals to attend, my grandfathers (which i sadly missed due to being in England) and my mother's (where one of my cousin's couldn't attend). Finally all 11 of us came together for such a happy and wonderful event and it was fantastic. I realized how lucky I was to have a family this strong and this loving. My grandfather had made sure that throughout the years, we had family reunions at least every 2 years when we were young. We grew up together and it was like having tons of brothers and sisters to play with. I was telling my friend Ef about my family and it just made me smile bigger and bigger as I thought about how much I love them and how close we all are and when we're together things are good. Anyway, this past weekend has put smiles on my face and for the second time in the last year I felt really, truly happy and so surrounded by love. it was hard to see my aunties because they remind me so much of my mother and to see our family still recovering from the loss of two beloved family members.. but loving each other makes things so much better.
i can't close my heart off completely no matter how bitter life makes me.. the hope of love still carries me through it all.
i'm definitely in the up part of the rollercoaster right now, because i know still any minute i can come down again.. but for awhile.. at least i can float up here and enjoy this love residue from the weekend ;) and like the down part of the rollercoaster you know you can turn to someone to help you climb back up again.
Friday, July 02, 2004
i'm in love.. with love
.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.
i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.
maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...
anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.
my heart is breaking because i'm in love
..with the hope that love will heal me.
.. well i think i'm in love, actually i'm pretty sure of it. i'm in love.. with an idea. sad as that is. of the love of this man, this "perfect for me" man. I know how my heart feels when he's close to me. How my body comes alive when he kisses me, how safe I feel when he holds me. how we're happy just hanging out or going out or just sitting quietly. how his arms feel around me. the evenness of his breathing as he sleeps next to me. how in his eyes i am the most beautiful thing he has ever seen and he can't believe he has me. how despite the fact i'm no traditional beauty, he sees me for me and it makes me irresistable to him. i can feel it in my mind and in my body.. how it's all supposed to feel.
i love him so much that my heart aches.. because it's not real. because the one time i believed in a love like this, it turned out to be a lie. i had known the truth deep down inside, but i loved the hope of what i knew could be true. i have to admit i'm afraid i will never love like that again, that i'll end up loving a lie again.
maybe that's why i'm still single, then again it could just be because i'm picky...
anyways, it's semi-late, my heart is aching, and that's how it feels. i know love. i know love in so many forms and i know it's power over me and it's power over people. that's why my heart aches, i know what it's supposed to feel like, i know how it heals, i know i don't have it the way i want it right now.
my heart is breaking because i'm in love
..with the hope that love will heal me.
Thursday, June 03, 2004
a gazillion times worse..
you never know when a smell, a feeling, an image, a sight, a sound will remind you of her. it took me years to get over a broken heart and this is so much worse its indescribable pain that lies in the undercurrent of my soul and surfaces ever so often in the presence of some trigger..
and most times when it happens i'm alone which makes it worse..
i forget that there's love actually out there, that i'm thought of and loved..
because in that moment when i'm alone and it hits me that i will never hear her, never smell her, never see her again i fall
and i just wish someone was there to hug me so tight i can't breath so i don't have to feel the pain.. someone to tell me that everything will be alright one day..
you don't have to say anything just hold me tight.
you never know when a smell, a feeling, an image, a sight, a sound will remind you of her. it took me years to get over a broken heart and this is so much worse its indescribable pain that lies in the undercurrent of my soul and surfaces ever so often in the presence of some trigger..
and most times when it happens i'm alone which makes it worse..
i forget that there's love actually out there, that i'm thought of and loved..
because in that moment when i'm alone and it hits me that i will never hear her, never smell her, never see her again i fall
and i just wish someone was there to hug me so tight i can't breath so i don't have to feel the pain.. someone to tell me that everything will be alright one day..
you don't have to say anything just hold me tight.
Monday, April 26, 2004
Thursday, April 22, 2004
social animals: part 1
I'm not awake yet, it's almost 9am. I'm at work and bored. I've checked practically every e-mail account I have.. and on that note.. that's scary that I have more than one. hehe. Anyway, so I came across this American Eagle Outfitters email I got. And it showed a picture of a bunch of young people dressed for summer laying out on blankets and it made me think about warm summer nights and warm bodies all snuggled next to each other on blankets and/or sand and I got all nostalgic.
Ahh those were the days, when you were out with friends and just chillin' and being near each other. There's something about being near people that just brings a sense of security and well-being. I don't know what it is, but I miss it. Terribly. Yet I know things will never go back to the way they were. Life for me it seems will always be bittersweet because part of it will always be missing.
.. maybe that's why I so ardently search for love, wanting to be filled up again.. complete.. but it scares me too.. that I may never find that. Or maybe it scares me more than when I do, this aching from my loss still won't go away..
I'm not awake yet, it's almost 9am. I'm at work and bored. I've checked practically every e-mail account I have.. and on that note.. that's scary that I have more than one. hehe. Anyway, so I came across this American Eagle Outfitters email I got. And it showed a picture of a bunch of young people dressed for summer laying out on blankets and it made me think about warm summer nights and warm bodies all snuggled next to each other on blankets and/or sand and I got all nostalgic.
Ahh those were the days, when you were out with friends and just chillin' and being near each other. There's something about being near people that just brings a sense of security and well-being. I don't know what it is, but I miss it. Terribly. Yet I know things will never go back to the way they were. Life for me it seems will always be bittersweet because part of it will always be missing.
.. maybe that's why I so ardently search for love, wanting to be filled up again.. complete.. but it scares me too.. that I may never find that. Or maybe it scares me more than when I do, this aching from my loss still won't go away..
Sunday, March 21, 2004
slight desperation or just PMS
So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.
I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.
A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.
but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.
I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.
When is it going to be too late?
So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.
I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.
A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.
but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.
I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.
When is it going to be too late?
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