numb

i'm done. this is it. no more. my heart just won't take it, it can't take it. that's three people in less than a fucking year. THREE loved ones. my grandfather last december, then my mother in october and not even a month past and my grandmother passes away too. is this some kind of sick joke.. it's almost funny.

DON'T

ask me if i'm alright. i'm not, how could i be. devastated isn't even a word that means anything. it's not enough. anguish is not enough. grief is not enough. none of it is enough.

i'm done. i'm over.

i'm fine.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU HAVE?!

lost

I didn't think it would actually happen that she would go. I thought the specialists at Stanford would find some miracle to save her life. And although they kept telling me the chances were slim, I kept thinking God would bring a miracle and bring her back to us. The day before she passed away my dad said the docs said she might not make it through the night. I hurried to the hospital and sat by her and with my family and friends and we left that night seeing her oxygen levels at low 90s. That's great I thought, she's fighting, she still has a chance! God can still give us that miracle!

Then the next morning my dad wakes me up and says O2 levels dropped to 40%.. she might go soon. I sat in the car stunned as my father had a burst of emotion and then calmed to continue driving to the hospital. Sixty percent is when brain damage occurs.. she had been at 40 for at least and hour and when we got there she was at 55 for a good two hours which later went up to 60 something. But it was too late.. I knew she wasn't going to make it, and even if she did.. she wouldn't be the same woman. She had made it clear to us repeatedly and to our family members that should she ever need to go on machines to let her go. She couldn't bear "living" like that.

Our family made the hardest decision of our lives.. the choices from the doctor 1) keep her on the machines for the next two days and let her die on the machines or 2) slowly take her off the meds (other than sedation to keep her comfortable) and let her pass peacefully. She wasn't coming back he said. We didn't let her suffer.. but up until the point of her last breath I kept hoping.. until I looked up and saw the machines registering no oxygen, no heart beat, and no brain function. The doctors had given her paralysis drugs so the machine cld help her breath better.. they let the drug wear off.. but she had regressed so much that she never started breathing on her own.. as soon as the machine slowed down she went on peacefully.

This is the hard part now.. the reality of what's gone from my life. My best friend and the only person in this world who knew me better than myself. It hurts to know she will never physically be with me in the next steps of my life, although I will forever hear her voice and feel her love. It hurts more to see the people who she touched, from those who've pratically known her all her life to those she had brief encounters with. It hurts the most to see my father lose his soul mate and for the first time look lost. But I thank the Lord for all the love he has surrounded us with, for the family and friends who share our burden and most of her for the time we had with my mother. It is her love that will keep us safe and heal our wounds in time and make us better and strong enough to continue our lives without her physical presence.

Mom, I know you can hear me and know that I love you more than anything in the world and that I will never stop loving you and that my world has forever changed from your presence and your absence. I will miss you always and love you always.

i need your help

It's October and you can definitely feel it up here in Nor Cal. And my life in the last two weeks have been flipped upside down tremendously.. it went from having to give up a job to giving up my place in So Cal and moving back up here to my mom going to the hospital and then suddenly in the last three days - to her being in the hospital under heavy sedation and on machines helping her breath. I'm so scared we're going to lose her soon and the doctors aren't sure how long she's got left and she's not even conscious because she'll fight the tubes in her throat helping her breath if she's awake. They transfered her through helicopter to Stanford hospital yesterday and I pray the specialists there will be able to help her.

If any blog readers of mine know my mom, she's a really wonderful and caring person who's given so much to her family and more if that's possible. She is our reason for living and so selflessly gave everything to us and took less for herself. If you believe in a higher being send up prayers for her please, chants if your buddhist, and positive thoughts if nothing else.

Thanks.

ps. don't send flowers coz she can't be anywhere near them. cards are okay and if you wanna reach me, leave a message on the 'spill it' link.

stupid, smart people

So i've been applying to AmeriCorps Vista jobs lately and been getting numerous interview offers quickly. But of course, if you know what AmeriCorps is you'd kno they don't pay much and that it's basically like the national/state version of PeaceCorps. Which is cool with me, coz that's ultimately what I want to do. But my dad says it's perfect for people like me.. the smart, dumb people who will do a lot of work for basically no money. But it's okay, coz it's helping me realise what my focus is turning towards:

Community outreach, public service, national service, helping the people, doing programs, outreach, development, etc.

It's nice to have a direction in my life and feel that familiar feeling of confidence course through my veins in knowing that I'm going towards a goal that will fulfill my psychological and emotional needs.. however money as usual is always an issue. But I think after doing this AmeriCorps job (if I get one of them) it will definately open up doors to new places.

And hopefully give me ideas about what I want a masters in.. hehe.

Can't wait, sooo excited.. hope I get the one I want. *sigh*
Hope my mommy starts to get better too. :( ... ouch..
I hate it when my heart hurts like this.

sorrow halved

they say happiness shared is happiness doubled and that sorrow shared is sorrow halved.. well i need to be majorly halving my sorrow. because my mom is sick, and i'm scared.. the worst case scenario is that we lose her. how do you deal with preparing for the worst? my dad wants us to talk this out, i don't want to talk it out, at least not with him or my brother for some reason. this has definitely put things in perspective for me. it's funny how we can go along with our lives and when something this drastic happens this quickly.. you find out what really matters to you will over power even the things your heart once desired.

i want to scream and kick and fight and cry and lose myself into something like stress or work or anything where i don't have to face this ache and uncertainty. i want someone to pick a physical fight with me because i want to blame someone and hit them and beat them into a pulp until all this frustration is gone.. and yet if i do i'd still feel guilty because i know they are not the reason for my anger and frustration. i want to cry, but i have to be strong for her and my family. i know they're there for me.. but i just don't want to talk to them about it.

it was a sudden onset and my mother's lungs seem to not be functioning well and her body is basically attacking itself. and there's nothing i can do, but be there to support her.
i look at her and i love her more than anything and if she was gone.. my very heart would break forever and there is nothing that could heal that heart ache. i'm trying to stay positive and hope that she recovers quickly.. but recovery seems slow.. if not uncertain as well. she seemed to be doing so well and she was scheduled to come home today.. on her birthday but i walked into the hospital room this morning and i knew that was not going to happen today.

so we wait and be there for her and hope that the chemo will start working and that she'll recover and be herself again. it's just hard knowing that this strong woman now hardly has the strength to even walk around her room without losing her breath. yet admist all this.. i selfishly want my life back, i want to be back in southern california doing my thing.. but i can't be. i'm angry, not at her or my family, but at the situation and as life likes to prove itself over and over again.. it's not fair.

all i have is hope.. and hope is so little in the face of such great hardship and it's hard to keep my mind on that goal. but i will carry that in my heart and pray that she gets better soon. i have to be strong for her..

yet..

je suis fatigué d'être fort


.. if i could ask that if you're spiritual in any way to send out a message and a thought for her. thank you..

soon to be...

over: the internship, thank goodness! It's been a great experience I've learned a lot and it's the first internship I've walked away from really thinking it's helped me look forward to the future and possibly a career path of some sort. Not to mention I've met some really great peopl in my fellow interns and the intern coord/ admin asst.

23: it's august, I'm turning 23 in 14 days!! Scary... I still look like I'm 16. *sigh* I wish people would treat me as if I were older, I'd think I'd start acting older.

fall: it's been soo hot lately, haven't gotten to see the OC beaches yet :(

home: yay get to see mommy, daddy, and jon. i miss them. i love them.

ha ha
I was cleaning out e-mails and came across this link my friend sent me.

http://www.smh.com.au/ftimages/2003/03/26/1048354635257.html

Click the Ladder Theory

the right guys

So my friend was telling me this story about how she was eating lunch with some co-workers and one of them a white male told her he has never dated any non-Asian girls (Asian fetish perhaps?). Anyway, he's married now to a vietnamese wife and has kids and all that. And he says to my friend: man this language barrier thing's really getting annoying! i mean it was cute at first but we have so many miscommunications. Now what the heck is that?! I don't get it. I tell my friend this and she throws this back at me, well you like white guys who like asian girls. Okay.. so maybe at one time I was highly attracted to white men.. can you blame me? Look at what society teaches us, prince charming is never asian and that knight in shining armour - white. Sure there's the tall, dark and handsome.. but are they ever black or hispanic or asian? No.. they're white.

Anyways, I thought about my past experiences with men. I have only once in my life dated a white guy (okay this isn't saying much, coz I haven't exactly dated man men at all).. but basically I'm saying I've only dated one guy who's had an 'asian fetish'. Don't think he's got one anymore, but I'm not about to really check in on him with that one. Anyways, I then started thinking about the guys I'm attracted to nowadays. There have been the Asian ones, the Caucasian ones, the Hispanic ones and I've seen some beautiful African American or actually African Brits.. (haven't exactly been attracted to them, coz I've only seen these guys from afar, never really made friends with them). So you might be wondering how I get attracted to these guys? It's not just looks, although that plays a small part at first, but then the one thing that makes or breaks something like this - the personality. If it sucks.. forget it, they just getting fuglier and fuglier. But.. if they are really genuinely cool people then damn.. and when they're sincere and do things out of their way, or notice something you need and goes and does it for you.. damn imma about to give you my heart right now! haha.. but the one killer.. is when they do it for everybody and I just melt into a puddle, coz how many people (girls and guys) do you know are just really good people like that? I've met a lot of those people in my life and I think I got lucky.. too bad all those men that I did eventually 'fall' for just didn't feel the same. But at least I know I'm not picking them wrong, how I be? :) One of these days I'm going to find one that's like that and likes me back! As for right now, I'm glad to say I'm still really good friends w/ all those guys, even if some of them don't know that I've ever liked them.

Still looking..

http://www.coxar.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/

yay!.. boo!

So since I have such a busy life, I'm gonna start a new yay and boo section, so you can see brief flashes of my life in a quick cliff notes version. Clay always did say I 'yammered' on too long and my blogs get all emotional and long.. :D What can I say? That's me.. sometimes...

yay! - got my multiregion DVD player unlocked thanks to a bit of internet searching and I can not play 'the Office' DVD and share English humour with the world (Pete will definitely be happy)
had lunch w/ Kris today! CPK yuuuuummmy and it's good to see her after so long.
watched 9 hours of sex and the city yesterday.. not sure if that's a good thing.. but since I'm missing man, love and sex in my life.. hey what better place to find it

boo! - want my Ms. Dynamite CD.. not sure where it is.. very very upset and sad.. think it may be in my car, but if it is, then it's loose running around.. sniff..
my car is in the shop for a week.. transmission needs fixing.. very sad.. didn't realise how much i appreciated her until she's unavailable. hope she's better soon

July 4th - good times, lots and lots of food.. basically continuous eating and drinking from 1-9pm then i went 'clubbing' at a house club (first time for everything) not bad. interesting. good friends came over and we kicked it.. that was really nice :) gonna miss those who leave to go far and far far far away. *sigh* things are changing, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.. it's life and it goes on.

The Office: part 1

So I finally have something to do in at work. They had me researching hate crimes and now I'm writing a report on it. Whoo hoo. Well not excited about the hate crimes part, because it's horrible and depressing to see crimes committed because of ignorance. The information I continually find is heart breaking. And sometimes I just can't understand why people are like this. Although deep down inside, I know that I have my own prejudices and as much as I'd like to be rid of them, they're there. At least I know they're there and I can try to adjust my thinking. But the reason stereotypes persist is because they are partial truths to what is happening in society. It isn't just randomness that minorities are often at the bottom of the ladder, that we are perceived in both good and bad stereotypes. Our society is a never ending cycle of oppression. And though we may know diverse types of people, we will still stick to what we know. There's the trick, 'we stick to what we know'. Therefore we need to change what we know and expand it. It's a scary place to go, but one that I'm going to try and actively be a part of. In England with my housemates I felt like I wasn't seen just as a race, granted there were numerous incidents within England where I was faced with prejudices. But with my housemates, I wasn't the Chinese girl, I was the American girl (not that it made it any better.. in fact...haha). Anyway, it got me thinking about why my eyes saw not race but race. All the situations I measured in a strangely racial context. Not say that I judged people by their race (although in my head and subconscious I may have), but the situations I encountered I'd ask myself so many questions based upon my own race and that of others. I was asked quite a few times why race was a big issue in the states while I was studying abroad. Upon returning to the US and starting my internship it became a bit clearer to me as to why race is such a big issue. My current internship is with the Center for Asian-Americans United for Self-Empowerment (CAUSE) and the (CASIC) internships purpose is to promote political involvement in the Asian American community. It is to teach us Asian Americans how the legislative office works and how we can be leaders. Being part of it has opened up my eyes to some of the issues that face API people in the US. The US is not like any other countries by a long shot. Our short history is filled with a lot of tension and pain. The only Americans who are native to this country are the Native Americans and they are now considered a minority. Race has always been an issue ever since the first colonies established themselves on this land. Race was there between colonists and Native Americans, it was there when the first White Europeans settled in the US and with other white Europeans that came after. (English, Irish, French, Italians, Polish.. the list goes on) Even when skin color was nearly the same there was an animosity. Then comes those who actually look drastically different, the blacks, the Asians, and the Hispanics and Latinos. For 200 years! This country has been "plauged" by the 'issue of race.' But it's far from solvable at this point. How do you teach love? There are anti-hate programs and diversity promoting organisations out there and that's great. I totally believe in all these steps and they are vital to changing the way people think. Yet.. after looking at www.tolerance.org and seeing at least 708 HATE organisations being monitored in the states, it makes me sad and a bit scared. But I know that I will forever fight this battle if only to hopefully make the future a little bit better for my children and the inheritors of the earth.

yeah yeah.. a bit of cheese at the end.. but if you know me, you know i mean what i say w/ passion.

stupid head

My loving brother thinks I'm a "stupid head" by putting my personal thoughts up online. But despite all that I'm still gonna keep doing it. It's not like I put up anything I wouldn't tell people normally and those who know me, know that I go through a mood w/ optimism still. Things always do get better. :) Which they are right now, I've got my internship and it's slowly helping me form ideas about what I want to do. But things are still weird...

lost

i feel like i don't quite belong here anymore and i'm not sure where i belong.

relief!

Seems that I've been more prone to stress and breaking down (meaning crying and a whole lot of frustration and anxiety overwhelming me psychologically and physically) lately and I couldn't really figure out why. Which is usually because I'll block what I can out so I don't have to feel bad feelings and therefore get on with my work. However there is a limit to everything and with the pressure of exams, trying to pass and graduate, dealing with leaving here and people here, things changing at home, finding a place to live, getting information and money moved around in the states while I'm in England, finding a job, did I mention revising for exams.. oh and exams.. and my future. So it has been realtively crazy up in my head over the last few weeks. But two days ago I got some of the best news I've ever heard! We got a house! A real house, not just a flat, a house in Huntington. I'm not sure what it looks like, but from the specs and my friends judgements it seems alright. Although my room apparently is really really tiny.. oh well I can deal with that, means less rent. And I don't have to worry about if I can get down there this summer or not. If I can, I will, if not then there will be someone living there already. So Phew.. it's nice to have a home to go back too. And now I just have to get past this last exam and I'll be okay. Then all that stands in the way really is my future.. hahaha.. finding a job or internship or just figuring out what I want to do with my life and then saying good bye.

I hate good byes
I'm lousy at them
I will hold back if i can and deny feelings so I don't have to feel anything
But I may cry
The words will escape me as to what to say
I'll cry
Hug them and walk away
and when I do I'll start bottling it all up again
Until I'm alone
Then I'll cry again
Good byes suck..
It's not even a see you later, I'll try to make a trip out once every few months..
It's more like a e-mail me coz I don't know when I'm going to see you again
Although if I have my way, it'll be next spring. :)

revision sucks

I honestly can't bring myself to really sit down and study and work on this stuff. I know that I have too.. because I have to be able to write three coherent well analysed essays on Wednesday morning at 9:30 for three hours... I'm screwed. This stuff is interesting, but to know that I'm under pressure I can't deal with this right now. I can't deal with exams and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life and just all this crap that keeps filling up my head. It's gotten so irritating. I can't sleep at night because as soon as I hit the pillow I'm awake and thinking, it sucks. I know a great deal of it has to do with my own warped and twisted mind making me feel this way but oh well... tried changing, can't do it. I hate myself sometimes. oh boy.. here we go again. I'm sure by June 7th when all this is done I'll be happy as a clam and I know I can do this just coz.. well I can. I've never let myself down before, no I take that back, when it comes to school I just generally can hack it.. but I don't want to anymore.. I try to continually remind myself that I'm almost done.. almost done... two more exams and I'm done with school.. I'll have my degree soon enough.

funny what a bit of stress can do to your head and your confidence

bedtime

I really don't like going to bed lately, I don't like that bit before you fall asleep and it drives me crazy. Because I know exactly how much my mind is holding back and how much I just don't want to deal with it right now. Especially with exams coming up and trying to figure out my 'future' where I want to be and the people in my life seeming to scatter all over the place. I know that when I go home things will be the same and yet completely different at the same time. It scares me. I had this conversation with Theo today and he thinks I'm scared of everything and I realised I do get scared about a lot of things. It's not necessarily a big fear, but when I'm uncomfortable it's almost always associated with fear. I think I've built this thing up inside of me where if I'm not comfortable I get all weirded out and I don't like it. I remember too easily how little confidence I had before and what that felt like, that dark period of my life where everything would make me worry and just generally made me feel like shit. I don't want to remember it. But this uncertainty that lies before me is bringing that shit back up. But at the same time I know I'm different now I'm stronger and wiser.. but sometimes you just get tired.

sometimes the loneliest time is that bit where you're all tucked into bed and right before you fall asleep...

Resent

I've never really thought about what the word meant and how it made me feel until just now. I was sitting here doing my second dissertation on how capitalism and patriarchy are linked as oppressors of women. And the more I think about it, the more I'm feeling this hidden (or sometimes not so hidden) side of me that dislikes (hate being a really really strong word) men as much as I love them... and boy do I love men. Guys always say women are beautiful creatures and I believe we are. But men are as well. The way they move and carry themselves, the way they can smell so good that it wraps you up and makes you feel warm and safe.. the way you can disappear into their hugs and how they can be so silly sometimes and so logical it will drive you crazy. How when they do something really nice for you it just gets you right there in the heart no matter how hard you try to protect yourself from them and how they'll surprise you.. especially when you've been trying to block them out for years because the first real hurt you ever feel you'll never forget. That's when the resentment sometimes builds, whenever a guy does me wrong my opinion of them drops a bit. I start to expect men to let me down. Perhaps it's my fault and my expectations are too high, but I don't believe that to be completely it, because a few men have still managed to find their way into my heart, usually hurting it a bit in the end.. I'd like to say I have never regretted it for a moment, but that would be a lie, with hurt always comes a bit of regret.. then it's replaced by this kind of niceness to know that I still have a heart and it's still reachable.. the wall hasn't been built up too thick yet..

ooo!

OOO I just found out I can change the time on my blog so it accurately reflects the English hour.. too bad I've only got a month left here.

OOO I just found out my friend Kris was a spelling bee champ in 3rd grade!!