slight desperation or just PMS

So my moods go up and down and sometimes it coincides with that lovely thing we women enjoy due to the privilege that we can bear children. Anyway, I was noticing, ever since my mom passed that my PMS is a lot worse. My patience disappears quicker the week before and I'm more sensitive to issues. Things that I normally could block off or deal with on a day to day basis are a lot harder to bear during the time of month. I miss my mom a lot more and she's on my mind a lot more, I think since my defenses are weakened she creeps in. Which isn't to say I don't want to think about her.. it just hurts, a lot.

I try to keep myself busy and doing things to 'cheer' me up, but it's always hard. I have always wanted to be this self-confident girl, who didn't need men to make her feel good about herself. But the truth is, as confident as I feel sometimes, when I have a guy paying attention to me (whether it's a friend or stranger) if makes me feel wanted and if it's a friend - safe as well. It's just kind of nice to know that although I'm not drop dead gorgeous that I may still be something sexy thing men want, and not just continually the girl next door. When it's a male friend paying attention to me, it's just nice to know that I'm still thought about and cared about in that way that only guys can do. Maybe it's just me attaching that feeling of security with men when in actuality any friend will do.. but for some reason with guy friends, it just feels different.

A few weeks ago I was snowboarding up in Tahoe and I thought I was gonna hafta go alone. But it turned out my friend's friend was up there too and it was nice to just kick it w/ a guy (who was pretty cute ;) ) and talk about silly things and just be near a guy again. He stuck w/ me the whole day when he could have just taken off to do his own thing and he tried to help me out and teach me to board better. Then there are what I call 'bar men' or as my one of my friend's calls them 'single serving friends'. Even though I sometimes feel like a piece of meat walking through a bar.. it's kinda nice to know that I may have a teeny bit of sex appeal. :) My co-workers think my look is too safe. Sooo I'm trying "vamp" it up a bit.. okay not really vamp, but just change some things. I have to admit, after highlighting and chopping off about 5 inches of my hair.. it's really quite liberating.

but still.. these are just teeny moments in my life and they disappear just as quickly. I'm probably never going to see that cute boarder again and 'single serving friends' are just that.. one time only. I miss my friends in so cal, the closeness that we had and just being able to go over to someone's house and kick it. I can't do that here anymore and that feeling of being safe with friends is slowly fading away.. that scares me. It makes me feel like there's a slight desperation to my life and that if I don't make friends up here fast I'm going to lose myself and be a hermit for the rest of my life.

I'm terrified and yet trying to stay in control.. but it's scary. It's like I can feel this presence trying to suck me into this drab existence and I'm slowly falling into it because I can't find me way out.

When is it going to be too late?